Jin woke up face-down in a bed of suspiciously damp moss with two things throbbing—his head and… well, the other thing was technically his own fault. Apparently, System-activated "Dream Realm Dual Cultivation" with Fairy Ling had very real consequences. Like dehydration. And groin cramps.
"Ughhh, why is my dantian sore?" he groaned.
[Ding! You overstimulated your inner Yin Vein with the 'Twist and Shout' combo. Congratulations on unlocking a new passive skill: Pelvic Resilience +3.]
"I hate how specific that is."
Jin sat up and realized he was still in the Mystic Trial Grounds, surrounded by broken formation stones, collapsed pagodas, and one very embarrassed tree spirit pretending not to watch him change. He glanced around. No enemies, no traps, no plot twists yet. Good.
Except the sky was pink.
And moaning.
"Uh… System?"
[Ding! Welcome to the next floor of the Trial Grounds: The Pink Pavilion of Perilous Pleasures.]
"Oh come on!"
He turned and saw it—an enormous pleasure palace floating mid-air on cloud-pillows shaped like boobs. Every tower looked like a suggestive metaphor, and the entrance was a heart-shaped portal pulsing gently.
From somewhere, a sensual flute played a tune that sounded like an innuendo.
"I'm either in a horny nightmare or Fairy Ling wrote this chapter," Jin muttered.
Ruoyan and Fairy Ling appeared beside him, both somehow now wearing outfits one string away from total collapse.
"Is it just me or is this place… arousing?" Ruoyan asked, crossing her legs twice.
"It's not just you," Jin said, eye twitching.
"I think we've entered the Trial of Lust," Fairy Ling said, sniffing the air like a horny fox. "Oh yes. This realm is testing your self-control, Jin…"
"I don't have self-control."
"Exactly," both women said in unison.
At that moment, the air shimmered, and out floated the guardian of the realm—a voluptuous beauty with nine tails, two tails too many, and one see-through robe too few.
"Welcome, challenger," she purred, voice like silk dipped in sin. "I am Mistress Yao, guardian of the Pavilion. You must overcome three trials to pass… or succumb to eternal plowing… I mean, pleasure."
Fairy Ling leaned over. "She's level 99 in Seduction."
Ruoyan narrowed her eyes. "We kill her first."
Mistress Yao floated closer. "Your first trial: The Pole of Judgment."
"What," Jin said.
With a flick of her wrist, a divine stripper pole descended from the heavens, glowing with spiritual light. Engraved on it were the words: Only those with true rhythm and shame resistance may ascend.
"You must pole-dance your way up to enlightenment," Yao said seriously. "Fall, and you fail."
Fairy Ling gasped. "This is it. Your moment. Your destiny!"
Jin looked up at the divine pole, then down at his pants. "System, do I even have moves?"
[Ding! Activating: Forbidden Technique – Bootyquake of the Buddha.]
"Oh hell."
He stepped up to the pole. The crowd of onlookers—mostly illusionary cultivator spirits, plus Elder Wu peeking from a bush with a notebook—held their breath.
Jin gripped the pole.
He spun.
He twerked.
He ascended with a series of booty-enhanced chakra spirals so powerful they summoned lightning shaped like fishnets.
"OHHHHH!" roared the spirits.
A legendary ancient sword spirit combusted from nosebleed.
Mistress Yao bit her finger. "Impossible… he's awakening the ancient art of the Celestial Pimp!"
As Jin neared the top of the pole, a final challenge appeared: an ethereal lapdance spirit, level ???.
"Fight me, mortal," it whispered.
Jin narrowed his eyes. "Prepare to get danced on."
[Activating: Thrust of Heaven + Lapquake Lotus Combo!]
There was a flash of pink. Moans. Petals. A confused hawk flying backward.
When the light cleared, Jin stood atop the pole, hair blown back, shirt torn, pants mysteriously tighter.
He pointed at Mistress Yao. "Next trial."
She clapped, cheeks red. "You've passed. Somehow."
Ruoyan muttered, "I think I'm pregnant from watching that."
Fairy Ling was writing Pole-Dancing Immortal Sutra: Volume 1.
[Ding! You have acquired: Title – Celestial Pimp. Passive Aura: 10% more attractive to all genders. Warning: Side effects may include spontaneous booty grabbing.]
Jin sighed. "I miss when cultivation involved punching things."
He had no idea it was about to get weirder.
Having survived the divine pole-dancing segment with his pride mostly intact—and only a minor groin sprain—Jin stepped into the next chamber of the Pavilion of Perilous Pleasures.
Before him stood an open space bathed in candlelight and pheromones. A giant scroll hovered in the air with glittering words:
TRIAL TWO: THE ORAL EXAM.
"…Please tell me this is a debate," Jin muttered.
