Jin Cheng had done many things in life he wasn't proud of—once tried to sell expired spirit pills as aphrodisiacs, accidentally slapped a sect elder's pet crane in the face (to be fair, it looked like a pervert), and of course, the time he mistook a cultivation furnace for a bathhouse and traumatized an entire alchemy class.
But none of that compared to what he was about to do: infiltrate the Celestial Orchid Sect's sacred bathhouse... while very naked... and also mildly drunk.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" whispered Ruoyan, wearing a robe that screamed 'I'm just here for plot development'.
"No," Jin said, wobbling slightly as he stood barefoot on the mossy roof overlooking the Orchid Sect courtyard. "But the System told me there's a secret spirit vein under the women's hot spring."
Ruoyan narrowed her eyes. "Spirit vein… or a vein of spiritual women?"
Jin coughed. "Both? Look, we're cultivating enlightenment here. Also, I left my pants in the last sect we visited, and I'm pretty sure they burned them."
[System Notification: Quest Activated! Operation: Steamy Penetration of Enlightenment]
"I feel like whoever programmed this System had zero shame," Ruoyan muttered.
"I am the System," said the interface smugly.
Ruoyan pointed at Jin's crotch. "Then explain why his 'Dragon Root' is on full alert like it's guarding a treasure vault?"
[System Notification: Congratulations! Passive Skill – Midnight Tower of Shame activated. +5% defense against frost damage. -30% reputation.]
"Oh gods." Jin sighed, grabbed a nearby melon for modesty, and leapt into the bathhouse compound like a horny ninja on a mission from Buddha.
Unfortunately, his landing wasn't exactly dignified. He crash-landed into a pile of towels, knocking over a basket of scented oils and a small goose.
"Aaaand I'm in." He peeked through a bamboo screen. Steam rolled across the marble floor, scented candles flickered, and somewhere beyond the mist… giggles.
He tiptoed forward, melon clutched like a shield of virtue. He had a plan. Sort of. If he could just find the spirit vein under the bathhouse, he could absorb it using the Absorption Technique: Moist Mermaid Edition, which he may or may not have stolen from a banned sect scroll that used suspiciously suggestive diagrams.
That's when he heard it.
"Ling'er, are you sure this bath oil makes your skin glow?"
"Oh yes. Elder Sister said it's made from a special blend of lotus nectar and… something called Essence of Peak Yin. It tingles in all the right spots."
Jin's legs nearly gave out.
"I have to see this," he whispered.
Just as he leaned forward to sneak a peek, the floor creaked like a snitch with loose morals. Four heads turned in unison.
Fairy Ling. Ruoyan. A flustered junior disciple with absurdly large buns. And Elder Xue, the most terrifying woman alive—rumored to have once castrated an entire demonic sect for calling her 'granny'.
Jin froze. The melon slipped.
There was a moment of pure silence. Then—
"PERVERT!"
"You again?!"
"Wait, is that my towel?!"
Elder Xue raised a hand, and a giant pink spiritual palm appeared in the air.
"Wait wait WAIT! I can explain—!"
SLAP!
Jin was launched backward through three walls, landed face-first in a koi pond, and emerged clutching a fish to his chest like a traumatized sailor.
[System Notification: Congratulations! You've unlocked Slap of the Divine Matron! Your pain tolerance has increased. Your libido has not.]
"I'm gonna die naked," Jin groaned.
Jin Cheng didn't know where he was. He just knew it was wet, cold, and smelled faintly of koi poop and lost dignity. As he lay on his back in the middle of the pond, a lone lotus leaf floated down and landed on his… most sensitive treasure. A frog croaked sympathetically from a lily pad.
"System… any ideas?" he groaned.
[System Notification: Recommend immediate retreat, apology ritual, and application of herbal balm. Also suggest never showing your face again. Anywhere.]
He sat up, squelching, with a koi fish still lodged in his armpit.
But before he could stand, Ruoyan stormed over, holding his discarded melon like a courtroom exhibit.
"You IDIOT! You blew our cover, embarrassed yourself, and now the entire Celestial Orchid Sect thinks I'm your accomplice! Do you know what that means?!"
"That we're officially partners?" Jin tried with a weak smile.
She smacked him with the melon. Twice.
"Oh come on! I was this close to locating that spirit vein!" he said, holding his fingers together like a man who'd measured disappointment too many times.
"You were this close to being neutered by a spiritual palm technique nicknamed Heaven's Clam Slam," Ruoyan snapped.
But before she could throw another insult—or fruit—the bushes nearby rustled. A head poked out. It was none other than Fairy Ling, blushing furiously and clutching a towel with the same energy one would use to hold a sacred relic.
"Y-you dropped this…" she whispered, extending Jin's pants with a trembling hand, which somehow had gained an extra pair of holes since last he wore them. Possibly from trauma. Possibly from Elder Xue's slap.
Jin blinked. "You… you came to return my pants?"
