It began, as all threats to world peace do, with a cheerful chime.
[System Notification:
Mission Alert!
Title: "Confess to Someone (or Everyone Dies)"
Objective: Confess your heartfelt love to a living being.
Time Limit: 6 hours.
Failure Penalty: Cataclysmic explosion of all known reality.
Success Reward: Slight reduction in emotional trauma.]
Rei blinked at the floating message above his bed.
"Excuse me, what?"
[System Clarification: We are entirely serious. Tell someone you love them. Or kaboom.
Tip: It can be anyone. But it must sound real. We have sarcasm detectors.]
"…I want a refund on this reincarnation," Rei muttered.
[System Response: Denied. No backsies.]
"Then why does this sound like emotional terrorism wrapped in Valentine's Day glitter?"
[System Response: Because it is.]
Rei facepalmed and rolled out of bed. "Okay. Okay. No big deal. I just have to confess love. Easy. I've played dating sims. I've watched bad anime. I've been stalked in six dimensions. How hard can this be?"
Cut to—
Harder than expected.
Because all five of his obsessive yandere wives-to-be were already waiting outside his door.
Lilia: "Good morning~ I brought your breakfast and five rings just in case."
Drakana: "Let me brand your heart with eternal fire."
Rosette: "I installed tripwires outside your window. Do not attempt escape."
Princess Seraphina: "Today feels perfect for a vow exchange!"
Faye: "I melted your doorknob so you can't lock us out again."
Rei smiled. "I just remembered I have an urgent appointment."
Lilia tilted her head. "With whom?"
"A... therapist tree. Very important. Healing bark energy. Photosynthesis counseling."
They blinked.
Drakana sniffed the air. "There's no therapist tree on the estate."
"There is now!" Rei shouted, and bolted down the hall.
Scene: The East Garden
The tree stood tall, regal, wise—completely unaware that it had been selected as a stand-in girlfriend.
Rei paced in front of it.
"You got this," he whispered to himself. "It's a tree. Just… make it emotional. Deep. Convincing."
He turned to the tree.
"I… I've known you for so long. From the first time I saw your leaves flutter in the wind, I felt it. That chlorophyll connection. The sap of destiny."
[System Notification: Confession registered. Analyzing authenticity…]
"…You make my heart photosynthesize."
[System Notification: Hmm. Suspicious. Continue.]
"Your trunk is sturdy. Your branches reach for the sky—like my feelings for you. Tree-chan, I…"
He paused, took a dramatic breath.
"I love you."
The garden held its breath.
[System Notification: …We have accepted your confession.
Warning: All five romantic interests are currently watching from the hedges.
Retreat advised. Explosion of emotional jealousy imminent.]
Rei froze. "Oh, no."
From behind the bushes, five pairs of eyes glowed like predators.
Lilia stepped out first, holding a bouquet of chopped roses.
"Is this… a joke?"
Drakana's claws ignited. "You confessed to… a TREE?!"
Rosette's knives shimmered in sunlight. "Target: Woody Homewrecker."
Faye snapped a twig off the tree. "I never trusted this barky bitch."
Seraphina looked wounded. "I thought I was the one with roots in your heart."
"I—it was for the mission!" Rei waved his arms. "The system! The world would explode if I didn't!"
[System Confirmation: True. However, your choice of partner has enraged the harem. Suggest seeking shelter in a volcano.]
"I'd rather take the explosion!" Rei shouted.
Suddenly, the tree's leaves rustled. A soft breeze whispered.
And a squirrel fell out, hitting Rei on the head.
"Ack—nature is attacking me!"
Lilia narrowed her eyes. "We need to cleanse this tree of impure affection."
Drakana lit a fireball.
Faye opened her potions pouch.
Rosette took out a tiny shovel. "I'll uproot it gently. Then dismember it."
Seraphina, always the theatrical one, drew a rapier. "This is an execution. For crimes against romance."
Rei dove in front of the tree. "Stop! You can't fight a tree!"
The girls blinked.
"I mean, you can, but it's dumb!"
[System Notification:
Warning: Tree Confession has triggered "Jealousy Overgrowth" effect.
Nearby flora now hate you. Including the lawn.]
A blade of grass slapped his ankle.
"Ow!"
"Don't worry," said Lilia sweetly. "We'll burn the tree AND reseed the soil."
Minutes later, the tree was nothing but ashes.
Rei watched the smoke rise.
"You monsters," he whispered. "That tree believed in me. It was my first consensual relationship."
"It was a shrub with ideas above its station," muttered Rosette, patting his head.
[System Notification:
Mission Complete.
Reward: Slight reduction in emotional trauma.
New Trauma Unlocked: "Arborphobia."]
Rei slumped to the ground. "So I passed… but also lost my dignity, again."
[System Bonus: One (1) Therapy Acorn added to inventory.]
The acorn glowed. It pulsed with wisdom.
Rei threw it into the koi pond.
From the distance, a koi caught it and shouted, "He accepts my dowry!"
"No!" Rei screamed. "No more proposals!"
Later that evening, he sat in his room, surrounded by his harem, who had collectively decided that he needed "confession rehabilitation."
Lilia had brought flashcards: "Now, repeat after me: I love Lilia."
Drakana sat on his chest: "Say it with fire."
Rosette held a pen to his neck: "Or I'll write it in blood."
Faye was spoon-feeding him soup. "Hydrate your emotions."
Seraphina had composed a sonnet. "Do you want romantic inspiration or a duel?"
[System Notification:
New Secret Side Quest Unlocked:
"Confess Sincerely (For Real This Time)"
Objective: Tell one of them you love them… truthfully.
Reward: System surprise.
Failure: More tree-related emotional breakdowns.]
Rei whimpered into his pillow.
"Maybe I should have let the world explode…"
Eris appeared in his mirror with popcorn. "You say that every chapter."
To be continued…