It was a quiet morning in the Caelmont outer district—a rare, blessed moment where no dragon smoke trailed from the sky, no paladins shouted declarations of love, and no chapel bells rang for spontaneous weddings.
In a shadowy alley behind a bakery that smelled suspiciously like strawberry-scented soap, Rei knelt over a crate, whispering curses as he unwrapped the contents of a glowing System-branded satchel.
"I swear, if this is another mission that ends with me being 'emotionally claimed'—"
[System Mission: Use a Fake Identity – Objective: Blend Into the Common Masses Without Triggering a Yandere Detection Event.]
[Reward: 1 Free Hour of Not Being Hunted.]
[Penalty for Failure: Immediate Romantic Conquest by All Five (5) Fiancées, Simultaneously.]
"…I knew it," Rei muttered.
He peered inside the disguise kit.
It contained:
* One pair of bushy fake eyebrows
* A tunic that said "I ♥ Turnips"
* A dirt-smudged name tag that read "GERALDO"
* A glue stick labeled "Essence of Peasant"
* And a fake mustache so bushy it looked like a sentient caterpillar had fused with despair
[System Note: Wearing the turnip shirt increases camouflage among lower economic tiers by +12 Charisma (Farming Class Only). Side effect: May attract actual turnips.]
Rei stared. "You want me to go out into public looking like a rejected scarecrow?"
[Yes.]
"I'll be mobbed in ten minutes."
[Statistically, you'll be mobbed in seven.]
Rei sighed and reluctantly changed into Geraldo the Turnip Enthusiast, muttering under his breath. "I survived dragonfire, obsessive nobles, and a nun with holy stabbing powers. Surely I can blend in with peasants."
Five minutes later, he stepped onto the cobblestone plaza.
"Ah… sweet, breathable air," he sighed.
Around him, the market bustled with commoners bartering, laughing, and avoiding suspiciously swooning fangirls.
He strolled past a flower vendor.
"Good morning, my turnip brother," Rei greeted confidently.
The vendor paused. "...Turnip?"
"Yes," Rei said stiffly. "I am Geraldo. A turnip... grower. I specialize in emotional root vegetables."
The vendor squinted. "Your face looks familiar."
Rei laughed too loudly. "Ha ha! No! I have a very generic peasant face!"
[System Alert: 3 Commoner Girls Have Detected High 'Protagonist Energy.']
[You are now being Observed.]
He glanced over.
Three teen girls huddled behind a melon cart, whispering and pointing.
One mouthed, "Is that the duke's son?"
Another squealed, "No way, he's wearing a turnip shirt. That's obviously a disguise!"
The third clutched her heart. "I read this in a romance novel once—he's pretending to be poor to find a true wife!"
"Time to move," Rei muttered.
He ducked down an alley.
Too late.
A scream split the air.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S HIM!!!"
"THE MYSTERIOUS TURNIP PRINCE!"
"I'M READY FOR YOU TO RUIN MY LIFE!"
Rei sprinted through the plaza. "THIS IS NOT HOW CAMOUFLAGE WORKS!"
[System Notification: You Are Now Being Chased By: 17 Commoner Fangirls.]
[Distance to Obsession Overload: 150 meters.]
They came like a tidal wave of hormonal enthusiasm—wielding picnic baskets, hand-knitted scarves, and love letters tied with questionable hair strands.
"I just wanted to blend in!" Rei cried, dodging a flying bra with suspicious embroidery.
[System Advice: Engage 'Emergency Social Camouflage Maneuver: Shovel Dancing.']
"I'm not shovel dancing in public!"
[Then run.]
Rei sprinted toward a pottery stall, launched himself over a crate, and belly-flopped into a barrel labeled "Pickled Koi Turnips." The scent alone caused minor hallucinations.
But the fangirls surrounded the barrel like bees around royal jelly.
"Where'd he go?!"
"I smell noble shampoo!"
"He might be in one of these barrels! Let's tip them all over!"
[System Alert: Fangirl Swarm Reaches Critical Mass. Initiating Anti-Mob Protocol.]
Suddenly, the air shimmered.
BOOM. CRACK. WHOOSH.
Five pillars of magical energy erupted around the plaza.
The ground shook.
Time slowed.