"Don't flatter yourself! I just didn't want anyone else to find them and think our sect was hosting deranged exhibitionists!"
"That's exactly what's happening!" Ruoyan screamed.
Fairy Ling flushed deeper. "Also… you might want to dry off. That pond is full of mood-altering spiritual koi. One of them tried to kiss me once."
"What?!"
Before he could react, the koi from his armpit wriggled up, gave him a sultry wink, and slapped his chest with its tail.
[System Notification: Afflicted by Koi Aphrodisiac Mist. Side effects: mild arousal, sudden poetry, and the overwhelming urge to dry hump a tree.]
"Oh no," Ruoyan muttered.
"I feel… romantic," Jin sighed, standing up and throwing his arms wide. "The moon! The stars! The… tree trunk shaped like a maiden's thigh!"
He lunged toward a tree.
Ruoyan dropkicked him mid-leap.
BOOM!
"STOP ACTIVATING RANDOM TECHNIQUES WHILE HALLUCINATING!" she yelled, pinning him to the ground.
But it was too late. The koi aphrodisiac had triggered one of Jin's weirder System skills: Flirtation Cultivation: Love in the Leaves Edition.
"Uh-oh," the System whispered ominously.
"What do you mean 'uh-oh'?!" Ruoyan cried, glancing down.
Vines were rising around them. Glowing. Wrapping. Coiling. Moaning.
Wait… moaning?
"Why are these vines moaning!?"
[System Notification: Congratulations! You have activated the Ancient Forbidden Wood Technique: Entangle Me Tender, Entangle Me Vine. Warning: Not safe for gardens.]
Vines wrapped around Ruoyan's waist and yanked her into Jin's arms like a cheap romance novel come to life. Her eyes twitched.
"If you even think of quoting poetry right now, I will personally deflower your spinal cord," she hissed.
Jin, for his part, was too busy trying to fight off a vine that kept tickling his nipples.
Just then, a group of disciples entered the clearing.
What they saw: Jin Cheng and Ruoyan entangled in glowing vines, moaning echoing through the air, petals swirling romantically.
"Oh no," whispered one.
"He's seducing Senior Sister Ruoyan in the public koi garden!" gasped another.
"He must be using a Forbidden Lust Technique! GET THE ELDERS!"
Ruoyan shrieked. "I WILL MURDER YOU IF I'M EXPELLED!"
"I was just cultivating!" Jin protested, now tangled in what looked suspiciously like a floral bondage harness.
[System Notification: Reputation with Celestial Orchid Sect: -100. Current status: Public Enemy Number One. Achievement unlocked: Vine Whipped and Proud]
"Oh gods, we're going to die like this," Ruoyan groaned, kicking a vine in the face.
A loud gong rang out from the inner sect. Disciples scattered as Elder Xue reappeared, eyes blazing, robes swirling, and spiritual power leaking like a busted dam.
"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS PERVERT!"
"Time to run!" Jin yelped, activating Escape Technique: Coward's Lightning Step. It mostly involved screaming and high knees.
Ruoyan followed, cursing every deity in existence.
Behind them, vines danced, koi laughed, and Elder Xue raised both hands to summon the legendary Heavenly 108 Palm Slaps of Shame.
"IF I CATCH YOU AGAIN, I'M TURNING YOUR DRAGON ROOT INTO A PANCAKE!"
Jin screamed like a banshee. "She's aiming for the nuts! SHE'S AIMING FOR THE NUTS!"
Jin Cheng and Ruoyan barely made it out of the Celestial Orchid Sect alive.
And by "barely," that meant Ruoyan piggybacking a flailing, half-naked Jin through a burning garden of aphrodisiac lotus blossoms while being chased by furious elders, moaning vines, and at least one highly aroused koi fish.
They crashed through the final gate, rolled down a slope, and landed face-first in a haystack outside the sect walls.
A nearby farmer blinked. "You two okay?"
Jin gave a thumbs-up from inside the haystack. "10/10 landing. Would bang again."
Ruoyan sat up, hay in her hair, blouse ripped, and dignity somewhere back at the pond. "Next time you get horny near a magical fish, I'm cutting it off. Do you hear me?"
He nodded solemnly. "That's fair. Totally fair."
[System Notification: Congratulations! You've escaped Celestial Orchid Sect. Gained: +5 Agility, -1000 Reputation, and one traumatic memory.]
Jin rolled onto his back and sighed. "Okay, so… maybe I got a little carried away."
Ruoyan stared at him. "A little?! Jin, we can't go back to that sect for at least a hundred years or until they legalize public vine bondage!"
Jin blinked. "Wait… you think they might legalize it someday?"
Ruoyan facepalmed so hard the farmer nearby winced.
Just then, the air trembled. A spiritual ripple surged across the landscape. From the distance, a beam of light shot into the sky.
Jin stood up, instantly alert. "Whoa. What's that? New plot development?"
