Jin was finally starting to feel like a proper cultivator. Not because he'd mastered profound arts, reached a new realm, or gained a thousand-year-old beast companion—though he was this close to convincing a chicken to stay. No, it was because people were finally calling him something other than "trash," "worm," or "Hey you! Get out of the girls' bath!"
He strolled through the sect courtyard with the swag of a man who'd won too many fights using too much ass-slapping, and with three different girls glaring at him from behind bushes like a murder harem waiting to happen.
Life was good.
"I'm serious, Master Jin," Ruoyan muttered, pacing beside him. "You've got to stop using Pervert's Palm as your signature technique. People are starting to call you the 'Boob Monk.'"
"That's... kind of awesome," Jin replied.
"No it's not! They added you to the Sect's No-Fly List! You're banned from aerial duels!"
"I prefer to stay grounded anyway," Jin smirked. "More thighs at eye-level."
She slapped the back of his head.
"Okay, okay!" He rubbed his scalp. "No more boob-related techniques... unless absolutely necessary."
Ruoyan growled. "You said that last time and still used 'Twin Peaks Caress' during the sparring exam."
"I slipped!"
"You yelled, 'Heavenly Honk Honk Explosion!' and groped the air."
"Dramatic slipping."
As they argued, a messenger disciple came sprinting toward them. "Master Jin! Emergency! It's your... your... your spiritual garden!"
"My what?"
"The... spiritual cucumbers are... violently expanding!"
Ruoyan blinked. "You planted what?"
Jin looked sheepish. "System said they were rare. Called 'Long Dragon Gourds.' Grew them using... uh... Lust Qi."
"You watered cucumbers with horny energy!?"
"They're thriving."
They ran to the spiritual garden to find chaos.
Thick, throbbing green vines covered the courtyard. Disciples were trapped in the coils, groaning as the vines vibrated ominously. Some were oddly relaxed. Others were deeply confused. One was smiling too much.
"Oh no," Jin whispered. "They're self-stimulating."
Fairy Ling flew in from the side, landing with a hand over her mouth. "It's a... forest of vibrating dild-cumbers."
"MY GOURDS!" Jin cried. "They were innocent!"
"They're spanking each other!" someone screamed.
"Yeah, they're not innocent anymore," Ruoyan muttered.
[Ding! New System Mission: Defuse the Horny Cucumbers Before the Sect Thinks You're a Pervert Farmer.]
"Oh, come on! It's just botany!"
But the vines weren't done.
One of the larger cucumbers roared. It had developed eyes. And teeth. And a thong made from leaves.
"IT'S GAINED SENTIENCE!" Fairy Ling cried.
Jin stepped forward. "As the spiritual gardener responsible for this horny mess, I must do the noble thing…"
He cracked his knuckles and activated his most refined art.
"Pervert's Palm Final Form: Sensual Suppression Slap!"
He leapt, hand glowing pink and vibrating, and landed a perfect spank on the gourd-beast's rear.
It deflated with a whimper.
The vines recoiled. The cucumbers shriveled. The garden let out one last moan... and went limp.
Ruoyan stared at him. "...We're never letting you plant anything again."
After the Great Gourd Incident—now known among the sect elders as "The Day the Courtyard Moaned"—Jin was placed under very close surveillance. As in, Elder Wu installed a spiritual tracking charm on his underpants. Every time Jin's libido spiked, a gong sounded in the main hall and a pigeon exploded in midair.
"Do you have to be horny this often?" Elder Wu yelled after the third pigeon that morning combusted mid-flight.
"I'm cultivating through emotion!" Jin protested. "It's an ancient Taoist principle!"
"You're cultivating through your dick!"
Jin nodded sagely. "The strongest meridian of all."
Wu nearly choked on his beard.
Meanwhile, Ruoyan had been busy damage-controlling Jin's reputation—or what was left of it. She'd bribed three news-spreading disciples, threatened two poets, and beat up a painter who'd begun a scroll titled 'The Pink-Handed Sage and His Lustful Gourds.'
Still, Jin's legend was only growing.
Especially after the next disaster.
It began, as most bad things in Jin's life did, with the System blinking at an inappropriate moment.
[Ding! Congratulations! You've unlocked a new Secret Art: Cultivation Climax Cannon (Unstable Beta). Would you like to test it?]
He was alone, meditating near a waterfall when it happened.
"Climax Cannon?" he whispered. "That sounds like a technique you'd only use on someone you really hate... or love."
He clicked accept.
The Qi inside him surged. His meridians flushed with heat. His body glowed with a suspiciously pink aura, and steam rose from his robes in very questionable areas.
The waterfall reversed direction.
Birds fell out of the sky moaning.
"Oh, that's not good."
A blast of energy exploded from his body in all directions. Rocks shattered. Trees wilted. A nearby deer blushed and fainted. His pants caught fire.
He was launched backward, smacking into a cliff—and leaving behind a perfect outline of his body burned into the stone.
From a nearby bush, a passing alchemist shouted, "HE'S ASCENDED THROUGH ORGASM!"
"NO, I HAVEN'T!" Jin groaned from a crater.
But it was too late.
By the time Jin got back to the sect, everyone was whispering about the "Heavenly Leaker" who turned spiritual pressure into something... moist.
They gave him a new nickname: The Dual Cultivator Without Consent.
Ruoyan threw a shoe at him.
"You climaxed near a sacred waterfall?! The monks use that water for enlightenment tea!"
"It was a technique! I didn't even feel good!"
"That doesn't make it better!"
