The morning sun rose over the Crimson Orchid Sect, casting its golden rays on training fields soaked in sweat, ambition, and at least three spilled jars of aphrodisiac pills mistakenly brewed by an intern alchemist who thought "Viagra Vine" was a flavoring herb.
Jin was lying face-first in the grass, drooling slightly, his robes half-off and his belt looped around his ankle for reasons even he didn't understand.
"Uhhh… did I get mugged or molested by a horny ghost again?" he mumbled, smacking his lips. "Or was that just the dream where Ruoyan wore that transparent battle armor again…"
A boot slammed into his ribs.
"You drool in your sleep. Again," Ruoyan's voice said with deadpan menace.
Jin looked up, squinting at the goddess-tier cultivator standing over him in a tight-fitting training outfit that left just enough to the imagination—unless you had Jin's imagination, in which case it left nothing at all.
"I was meditating! Enlightenment requires sacrifice, you know!" he blurted.
"Enlightenment through wet dreams isn't a recognized path in our sect," Fairy Ling said, arriving behind Ruoyan and casually pulling out a scroll titled 'Dual Cultivation or Die Trying: The Perverted Dao Explained'. It was dog-eared, coffee-stained, and had Jin's signature on the front.
"It's a collector's item," Jin said defensively.
"You wrote it two days ago using stolen ink and noodles."
"Still counts!"
Before Ruoyan could land another kick, a trumpet blared across the sect grounds. Not the majestic kind, but the off-pitch honk of a musical instrument that had clearly been played by a drunk duck.
"Oh no," Fairy Ling groaned. "That sound means… it's time for the Sectwide Talent Assessment Tournament."
Jin paled. "Wait, wait, I thought that was next month! I still haven't trained my Forbidden Nipple Flick technique!"
Ruoyan sighed. "No one asked you to train that. No one wants you to train that."
"But it's a family legacy!" Jin cried. "Passed down by Uncle Lubehand! The man who once defeated a demonic beast using nothing but his thumb and a suspicious glint in his eye!"
Fairy Ling rolled her eyes. "You'll need more than oily confidence this time. Apparently, the Elder Council is sending someone special to judge this year's competition. And rumor says they're looking for… a new candidate for the Sect's Secret Brothel Technique."
Jin gasped. "The what now?!"
Ruoyan groaned. "It's a legendary cultivation technique from the Ancient Horny Sect. Said to increase one's spiritual energy by seducing others through perfectly timed moans and sensual poses."
"I was born for this!" Jin yelled, his eyes blazing with purpose—and probably lust.
Fairy Ling deadpanned, "You were born in a public toilet behind a discount spirit tavern."
"Exactly! I've suffered enough to be qualified!"
With the kind of determination only seen in men who haven't touched a woman in too long, Jin sprinted toward the tournament grounds, trailing sparkles, determination, and at least one pair of panties he had mistakenly tucked into his robe sash.
---
The tournament grounds were packed.
Hundreds of outer sect disciples gathered in a massive arena ringed with jade stone, towering talismans, and an ominous scoreboard labeled "Shame Meter" which tracked how humiliating each contestant's performance was.
Elder Wu sat at the center of the judge's table, looking tired and disappointed, possibly because Jin was alive and still somehow representing the sect.
Next to him was a woman dressed in crimson robes and wielding a whip so long it doubled as a runway carpet.
"She's the Brothel Technique Scout," Fairy Ling whispered to Jin, "Mistress Red Lotus."
Jin's mouth dropped. "She's gorgeous… and terrifying. Like a dominatrix who can recite scriptures!"
Mistress Red Lotus licked her whip. The scoreboard increased by 15 points just from audience nosebleeds.
"This is going to be the best day of my life," Jin whispered.
The first contestants took the stage. Some performed sword dances, others showcased their elemental skills. One guy tried to seduce a rock spirit and got punched into the next province.
Then it was Jin's turn.
He stepped up, cracked his knuckles, and yelled, "Prepare yourselves for the Panty-Ripping Sword Style!"
Gasps erupted. Even Mistress Red Lotus raised an eyebrow.
Elder Wu slammed his head into the judging table.
"System," Jin whispered, "Give me something stupidly effective."
[Ding! Activating: Slutty Sword Scripture – Volume 1: The Gyrating Blade of Moans.]
Jin's sword lit up with pink light. He struck a pose that could only be described as "sexy duck meets confused stripper." The wind swirled, his robe fluttered open, revealing perfectly waxed abs, and the sword began to vibrate.
