Jin was not okay.
He was lying shirtless on a jade massage table, covered in oils, fruit slices, and the half-melted remains of a spiritual popsicle that Fairy Ling had tried to use to "cool his meridians." He had been through a lot. Fistfights with bodybuilders. Slaps that echoed across mountain ranges. Cultivation sessions that turned into accidental pillow fights. And now, this.
The inner sect had invited him to a "Yin-Yang Harmony Synchronization Retreat," which sounded innocent—until he walked into a hot spring and saw seven barely dressed cultivator women doing synchronized stretching over a boiling pool of aphrodisiac lotus wine.
"System," he whispered, eyes wide, "are we in heaven, or is this one of those weird trials that tests my willpower through spiritual edging?"
[Ding! This is not a trial. You have entered the 'Heavenly Yin-Yang Orgy Formation.' Caution: Prolonged exposure may result in spiritual exhaustion, loss of pants, and unexpected marriage proposals.]
"Ah. So Tuesday," Jin muttered.
Ruoyan was already there, sitting on a floating petal throne, sipping from a jade cup and eyeing him with that mix of fondness and murder she had perfected. "Jin, behave yourself. This formation requires balance."
Fairy Ling twirled in with her usual boob-jiggling grace, robes that could barely qualify as fabric flapping in the breeze. "Oh please, let him misbehave. That's when the fun starts."
"You mean chaos?" Ruoyan snapped.
"I mean orgas—organization!" Ling winked.
Jin choked on a grape.
The retreat was being held by none other than Sect Mistress Xiang—the ancient, busty, seductive matron of the Moon Blossom Sect, who had once slapped an Elder so hard during dual cultivation, his soul left his body and enrolled in monkhood.
She stood tall, curves wrapped in silk, voice like midnight wine. "Welcome, disciples and degenerates. Tonight, the Yin-Yang Orgy Formation shall be activated to harmonize our energies. Those who fail… will be too sore to walk for three days."
Jin raised his hand. "Quick question. What exactly harmonizes here?"
"Your Qi," she said, smirking. "And your hips. Now disrobe, synchronize breathing, and get into pairs. We're going full tantric today."
Fairy Ling immediately locked arms with Jin. "Mine."
Ruoyan elbowed her. "We're supposed to rotate partners!"
"Then I call dibs on all rotations!"
"Ladies!" Jin yelped. "I have only one pelvis!"
"We'll see how long that lasts," muttered Sect Mistress Xiang with a glint.
Just then, System chimed in again.
[Ding! New Quest: Survive the Yin-Yang Formation. Rewards: +10 Stamina, +1 Legendary Technique, and one signed waiver from Fairy Ling absolving her of pelvic destruction.]
"Oh sweet merciful dragon gods."
The room was now dimly lit, incense clouding the air, a zither playing something that sounded suspiciously like seductive jazz. The disciples had paired up. Jin sat cross-legged, Fairy Ling across from him, legs intertwined, palms pressed together. Their Qi began to pulse in rhythm.
Unfortunately, so did his lower hemisphere.
"You're supposed to focus on breathing," she whispered, inches from his face.
"I am! Yours!"
A surge of Yin energy slammed into him like a sensual tsunami. Fairy Ling giggled. "Oops. Too much?"
"Lady, I just saw my ancestors dancing the cha-cha."
From the side, Ruoyan was paired with a terrified-looking male disciple whose nose was bleeding profusely. She kept snapping at him to stop staring at her boobs and maintain the "Qi spiral." Meanwhile, Jin's Qi spiral had turned into a full-blown vortex of horny chaos.
Sect Mistress Xiang strolled by, examining each pair. "Excellent form… beautiful flow… Oh my heavens, that boy's about to ascend!"
She pointed at Jin, whose body was vibrating like a tuning fork dipped in wine and sin.
"I think I'm achieving Nirvana," he moaned. "Through sheer horny cultivation."
"Quick!" Xiang snapped. "Someone stabilize his essence before he shoots his spiritual seed across the room!"
Too late.
A bright burst of rainbow Qi exploded from Jin's chest—and his pants. The nearest disciple shrieked, "HE'S FIRING HIS DAO!"
It hit the ceiling, carved a heart into the stone, and made three flowers bloom instantly.
The room went silent.
Fairy Ling clapped.
Ruoyan facepalmed.
Sect Mistress Xiang just sighed. "He'll fit right in."
Jin lay sprawled on a floating lotus bed, pupils dilated, essence unstable, and soul slightly vibrating at 69 Hz. A towel covered only about 11% of what needed to be covered, and Fairy Ling sat beside him like a proud coach after her team won by sheer shamelessness.
"System," Jin groaned, "what's the cooldown on climaxing your cultivation?"