From each glowing glyph, one yandere descended like a final boss cutscene.
Drakana landed in flames, wings outspread. "Where is my prey—I mean, beloved?"
Seraphina appeared in a golden bubble, eyes glowing. "Declare the location of my future husband or face tax penalties."
Lilia floated down on white doves, each dove wearing a bridal veil.
Faye emerged from a manhole, dual knives spinning. "There's blood in the air. His."
Rosette walked calmly from behind a nearby fruit stall, sipping holy tea. "I sensed your distress, Rei. I brought purification napkins."
Rei slowly emerged from the barrel, dripping in pickle juice, his mustache askew.
The girls turned as one.
Rei froze. "I can explain—"
Rosette raised her parasol.
"Time to cull," she said gently.
"CULL?!"
The fangirls shrieked.
Lilia clapped her hands. "This is a sacred trial. If you wish to love Rei, survive the gauntlet."
Drakana's eyes glowed. "Initiating Flame Round."
Faye dropped twenty smoke bombs and vanished into the mist. "Whoever survives gets a finger of his!"
Seraphina summoned a hundred glowing arrows and smiled. "Archery practice has been... lonely."
The plaza became a war zone.
Fangirls screamed. Fruit exploded. Pottery shattered.
Rei dove behind a cabbage cart and screamed, "SYSTEM! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A STEALTH MISSION!"
[System Note: This counts as Stealth... from emotional safety.]
"YOU SAID ONE HOUR OF PEACE!"
[Technically, it's only been 42 minutes.]
Rei peeked around the cart.
Rosette's parasol elegantly pinned a fangirl's scarf to a wall.
Drakana roasted a melon cart.
Lilia gently braided a fleeing girl's hair while muttering, "You'll look lovely at your funeral."
Seraphina levitated four fangirls with glowing runes and sang a lullaby.
Faye was just… gone. Someone screamed from a rooftop.
"I've made everything worse," Rei whispered.
[System Agreement: You have made everything worse.]
Just then, one last brave fangirl crawled to him, trembling.
"Turnip Prince…" she gasped. "Please… take my... basket of love..."
He reached out to help her.
Five weapons clinked behind him.
The fangirl squeaked.
Rosette leaned down with a smile that could curdle wine. "Darling. You wouldn't want to betray our sacred household, would you?"
"I'M IN DISGUISE!"
"You accepted her basket," Lilia whispered. "That's the ritual of the fields. You're betrothed now."
"NO, IT'S NOT!"
Drakana cracked her knuckles. "Should I roast her or the basket?"
Rei held up his hands. "No one needs to roast anything! We can just—"
The fangirl was already gone. Faye dragged her into a barrel.
"I don't like violence," Seraphina murmured, tightening a noose made of golden vines. "I love... regulation."
"I'm sorry!" Rei cried. "I just wanted to be normal!"
[System Reminder: You are the MC. 'Normal' is no longer an option.]
Just then, Eris appeared on a floating watermelon wedge. "Ooooooh, nice chaos today. I give it a 9.5. You lose points for not crying blood."
Rei flailed. "This is YOUR FAULT!"
"Nah, the fangirls are your fault. I only installed the disguise kit. Blame the mustache."
"THE MUSTACHE IS CURSED!"
[System Notification: Mission Status – Utter Failure.]
[You have not blended into commoners. Instead, you have caused:
* 1 public riot
* 1 fruit-based inferno
* 1 confirmed accidental engagement
* 27 trauma events among innocent bystanders
* And 1 goddess-approved spectacle.]
[Reward Revoked. Penalty Activated.]
[All Five Fiancées Will Now Engage: 'Mandatory Comfort Phase.']
"Comfort?! That doesn't sound bad—"
Drakana picked him up by the collar. "Let's go soak your wounds in firewater."
Seraphina hugged his arm. "The palace will be locked. No one gets out."
Lilia produced a marriage license. "I'll write it in turnip juice."
Faye whispered, "Your blood pressure's high. I'll fix that."
Rosette tapped his chest. "Your heartbeat sounds lovely. I'll preserve it."
Rei screamed as the girls carried him off like a sacred artifact.
Eris sipped watermelon soda. "I love this show."
Fade to black.
To be continued…