Rei had never considered himself a master tactician.
But desperate men with a 100% Yandere Meter across five different categories tend to find creativity in unusual places—such as, for example, the bottom of a fruit barrel.
"Just a simple merchant," he muttered as he tucked his knees to his chest and stuffed himself between suspiciously squishy mangoes. "Smooth getaway. No explosions. No crazy girls. Just peaches and peace."
The plan was flawless.
Step 1: Shave head. (Aborted. Too itchy.)
Step 2: Disguise as fruit merchant. (Executed with a fake mustache, fake accent, and real fear.)
Step 3: Hide in outbound trade caravan. (Success rate: approximately 12%, but improving!)
Step 4: Never look back.
The barrel rocked slightly as the carriage bumped down the estate's cobbled road. Rei pressed a hand to his mouth to avoid dry-heaving into the produce. Mango in the eye was bad; mango in the lungs, worse.
[System Notification:
New Mission – ESCAPE PLAN BETA: CARRIAGE CAPER
Objective: Reach the nearest border town alive.
Bonus Objective: Avoid being flamed, stabbed, snuggled, or married en route.]
Rei whispered, "So… just a casual Tuesday, then?"
From outside the barrel, a gruff voice shouted, "All clear! Merchant Frazzel of Citrus & Sons heading to Emberholt!"
That was him. Merchant Frazzel. The most neutral, unromantic name he could think of. Zero charisma. Maximum invisibility.
He exhaled slowly.
Yes. Yes. This might actually work.
"Did anyone check the barrels?" another voice asked.
Rei froze.
"Why would we?" said the driver. "Who stows away in fruit?"
"Fair."
[System Warning: Known Yanderes within 2 km radius. Aura detection active. Spiking heat signature detected.]
Wait… heat signature?
Meanwhile, back at the Duke's estate…
A high-pitched screech echoed across the western courtyard. Birds fled the trees. Fish jumped out of ponds. A passing nobleman combusted from stress alone.
Drakana Flameblood stood on the central balcony, nostrils flaring, flames licking at the corners of her lips.
"Where. Is. My. Groom."
Seraphina raised an eyebrow. "It's only been thirty-five minutes."
"He's gone. I can smell betrayal. Mango-scented betrayal."
Lilia appeared holding a teacup that read "#1 Fiancée." "Don't be ridiculous, Drakana. Rei would never—"
She paused.
She sniffed the air.
"…he did pack his favorite blanket…"
Rosette materialized behind them holding a charred hair strand. "This is fresh. He fled approximately thirty-seven minutes and forty-two seconds ago. Likely southwest. Probably fruit-themed."
Faye blew a raspberry. "We should've microchipped him."
Seraphina narrowed her eyes. "Girls. You know what this means."
"War?" Drakana asked, eyes glowing red.
Lilia nodded grimly. "War."
Drakana raised a clawed hand toward the estate's stables. "Ignite the wheels. If he escapes, I'll burn the continent."
Back in the barrel…
Rei wiped mango juice from his cheek and cracked the lid slightly.
Just trees. Good.
Just clouds. Good.
Just a distant sound of—
"WHO DARES LET MY GROOM ESCAPE?!"
—bad.
[System Warning: Local reality experiencing instability due to Yandere Rage.]
System Sarcasm Mode: Wow. Who could have predicted this?
"Shut up!" Rei hissed into the interface. "This was supposed to be my clean getaway!"
[System Notification: Did you pack clean underwear? Asking for your corpse.]
He closed the barrel and curled deeper.
"I'll make it to Emberholt. I'll start over. I'll become a librarian. No, that didn't work. A fisherman! Fish can't be yandere. Probably."
Just as he began mentally designing his new life as a bachelor trout-whisperer, the carriage lurched violently.
Rei's head slammed into a pineapple.
Outside, the coachman screamed, "THE WHEELS! THEY'RE—THEY'RE ON FIRE!"
System Alert: Carriage durability: 64% → 38% → 11%
Rei shoved open the barrel lid and peered out just in time to see the wheels disintegrating into molten ash.
And behind the flames—
A six-foot-tall, flame-wreathed, armor-clad Drakana, stomping across the path like an angry volcano bride.
"You THOUGHT you could leave ME?" she bellowed.
[System: Drakana Flameblood Yandere Meter:
Obsession – 99%
Possessiveness – 110% (New Record!)
Likelihood of Casual Murder – 100% (Achievement Unlocked: Burninator Bride)]
Rei leapt out of the barrel and hit the ground rolling, fruit cascading after him in a tragic citrusy rain.
He sprinted into the forest, clutching a banana like a dagger. "STAY BACK! I'M ARMED WITH POTASSIUM!"
The foliage trembled.
"I found his boot," whispered Rosette from somewhere above.
Rei looked down. Indeed. He was missing one boot.
"How do they track me this well?!" he screamed.
"Love," Seraphina answered, stepping out from behind a tree.
"Madness!" Rei countered.
"Same thing," she said, tossing rose petals in his face.
From a nearby branch, Faye dropped an alchemy bomb that exploded into a puff of glitter and knockout gas.
Rei coughed violently and swatted at the sparkles. "Why does it taste like wedding cake?!"
"Because it's time," Lilia said, stepping out in a full bridal gown. "Again."
He stumbled back, arms windmilling.
"THIS IS A HIJACKING! A MARITAL MUTINY!"
[System Mission Update:
Objective Failed – Reach Border Town.
New Objective – Survive "Surprise Vow Renewal Ritual."]
Eris's voice echoed from the heavens, cackling: "You picked the banana dagger, my dude. Bold move."
Post-Capture Debriefing – Rei's Room, Now Padded
Rei lay in bed, arms and legs wrapped in fuzzy "safety restraints" labeled "Fiancée-Friendly."
At the foot of the bed, each girl sat with a notepad labeled "Behavior Improvement Plan."
Drakana spoke first. "Step 1: Install magical ankle monitor."
Rosette: "Step 2: Rename all barrels 'Forbidden Objects.'"
Faye: "Step 3: Replace fruit with proximity mines."
Seraphina: "Step 4: Reinforce vow schedule with civic penalties."
Lilia: "Step 5: Daily cuddle tax."
Rei blinked. "You—You made laws?!"
"I'm royalty," Seraphina said smugly.
"We're in love," Lilia added sweetly.
[System Notification: New Title Earned – "The Barrel Bandit of Love"]
Eris popped into the mirror, slurping a smoothie. "Honestly, I didn't expect the banana weapon. That was new."
"Help me," Rei mouthed silently.
"Nope."
[System Reminder: You have 3 escape attempts remaining before Yandere Lockdown Protocol activates.]
"What happens then?" Rei asked weakly.
[System: We give them keys to your dreams.]
"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"
Eris beamed. "Good luck, Merchant Frazzel."
To be continued…