Jin opened his eyes to a divine view: soft clouds, warm sunshine, and Fairy Ling doing yoga in skin-tight robes. The world was good.
"Focus, pervert," Ruoyan smacked the back of his head. "The Sect Leader's coming. Try not to flirt. Or explode."
Jin coughed. "Can't I do both?"
Before she could jab him again, a tremor ran through the sect square. Every disciple's clothes fluttered, not from wind, but from raw Qi. It was like someone farted spiritual energy after three bowls of enlightenment chili.
A ripple tore through space. From it descended a woman riding a massive phoenix… dressed in flowing crimson robes that hugged curves capable of launching a thousand Qi deviations.
"That's her?" Jin whispered, eyes wide. "Sect Leader Xia Qingyue?"
"No," Ruoyan said. "That's a walking lawsuit waiting to happen."
The woman landed, hair flowing, lips crimson, and eyes sharper than a peak-tier soul-cutting blade. She had that "I'll step on your ego and your face" energy that made Jin's pants spiritually tighten.
"Greetings," she said, voice like jade silk dipped in wine. "I am Xia Qingyue, Sect Master of the Crimson Lotus Sect. And you... are the one whose techniques include something called... the Divine Honk?"
Everyone turned to Jin.
He tried to act noble. "Yes, Sect Leader. That is indeed... one of my many esoteric techniques."
Her eyebrow twitched. "You also used something called the 'Pervert's Palm' to slap a rival until he recited a love poem about ass cheeks."
Elder Wu covered his face. "I have the scroll, if anyone wants a copy."
Xia Qingyue sighed. "What the hell kind of cultivation path are you walking?"
Jin grinned. "The Dao of Shenanigans."
Before she could respond, Fairy Ling burst forward and bowed. "Sect Leader, allow me to explain! Jin may be unconventional, but he's also... wildly gifted."
"You mean wildly horny," Ruoyan muttered.
Xia Qingyue narrowed her eyes. "Very well. I'll allow him to stay in the Crimson Lotus Core Disciple Tournament… on one condition."
Jin gulped. "Which is?"
"You must win. And you must win while using your 'unique' techniques. Publicly."
There was a silence. Then…
Jin whispered, "So you're saying… I get to slap my way to victory?"
Ruoyan groaned. "He's turned it into a kink."
Xia Qingyue nodded. "If you win, I will personally… reward you."
Jin blinked. "Like…with a pill?"
Her lips curled. "That depends on how good your technique really is."
A vein popped in Jin's head. "I have never trained harder for anything in my entire reincarnated life."
[System Alert: New Quest! Slap Your Way to the Top! Reward: High-grade Yin Essence Technique… and something more.]
---
The Crimson Lotus Core Disciple Tournament was held in the Celestial Arena—a floating coliseum powered by Qi reactors and the collective anxiety of outer sect disciples.
Jin stood in the waiting room, shaking.
"I should've worn my lucky underwear," he muttered. "The one embroidered with mini-Ruoyans."
"You what now?" Ruoyan asked behind him.
"Nothing!"
The gong rang.
"JIN LONG! FIRST ROUND!"
He strutted onto the arena like a man with three inches of confidence but a twelve-inch ego.
His opponent?
A tall, muscular girl with twin scimitars and a face that screamed, "I chew nails for breakfast."
"I am Mei Fang, Sword Mistress of the Crimson Gale Dojo," she growled. "Prepare to have your face cut into motivational confetti."
Jin cupped his fists. "I am Jin Long, master of the Heavenly Grope Palm and Triple-F Bounce Step."
She blinked.
"...You're joking."
"Only about 60%."
They took stances.
Mei Fang blurred, her swords a flurry of steel and wrath.
Jin activated his System.
[Ding! Pervert's Palm Art – Third Layer Unlocked: Grip of God!]
His hands glowed pink. His body moved with drunken clarity. As the swords approached, he dodged, spun, and honked—yes, actually honked—her with a glowing palm.
"YIIEEE!" she shrieked, dropping her blades. "You—You—"
"Winner: Jin Long!" the referee screamed, trying not to laugh.
The crowd exploded into chaos.
Ruoyan facepalmed so hard she left a mark.
Xia Qingyue watched from above, sipping tea. Her eyes sparkled.
"Interesting…"
By the time Jin returned to the waiting room, his hand was glowing. Literally. His right palm now pulsed with pink spiritual energy and let out an occasional moan.