[Ding! Cooldown varies depending on stamina, spiritual maturity, and how many times your partner decides to 'accidentally' break rhythm to bump hips.]
"I see. So it's her fault," he said, side-eyeing Ling.
"Don't blame me," she said sweetly. "My Yin pool overflowed. It was your fault for having such a sensitive Dao root."
Ruoyan appeared beside them, dripping wet and fuming, robes slightly disheveled. "And who told you to flood him like a leaky spiritual faucet?!"
"That's called passionate synchronization!"
"That was tantric sabotage!"
Sect Mistress Xiang clapped her hands. "Enough! The Orgy Formation has barely reached 30% activation. You're all acting like hormonal rabbits instead of cultivators!"
"We are hormonal rabbits!" someone yelled from the back.
"I just activated my 'Three-Pulse Thrusting Technique!'" shouted a disciple.
"Help! My dual cultivation partner won't stop stroking my spiritual vein!"
"I didn't sign up for a literal Dao blowout!" cried a female elder as she was carried out by four attendants on a stretcher, fanning her forehead.
Sect Mistress Xiang's face twitched. "Fine. If you're all going to treat this like a spiritual brothel, then let's raise the stakes."
She waved her hand, and the formation on the floor glowed. A large array of swirling pink and gold energy appeared beneath them, humming with sensual energy. The air buzzed.
"Introducing the Advanced Yin-Yang Orgy Formation. Now with suction zones and rotating platforms."
The sect went dead silent.
Jin gulped. "Is that—does that part rotate?"
"Yes. At 33 RPM. Perfect for slow grinding Qi synchronization."
Fairy Ling practically squealed, dragging Jin toward one of the platforms. "Quick, quick! Before someone else steals the spiral!"
Ruoyan groaned. "We're going to die of embarrassment or dehydration."
One by one, disciples climbed onto platforms that began to rotate sensually. Moans and chants filled the air like an R-rated opera. Jin's turn came up again, and Fairy Ling wasted no time. She took her position—legs crossed, back arched, robes fluttering like she was posing for an erotic cultivation magazine cover.
"I feel like I'm about to film a sect-rated porno," Jin muttered.
"You are," said System.
[Ding! Bonus Quest Unlocked: 'Lights, Camera, Cultivation!' Record a performance with peak dual-cultivation technique for +100 charm, +5 notoriety, and one free erotic technique scroll.]
Jin sighed. "This realm is giving me whiplash."
The formation activated, spinning the pair gently as pink light swirled around them. Fairy Ling chanted a sensual mantra while slowly leaning into him, their energy pulsing in rhythm.
"This time," she whispered, "I'll be gentle. Ish."
"Define 'ish.'"
"Somewhere between 'accidental finger slip' and 'I break your Dao and rebuild it in my image.'"
Jin wasn't sure if he was scared or turned on. Maybe both.
The platform intensified. His meridians trembled under her Yin waves. She whispered a forbidden verse into his ear that translated loosely to "come hither, big boy."
At that moment, a new figure entered the hall.
The entire room paused.
She wore white robes with gold embroidery, carried an aura of calm devastation, and had a pair of thighs that could suffocate a golden dragon.
"Who's that?" Jin asked, mesmerized.
Sect Mistress Xiang beamed. "Ah, our surprise guest—Senior Disciple Lan Yue, the Celestial Sword Maiden of the Nine Orgasms Path."
Even System hiccupped.
[Ding! Warning: Target possesses the 'Multi-Climax Cut' sword technique. Direct eye contact may cause spontaneous Dao leakage.]
Lan Yue stepped forward, her every move slow and precise. "I sensed an imbalance in the Yin-Yang harmonics. I came to… correct it."
Fairy Ling's eye twitched. "She's always so dramatic."
Ruoyan crossed her arms. "She once made three sect leaders cry after one round of dual cultivation. Their dicks developed PTSD."
Jin's knees buckled. "Why is everyone in this world trying to destroy my pelvis?"
Because fate, dear boy. Fate and fan service.
Lan Yue glided across the floor, her sword gleaming, her expression unreadable, until she stopped in front of Jin.
"You," she said, voice smooth as velvet. "Your Qi is unstable. Your foundation... surprisingly chaotic. I want to fix it."
Fairy Ling growled. "Back off, Sword Slut! I claimed this one!"
Lan Yue tilted her head. "Then let's share."
The room went wild.
Sect Mistress Xiang threw popcorn into her mouth. "Now this is a retreat."
Jin whimpered. "System. I need to lie down. Forever."
[Ding! Achievement Unlocked: Cultivation Sandwich – You're about to be double-cultivated by two celestial-level partners. May the odds be ever in your… hips.]
Jin was dragged like a squeaky toy between two goddess-tier cultivators who seemed to have made it their mission to thoroughly recalibrate his soul, spine, and possibly his sexual identity. Fairy Ling grinned like a fox who'd just been given access to the henhouse. Lan Yue, cool and collected, was already adjusting her inner Qi flow to match Jin's… whether he liked it or not.
