Jin was having the weirdest morning of his reincarnated life. And that included the time he'd accidentally cultivated while sitting on a vibrating spiritual peach that caused a minor earthquake in the Outer Sect latrines.
He was now dangling upside down from a floating bamboo pole in the middle of Sect Master Yu's private bamboo sauna, with only a jade leaf barely covering his dignity. Below him sat four robed elders, each sipping spiritual tea and trying not to stare at his elixir furnace.
"Can someone explain why I'm naked and trussed up like a spirit chicken?" Jin asked, wiggling his toes.
"Discipline," Elder Wu said, licking his lips far too sensually. "And because Sect Master Yu said he wanted to see the 'System Cultivator' hang loose."
"I said hang tough, you senile pervert," Sect Master Yu grunted from behind a jade curtain. "But this works too."
Jin rolled his eyes. "If this is punishment, at least tickle my inner thighs a little—give me something to remember."
Fairy Ling appeared out of nowhere, slapping him on the forehead with a scroll. "Shut up before they turn you into a eunuch."
"Joke's on them—I've got insurance on my meat pillar," Jin muttered. "Ten spirit stones a month. Covers trauma, poison, and unexpected sword injuries."
Ruoyan stomped in, dressed in full battle robes, cleavage both distracting and intimidating. "Let him down before I break every spiritual vein in this room."
"Ah, young love," Sect Master Yu sighed. "Reminds me of my third wife. She also threatened to murder me during foreplay."
"I'm not in love," Ruoyan said stiffly, though her burning ears told another story. "I just hate seeing someone that dumb die too quickly."
"Wow," Jin said. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. I'm blushing. Though that might just be the blood rushing to my forehead because I'm upside down and naked!"
With an irritated flick of her hand, Ruoyan slashed the rope binding him. Jin landed face-first into the steaming bamboo floor.
"Graceful," Fairy Ling deadpanned. "Like a turtle dry-humping a hot pan."
Jin stood, covering himself with the now slightly damp leaf. "So, what's the reason for this delightful session of public nudity and light bondage?"
Sect Master Yu coughed into his teacup. "The Divine Goat Sect has accused you of defiling their Sacred Jade Milker."
"…Their what now?"
Elder Wu explained solemnly, "A statue of their sect founder—a topless goat-woman holding twin buckets of milk. It's their holy relic."
"I didn't do that!"
A glowing orb floated into the room, projecting a magical replay.
It was Jin. Drunk on peach wine. Humping the statue while yelling, "I MILK THEE FOR ENLIGHTENMENT!"
"Okay… maybe I did," Jin muttered. "But in my defense, I thought it was a weird sculpture at a themed brothel."
Ruoyan groaned. "You can't keep putting your hands on sacred relics!"
Fairy Ling snorted. "He doesn't just touch them. He mounts them like they're cultivation partners."
Jin raised a finger. "Only if they have nice curves."
"You're banned from the Divine Goat Sect for life," Sect Master Yu said. "And possibly reincarnation too."
"Fair enough."
"But more urgently," Yu continued, "we've received word that the Spirit Grotto of Sensual Enlightenment has opened."
Jin blinked. "That's not a dungeon. That's a porn title."
Ruoyan nodded grimly. "It's real. And it only opens every thousand years."
"Inside lies the legendary 'G-Spot of Enlightenment,'" Fairy Ling added.
Jin stared at her. "You're telling me the universe actually has a G-Spot? Like… a cultivation-based pleasure point?"
"Correct. It is said those who find it reach instant spiritual climax—er, I mean, ascension."
Jin leaned forward. "I volunteer. I have years of… ahem 'manual training' for this exact moment."
Sect Master Yu clapped. "Excellent. You'll go with a team. But beware, many have entered, few have returned. Some came back with smiles. Some… never walked the same again."
"And I assume it's full of deadly traps, lewd monsters, and vaguely erotic puzzles?" Jin asked.
"Yes," Fairy Ling said. "And probably slimes. There are always slimes."
