When Rei opened his eyes that morning, something felt off.
It wasn't the usual sensation of being stared at by five overly affectionate women hiding in absurdly creative locations (last night it was under the floorboards—thank you, Rosette). Nor was it the ominous feeling of knowing he was probably being recorded in his sleep for a future "Wedding Vows Compilation" by Lilia.
No.
This time, it was... worse.
"Why is my vision filled with hearts?" Rei mumbled groggily as he sat up.
Floating in the corner of his vision was a newly installed UI overlay—bright pink, excessively sparkly, and shaped like a heart-shaped bomb.
A moment later, a familiar divine giggle echoed from his bathroom mirror.
"Good morning, darling disaster~" Goddess Eris said as she popped into view, lounging upside-down in the mirror like an Instagram model who'd transcended shame.
"Oh no," Rei groaned. "What did you do this time?"
"I upgraded your interface!"
"I never asked for that."
"Well, the System did. And by the System, I mean me. And by me, I mean I was bored."
The UI pulsed with sugary menace. New labels faded into view:
YANDERE METER
– Obsession Level: ♥♥♥♥♥
– Possessiveness: 🔒🔒🔒🔒
– Likelihood of Casual Murder: 💀💀💀💀💀
Rei blinked.
"…I have a meter now."
"You sure do!" Eris chirped. "It dynamically tracks your harem's emotional... volatility. Science meets romance!"
"Science should be arrested."
"Go on, focus on one of them. It auto-locks. Just think their name."
Rei hesitated, then sighed. "Fine. Lilia."
DING!
Lilia Roseheart – "The Innocent Bride Who Knows Too Much"
Obsession Level: 96% – "Sleeps with a wedding pillow shaped like you."
Possessiveness: 94% – "Replaced all household portraits with your baby pictures."
Likelihood of Casual Murder: 95% – "Has legally adopted your future children. You haven't."
Rei choked. "WHAT."
"Try another!" Eris grinned.
"…Drakana."
DING!
Drakana Flameblood – "Fire-Breathing Fiancée of Destiny"
Obsession Level: 97% – "Tattooed your name on her scales."
Possessiveness: 99% – "Declared your soul flame her property."
Likelihood of Casual Murder: 94% – "Keeps a list of 'rivals' sorted by burn temperature."
Rei screamed into a pillow. "I'm dating five ticking bombs."
Eris nodded proudly. "Yup. And now you can monitor them in real time! Data-driven terror, my favorite."
He focused next on Rosette.
DING!
Rosette Evernight – "The Knife-Wielding Maid With a Soft Smile"
Obsession Level: 99% – "Polished your spoon for three hours."
Possessiveness: 98% – "Removed your scent from all doorknobs but hers."
Likelihood of Casual Murder: 100% – "Statistically inevitable."
"ONE HUNDRED?!" Rei shouted.
"She broke the scale," Eris said with an approving nod.
"She's a maid! She's supposed to clean things, not assassinate them!"
"Darling, she cleans very thoroughly. Especially your personal space of rivals."
"THIS ISN'T A FEATURE. THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP."
Eris popped a divine popcorn kernel into her mouth. "Oh hush. You haven't even seen Seraphina's stats."
"…I don't want to. I value my sanity."
[System Override: You Must See Seraphina's Stats
Force-loading…]
Princess Seraphina Valerius – "The Royal Romantic Strategist"
Obsession Level: 98% – "Designed matching grave plots 'just in case.'"
Possessiveness: 97% – "Proposed a national holiday celebrating your first sneeze."
Likelihood of Casual Murder: 93% – "Royal executioner on speed dial."
Rei slumped onto the floor. "I'm dating the final boss in five forms."
Eris smiled dreamily. "And you're the shared loot drop. How romantic~"
"…What about Faye?"
DING!
Faye Nightwhisper – "The Alchemist of Affection and Occasional Explosions"
Obsession Level: 95% – "Invented a love perfume that smells like your dreams."
Possessiveness: 96% – "Coded a potion that screams when you hug other girls."
Likelihood of Casual Murder: 98% – "Has vials labeled 'Plan B, C, and OH WELL.'"
