Jin found himself standing at the edge of a massive pavilion shaped like a giant peach. No metaphor here—it was literally a stone-carved peach with two suspiciously perky hemispheres, each polished smoother than Ruoyan's thighs after a spiritual milk bath.
Above the gates hung a gilded sign:
"Annual Cultivator Conference & Erotic Alchemy Exhibition"
"Did… did that say erotic alchemy?" Jin whispered, his eyebrow twitching like it was being tickled by fate.
Fairy Ling, beside him in an outfit so sheer even mist would blush, nodded. "Of course. Every major sect sends their finest. Cultivation, martial arts, and, uh… 'alternative pill insertion techniques' are all demonstrated."
Ruoyan scoffed. "Just a bunch of perverts pretending to be sages."
Fairy Ling smiled. "Says the woman who invented the Plum Blossom Position that broke three foundation cultivators' hips last winter."
"I warned them not to skip warmups."
Jin coughed. "Ahem, ladies, please—less hip-shattering, more information. What are we doing here?"
Ling gestured grandly. "You've been nominated by the sect's seniors to represent us at the Cultivation Debate and Technique Showcase. This is where new names are made... or deeply humiliated. You're basically walking into the tiger's butt."
Jin's eyes narrowed. "That sounds like a trap."
"Everything in cultivation is a trap," Ruoyan said with a smirk. "Especially bras."
Jin choked.
Inside the peach palace, chaos ruled. Cultivators from all over the realm gathered, some seated on floating cushions, others levitating mid-air in lotus position while trying to flirt using spiritual voice transmission.
"I see you've awakened your Dual-Yang Meridians," purred one rogue cultivator to a busty elder nun. "Care to—"
SLAP!
Her fan hit his face hard enough to break the sound barrier.
Jin's jaw dropped. "This place is wild…"
He was given a guest pass: a jade token that read 'System Cultivator – Caution: May Cause Spontaneous Laughter' and escorted into the main hall, where competitions were already underway.
A sect called the Five Elements Fondle Sect was currently demonstrating their signature technique, "Earth Grabs Heaven." It involved manipulating the terrain to grope enemies from below.
"Is that… a rock hand going for the crotch?" Jin squinted.
Fairy Ling nodded. "Yes. They call it the Seismic Grope. Effective and awkward."
Ruoyan nudged him. "Get ready. You're next."
Jin stepped up to the stage. Across from him stood his opponent—a man in a black robe with glowing green tattoos and two cucumbers strapped to his waist.
"I am Master Gourdzi of the Gourds of Doom Sect! Prepare to taste the wrath of the Forbidden Cucumber Scroll!"
"…I'm sorry, the what now?"
Gourdzi unsheathed one of his cucumbers and twirled it like a sword. "Our techniques are passed down by the ancient Pickle Sage! Our cultivation is all about crunch and thrust!"
Jin was already regretting life.
An elder rang a bell. "Begin!"
Master Gourdzi launched forward, spinning with blinding speed as his cucumbers emitted a screeching whistle. He aimed for Jin's chest with—
"CUCUMBER PIERCING THRUST!"
Jin dodged, barely.
"System! Help!"
[Ding! Activating technique: Pervert's Palm Art – Third Layer: The Divine Twin Squeeze!]
Jin's hands glowed, forming spectral palms that clapped Gourdzi's gourds mid-air with a squish so loud, the hall went silent.
"OHHH!" the crowd gasped.
"MY CUCUMBERS!" screamed Gourdzi, clutching his destroyed gourds.
Jin wiped his brow. "Now that's what I call... vegetable justice."
The referee hesitated, then raised Jin's hand. "Winner: Jin of the System Sect!"
Fairy Ling jumped in excitement. "You did it!"
Ruoyan gave him a thumbs-up. "Not bad. For a pervert."
Jin grinned. "That's Cultivator Pervert to you."
After the cucumber catastrophe, Jin was escorted backstage for interviews with the Cultivation Gossip Pavilion. A flirty reporter in a pink qipao waved her brush and smiled devilishly.
"Jin of the System Sect! That was quite the… juicy match. Tell us, do you always handle vegetables so masterfully?"
Jin blinked. "I, uh, studied under Granny Wong in the 'Nine Palm Vegetable Market' technique...?"
Fairy Ling whispered behind him, "That doesn't exist."
"Shh. It does now."
The reporter leaned in close, giving him a clear view down her soul-cleavage. "Our readers would love to know… is it true your system enhances your performance… in all aspects?"
Jin's system dinged immediately.