Ruoyan gave him a glare. "Don't you dare try to bang a slime."
Jin crossed his heart. "Only if it's over 10,000 years old and consents with a spiritual contract."
The team would leave at sunrise.
Jin went to pack.
He brought three things: a fresh robe, a flask of fortified peach wine, and a scroll titled How to Find Her G-Spot – A Scholarly Cultivator's Guide.
He was ready.
The next morning, Jin stood heroically at the edge of the Spirit Grotto of Sensual Enlightenment, flanked by his usual chaos crew: Ruoyan the aggressive tsundere cultivator, Fairy Ling the sly and slightly horny spiritual guide, and a new addition—Dong Fei, a blindfolded monk who claimed to have once felt the G-Spot… but couldn't find it again after breaking up with it.
"Why is he blindfolded?" Jin whispered.
"Because every time he opens his eyes, the walls start moaning," Ruoyan whispered back. "He cultivated the Eyes of Arousal. It's… complicated."
Dong Fei chuckled. "I see everything, even through darkness. Especially through robes. Especially yours, Lady Ruoyan."
She immediately punched him so hard he exploded into smoke and reformed five feet away, doing finger hearts.
Fairy Ling clapped her hands. "Okay, kids. Inside this divine grotto, the laws of cultivation bend. Literally. Like yoga instructors with flexible Qi meridians. Don't touch anything shaped like genitals, no matter how much it giggles. And do NOT say the word 'moist' three times in a row. That's how the Moisture Demon Queen was summoned last time."
Jin blinked. "That's oddly specific."
"Learned it the hard way," she muttered darkly, adjusting her bra.
They entered.
The inside was... moist. Glistening pink cave walls pulsed with spiritual light. Every step was met with the shlick-shlick of footfalls on slippery ground. The air was thick with pheromones and incense. In the distance, someone was playing a guqin with suspiciously sensual strumming.
"Okay, I'm starting to understand why no one returns sane from this place," Jin said.
A statue greeted them—a twenty-foot-tall marble woman with enormous... personality. She held two glowing orbs, and between her legs was a tunnel shaped like a sacred lotus. Above it, in golden script: Only Those Who Pleasured the Dao May Enter.
Ruoyan squinted. "What the hell does that even mean?"
Dong Fei stepped forward. "It means... foreplay."
Jin raised a brow. "You're kidding."
Fairy Ling pointed to a pedestal. "Nope. Look. It's a trial. To open the gate, one must channel Qi into these pressure points with precision and rhythm."
Jin looked at the marble busts. "So... we're literally massaging spiritual boobs to open the door?"
Dong Fei cracked his knuckles. "Step aside. I have thirty years of tantric cultivation."
Ruoyan gagged. "I'm not watching this."
Unfortunately, the statue moaned with every correct press. Every swirl of Qi made the tunnel glow brighter. Jin watched as Dong Fei channeled gentle Qi strokes, muttering poetic lines like, "Ride the Jade Dragon gently, make the heavens bloom…"
Finally, the statue arched, releasing a wave of pink mist.
The lotus tunnel opened with an audible schlorp.
"…Okay, that was both the weirdest and the hottest dungeon door I've ever seen," Jin admitted, taking a swig of wine.
They moved on, deeper into the Grotto.
The next chamber featured floating platforms and sensual illusions. Jin saw three versions of Fairy Ling dancing in see-through silks, each one whispering things like:
"Touch me, and I'll raise your cultivation level… and your heart rate."
He turned to Ling. "Are these illusions?"
She narrowed her eyes. "Maybe. Or maybe I'm messing with you."
One of the illusions slapped his butt and vanished into glitter.
"...I liked that one," he said wistfully.
Ruoyan growled. "If you get seduced by another fake fairy, I'm slapping your cultivation root into your throat."
"Don't threaten me with a good time," Jin grinned.
Dong Fei was already doing backflips over the floating platforms. "The trick is to ignore the pleasure and focus on balance!"