"Why is your hand… breathing?" Fairy Ling asked, both concerned and vaguely aroused.
"It's awakened," Jin whispered dramatically. "The True Dao of the Five-Fingered Enlightenment… Stage Two: Fondle of Fate."
"You're not cultivating a technique," Ruoyan said. "You're developing a lawsuit."
[System Alert! Hand of Justice now upgraded to Hand of Just Tits. Caution: Overuse may cause spiritual backlash or unintended engagements.]
Jin looked down at his glowing hand. "Sorry buddy. We need you for one more round before we go full monk and swear off touching stuff."
Fairy Ling snorted. "You? Monk? You once tried to flirt with a talking tree."
"It had curves!"
The next match was called.
His opponent this time? An elegant young man in white robes, floating on a sword, with eyebrows so sharp they could pierce souls. His name appeared in the air in gold calligraphy:
Han Xing – Crown Prince of the Icy Moon Sect.
"Another clown?" Han Xing sighed, stepping down like a disappointed ballet instructor. "Do I really have to waste my qi on a walking innuendo?"
Jin bowed. "Hello, fellow future eunuch."
"You dare?" Han Xing drew his sword, ice gathering around him. "I shall freeze your soul and your sex drive!"
"Oh no," Jin said, eyes widening. "Not my second dantian!"
The battle began.
Han Xing summoned a snowstorm.
Jin responded by activating his newest secret technique: the Heavenly Double Squeeze Formation, which caused his hands to move in a spiraling yin-yang pattern like the world's most aggressive masseuse.
As Han Xing lunged with his sword, Jin ducked, slipped beneath his arm, and clapped his opponent's buttocks with the elegance of a thousand-year-old pervert.
"KYAAA!"
A burst of pink exploded, sending Han Xing spinning into the air, icicles shattering mid-flight, before he crash-landed on his own sword handle.
Groaning.
Defeated.
"Winner: Jin Long!" the referee declared, now crying from holding back laughter.
Han Xing lay twitching. "M-My ass… has been spiritually enlightened…"
From the stands, Xia Qingyue leaned over to the Elders. "He used a rear-approach Qi redirection technique. Fascinating. Ridiculous. But… effective."
Elder Mo coughed. "Madam Sect Leader… are you blushing?"
"I'm not," she snapped, fanning herself.
Back in the waiting room, Jin collapsed onto a bench. Ruoyan threw a towel at him.
"Stop winning with your pervert hands."
"They're blessed by Heaven now!" Jin argued, flexing. "One more round, and I'll ascend to the Dao of Ultimate Groping!"
Fairy Ling whispered, "Is it wrong that I find this kind of hot?"
"No," Ruoyan admitted. "And that scares me."
Then came the final announcement:
"Final Match: Jin Long vs. Yue Lihua!"
The arena trembled.
Yue Lihua walked in… all legs, all curves, wearing robes that belonged more in a bedroom than a battlefield. She wore high heels on a cloud and smiled with the confidence of a woman who had never once had to ask for directions.
"You're the boy causing all this chaos?" she purred.
Jin gulped. "You're not going to flirt me into submission, are you?"
She giggled. "No, darling. I'm going to test your hands."
Everyone went silent.
Ruoyan blinked. "Excuse me?!"
Even the System paused.
[Warning: This opponent may cause overheating.]
The match began.
Lihua walked up to Jin, leaned forward, and whispered, "Touch me… if you can."
Jin sweated. "Is this a fight or a fanfiction?"
But it was too late. She moved—graceful, fluid, slippery like a wet eel in silk lingerie. Jin tried every technique—Pervert's Palm, Heavenly Squeeze, even his final move: Mystic Grope: Twin Dragon Embrace.
But she dodged each one with a giggle.
Then, suddenly, she touched him. Just once. Right on the chest.
Jin went flying backwards.
"KYAHHH!"
He smashed into a statue of a naked ancestor and left a perfect imprint of his face between the ancestor's stone butt cheeks.
"Match… ongoing!" shouted the referee. "No winner yet!"
Jin groaned. "She's… she's the final boss of perverts. She's me, but with boobs and grace…"
From the stands, Xia Qingyue stood up, her eyes locked onto Jin.
"If he can win this, I'll give him more than just a reward…" she murmured.
Elder Wu blinked. "Sorry, Sect Leader. What was that?"
"Nothing! I said disciplinary reward!"