[Ding! Activating Passive Aura: 'Rumor Magnetism'. +50% misunderstanding rate.]
He cleared his throat and tried to sound wise. "One's true strength lies in the harmony between spirit and body. Also, stamina pills. Lots of stamina pills."
The crowd clapped.
Back in the arena, new challenges were being announced. This time, it wasn't just duels—it was Technique Exhibitions.
A buxom elder with gray hair but hips that could cause landslides took the stage. "I am Granny Thrust-Whisper of the Yin Essence Pavilion! Today, I shall demonstrate the legendary Yin-Yang Washing Machine Technique!"
Her assistants wheeled out a giant, rotating orb of glowing pink water.
Jin's jaw fell open. "That's a hot tub."
"No," Fairy Ling whispered reverently. "That's the hot tub."
Granny Thrust-Whisper floated above the tub and began to swirl spiritual energy through her hips, creating a vortex. Her moves combined seductive dance, washing machine motion, and pure spiritual insanity.
"Behold!" she cried. "Whirlpool Cycle: Spin of the Nine Orgasms!"
The tub exploded in steam as half the front row fainted from nosebleeds.
Ruoyan snorted. "I hate how impressed I am."
Now it was Jin's turn.
He approached the center, where several sects had gathered, whispering:
"Is that him? The one who ruined Gourdzi's cucumbers?"
"Look at his aura… It's like a cross between a scholar and a bathhouse bouncer."
"I heard he learned techniques from a drunk phoenix and a horny ogre."
Jin cleared his throat. "I'd like to showcase one of my original techniques."
Gasps. Murmurs. A few spiritual panties dropped.
"I call it… The Reverse Dual Cultivation Massage: Technique of Unwilling Enlightenment!"
The stage shifted. A jade bed rose from below. The cultivators collectively leaned forward. A voluptuous dummy appeared, enchanted with protective arrays.
Fairy Ling facepalmed. "No. He didn't…"
"Oh, he did," Ruoyan said, smirking.
Jin began with a slow warming motion. His hands glowed. He channelled essence down his spine and through his palms.
First came the Heavenly Chest Rub.
Then, Two Finger Lotus Bloom.
And finally, the forbidden Lightning Coochie Tickle.
The dummy convulsed. Moaned. Actually moaned. Sparks flew from its joints and a beam of light shot out from its mouth as if it was ascending to Heaven itself.
A nearby elder fell to his knees. "He… he made the dummy break through to Nascent Soul!"
Another wailed. "I've been cultivating for 300 years and my wife still fakes her breakthroughs!"
A monk began chanting with tears in his eyes, "Amitabha, I have seen the Dao... through buttocks."
The arena went wild.
As Jin walked off, his jade token flashed.
[Ding! Congratulations! You've unlocked a new title: "Massage Sage of the Exploding Orgasms." Bonus reputation +420.]
Fairy Ling greeted him with deadpan eyes. "You made the dummy... moan."
"I didn't make it moan. I helped it understand itself."
Ruoyan nodded seriously. "That dummy ascended. I think it's dating a cloud now."
Suddenly, a gong sounded.
"Final challenge of the day!" cried the announcer. "The Cultivation Roast Battle!"
Jin perked up. "Did they say… roast?"
Two cultivators stepped onto a floating platform.
"I'm Sect Leader Pei! And this is my opponent, Li 'Four Inches' Feng!"
Li sneered. "At least I didn't blow up my pills and my pants during dual cultivation with my cousin!"
The crowd OOOH'd.
It was about to get nasty.
Fairy Ling shoved Jin forward. "Go. Represent us."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Roast them into a qi deviation!"
Jin floated up onto the stage and faced his opponents. One was shirtless, covered in tattoos of dragons that looked suspiciously like fat worms.
"Hey, Tattoo Boy," Jin began. "Did your ink master get drunk, or are those dragons just malnourished?"
OHHHHH!
"Your spiritual aura is so weak," Jin continued, "my system thought you were a fart."
OHHHHHHHHHHH!!
"And you," he pointed at the other, "I'd ask who your master is, but clearly, no one would take responsibility for that mess."
The two men qi-shivered in place.
"Last one," Jin said with a bow. "Your mom's Yin Essence was so shallow, even the Cucumber Sect rejected her."
Both cultivators exploded into nosebleeds and passed out.
Referee: "WINNER!"
The crowd was chanting his name.
"JIN! JIN! JIN!"
He waved, then whispered to Ling, "I'm so turned on by applause. Is that normal?"