Mistress Yao floated down again, this time in a skimpier outfit made of what looked suspiciously like whipped cream and regret. "Nope," she said with a seductive giggle. "This is a test of your ability to speak sweet nothings, resist temptations, and maintain mental clarity under… oral pressure."
Fairy Ling leaned against him. "You're doomed."
Ruoyan patted his back solemnly. "It was a good run."
"Bring it on," Jin said, puffing his chest. "I've read plenty of romance manhua. How hard can it be?"
Moments later, he was strapped into a chair made of thigh-shaped cushions. A series of vixens appeared before him—each one more scantily dressed, more seductive, and more creatively positioned than the last.
The first one purred, "Tell me I'm the only one, handsome…"
Jin squinted. "Of course. You're the only… woman here whose outfit defies Newtonian physics."
She blinked. "I… what?"
[BEEP! +1 Wit Point.]
The second leaned in, licking her lips. "What would you do if I sat on your face?"
"I'd die. Happily. And probably with a broken neck."
[BEEP! +2 Cheeky Honesty.]
The third vixen straddled the air in a way that bent reality and decency laws. "Describe your perfect night."
"Easy. Hot bath. Dim lighting. A comfy robe. And a pizza delivery girl who looks just like you… but comes with garlic bread."
[BEEP! +1 Seductive Banter.]
"You're actually passing this," Fairy Ling whispered in awe.
Mistress Yao, visibly sweating, growled. "Let's increase the difficulty."
With a snap, the vixens fused into a mega-bombshell. She sauntered up, looked Jin in the eyes, and whispered, "I can be anything you want. Just say it."
Jin stared at her for two long seconds… then said, "A tax consultant."
She froze. "What?"
"I want you to explain my spiritual income deductions for the last three quarters."
Fairy Ling fell over laughing. Ruoyan wheezed.
[BEEP! +50 Resistance to Seduction. Achievement unlocked: Horny But Responsible.]
Mistress Yao palmed her face. "You… you are truly disgusting."
"Thanks. It's a gift," Jin replied proudly.
Suddenly, the room shook. A voice boomed from above.
"FINAL TRIAL INITIATED: TEST OF STAMINA!"
"Oh no," Jin said.
"Oh YES," Fairy Ling grinned.
A massive heart-shaped arena emerged from the floor, bedazzled with sparkles and innuendo. The words Battle Royale: Pillow Fight Edition flashed in the air.
Standing on the opposite end: a hundred scantily clad cultivator illusions wielding fluffy but suspiciously dangerous pillows. Each one had names like Maiden of the Moist Lotus, Nipple Thunder Sage, and Thighslayer of the Ninth Heaven.
"Your challenge," Mistress Yao said breathlessly, "is to last… ten minutes."
"System," Jin muttered, "I need a miracle."
[Ding! Activating secret technique: Thrusting Tempest Footwork + Pillow-Dodging Passive + Aura of Handsome Distraction.]
Jin's eyes gleamed. "Time to get fluffy."
The match began.
Pillows rained down like meteor strikes. Jin ducked, rolled, counter-thrusted, and even did a triple backflip into a sensual body pillow just to absorb a critical hit. At one point, he rode a giant pillow like a hoverboard, dodging attacks with pelvic thrusts that summoned shockwaves.
Ruoyan and Fairy Ling began cheering. "Use the Swivel!" "Counter with Cuddle Grip!"
One cultivator illusion tried to land a sneak attack, but Jin disarmed her with a sultry wink and a well-timed compliment about her eyebrows.
Another came at him with a lethal leg lock—Jin spun midair, grabbed a passing feather, and tickled her into submission.
It was chaos. Feathers everywhere. Moaning. Occasional fanservice flashes so fast they would make a sect elder's monocle explode.
And through it all, Jin danced.
No.
He dominated.
By the ninth minute, Jin was shirtless, oiled up (don't ask how), and standing atop a mountain of defeated pillow warriors.
The timer dinged.
Mistress Yao landed before him, breathless. "You… you passed all three trials."
"Does this mean I get the reward?" he asked, grinning.
She nodded, blushing. "Yes… you have earned the Sacred Lube of Limitless Lubrication."
Jin blinked. "The what."
Ruoyan whispered, "That's a divine-tier dual cultivation treasure."
Fairy Ling grinned. "Use it wisely. Or recklessly. Either works."
[Ding! Acquired Divine Item: Sacred Lube of Limitless Lubrication. Increases compatibility with all dual cultivation partners. Warning: May cause flooding.]
Jin accepted it solemnly. "I shall wield this with honor."
Then slipped it into his robe like a pervert.
With the Sacred Lube of Limitless Lubrication now safely tucked into a spatial pouch (after he dropped it twice—yes, it was slippery), Jin strutted out of the Pavilion of Perilous Pleasures looking like a man who had conquered sin itself.