"Are you two going to take me to a private cultivation chamber?" Jin asked, voice trembling from fear, excitement, and the fact that his lower back had started glowing.
Fairy Ling scoffed. "Private? Oh no, we're going advanced open sect display mode now."
Jin blinked. "That's a thing?"
"Oh yes," Lan Yue said as she pulled a silk ribbon from her hair and used it to bind her sword—which she then placed neatly beside the bed. "Witness cultivation amplifies both shame and spirit resonance."
Fairy Ling started laying down plush cushions with the skill of a sensual interior decorator. "Also, we charge admission."
"Admission!?"
Fairy Ling winked. "Ten spirit stones to watch, twenty to touch. Fifty if they want to try holding your leg mid-breakthrough."
Lan Yue sat beside Jin, crossed her legs, and pressed her palm against his chest, her touch like cold water poured over fire. "Stop panicking. Breathe in. Visualize your meridian gates opening."
"I can't visualize anything with both of you grabbing my—!"
Fairy Ling casually reached over and adjusted his pants. "There. Now your Yang channel has breathing room."
System buzzed.
[Ding! Yin-Yang Triple-Link Formation Engaged. Caution: You are currently the 'core conductor' in a high-risk cultivation threeway.]
[Ding! Passive Technique Acquired: "Pelvic of Steel" – Your hips are now immune to fracture due to excessive friction. Congratulations!]
As the energy began to swirl in synchronized pulses between the trio, the spiritual pressure in the room thickened. Cultivators stopped moaning mid-thrust just to stare. Someone dropped their Dual Cauldron Technique scroll from sheer awe.
"Holy shit," a disciple whispered. "They've initiated the Trinity Cycle."
Another nodded gravely. "And he's still conscious. This man's Dao root is made of adamantium."
A pair of twin sisters fainted mid-kiss from the secondhand sexual Qi wave.
Ruoyan, now sitting in the corner with a gourd of wine, just sighed and shook her head. "He's going to become a legend. Either that, or a cautionary tale told in soft moans and therapy circles."
Meanwhile, Lan Yue pressed her forehead to Jin's. Her breathing slowed. Fairy Ling mirrored the motion. The three cultivators formed a perfect triangle of energy, flowing in rhythmic pulses of pink and gold light. With each breath, Jin felt a wave of blissful pressure cycle through his lower dantian, up to his heart, and then blast back down like a rollercoaster of ecstasy powered by dirty fantasies and high-level Taoist mantras.
Fairy Ling whispered into his ear, "Don't hold back. Let go. Moan if you need to."
"I can't moan," Jin grunted, teeth clenched. "If I moan, my ancestors will hear it."
Lan Yue softly kissed his cheek. "Then let them hear how far their bloodline has come."
Somewhere in the Heavenly Spirit Realm, Jin's dead great-grandfather turned to look at a scroll depicting his lineage and went, "What in the unholy donkey-fucking sect is my descendant doing?!"
Back on the earthly plane, the formation erupted with light.
The sect went silent.
Then came the sound.
A moan so pure, so vibrant, so spiritually rich that the mountain itself echoed back: "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH~!"
Three sect goats fainted. Four elder disciples immediately broke through a minor bottleneck just from hearing it. The Yin-Yang Formation glowed a deep crimson, rotated once counterclockwise, and exploded in a shower of gold sparks and inexplicably scented rose petals.
Jin collapsed into a pile of silky pillows, eyes glazed, a blissful smile on his face. Fairy Ling looked smug. Lan Yue looked serene. Jin looked like he had spiritually ejaculated all 10,000 years of karmic frustration.
Sect Mistress Xiang cleared her throat. "Well. That concludes our practical demonstration of the Orgy Formation."
The audience burst into applause, many still buckling belts or helping their cultivation partners off the floor.
"Senior Brother Jin," she continued, "you have demonstrated valor, flexibility, and a frankly terrifying ability to withstand female-led spiritual domination. For that, I officially grant you the title of 'Heavenly Dual Root Patriarch.'"
[Ding! Title Unlocked: "Heavenly Dual Root Patriarch." All Yin-aligned cultivators will be drawn to you like bees to a divine peach.]
Fairy Ling patted his cheek. "You hear that? You're royalty now."
Lan Yue kissed his forehead. "And now you belong to us."
Ruoyan walked over and handed him a bottle of cooling elixir. "Don't worry. You'll grow into the title. Assuming your hips still function tomorrow."
Jin groaned. "I just wanted a nap."
"No naps!" Sect Mistress Xiang called. "There's still the Midnight Reverse Cauldron Ritual!"
Jin screamed into a pillow.