He danced.
He thrust.
He moaned strategically.
Audience members fainted. A nun passed out screaming "Oh heavens, my chastity!"
Ruoyan covered her face. "Why… why am I aroused and ashamed?"
Fairy Ling muttered, "He's not even using a sword anymore, he's using a body pillow tied to a stick."
Elder Wu was sobbing softly.
Mistress Red Lotus stood. "Enough! I have seen perverts, I have seen deviants—but this… this is art."
Jin froze mid-twerk. "Wait… really?!"
She raised her hand. "You have passed the first test. But to inherit the Sect's Secret Brothel Technique, you must now undergo… the Dual Cultivation Simulation Trial."
"Say less," Jin grinned, already unbuttoning his robe.
"Not now, idiot," Ruoyan groaned. "It's metaphorical!"
"Damn it…"
Jin was escorted to a separate pavilion hidden behind a waterfall. A place known only in whispers: The Pleasure Pagoda. The name sounded like a knockoff massage parlor, but the immense spiritual pressure leaking out of it made even Ruoyan's eyebrows twitch.
Fairy Ling grabbed Jin's collar before he could stumble in giggling.
"Listen, you fool. The Dual Cultivation Simulation Trial isn't an orgy."
"Oh, then what's the point?" Jin asked, clearly heartbroken.
"It's a test of your ability to resist temptation while inside an illusion that bombards you with every possible lustful scenario drawn from your subconscious desires."
Jin blinked. "Wait. My subconscious is filthy! I once dreamt I was a cinnamon bun being licked by nine fox girls!"
"That's oddly specific. And gross."
"But delicious!"
Before she could shove him into the pagoda, Mistress Red Lotus appeared, floating like a dominatrix fairy.
She flicked her whip toward Jin, wrapping it around his waist with a loud snap.
"Time to begin. Let's see if your Dao of Degeneracy can handle… the Trial of the Lustful Lotus."
"Dao of Degeneracy?!" Jin beamed. "That's going on my résumé!"
Red Lotus snapped her fingers. The air shimmered.
In the blink of an eye, Jin vanished.
He appeared inside a massive silk-draped chamber. Sensual music played, scented candles burned with soul-calming incense, and dozens of doors lined the walls—each marked with ominous names like "Big Sister's Bathhouse," "Twin Maidens of the Peach Garden," and "Ara Ara Auntie's Surprise Chamber."
"Oh no," Jin said. "This is either heaven or a lawsuit."
The System chimed.
[Ding! Welcome to the Dual Cultivation Simulation. Objective: Resist all advances. Duration: 3 hours.]
[Jin's Lust Resistance: 2/100]
"Oh crap."
The first door creaked open.
Out walked a busty bunny girl cultivator wearing only strategically placed talismans and the faintest hint of modesty. She twirled a carrot.
"Come, Young Master. Let Big Bunbun bounce on your—"
"I SURRENDER!" Jin screamed.
[Failure Imminent.]
He slapped himself.
"Focus! You've trained for this. Through years of loneliness, rejected confessions, and blue balls so intense they achieved sentience!"
He charged through another door labeled "Mature Teacher's Disciplinary Chamber."
Inside, a strict-looking sword mistress in tight robes stood beside a desk and ruler.
"You're late for class, Student Jin."
"Oh no," he whispered, sweat beading.
"Bend over. I shall discipline you."
"Sweet merciful heavens this isn't fair!"
[Willpower Decreasing.]
Jin bit his lip, screamed internally, and activated the System's Desperation Mode.
[Ding! Activating: Grandma Mode.]
Suddenly, all the women in the room turned into nagging grannies who wanted to set him up with their granddaughters and feed him pickled radish.
"Have you eaten? You look too skinny! Come eat my soul-dumplings!"
"I crocheted you some anti-evil boxer shorts!"
Jin dropped to his knees. "Thank you, System… Thank you."
Three grueling hours later, Jin emerged from the pagoda, sweaty, trembling, and emotionally scarred—but victorious.
He fell into Ruoyan's arms, sobbing.
"I survived… Big Bunbun tried to sit on my face but I turned her into a platonic cousin!"
Fairy Ling clapped slowly. "Congratulations. You've done the impossible—you resisted sex for three hours."
"Truly, a feat no cultivator under Nascent Horniness has ever achieved," Mistress Red Lotus said. "You've passed."
