The day began with the gentle warmth of a sunbeam peeking through the curtains.
Then the curtains caught fire.
Rei's eyes snapped open to the crackling hiss of combustion and a strong scent of burning roses—followed by a faint whiff of charred wallpaper and lavender air freshener. A low, sensual growl purred beside his ear.
"Rise and shine, mate~"
Rei turned his head—and promptly screamed.
Drakana, Princess of Dragonkin, Scaled Sovereign of the Western Ridge, and living embodiment of yandere smolder, grinned above him. She was wearing a backless ceremonial dress made of crimson dragon silk, her curved horns adorned with delicate wedding bells and tiny pink bows.
Her molten-gold eyes shimmered with equal parts lust and tribal ferocity.
He was not wearing pants.
"W-Why are you in my room again?!" he yelled, scooting backward into the burning bedpost like a cornered raccoon.
"Oh, this isn't your room," she said cheerfully.
"…What?"
A whoosh of wind blew past him.
He blinked.
The walls were gone.
The floor was solid obsidian, glowing with veins of magma.
And everything—absolutely everything—was on fire.
[System Location: Drakana's Mountain Nest – Inner Mating Ring]
[Temperature: 794°F (ideal for slow-roasting confessions)]
[Escape Routes: 0]
[System Advice: Run. Oh wait, you can't.]
"You KIDNAPPED me?!" Rei shrieked, flailing toward what looked like a stone exit, only to be greeted by a six-foot wall of swirling dragonfire.
"No, no," Drakana said sweetly, sitting on a boulder with her tail coiled like a love-struck snake. "This is our first official date."
Rei blinked.
"On a volcano?!"
"It's dragon mating season," she said matter-of-factly, picking up a freshly charred squirrel from a spit. "The traditional courtship includes fire-dancing, aerial duels, and gifting your mate with the finest burnt offerings."
She handed him the squirrel.
It still had eyes.
"I cooked it for you~" she purred.
Rei stared at the blackened rodent in his hands. It crumbled into ash.
He stared back at her.
"I'm going to vomit."
[System Warning: Emotional Stress Levels Rising]
[Triggering Internal Panic Protocol: Screaming in 3…2…1…]
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Flames burst skyward as Rei ran in circles, bouncing between lava rocks, each one hotter than his GPA in high school.
Drakana followed, dreamy-eyed. "You're so energetic! It's adorable!"
"This isn't a date! This is a WILDFIRE CRISIS!"
"But look at this cage I made for us," she said, gesturing around at the swirling walls of flame enclosing the mountaintop like a giant heart-shaped inferno. "It's custom enchanted to respond to your heartbeat. The faster you panic, the tighter it gets."
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF?!"
[System Update: New status effect applied – "Charbroiled Terror"]
[You are now 22% more flammable. Exercise caution.]
Rei dove behind a rock, panting, covered in sweat and emotional trauma. He could practically hear his brain filing a restraining order against the concept of romance.
Drakana sauntered over and sat beside him, her tail casually encircling his waist like a love-serpent boa constrictor.
"I know I'm intense," she murmured, laying her head on his shoulder. "But dragons only love once. Our fire burns forever."
"Couldn't you just… send a letter?"
"Letters don't explode," she said flatly.
"That's the point!"
Ten minutes later, Rei had constructed a crude barrier using half-melted rocks and a ceremonial shield he found impaled in a tree stump. It wasn't much, but it gave him enough distance to yell through without being nuzzled mid-hysteria.
"Drakana, you can't just trap people like this!" he yelled.
"Why not?"
"Because it's illegal! Also immoral! Also—WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT LAVA?"
She was sketching something in the magma with her clawed fingertip.
"Just etching our initials," she said, turning to reveal a smoldering heart that read:
R + D = FOREVER (AND IF NOT, YOU DIE)
"I'm going to faint," Rei muttered.
[System Achievement Unlocked: "Engaged by Arson"]
[Title Gained: Flameproof Fiancé (Reluctant Edition)]
[Bonus Reward: Singed Eyebrows]
Suddenly, the flame walls shimmered, flickering.
Drakana tilted her head. "Hmm? Someone's trying to teleport in."
A burst of pink light flared above them. A portal ripped open midair—and out popped Seraphina, riding a golden pegasus wearing battle armor emblazoned with a sparkling "♥︎ I ♥︎ Rei ♥︎" on the rump.
"UNHAND MY HUSBAND, YOU SMOKY SNAKE!" she bellowed.
"BACK OFF, BARBIE!" Drakana roared, leaping into the air.
Sparks flew.
Wings unfurled.
Claws met glitter.
Rei curled up behind a boulder, rocking gently as fireballs and enchanted perfume bottles soared overhead.
[System Note: Conflict Detected – "Yandere Combat Scenario: Airborne Edition"]
[Estimated Collateral Damage: 1,400 trees, your last shred of sanity, and the Pegasus's dignity.]
Somewhere in the chaos, Rosette appeared behind him with a parasol.
"Your vital signs are spiking," she whispered, kneeling beside him.
"OH NO. WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"
"I sensed your soul trembling."
"MY SOUL NEEDS SPACE!"
She pressed something cold and metallic into his hand.
A tiny ring.
"Wear this," she murmured. "It's insulated. It'll resist Drakana's heat, Seraphina's lightning, and Lilia's mind probes."
"I don't— Wait. Lilia has mind probes?!"
"Yes," Rosette said, and vanished in a puff of incense.
An hour later, the mountain smoldered. Seraphina's pegasus sobbed quietly in the corner. Drakana was gently cradling Rei in her lap like a love-scorched teddy bear.
His hair was frizzed, his clothes half-scorched, and he smelled like overcooked romance.
"Did you enjoy our date?" she whispered, stroking his cheek.
"I would rather be eaten by sentient moss."
"Aww."
She nuzzled closer.
Suddenly, the system pinged.
[System Mission Update: "Endure One Date with Each Fiancée Without Dying."]
[Progress: 3/5 Complete]
[Reward: Still Breathing (Barely)]
Rei groaned.
Then, just to twist the dagger of irony, another system popup appeared:
[New Mission: Accept Drakana's Courtship Gift.]
[Hint: It's definitely more squirrels.]
Sure enough, Drakana held out a skewer of freshly caught, barely roasted, and still twitching rodents.
"For you," she purred.
Rei accepted it.
Then screamed again.
To be continued…