Jin was halfway through a roasted pork bun the size of his face when the heavens rumbled ominously. Not the kind of divine warning you get when you defy fate, but the kind that screams, "You're about to walk in on something really weird."
Unfortunately, Jin had grown disturbingly used to weird. After all, he'd mastered a technique called Pervert's Palm and once defeated a cultivator using the power of rhythmic butt slapping. What was a little thunder?
"Did you hear that?" Ruoyan asked, still nursing the bruises from their last sparring match. Sparring, of course, had involved more clothes being ripped than actual techniques being exchanged.
"I hear a lot of things," Jin said, licking sauce off his fingers. "The cries of the damned, the moans of Fairy Ling doing her nightly 'solo dual-cultivation practice,' and the System whispering sweet, perverted nothings into my soul."
[Ding! Reminder: You still haven't checked the secret quest titled: 'The Brothel of Boundless Yin Essence!' Would you like to get slapped with destiny?]
"Wait," Jin blinked. "There's a brothel dungeon quest?! Why am I only hearing about this now?"
[Because you were busy trying to perfect 'Reverse Pillow Thrusting Palm'.]
"Oh yeah. I gave Elder Wu a nosebleed with that one."
Just then, a familiar scent filled the air—plum blossoms, blood, and a faint undertone of adult oil-based lubricant. Jin turned to see a new figure descending from the sky.
Floating on a lotus that may or may not have been vibrating, came Fairy Yushu—a legendary courtesan cultivator whose tongue techniques were said to have once convinced a demon king to give up conquest and become a massage therapist.
"Jin Long," she purred, voice like warm honey dripping on naked ambition. "You've been chosen."
Jin blinked. "Is this about that unpaid tab at the Nipple Heaven Tavern? Because I can explain. I thought those nipples were decorative."
"No," she said, touching down with grace. "You are hereby invited to the Sacred Brothel of Endless Yin—home to the Ten Thousand Techniques of Bliss, and the Triple Penetration Path of Tao."
Ruoyan's face turned red. "That... sounds fake."
Jin stood up and adjusted his robes—by which I mean he tried to hide his growing interest with the help of a dumpling basket. "System, is this a real quest?"
[Ding! New Main Quest Unlocked: Enter the Sacred Brothel and Withstand the Nine Stages of Cultivation Climax! Warning: Failure may result in spiritual blue balls.]
"Well," Jin said, tossing the empty basket away. "Sounds like I'm about to get hands-on with destiny."
---
Inside the Sacred Brothel, the air was thick with incense and even thicker with tension. Women floated on clouds of seductive Qi, some practicing "Pole Path Harmonization," others moaning as they reached enlightenment via full-body tantric Qi circulation.
"Sweet heavens," Jin whispered. "Is that the 'Heavenly Riding Phoenix Style'? I've only ever read about it in forbidden texts... and a weird comic book called Culti-Kamasutra 69."
Fairy Yushu waved a hand, and a curtain parted to reveal an open chamber with silk beds, rotating mirrors, and a suspiciously enthusiastic massage table named Bob.
"To advance, you must survive all stages," Yushu said, smirking. "Stage One: Yin Qi Overload."
Suddenly, Jin was strapped to a Qi-bed that began vibrating like an earthquake sponsored by horny deities. He tried to stay focused.
"No problem," he muttered. "I've seen Ruoyan's training outfit. I can handle this."
Two seconds later—
"Oh gods! My soul's trying to moan!"
He barely managed to circulate his Qi in time to prevent implosion, drawing on his Pervert's Palm to redirect the excess Yin.
"You've passed Stage One," Yushu said, licking her lips. "Now for Stage Two: Sensual Swordplay."
A woman with twin swords, wearing nothing but leather and battle lust, stepped in.
"Ready to cross blades?" she asked.
Jin gulped. "I might cross more than that, but okay!"
She lunged. He parried.