[System Notification: Detected – Unclaimed Secret Realm has opened. Coordinates: Two miles east. Warning: Contains high danger, rare treasures, and possibly a sentient talking boulder with anger issues.]
Ruoyan groaned. "I'm still sore from being choked by vines, and you want to go spelunking into a deadly realm?"
"Absolutely. Also, I think I dropped my pants somewhere near the entrance. Can't let those fall into the wrong hands. Or tentacles."
---
Two hours later, they arrived at the newly emerged realm: a jagged fissure in the earth glowing with ominous blue mist. Dozens of cultivators had gathered, including familiar faces… and busts.
Fairy Ling was there, glaring at Jin like she had a list of forty-seven ways to neuter him using only a flute.
One of the outer sect girls gasped. "Isn't that the guy who seduced vines? The One Leaf One Night Stand?!"
Another whispered, "I heard he has a spiritual technique that makes flowers bloom… inside you."
Jin gave a weak wave. "Hey. Heh. Flower power?"
A tomato hit him square in the face.
[System Notification: Gained debuff: Shame Stain – Charisma temporarily reduced by 5 unless you're naked.]
"Okay," he muttered. "This realm better have some pants."
They stepped through the fissure… and found themselves in a surreal jungle. Floating mushrooms the size of carriages, giggling bamboo, and trees shaped like very curvy humans filled the landscape.
"Oh no," Ruoyan whispered. "Why does every place we go feel like someone fed a forest fifty aphrodisiacs and then gave it a human resources department?"
Suddenly, a low voice echoed around them. "Welcome, intruders, to the Secret Realm of Sensual Spirits."
A huge boulder nearby lit up. Eyes opened. Lips curled. It had eyebrows.
Jin blinked. "System… is the rock flirting with me?"
[System Notification: Affirmative. This is Rock Daddy. Level: Horny. Likes: Compliments, polishing, emotional vulnerability.]
"Who dares awaken me?" the boulder rumbled. "I was in the middle of my beauty nap!"
Jin, unfazed, stepped forward. "Greetings, Rock Daddy! You look… well-rounded."
The boulder blushed. Somehow.
"Oh! Flattery! I like you, soft little meat man."
Ruoyan smacked him. "STOP FLIRTING WITH GEOLOGY."
But Rock Daddy was already opening a stone gateway with a heavy groan. "You may pass, but beware… The inner chamber tests more than strength. It tests desire. Weak will shall be exposed. Strong libido shall be challenged."
Jin grinned. "Sounds like my Thursday night."
They entered the gateway and immediately faced a corridor of illusions. Each wall projected seductive scenes: past lovers, forbidden desires, and that time Jin got stuck between two sisters in a brothel training arc that was technically canon in his dreams.
Ruoyan staggered, shielding her eyes. "Why is mine filled with you dressed as a sexy librarian!?"
"Why is mine filled with me as a sexy librarian!?" Jin shouted, baffled.
[System Notification: Illusions are created from subconscious desires. You are, apparently, your own kink.]
As they passed through, resisting temptation became harder. Jin had to slap his own hands away multiple times. Ruoyan ended up yelling at a mirror version of herself that kept trying to kiss her.
Finally, they emerged into the final chamber: a stone platform floating above an endless abyss.
At the center, hovering on a lotus pedestal, was a radiant orb of qi energy. The prize.
They approached carefully—until three other cultivators showed up. A team of male disciples from the Iron Palm Sect, muscles oiled, shirts missing, and attitudes aggressive.
"Step away, weaklings," one sneered. "We, the Thrusting Thunder Trio, claim this treasure!"
Jin blinked. "Your sect let you call yourselves that?"
"Silence!" barked the leader. "We've trained in synchronized thrusting for a decade!"
Ruoyan leaned over. "Is it me or does everyone in this realm need therapy and pants?"
The trio activated their group technique: Three-Man Thunder Thrust, charging forward in perfect pelvic unison.
Jin snorted. "Alright. Time for something deeply inappropriate."
[System Notification: Activating Secret Technique – Reverse Thrust Rebound!]
He caught the lead attacker by the hips, spun him mid-air, and launched him straight into his teammates. The trio crashed in a pile of flexing muscles and painful groans.
Ruoyan clapped slowly. "That was the gayest martial move I've ever seen."
"They were asking for it!" Jin said.
"Literally, I think."
They approached the lotus pedestal together. As Jin reached for the orb, he whispered, "If this turns into another bondage plant, I'm out."
But no… this time, the orb pulsed, accepted him, and surged energy into his dantian.
[System Notification: Congratulations! You've acquired the Mystical Orb of Libido Refinement. Technique unlocked: Climaxing Qi Burst – Dual Cultivation Edition.]
Ruoyan stared at him.
"Don't," she warned.
He raised his hands. "I didn't ask for it!"
"You never do, Jin. You never do."
And with that, they escaped the realm—chased, once again, by moaning trees, angry disciples, and now a boulder screaming "CALL ME!"