The capital city of Caelmont was in chaos.
Not from famine, plague, or war—no, something far more severe.
Prince Rei Valemort, honorary noble, part-time fugitive, and full-time marriage evader… had run away again.
For the fourth time this week.
Inside the city's royal barracks, panic spread like butter on warm toast. Soldiers tripped over their spears. Pages screamed into scrolls. A squirrel wearing a tiny cloak marked "Royal Recon" dashed up a tree to relay code RED-NO-GROOM.
At the city's massive gatehouse, two guards stood frozen.
One finally dared to whisper, "Is that… an army?"
The other replied grimly, "Worse. It's her army."
The golden banners of the Glorianna Empire rippled in the wind, bearing the imperial sigil: a burning crown wrapped in thorny roses—and beneath it, newly added, the words "I ♥ Rei."
Thousands of royal knights marched in unison, each clad in customized crimson cloaks embroidered with their princess's heartfelt message.
From the distance echoed a regal voice amplified by magical loudspeaker.
"People of Caelmont!" Princess Seraphina's melodic voice rang out. "I come not with war, but with love! And also potentially war, depending on my fiancé's decisions."
Atop a silver lion-drawn chariot stood the woman herself—Seraphina Celestia Glorianna, Princess of Flame, Terror of Unrequited Love, and current world record holder in Obsessive Romance Category A.
She wore a brilliant military-bridal uniform: white corset, gold epaulets, a flared skirt made entirely of stitched rejection letters from other men, and a crown that suspiciously resembled a wedding tiara.
"Today," she proclaimed, holding a megaphone, "we declare a royal emergency!"
The crowd gasped.
"Has the Demon King returned?!"
"Did the sun explode?!"
"Did the bakery run out of cream puffs?!"
"No." Seraphina placed a gloved hand over her heart. "Worse. My beloved Prince Rei has fled my embrace… again."
Collective horror.
Women clutched their pearls. Men fainted. A bard screamed in emotional harmony.
[System Notification: You are now a Class S Threat to National Romance Stability.]
Rei, currently hiding inside an overturned fruit cart ten meters from the gate, facepalmed.
"I literally just wanted to check out the bookstore," he hissed.
[System Reminder: You attempted escape via banana barrel last chapter. This time, you used turnip wagon. Progress.]
"Not helping!"
Rei peeked through a hole between the rutabagas. On the other side of the gate, Seraphina was now pacing dramatically along a velvet carpet that her guards had rolled out mid-speech.
"I invoke Royal Protocol 108-C," she declared.
A clerk unrolled a massive scroll. "Uh… 108-C: 'Declaration of National Emergency due to Groom Disappearance.' Signed by… you, Your Highness."
"Indeed!" she smiled.
"And ratified by…"
"Also me."
The crowd burst into patriotic applause. Democracy wept quietly in the corner.
[System Notification: New Law Passed – 'Missing Fiancé Recovery Act.' Citizens must report any Rei sightings. Punishment for harboring him: arranged marriage.]
Rei's jaw dropped. "That's not how constitutional law works!"
[System: You live in a romantic dictatorship. Adjust expectations accordingly.]
Just then, a cloaked merchant passed by, wheeling a cabbage cart. Rei popped his head up and whispered, "Psst! You. Help me escape. I'll pay you in gratitude, sarcasm, and maybe blood."
The merchant blinked. "Wait, you're the—"
"Shhhhhh!"
But it was too late. The man's eyes widened in horror. He turned to run—
Only to be intercepted by Faye, who materialized from a nearby flower pot wielding a bouquet of explosives.
"Wrong turn, cabbage boy," she grinned.
Rei sighed. "She was in the flower pot?!"
[System Notification: Faye – Stealth Affection Level: MAXED.]
He dove out of the turnip cart and made a break for the nearest alley.
"STOOOOOP HIM!" Seraphina screeched from her lion-chariot. "Deploy Operation Sweet Embrace!"