Rei curled into the fetal position.
"Does the meter come with a 'pray for mercy' button?"
"Sure does!" Eris grinned. "But pressing it just makes the screen say 'LMAO NO.'"
[System Update Notification: New Feature Unlocked – YANDERE ALERT MODE
When any girl hits 100% across all categories, sirens will sound. Good luck.]
As if on cue, a soft bell chimed from the UI.
DING! ALERT – Lilia Obsession Level: 100%
Trigger: Saw you share eye contact with a tree leaf.
Response: Knitting a bridal veil out of your hair.
Rei rocketed out of his room.
"I NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER AND AN EXORCIST!"
Five Minutes Later. Rei, panting in the hallway.
[System Notification: Running is futile. Possessiveness Level scales with distance.]
Rei stopped dead.
"…You made my girlfriend aggro range-based?!"
Behind him, light footsteps echoed.
Lilia appeared, smile radiant, holding a veil made of disturbingly familiar silver strands.
"I made this for our Tuesday wedding."
"It's Monday."
"I know~"
He sprinted again. "ERIS, TURN IT OFF!"
[System Response: Feature permanently enabled.
Note: Yandere Meter now syncs with heartbeat and cortisol levels for live trauma feedback.]
Eris materialized next to him in floating form, sipping a heart-shaped cocktail.
"Rei, darling, think of it this way. You now have data. You can strategize."
"I don't want to strategize! I want to live! With privacy! And unshaved legs if I choose!"
Suddenly—
ALL FIVE GIRLS rounded the corner.
Seraphina: "Beloved, your aura is disturbed. Allow us to soothe it with rituals."
Drakana: "Did the tree insult you again?! I will burn the forest."
Rosette: "The hallway was too quiet. I grew concerned."
Faye: "I accidentally made a potion that turns you into a pillow. Wanna try?"
Lilia: "My veil is ready~"
Rei turned to the mirror. "Eris."
"Yes?"
"I choose death."
"Approved," she said cheerfully, snapping her fingers.
Instead of dying, however, he vanished.
Divine Holding Cell – aka Eris's "Drama Closet"
Rei sat in a beanbag chair surrounded by floating sticky notes labeled "Bad Life Choices."
Eris reclined nearby, watching reruns of his memories. "You know," she said thoughtfully, "if you just picked one, the meter would stabilize."
"Oh, you mean pick a flavor of insanity to commit to permanently?" he shot back.
"Well, yes."
"They all have lethal murder potential."
"That's romance, baby."
"I'm going to become a monk. Join a silent order."
"You'd die in five minutes. One of them would crawl into your robe."
Rei gave her the deadest stare possible. "You're not helping."
"I'm not paid to help. I'm paid to entertain myself."
"…Do you even get paid?"
"Nope!"
He groaned. "So what do I do now?"
Eris handed him a bottle.
It read: "Courage Potion – Probably Just Orange Juice."
"Drink it. Then go back. Face them. The longer you hide, the more the Obsession Level increases. It feeds on anxiety. Like me!"
He eyed the bottle. "Is this the same potion Faye used to summon screaming cucumbers?"
"Possibly."
He downed it anyway.
"…Tastes like betrayal and citrus."
Eris clapped. "Back you go!"
Rei reappeared in the hallway just in time to get tackled by Drakana, hugged by Faye, kissed on the forehead by Lilia, scanned for wounds by Seraphina, and thoroughly sniffed by Rosette.
System YANDERE METER:
Lilia – 100 / 100 / 100
Drakana – 99 / 100 / 98
Rosette – 100 / 100 / 100
Seraphina – 98 / 100 / 97
Faye – 100 / 100 / 99
"SO THIS IS HOW IT ENDS," Rei screamed as they dragged him back into the mansion, one limb per girl.
"Tea first," Lilia said sweetly.
"Then a blood pact," Drakana growled.
"Knife sharpening tutorial," Rosette whispered.
"Couples poetry reading!" Seraphina declared.
"I baked cookies in the shape of your spleen," Faye added.
Eris's laughter echoed faintly from the sky.
[System Final Notification:
You have survived another day.
...Barely.]
To be continued…