She floated forward and handed him a jade scroll inscribed with golden characters: The Brothel Technique Manual: Volume 69.
Jin's hands trembled as he opened it. Inside were moves with names like:
Thrusting Dragon Penetrates the Nine Heavens
Winking Lotus Sways the Jade Pole
The Five-Fingered Palm of Unholy Ecstasy
Whirlwind Bedroll Spanking Method
"This… this is art."
Ruoyan snatched it away. "This is porn."
"Porn with depth!"
Mistress Red Lotus added, "Master these moves, and you will not only rise in cultivation but earn the legendary title: Supreme Bedroom Emperor."
"I want that title on my tombstone," Jin said, wiping a tear.
Fairy Ling raised a brow. "You'll be in a tomb if you try that 'Whirlwind Bedroll' thing with me."
Suddenly, a golden talisman flared in the sky.
Elder Wu's voice boomed: "All disciples report to the Grand Hall immediately! The sect is under threat!"
Jin groaned. "Can't I enjoy being a sexual kung fu prodigy for five minutes before trouble shows up?"
The girls ran off toward the Grand Hall.
Jin ran after them, tucking the Brothel Technique Manual into his inner robe pocket, just beside his emergency stash of spiritual lube and a handwritten love letter to Ruoyan he was never brave enough to send.
As they approached the Grand Hall, Jin paused.
"Wait. What if the enemy is immune to seduction?"
Ruoyan scoffed. "Then you're useless."
Jin smirked. "Not true. I've got one last technique left."
He pulled out a second scroll, one he'd made himself.
Fairy Ling read it aloud. "The Panty-Ripping Sword Style: Ultra Horny Heaven-Thrusting Edition…"
Ruoyan facepalmed. "We're doomed."
The Grand Hall of the Jade Cauldron Sect was packed tighter than a brothel on payday.
All core disciples, elders, and sect heads stood around the towering crystal projection in the center. On it flickered an image of a strange figure approaching from the clouds, riding what looked suspiciously like a giant… lubricated banana?
Jin squinted. "Is that a flying…?"
Elder Wu snapped, "Yes. A banana. We're trying not to acknowledge it."
Mistress Red Lotus tilted her head. "I've ridden worse."
Jin whispered to Ruoyan, "What does that even mean?"
Before she could answer, the image zoomed in on the enemy—a robed man with wild eyes, a black beard shaped like a question mark, and nipples that glowed with sinister light.
Elder Wu scowled. "The Degenerate Alchemist… Ye Wanker the Defiler."
"Wait… his name is Wanker?"
"It's a title."
Jin nodded solemnly. "Truly, a man of culture."
Ye Wanker hovered over the sect walls, projecting his voice across the realm.
"O scum of the Jade Cauldron! Your days of purity and chastity are numbered! Surrender your Brothel Technique Manual, or I shall unleash my army of Erotic Golems upon you!"
There was an awkward silence.
Elder Mei whispered, "Erotic… what now?"
From the skies rained down massive mechanical constructs, each resembling voluptuous women with cannons for nipples and hips that could crush mountains.
One of them landed and wiggled aggressively at a poor outer sect disciple, who screamed and fainted.
Mistress Red Lotus rolled her eyes. "Please. I've dated worse."
Jin muttered, "Your ex must have been a spiritual washing machine."
The first golem opened its mouth and fired a barrage of glowing pink heart-shaped missiles. The disciples scattered, dodging explosions of aphrodisiac gas.
One unlucky elder inhaled a cloud and immediately stripped down to his inner robes, moaning, "I am one with the Dao of Exhibitionism!"
Elder Wu slapped him unconscious with a sandal.
Jin drew his sword, but Ruoyan stopped him. "You can't fight them with normal techniques."
"I wasn't going to," Jin grinned. "I'm going to use… the Panty-Ripping Sword Style!"
He unsheathed his blade.
A seductive wind swirled around him. Pink cherry blossoms bloomed out of nowhere. His robe fluttered unnecessarily. Somewhere in the distance, a shamisen played a solo.
Fairy Ling stepped back. "Oh no. He's going full pervert."
Jin struck a pose, balancing on one toe, sword held behind his back like an anime protagonist with too many fetishes.
"Panty-Ripping Sword Style: First Form! Silken Underwear Separation Slash!"
He slashed through the air.
A sonic wave tore through space—and reality itself. The golem in front of him exploded, panties raining down like confetti.
The sect stood in stunned silence.