"Balance?!" Jin shouted as the floor beneath him turned into a sensual jellyfish that slapped his thigh. "I'm trying not to get groped by hentai noodles!"
They reached the second gate, guarded by a seductive fox spirit illusion. She was naked, except for strategically placed clouds and a fan.
"Answer my riddle," she purred. "Or I will bind you in silky threads for eternity."
"Been there, done that," Jin muttered.
She smiled. "What is stiff when you need it, soft when you don't, and causes regret when it disappears too soon?"
Dong Fei whispered, "Pride?"
Ruoyan blushed. "Confidence?"
Fairy Ling muttered, "Youth."
Jin boldly said, "An erection."
DING! The gate opened. The fox spirit winked. "Correct."
The others stared at him.
Jin shrugged. "What? It's a cultivation truth."
"Only you," Ruoyan muttered.
As they stepped through the gate, the path led to a heart-shaped pool of spiritual water. A sign read: Soak to harmonize Yin and Yang. Clothing optional. No lifeguard on duty. No excessive moaning.
Jin had already stripped before anyone finished reading.
"You didn't even wait—" Fairy Ling started.
"I live for these moments," Jin said, diving in like a dolphin.
Ruoyan looked torn between drowning him and joining. She settled for removing just her boots and sitting at the edge.
Fairy Ling slid in with a smirk. "Don't peek."
"Too late," Jin winked.
The water shimmered, and suddenly, spiritual energy exploded around them.
A massive stone tablet rose from the center of the pool.
Etched into it: To Reach the G-Spot of Enlightenment, One Must Pass the Final Trial—The Pleasure Maze of Endless Temptation.
Jin's eyes sparkled. "I was born for this. My system better have a perverted buff ready."
Ding!
[Activating New Skill: Sensual Step – Become immune to lust illusions by embracing them. Warning: Side effects include overconfidence, accidental marriage, and spontaneous nudity.]
"I accept all consequences!" Jin declared, charging into the portal with the energy of a man who once humped a statue for fun.
Jin burst into the Pleasure Maze of Endless Temptation like a man chasing a legendary orgasm.
Inside, the walls shifted—pink, pulsating, and moist like the inside of a spiritual peach. It smelled faintly of cherry blossom and regret. The air shimmered with illusionary temptresses, each one whispering seductive nothings, offering warmth, cultivation pills, or very illegal "dual-cultivation coupons."
A voice echoed through the maze: "Only the worthy may find the G-Spot of Enlightenment. You must endure pleasure… without exploding."
Jin blinked. "Wait, what kind of exploding are we talking about—"
A tentacle wrapped around his thigh. He spun and sliced it with his sword. Behind it was an illusion of a cultivator nun reading from the Scriptures of Sensual Salvation, her robes opening with every verse.
"Okay, this place is insane."
Fairy Ling and Ruoyan stumbled in behind him, already swatting away flying bras and illusionary buttocks. Dong Fei calmly walked barefoot over a sensual lava river, meditating while multiple illusory concubines rubbed his shoulders and thighs.
"How are you not distracted?!" Jin asked.
Dong Fei opened one eye. "My entire clan was wiped out by a harem cult. I trained for decades to resist—"
"Wait, what kind of cult?"
"The Thrusting Heaven Sect. Their ultimate technique was 'One Stroke to Break the Sky.' It broke my back. I survived."
Jin gawked. "Dude. That's too much backstory for a comedy dungeon!"
Ruoyan suddenly shrieked, spinning with a flaming slap. "An illusion kissed my elbow! Who kisses elbows?!"
Fairy Ling was calmly side-stepping striptease shadows. "They target your spiritual weak points. Elbows, knees, earlobes, soul-nipples…"
"Soul-nipples?!"
"They appear during Core Formation. Didn't you read the manual?"
"I threw mine away after page six because it smelled like peaches and STDs!"
They reached the center of the maze, where a glowing pedestal pulsed with climax-level spiritual pressure.