His robes were half-burned, his hair stuck up like he'd been electrocuted, and his grin radiated unearned confidence and raw lust.
Ruoyan walked beside him, arms crossed and expression tight. "You were in there for five hours."
Fairy Ling peeked over his shoulder. "And the 'Pillow Mountain of Maiden Defeat' is still steaming. What did you do?"
"I brought honor to our sect," Jin said solemnly. "And also dishonor. And then honor again. It's complicated."
[Ding! Quest Complete: Pleasure Pavilion Purge. Reward: +20 Charisma, +1 Libido Mastery, New Title unlocked: Pole Saint of the Fifth Realm.]
Ruoyan sighed. "You need a cold bath. Maybe five."
Fairy Ling elbowed her. "Jealous?"
Ruoyan's eyebrow twitched. "Not of a man who tried to flirt with an illusion shaped like a body pillow."
"I thought it was sentient!" Jin protested.
"Sure you did."
Just as they stepped into the open again, a loud BOOM cracked across the sky. A crimson light exploded above them as a massive sigil appeared, pulsing with demonic energy.
Then came the voice—deep, dark, and full of unnecessary bass boost:
"ATTENTION MORTALS! THE BLOOD ORGY SECT DECLARES WAR ON THE FLOWER BLOOMING SECT! ALSO, WE'RE HOSTING A MIDNIGHT RAVE. BYOB—BRING YOUR OWN BONES."
Jin froze. "The Blood Orgy Sect?"
Ruoyan groaned. "Not them again. Every few years they do this. It's less of a war declaration, more of a slutty open mic night with murder."
Fairy Ling shrugged. "Last time, they summoned a thousand naked berserkers and a DJ demon who only played moans as music."
Jin's eyes lit up. "Why does this world keep getting better?"
But then the system pinged again.
[Ding! New Quest: Stop the Blood Orgy Cultists Before They Summon the Unholy Dick Dragon.]
He squinted. "Sorry, the what?"
[Yes. The Unholy Dick Dragon. A demonic dragon formed entirely of lustful resentment and performance anxiety.]
"Oh, so just like my ex," Jin said without thinking.
Ruoyan choked. Fairy Ling actually wheezed.
Jin clicked on the quest info and saw the rewards: 50,000 EXP, 3 orgasmic techniques, and a mysterious item called the Throbbing Codex of Nine Yin-Yang Positions.
"I'm in."
Moments later, the trio was flying toward the mountain where the ritual was already beginning.
As they arrived, they saw it.
Dozens of scantily clad cultists dancing around a pulsating altar that looked suspiciously like… well, something phallic. At the center stood their leader: Grandmaster Lubedread, a seven-foot-tall hunk with an open robe, six-pack abs, and a face that screamed "I auditioned for villain but got rejected for being too extra."
He raised his hands. "Brothers! Sisters! Cousins we're legally allowed to marry! Tonight, we summon the D! The Big D! The Dragon of Debauchery!"
Jin looked at Ruoyan and Ling. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
Fairy Ling nodded. "Kill them, steal their treasures, interrupt their ritual, and maybe try on their robes for fashion inspiration?"
"Exactly."
What followed was a ridiculous orgy of violence, butt-slapping, and trash-talking.
Jin charged in, using his new technique Lustful Palm of the Overexcited Monk, which involved slapping enemies in awkward spots until they lost composure.
Fairy Ling summoned her Bouncy Lotus Illusion, distracting enemies by turning into five different seductive versions of herself that taunted the cultists with dirty haiku.
Ruoyan activated Thunderous Spank Heaven Art and began smiting enemies with crackling palm strikes straight to the buttocks, leaving bruises shaped like smiley faces.
The cultists panicked.
"Retreat!"
"No! Keep twerking! The ritual's almost complete!"
Too late.
Jin landed in the center and used the Sacred Lube as a seal, drawing a giant glowing NOPE sigil over the altar.
The ritual sputtered.
The demonic phallus exploded into glitter.
The ground moaned, then sighed in relief.
And somewhere in the distance, the Unholy Dick Dragon groaned, "Bro… not again…"
Everything fell silent.
The cultists groaned in defeat. Grandmaster Lubedread collapsed, sobbing into his cleavage.
Jin approached him. "You messed with the wrong pervert."
Then slapped him into unconsciousness.
[Ding! Quest Complete! Reward Acquired: Throbbing Codex of Nine Yin-Yang Positions.]
Jin held it up.
It vibrated in his hand. Moaned. Then winked.
He screamed and dropped it.
Fairy Ling snatched it. "I'm keeping this."
Ruoyan rolled her eyes. "You can't even read half the positions."
"I don't have to. I'm flexible."
They began arguing.
Jin, meanwhile, looked up at the stars, exhausted and satisfied.
Another day, another chaotic victory.
And probably another lawsuit from the Bureau of Cultivator Decency.