Back in the arena, Jin stood shakily. His hand pulsed. His Qi surged.
[System Alert! Hidden Technique Unlocked: Dao of Mutual Consent – One Finger Death Tease!]
His finger glowed like a thousand suns.
"Prepare yourself," Jin whispered. "This will either enlighten your meridians… or get me arrested."
And with that, he dashed forward.
Jin's finger glowed like a heavenly beacon of inappropriate intent as he charged toward Yue Lihua. The air sizzled. The arena pulsed. Somewhere in the stands, a goose laid an egg from sheer anticipation.
Yue Lihua's eyes narrowed. "He dares use the Forbidden Finger of Fondling Fate?"
She floated backwards, heels clicking in mid-air like naughty thunder. Her dress fluttered, revealing thighs that had broken the will of three sects and one entire empire.
Jin's glowing digit pierced through her defensive Qi barrier, which moaned like it enjoyed it a little too much. He lunged, aiming for her shoulder, but tripped on a loose tile and instead poked her…
Right on the left nipple.
A gasp. A blast of spiritual energy. Pink lotus petals exploded in every direction.
The entire arena was sent into a tantric whirlpool of Dao-flavored ecstasy.
Lihua stumbled backward, breathless. "You… You actually touched… the Divine Blossom Node…"
"I'm sorry!" Jin cried, hands up. "It was an accident! The Dao guided me!"
[System Alert! You have unlocked: Heaven-Piercing Nipple Technique Lv1.]
Jin: "I am so going to cultivation jail."
Lihua recovered quickly. Her face glowed with amusement and arousal. "You're full of surprises. But this is just the foreplay."
She raised her leg—graceful, slow, lethal—and performed a mid-air split that caused three Elders to faint from blood loss and one to write a poem titled Booty Like Mountains, Legs Like Lightning.
She twirled, her robe flaring open for just a flash, exposing... something that made the statue of the Sword Ancestor cover its own eyes.
"Prepare for my ultimate move!" she declared. "Silken Yin Style: Nine Caresses of Cultivation!"
Jin was assaulted—by massages, spanks, hip sways, soft moans, and the faint scent of heavenly bath oil. His defenses crumbled. He moaned, loudly, like a porn star reading the Dao De Jing.
"I can't—Too much softness—Too many pillows—!"
From the stands, Ruoyan screamed, "Focus, damn you! Think of ugly things! Think of taxes!"
Fairy Ling joined in. "Imagine Elder Wu naked!"
Jin gasped. "It's working… the horror… the wrinkles…"
He steadied himself.
With a cry that echoed through the heavens, Jin unleashed his final, most desperate move.
The Thousand-Year Virgin Elbow Jab!
His elbow jabbed Lihua's thigh.
A ripple of surprise passed through her body.
"Oh my heavens," she whispered. "You hit my… my Yin Tendon!"
The arena exploded.
Literally. Half the stage vaporized in an orgasmic burst of Qi.
Both combatants lay twitching on the ground, moaning, glowing with inappropriate spiritual energy. It was hard to tell if it was a duel or an interspiritual foreplay scene.
The referee—nosebleed gushing like a geyser—raised his trembling hand.
"M-Match is a tie!"
The crowd gasped.
But then Yue Lihua raised her hand. "No… I yield. He touched my heart… and my nipple…"
Jin fainted.
He awoke in the healing chambers.
Ruoyan sat beside him, arms crossed. "So. You poked a Sect Leader's boob and didn't die."
"Technically, I poked it in self-defense," he mumbled.
Fairy Ling leaned over him. "You know, if you'd poked any harder, she might've promoted you to Sect Husband."
From the door, Xia Qingyue entered, robes flowing, her gaze unreadable.
"You've done it," she said, approaching Jin's bed. "You've proven yourself worthy."
Jin blinked. "Worthy of what?"
Qingyue's lips curled in a slow, terrifying smile. "Of advanced training… in the Sect's Deep Yin Dual Cultivation Manual."
Ruoyan choked.
Fairy Ling coughed. "He's gonna die a virgin."
Jin grinned. "Or die smiling."
The Sect Leader leaned in and whispered, "And from now on… you'll train in my private chambers."
[System Alert! Congratulations! You've unlocked a new Quest: Bed Her and Ascend. Rewards include: Dual Cultivation XP, new titles, back pain, and possibly enlightenment.]
Jin sat up. "Let's get this Dao party started!"