When Rei woke up that morning, his first thought was, Why do my ears feel violated?
His second thought was, Wait, why do I have earrings?
He stumbled out of bed, rubbing the side of his head where a tiny sapphire-studded earring winked in the mirror like a smug little betrayal. He didn't remember agreeing to ear piercings. Or sapphires. Or consent.
And then, like a curse from his past life, the system chimed in.
[System Notice: You have been equipped with "Bound Earring of Eternal Proximity."]
[Effect: Allows designated fiancée Lilia to track your position within a 1,000 km radius.]
[Side effect: May cause localized guilt and a faint sensation of being watched while bathing.]
Rei froze.
Then he screamed.
"LILIAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
The walls rattled with the volume of his existential crisis. Somewhere in the estate, a teacup cracked. A noble falcon perched on the windowsill nodded in solemn understanding and took flight.
"System," Rei growled, scrambling into a cloak and darting down the marble hallways like a man possessed. "WHY does she need to track me?! This is not love, this is surveillance!"
[System Response: Incorrect. This is advanced-level devotion. Please refer to Chapter 19: "Goddess Tip: Sleep With One Eye Open."]
[Fun Fact: Love and stalking are often separated only by mutual agreement. You never signed the waiver.]
He stormed into the estate's east garden, where the koi pond sparkled innocently—its enchanted fish pretending they hadn't tried to marry him two chapters ago. Rei yanked the earring from his ear, ignoring the tiny prickle of pain, and stared at it like it had personally betrayed him.
"This ends now," he declared dramatically, channeling every ounce of theatricality he had.
Then he yeeted it into the river like it owed him child support.
Sploosh.
The system went silent. The wind paused. Somewhere in the distance, a squirrel blinked in disappointment.
Rei dusted off his hands, victorious. "And that's how you handle a problem like—"
"Rei~"
The voice was sugar and arsenic.
He turned slowly. Lilia stood behind him, smiling with all the serenity of a nun on her third exorcism.
She was wearing her usual lacy dress, frilled with white and embroidered in the same blood-red initials he once saw on a wedding rehearsal doll. In her hand was a silver tray with tea and what looked disturbingly like engagement cookies shaped like his face.
"Morning walk?" she asked sweetly, stepping closer. "That's odd. You never come to this side of the estate."
Rei tried to backpedal. "Ahaha, you know me, gotta—uh—exercise the legs. Gotta keep them strong in case of…parades."
"Mm. I saw you toss something into the river," she said, sipping tea. "Was it a wish?"
Rei's laugh was brittle. "Yup. Totally. I wished for…personal space."
"How cute."
Then, like a magician pulling off a horrible trick, she smiled wider and tapped her index finger to her lips.
"You do realize," Lilia said with a softness that made his spine whimper, "that wasn't the real tracker."
Rei blinked.
[System Notice: You are currently wearing "Tracker Tooth Mk II – Internal Edition."]
[Status: Activated. Location transmission ongoing.]
[Warning: Removing this item will require a dental extraction and possibly divine forgiveness.]
"…No," Rei whispered.
"Oh yes~" Lilia sang, reaching into her pocket and holding up a tiny silver capsule. Inside was a glowing rune shaped like a molar.
Rei clutched his jaw. "You… you put it in my mouth?!"
"You grind your teeth when you're stressed," Lilia said sweetly. "So I thought, why not use that energy for love?"
"That's NOT how orthodontics work!!"
[System Update: You have triggered the hidden achievement: "Tooth Fairy's Worst Nightmare."]
[Reward: +5 to Paranoia.]
He spun on his heel and bolted, but Lilia followed, calm as ever, pouring more tea into a porcelain cup mid-chase like a perfectly poised predator.
"You don't have to run, Rei. It's a lovely day. Wouldn't it be more pleasant if you sat and let me check your molars?"
"I'll chug holy water before I ever let you near my teeth again!"
By the time he reached the west wing, Rei had locked himself in a broom closet, hyperventilating beside a mop that looked suspiciously like it had witnessed things.
His reflection in the metal pail across from him was wild-eyed, trembling, and vaguely feral.
"This is madness," he hissed. "This is the third time this week something's been inside my body without my consent! First the sleep-tracking pillow, then the blood pact lipstick, now the molar surveillance chip?! What's next, a bladder beacon?!"
[System Suggestion: Bladder Beacon now unlocked in premium fiancé pack.]
[Would you like to activate it now? Y/N.]
"NO!"
He slumped against the wall.
A soft knock came from the door. Too soft. Dangerously polite.
"Rei? Are you okay?" Lilia called gently. "I brought floss~"
"I SWEAR IF IT'S ENCHANTED I'LL—!"
[System Note: It is.]
He opened the closet door just a crack.
"Lilia, listen," he said, trying diplomacy for once. "We need boundaries. I mean actual physical ones. Like, fences. Walls. Possibly miles."
She smiled. "Boundaries are wonderful… as long as they're wrapped around both of us."
"That's literally prison!"
"Oh, sweetheart. Not prison. Matrimony."
He slammed the door again.
From the other side, she hummed a wedding march.
Later that evening, Rei stood in front of the mirror with pliers, contemplating dental betrayal.
Goddess Eris popped into his reflection with sunglasses and a cherry soda.
"Yo," she greeted. "Tooth thing's a classic. I used to date a necromancer. We had tracker bones."
"Can you PLEASE remove it?"
She snorted. "What, and ruin the comedic timing? C'mon, Rei. You're like three chapters away from discovering she planted an egg-shaped tracking rune in your appendix."
"I will scream."
"I hope so. Adds flavor."
[System Mission: Accept Your Fate With Dignity.]
[Bonus Reward: Emotional numbness.]
Rei slumped onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.
He whispered, "I just wanted peace…"
The system helpfully added:
[Too bad, sucker.]
To be continued…