"Shut up before I slap you into another breakthrough."
As Jin descended from the floating platform, basking in the afterglow of spiritual burns and audience moans, the announcer returned with an excited roar.
"AND NOW, THE FINAL EVENT! The legendary Cucumber Cultivation Scrolls shall be unveiled!"
Jin froze mid-smug-smile. "Wait… those are real?"
Fairy Ling gasped. "They've been missing for a thousand years! Said to contain techniques so stimulating, they caused entire sects to turn into brothels!"
"Sounds like my kind of scrolls," Jin muttered.
A group of old sect leaders arrived in a formation shaped suspiciously like a cucumber. Their leader—an elder with a long beard, crooked hat, and a permanently aroused eyebrow—stepped forward, holding a glowing green scroll.
"I am Grandmaster Donglong of the Forbidden Pickle Path. This... is the Sacred Scroll of the Nine Hard Strokes."
The scroll pulsed once. All women in the front row fainted.
Donglong raised a bony finger. "Only the one who can withstand the trial of Full Penetration of Willpower may read this scroll!"
Jin, of course, stepped up. "Sounds painful. I accept."
The crowd murmured.
The test was simple—sit in a jade tub infused with spiritual vinegar, hold the scroll between your legs, and withstand the illusions it conjured without getting… overly excited.
Jin sat.
The scroll unrolled.
Illusion One: Ruoyan in a maid outfit, asking if he'd like help polishing his "sword."
Illusion Two: Fairy Ling in a tight black dress, whispering "punish me, Master…"
Illusion Three: All his sect wives, oiled, glistening, and holding melons in places melons should not be.
Jin's body shook. His eyes twitched. His "jade dragon" twitched harder.
Fairy Ling covered her face. "I give him thirty seconds."
The elder's voice boomed: "He must last three minutes!"
Ruoyan: "He couldn't even last three minutes during my last massage session!"
"THAT WAS A SPECIAL CASE!" Jin roared, sweat pouring from his forehead.
[Ding! Host has activated: "Unwanted Erection Suppression Technique (Lv.1)." Effectiveness: 7%.]
The tub bubbled.
His jade dragon raged.
The scroll began to glow harder, vibrating violently between his legs like a very judgmental adult toy.
Then suddenly…
[Ding! Emergency Quest Triggered: Survive 'The Cultivation Boner Trial' Without Passing Out or Blowing Your Dao.]
Jin grit his teeth. "You want war?! I'll give you war!"
He countered with mental images of his old Earth boss in a thong, a farting goblin twerking, and Granny Wong picking her nose.
His spiritual fire surged!
The scroll exploded in a beam of green, shooting skyward as cucumbers rained from the heavens.
"HE'S DONE IT!" the announcer cried. "THE FIRST MAN TO RESIST THE NINE HARD STROKES!"
Jin collapsed, twitching, mumbling about haunted melons.
Grandmaster Donglong rushed forward. "Take it. Take the scroll, oh Worthy Cultivator of the Forbidden Pickle!"
Jin, drooling slightly, nodded. "Thank… you… Donglong…"
Back at the System Sect tent, his wives were waiting. Ruoyan crossed her arms.
"You really risked permanent jade injury for a scroll?"
Fairy Ling smirked. "He lasted two minutes and fifty-nine seconds. Respect."
Xue Lian fanned herself. "I need to 'meditate' for a few hours after that performance."
Just then, the scroll glowed and transformed into six jade rings.
Each ring flew to one of his women, embedding on their fingers.
[Ding! New Side Quest: 'Wedding Crashers of the Cultivation Realm'. Formally marry your six wives to unlock the forbidden dual techniques.]
Jin blinked. "Wait, wait! Are we skipping straight to marriage?! Where are the sexy misunderstandings and suggestive hot spring moments first?!"
Fairy Ling patted his shoulder. "That's your next arc."
The crowd chanted.
"JIN! JIN! MARRY THEM! MARRY THEM!"
A rogue cultivator shouted, "LET ME BE THE FLOWER GIRL!"
Jin stood up on the highest platform, scroll in one hand, ring boxes in the other, and a bleeding nose.
"I never asked for this harem life…"
"But I sure as hell am not giving it up either!"
Cue fireworks made of exploding cucumbers and screaming dildos as a massive sign formed in the air:
NEXT TIME: THE SYSTEM SECT WEDDING SAGA BEGINS!
Jin facepalmed. "I don't even have tuxedos."
Ruoyan grinned, "Just wear that cucumber loincloth again."