The knights shifted formation into a heart-shaped phalanx and began marching with synchronized chanting:
"♥ R-E-I! COME TO YOUR WIFE BEFORE YOU DIE! ♥"
Rei turned a hard left, leaping over a fruit stall and slamming face-first into a wall painted with Lilia's face and the phrase "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE DESTINY ♥"
He groaned. "They're branding me like livestock!"
[System: You are technically royal livestock now. Check your ankle. New tracking rune installed.]
"Nooooo—"
He was tackled mid-shriek by a fully-armored knight. "FOR HER HIGHNESS! ACCEPT HER LOVE!"
Rei wrestled free and chucked a nearby apple into the knight's visor. He spun to escape—and immediately collided with Rosette.
She smiled, holding a clipboard. "Rei. Funny bumping into you."
"Rosette. You don't happen to be part of the—"
"I coordinated the entire invasion," she said calmly.
Of course she did.
From behind her, another voice echoed like a death bell.
"You left me no choice."
Seraphina approached, flanked by knights and velvet-draped siege ladders.
"You pushed me to this, darling. If you had just accepted my daily marriage invitations and signed the annual honeymoon contract, I wouldn't have had to mobilize my empire."
"YOU MOBILIZED AN EMPIRE," Rei cried. "To find me?!"
"You're my heart," she said.
"I'm a dude hiding in vegetables!"
"And yet I find you delicious," she purred.
Rei stepped back.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the court," Seraphina called, waving dramatically. "I now formally propose… to the fugitive!"
She reached into her chariot and pulled out a ring. The gem was the size of Rei's face.
"Wait—WAIT—NO—"
The ring launched itself into the air, guided by magic and glitter, homing in on his finger like a wedding-seeking missile.
He dove.
It missed.
But only barely.
He rolled to his feet, panting, eyes wide.
"You can't force me to marry you!"
"I know," Seraphina said sadly. "Which is why I added a clause to the Emergency Romance Protocol."
She held up a scroll.
[System Notification: New System Law Detected – 'If Groom Refuses, All Citizens Must Convince Him.']
A thousand voices shouted in unison: "MARRY THE PRINCESS!"
Rei screamed.
[System Alert: Panic Level Maxed. Initiating Emergency Snark Discharge.]
[System: You are the moral equivalent of a puppy being adopted by five lions. Try biting them.]
"I HATE YOU," Rei whispered to the system.
[System: Mutual.]
He turned to run—
—and slammed into Eris.
Again.
Floating above a pile of glitter and popcorn, the goddess of mischief sipped a martini and adjusted her heart-shaped sunglasses.
"Miss me?" she purred.
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"Because I brought visual aids."
She snapped her fingers.
A massive glowing flowchart appeared mid-air.
[ROMANTIC ESCAPE OPTIONS: CHOOSE ONE]
→ Submit and Die (Together)
→ Submit and Live (Tied to a Bed)
→ Submit and Become a Baby Daddy (Plural)
→ Die Without Submitting (Boring)
"…are all of these submit?"
"I got bored with branching paths."
"HELP ME ESCAPE!"
Eris chuckled. "Alright, I'll give you a one-minute head start."
"Wait, really?!"
"Nope."
Seraphina appeared behind him, now glowing with imperial power.
"Come, beloved," she whispered. "Let us rule together."
Rei opened his mouth to protest.
The ring flew again.
He dodged left.
Right into a trap net labeled "HUSBAND ACQUISITION."
As the net closed around him, the crowd cheered. Fireworks exploded into the sky, spelling out "CONGRATS SERAPHINA ♥"
[System Notification: You've been engaged again. That's six times this month. New Record.]
[Achievement Unlocked: Marital Magnetism]
[Reward: Customized Groom Armor – "Resistance is Futile" edition.]
As he was carried back to the palace in a royal float shaped like a wedding cake, Rei stared at the clouds.
"This… is my life now."
[System: Yes. And you're lucky.]
"Lucky?!"
[Statistically, most people only get pursued by one obsessive suitor. You've got five.]
"…I want a refund on reincarnation."
Eris floated by, licking frosting off her fingers. "No refunds, sweetheart."
Rei wept into a doily.
To be continued…