Each clash sent tingles through his meridians. At one point, she disarmed him—and by disarmed, I mean she slapped his butt hard enough to create aftershocks in three dimensions.
"Mercy!" he gasped.
"There is no mercy in the art of Loving Blade," she whispered, pinning him with a knee between his legs.
With a desperate move, Jin activated a new ability:
[Slippery Escape Technique: Lubed Lightning!]
He slipped out like a greased eel, countered with a Honk of Heaven and flipped her onto a pillow stack.
Jin stood victorious—and mildly aroused.
Yushu clapped. "Impressive. Stage Three: Mirror of Temptation."
A giant mirror appeared... reflecting not his physical form, but all his internal perversions, fantasies, and embarrassing thoughts—including that one time he called Ruoyan "Mommy" by accident.
"No... not the mommy mirror!"
The mirror Jin laughed. "You are weak. You secretly crave being the little spoon!"
"That's not a crime!" Jin snapped.
It was a mental battle of wits, will, and horny shame. But eventually, Jin shattered the illusion with a single righteous slap to his own reflection.
"BEGONE, horny ghost of me!"
---
He stood panting, sweat dripping, spiritual pride half-erect.
"You're halfway through," Yushu said, eyes twinkling. "Can you endure the next six?"
Jin grinned. "Lady, I'm built for endurance. Let's go."
Jin barely had time to wipe the sweat off his brow—or his crotch, depending on perspective—before the next challenge was activated.
"Stage Four: The Room of Moaning Mandates," Fairy Yushu declared, leading him into a chamber that echoed with sultry whispers.
"Why is it called that?" Jin asked, squinting as he stepped inside.
A chorus of disembodied voices answered all at once:
"Stroke the Tao gently… gently!"
"Slap the Dao! Harder!"
"Channel your spiritual juice into my meridian!"
Jin turned ghost-pale. "System. SYSTEM. What the hell is this?!"
[Ding! You've entered a simulation chamber formed by ancient cultivators who believed dirty talk was the fastest way to enlightenment. Brace for impact.]
Suddenly, a gust of sensual Qi blasted him in the face, and he was surrounded by illusory cultivators moaning in slow, exaggerated breathy syllables. He covered his ears.
"Nope! I'm out! I'm not being seduced by literal sound!"
But the moans crept into his meridians. His Qi began to tremble. His lower dantian began vibrating like a spiritual vibrator on demon-mode.
"Oh no," he muttered. "It's happening. I'm being spiritually edged."
He desperately circulated his Yin-Repelling Yang Cycle, even slapped himself twice—once across the cheek, and once across the "great jade pillar of potential." He finally bellowed, "BEGONE, THIRSTY ECHOES!"
The voices faded.
The walls stopped moaning.
His pillar sighed in relief.
"You survived Stage Four," Yushu said, barely concealing a grin. "Stage Five: The Immortal Pole Dance of Dao."
"I'm sorry, did you say... pole dance?"
A golden stage rose from the ground. Lights flashed. Music that sounded suspiciously like a cultivation remix of Pony by Ginuwine filled the air.
Then came the dancer.
She wore little more than spiritual energy and confidence. She swung around a divine bamboo pole inscribed with runes—runes that glowed hotter the harder she gripped it.
"She's using... the Twelve Styles of Celestial Flexibility," Jin whispered, eyes wide. "I didn't even know mortal hips could do that!"
[Warning: Arousal levels critical. Recommend activating 'Dao Heart Lock' to avoid premature enlightenment.]
Jin locked his knees, bit his lip, and held his breath. But the pole dancer had other ideas. She began to move closer. Each sway sent out waves of seductive Qi, and Jin began to hallucinate his own fantasies dancing beside her—Ruoyan in a tight bunny outfit, Fairy Ling dripping with honey, Elder Sister Qian in a dominatrix outfit holding a talisman whip.
His pants spiritually screamed.
But then Jin had an idea.