Upon it sat the Manual of the G-Spot of Enlightenment—an ancient jade scroll vibrating with power. Around it, illusionary beauties in divine lingerie circled in dance.
But the real threat stood behind it.
A woman dressed in sheer, white robes, her silver hair cascading like moonlight over her curves. Her aura screamed "Final Boss," but her voice cooed like a dominatrix.
"I am Yin Xuelan, Guardian of the G-Spot. You must face me… or fail forever."
Jin squinted. "You're real, aren't you?"
She smiled, drawing a whip made of condensed moans. "Very."
Ruoyan drew her sword. "Let's fight!"
Fairy Ling raised a brow. "You sure you're not into this?"
"I'll fight feelings later, okay?!"
Yin Xuelan pointed at Jin. "You, with the unrefined rod of destiny. You've stirred the Qi of chaos. You must be tested."
"Tested how?" he gulped.
She licked her lips. "Dual-cultivation combat. Whoever moans first… loses."
Jin blinked. "Is this legal?"
Dong Fei bowed. "It is in the Southern Yin Province. I once judged a match."
With no way out, Jin agreed.
They stepped into a floating heart-shaped arena.
Yin Xuelan's clothes dissolved into sparkly mist.
Jin panicked. "System, activate Literally Anything That Helps Me Not Moan In 3 Seconds!"
Ding!
[New Passive Skill: "Cold Showers of the Soul" activated. Libido temporarily reduced by 69%.]
[Warning: May cause spontaneous nosebleeds, emotional detachment, and attraction to inanimate objects.]
Yin Xuelan struck first—swaying her hips, sending waves of Yin Qi that rippled like seductive tsunamis. Jin countered by channeling his Qi into a technique he just made up on the spot:
"Buddha's Disappointed Hand!"
He slapped the air. A massive palm appeared and slapped her… respectfully.
The arena shivered.
Yin Xuelan bit her lip. "Interesting… I'll respond with The Lotus Clamp!"
Jin jumped back as glowing legs formed around him, attempting to squeeze his very soul.
He retaliated with: "Crimson Rooster Pecking the Heavens!"
He made a finger jab motion.
Everyone outside the arena gasped.
Ruoyan: "Did… did he just poke her in the Qi?"
Fairy Ling: "With his finger?"
Dong Fei: "A bold move. Disrespectful. Effective."
The duel intensified. Moans echoed. Lightning sparked. Yin and Yang energies clashed so violently that nearby butterflies evolved into phoenixes and exploded.
Finally, Jin activated his last gambit: "System, use Ultra Stroke Technique: Thousand-Year Thrust of Enlightenment!"
A beam of light shot from his hand, striking her in the chest.
Yin Xuelan gasped. "You found… my weakness… the Forbidden Acu-point…"
She exploded into light and incense, whispering as she vanished, "Congratulations… you reached the G-Spot…"
The scroll unsealed.
[You have obtained: Manual of the G-Spot of Enlightenment. Passive Boost: All Dual-Cultivation Attempts +69% Success.]
[New Title: Cultivator of Climactic Comprehension.]
[New Passive: Aura of Satisfied Women – Nearby females experience mild euphoria and spontaneous attraction.]
Fairy Ling clapped sarcastically. "Well, congratulations, you horny protagonist. You saved the dungeon by sexually out-dueling a spiritual dominatrix."
Ruoyan slapped his back. "We're gonna be hearing about this in every tavern for the next century."
Dong Fei bowed solemnly. "You have truly achieved the Dao… of Thrust."
Jin grinned, holding the scroll like it was his baby. "And this, my friends, is why you never skip foreplay… even in cultivation."
The group left the grotto, unaware that far above, a shadowy figure watched from the clouds.
"She's awakened the G-Spot… It's begun."
Another voice replied, "Shall we alert the Heavenly Panty Bureau?"
"Not yet. Let him grow. Let the climax… build."
Cue lightning.
Cue ominous giggle.