Even Ye Wanker paused mid-maniacal laugh.
"…Did he just strip an automaton?"
Jin raised his sword again.
"Second Form! Thrust of the Heavenly Pillow Biter!"
The next wave of energy sent three golems spiraling into the sky, moaning in binary code.
Ruoyan screamed, "WHERE DID YOU EVEN LEARN THIS?!"
Jin winked. "I used to work in an office. I had time."
Ye Wanker roared, "Impressive, young degenerate! But can you handle my ultimate weapon?!"
He pulled out a scroll and chanted.
Suddenly, a colossal being emerged—a 500-foot tall waifu golem with eight bouncing chests, an army of simps riding her toes, and a giant whip made of bras.
"BEHOLD! THE SIMP-QUEEN MECHASUCCUBUS!"
Fairy Ling drew her blade. "We can't fight that."
Jin stepped forward, heroic… and hard.
"I can."
He turned to Ruoyan and the others. "Cover me. I need thirty seconds to charge my ultimate move."
"What kind of ultimate move?!"
Jin knelt, focusing all his Qi into his dantian. His eyes glowed pink. His sword hummed lewdly. His System chimed.
[Ding! You are now channeling: Final Panty-Ripping Sword Style Technique.]
[Technique: 69th Form – Climax Slash of the Heavens!]
The sky darkened.
Even the Mechasuccubus paused.
Lightning cracked across the heavens as Jin rose, pointing his sword straight ahead.
"THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE REJECTED VIRGINS OUT THERE! FOR THE MEN WHO GOT CURSED BY PANTS! FOR THE LEGACY OF THE LONELY!"
He slashed.
Time itself rippled. The air shattered into silk ribbons. The Mechasuccubus let out a digital scream of climax and imploded in an orgasmic explosion visible across realms.
The dust settled.
Jin stood in the crater, clothes torn, sword embedded in the ground, panting like he just ran a marathon with no pants.
Ruoyan rushed to him.
"You idiot! You could've died!"
He looked up at her.
"But I didn't. I lived. I ripped panties. I saved the sect. And now…"
He held out a piece of silk.
"…I offer you this as my symbol of victory."
She slapped him.
"You gave me some random golem's underwear?!"
Mistress Red Lotus laughed. "I knew he had potential."
Elder Wu sighed. "God help us all."
As the disciples cheered, Jin collapsed into Ruoyan's arms.
"Did… did I do good?"
"You did stupid."
"…So that's a yes?"
And thus, the sect survived the invasion—thanks to the most ridiculous sword style ever created, a system with no sense of shame, and a man who believed that being a degenerate could save the world.
Jin stood atop the obliterated roof of the Jade Peony Pavilion, shirtless and holding a flaming chicken drumstick like a divine scepter. Beneath him, the aftermath of the "Buffet Brawl of Destiny" still simmered—unconscious disciples, overturned soup cauldrons, and one rogue duck that had declared itself sect leader.
"By decree of the Great System," Jin announced, cheeks smeared with spicy sauce, "this sect is now under the dominion of the Gluttony Path! All meals shall be bottomless, all waists—optional!"
"HUZZAH!" shouted a drunk elder wearing nothing but a noodle bowl on his head.
Ruoyan facepalmed. "This idiot's going to start a culinary sect, isn't he?"
Fairy Ling, now wearing only two strategically placed dim sum wrappers, giggled. "Well… he did 'eat' up all our hearts."
"Ling, no! Don't encourage his wordplay!"
Too late.
"Ladies," Jin said, glowing with post-battle charisma and MSG, "who wants to join me on a quest to the forbidden dumpling mine hidden beneath the Sect Treasury?"
Ruoyan sighed. "That's not a thing."
"It is now!" he declared. "System, initiate Quest: Operation Dumpling Deep Dive!"
[Ding! New Quest Created: 'Operation Dumpling Deep Dive!']
[Objective: Discover the Forbidden Dumpling Mine and survive the Trial of Thousand Sauces.]
[Warning: Side effects may include heartburn, harem expansion, and permanent chili aura.]
Fairy Ling raised her hand. "I volunteer as tribute."
Ruoyan stared at her. "You just want to taste the legendary Szechuan Spicy Core again."
Ling blushed. "...Maybe."
Jin posed like a wuxia hero fused with a food blogger. "Then onward! For flavor! For freedom! For funny business!"
The three leapt into the crater, vanishing into steam and dramatic background music sung by a choir of drunken pandas.