He countered the seductive Qi with Grandma's Lecture Technique—a forbidden visualization technique where he imagined his least favorite aunt explaining boring taxes while chewing beetles.
"Your cousin married into the cabbage sect," he muttered. "She has three children now. None of them understand tax rebates."
The seductive Qi recoiled.
The pole dancer faltered.
Jin struck with a final blow: "Her feet smelled like wet tofu and sadness!"
Boom. Victory.
Yushu was now laughing outright. "Stage Five passed. Stage Six: The Duel of Erotic Elixirs."
"What...?"
The door opened to reveal a table of potions—some glowing red, others pink, one suspiciously bubbling like a high school science fair project gone perverted.
"Pick one," said the alchemist. She was wearing a scandalously open robe with no inner garments and eyes that sparkled with unhinged intentions.
"Each elixir will test your body's... reaction to love Qi," she purred.
Jin picked the smallest one. The bottle was labeled Essence of Heavenly Blue Balls.
"Wait, what?!"
Too late. He drank it.
Instantly, his body felt as though he'd swallowed a volcano made of suppressed urges. He nearly exploded out of his robes as his spiritual energy got blocked—hard—right at the tip of his "inner dragon."
"THIS IS A CURSE!"
"Now," the alchemist grinned, "you must calm your Qi while I... stimulate your meridians manually."
She began dancing, rubbing her Qi into his body with delicate strokes and soft teasing flicks.
"I hate and love this," Jin moaned, his legs twitching. "This is both the best and worst day of my second life."
Just when he thought he'd combust, he unleashed his secret technique: Angry Virgin Lotus Burst! A blast of pure Yang energy erupted from him and countered the entire elixir in one go, along with blowing the alchemist into a pile of cushions, where she smiled and gave him a thumbs up.
"You've passed Stage Six," Yushu said, voice hoarse from laughing. "Stage Seven: Massage of a Thousand Naughty Hands."
"Oh come ON."
Four voluptuous massage cultivators entered, all wearing translucent robes and armed with heavenly oils.
One asked, "Do you prefer firm or sinful?"
Another whispered, "Would you like the 'Happy Ending Heaven Spiral'?"
The last two just giggled and oiled up their hands.
"System," Jin begged. "I'm begging you. Is there a safe word?"
[Safe word unavailable. You must endure.]
They began.
At first, it was tolerable. Deep tissue. Focused Qi rubs. He even moaned a little—just masculine, respectable moans.
But then they got creative.
One pressed his meridian with her foot, another rubbed oil along his spine with her elbow. One slapped his butt and said, "Your peach is ripe."
"I'm going to ascend," Jin gasped. "Not spiritually. Just... out of sheer horny frustration."
Then he unleashed his final countermeasure: Full Body Stone Mode—a defensive technique that turned him stiff as a rock... in all the wrong and right places.
The masseuses bounced off him like water off a duck's back. A very excited duck.
Yushu declared, "Stage Seven—completed!"
Jin collapsed onto a pile of silken cushions, gasping, twitching, and leaking spiritual sweat.
"I have... two more stages?" he croaked.
"Indeed," Yushu whispered. "But only the worthy make it through to Stage Nine..."
Jin was panting, dripping with sweat and spiritual juices. He lay on the floor like a man who'd fought in a war—not for glory or territory, but for the sanctity of his pants.
He rolled onto his back and moaned. "I am not ready for Stage Eight. I need a smoke. And therapy. Possibly exorcism."
But Fairy Yushu clapped once, and a giant curtain lifted. "Stage Eight: The Reverse Dual Cultivation Gauntlet!"
A sensual battlefield revealed itself—pillows scattered across a lush garden, glowing lanterns casting soft golden light, and a dozen women in minimal clothing all holding various manuals titled things like Twelve Moans of Enlightenment, Thighs of Thunder Technique, and No Hands, Just Qi: A Monk's Forbidden Pleasure.