Fairy Ling tried to be supportive. "Maybe this can be... reframed. Like, you're a revolutionary! A pioneer in... uh... Erotic Daoism."
"Erotic Daoism sounds cool," Jin admitted. "Like a scroll you find under an old mattress in a forbidden library."
"Stop being proud!" Ruoyan snapped. "You ruined three meditation pools and made a spiritual turtle pregnant!"
"Wait. Turtles lay eggs—"
"She's still demanding child support!"
Things went downhill from there.
The Sect Grand Council summoned Jin for a disciplinary trial. He expected punishment.
Instead, he got a job offer.
One of the ancient elders squinted down at him. "You... boy. Your Qi techniques are heretical, obscene, and occasionally arousing."
"Thank you?"
"We've decided to make you the Sect's official tester of Forbidden Arts."
"Wait—what?"
"You will explore every lewd, strange, or dangerous cultivation scroll in our archives. If it explodes, we know it's bad. If it just makes you moan and black out, we'll consider mass production."
Ruoyan stood up. "You're turning him into a guinea pig!"
The elder shrugged. "Better him than me. My hips dislocated just watching his last technique."
Jin grinned. "So I'm basically a pervert researcher."
"We prefer the term... Intimate Dao Analyst."
He was in.
Jin's new position came with a badge that read: "Certified Tester of Unreasonably Erotic Techniques – Level 1 (Pending Pants Safety Check)" and a robe stitched with two peaches clinking together under a yin-yang.
He wore it with pride.
"Let's begin with something light," said Grand Elder Mo as he led Jin into a sealed underground vault guarded by three eunuchs, one sentient chastity belt, and a jade statue shaped like a woman permanently slapping a man.
Jin's eyes gleamed at the massive bookshelf marked:
SECTION 69: TECHNIQUES TOO HORNY TO BE LEGALIZED.
He pulled one out.
"'Silken Serpent Sutra: Writhing Path of the Moist Cobra.' Sounds like a terrible band name."
"Careful," warned Elder Mo. "That one once possessed a sect master and made him seduce all his disciples. Even the men."
Jin tucked it under his arm. "So... Tuesday for me."
Next came the Nine Spanks of Heavenly Heaven, which required one to achieve spiritual clarity through being repeatedly spanked with a sandal infused with thunder Qi.
He tried it on himself.
Fairy Ling walked in mid-slap.
"What are you doing?"
"It's for science."
"You're moaning."
"It's advanced science."
She shook her head and walked out, cheeks red.
The next scroll made less sense.
"The Art of the Lubricated Phoenix: Glide to Immortal Ascension."
Requirements:
Must be naked.
Must meditate while sliding down an oiled stone ramp at high speeds.
Must yell something sexy while flying through the air.
Jin didn't hesitate.
He stripped, doused himself in spiritual oil, and launched himself down the incline with a war cry that echoed through five mountains:
"FOR THE DAO—AND DADDY'S PLEASURE!"
He hit a chi-infused pillow at the bottom and bounced straight into the arms of Sect Mistress Yuhua, who had come to inspect the archive's integrity.
Their eyes met.
Her hands were on his glistening chest.
He smiled weakly. "Ma'am. I'm testing glide dynamics."
She squeezed his nipple. "You have promise."
"...Do I get a promotion?"
"No. But you'll get a private lesson."
He passed out from blood loss.
---
Weeks passed. Jin became something of a celebrity among the outer sect disciples. They watched from a safe distance as he tested:
The "Four-Finger Fondle Fist" (banned in three realms).
The "Penetrating Palm of Persuasion" (used to break enemy morale and undergarments).
And the ultimate: "Heaven's Hidden Hole: Reverse Insertion Reversal"—which only worked if you could find a literal hole in space and crawl into it backward while humming a romantic song.
Fairy Ling begged him to stop. "Jin, you've weaponized horniness! This isn't cultivation—it's tantric terrorism!"
Jin countered, "The enemy can't focus their Qi if they're too busy blushing."
Even Ruoyan had to admit, his success rate was absurd. Every technique, no matter how cursed, seemed to empower him. His body glowed more. His muscles firmed. His peach aura radiated like a sunset over a sexy battlefield.
He gained two new titles:
"The Orgasmic Ogre of the Outer Sect"
"Master Jin, the Moist Finger of Fate."
He hated the second one.
One day, the system chimed in with a new message:
[Ding! Due to excessive use of erotic cultivation techniques, you have unlocked a hidden Physique: Immortal Lustbody: Dao of the Debauched Donkey!]
"What the hell?!"
[Benefits: Increased charm, resistant to seduction, immune to blue balls, and the ability to sense nearby panties.]
"...I can smell panties?"
[Also detect whether they're enchanted.]
"Oh thank heavens. I nearly died to one last week."
Ruoyan eventually cornered him. "You're growing stronger... but also dumber. You nearly tried to dual cultivate with a painting."
"To be fair," Jin said, "it was a very realistic scroll. The boobs were 3D."
"Jin, listen," she said, grabbing his shoulders. "You are powerful, yes. But if you keep walking this path, you might reach a level of perversion from which even the heavens will blush."
Jin blinked. "You say that like it's a bad thing."
And that's when the sky cracked.
A voice boomed from the heavens.
"ENOUGH! WHO HAS BEEN DABBLING IN THE HEAVENLY BEDROOM ARTS WITHOUT A LICENSE?!"
A lightning bolt struck Jin's gourd.
He twitched.
"Jin," Ruoyan whispered, "what did you do?"
Jin slowly looked up, charred hair smoking. "I think... I turned on the Immortal Sex Police."