Each one of them looked at Jin like a starving fox eyeing a roasted spiritual chicken.
"Is this… consensual?" Jin whispered.
"They volunteered," Yushu said. "Each one is here to test your willpower and technique."
Jin stood up straight and cracked his knuckles. "Alright, it's time I showed them why my technique is called Thrust of a Thousand Dreams!"
He dashed into battle.
First came Fairy Lotus, who tried to pin him using the Spider Silk Body Wrap technique. Her Qi ropes wrapped around him sensually, tugging and tightening. Jin responded with Slippery Fish Palm, wriggling out while accidentally face-planting into her chest.
"Points deducted," she giggled, "or maybe added."
Next was Senior Sister Fang, whose specialty was the Thousand Kisses Palm. She assaulted him with flying smooches made of condensed love Qi. Jin used Monk's Chastity Shield, which broke on the second kiss, making him stumble backward into a bath of scented oils—where Twin Spirit Sisters emerged.
"Your trial begins now," they purred, lifting him by his thighs and dragging him underwater.
[Warning: Vital essence being siphoned. Switch to defense immediately!]
Jin used Internal Yin Lockdown, clenching everything spiritual and physical. It was the tightest seal in cultivation history. The sisters coughed and floated up like deflated balloons.
"I think… he choked us… with willpower," one gasped.
Three more women leapt forward.
One wielded a fan made of undergarments that whipped the air with flirtatious attacks.
Another wore nothing but talismans of stimulation and struck him with her Orgasmic Aura Attack.
The third, Elder Mistress Plum, just ran straight at him with open arms shouting "Baby boy!"
Jin spun mid-air, released his Cockroach of Celibacy Dodge Technique, and vanished. He reappeared above, flipped, and dropped between the three, knocking them all out with a burst of cold water from Blue Balls Crying Rainfall, a technique designed to extinguish heat in both body and mind.
Yushu appeared from the shadows, barely able to stand upright from laughter. "Jin, you have survived eight stages. You have faced temptresses, pole dancers, spiritual edging, and more oil than a brothel's backroom. There is but one final test."
Jin glared. "If this last stage involves anything going in my butt, I'm leaving."
"No, no. Stage Nine: Your final challenge is… to resist the one you desire the most."
A soft light filled the room. From it emerged—
Ruoyan.
Except not her usual elegant self.
This Ruoyan wore nothing but a see-through robe embroidered with the words Punish Me, Cultivation Daddy across the chest. Her lips were glossed, her eyes seductive, and her aura screamed one thing: chaos.
Jin's jaw fell so hard it cracked the floor. "You're not real."
"I'm everything you ever wanted, Master Jin," she purred, walking up to him, hips swaying like a pendulum of doom. "Don't you want to discipline your little maid for breaking your bed last night?"
Jin's knees buckled.
Ruoyan moved closer and whispered, "You could show me your cultivation rod... I promise I'll clean it with my mouth technique."
Jin bit down on his sleeve. "You are a test. I know you're fake!"
"Oh, but I feel so real," she said, taking his hand and placing it right between—
He screamed and activated Grandma's Lecture Technique: Final Form. He imagined Aunt Big Toe talking about her spiritual constipation remedies while chewing boiled liver.
He broke the illusion.
The fake Ruoyan vanished in a puff of spicy incense.
Jin collapsed again, gasping. "I swear if there's a secret tenth stage…"
Yushu landed beside him, crouched, and tapped his forehead.
"You passed all nine stages, Jin. Congratulations. You have conquered your lust, resisted seduction, and... maybe invented a few new positions along the way."
"Did I win anything?" he wheezed.
Yushu smiled. "Yes. You've now qualified to enter the Legendary Dual Cultivation Tournament of the Nine Yin Valley."
Jin stared at her. "Are you telling me this was all qualifiers?!"
"Mm-hmm."
He passed out.
Naked.
With spiritual oil dripping from every orifice.