Jin was having a great day.
And by "great," we mean he woke up face-first in a watermelon after surviving Fairy Ling's accidental "Breast-Pressing Heavenly Formation" which triggered while she was sleep-stretching. He didn't know whether to thank the heavens or file a spiritual harassment report.
"Get your face out of my fruit," Fairy Ling yawned, stepping over his head. "And stop drooling. That was from your mouth, right?"
He nodded. "Totally. Yep. Definitely mouth. All saliva. No blood."
Ruoyan rolled her eyes as she walked in wearing only a towel—barely—and tossed a spiritual grape into her mouth. "You two look like rejected porn scene extras. Jin, dress up. Today's the Sect Founding Festival."
"The what?"
Fairy Ling smirked. "The Sect Founding Festival. You know, that thing where we honor the old ancestors and act like we weren't all born from a chaotic soup of orgies and pill fires?"
"Oh! Right!" Jin snapped his fingers. "The one where everyone pretends they care about history while actually trying to outshine each other with flashy moves and bigger... statues."
"Exactly," Ruoyan said. "And this year, the outer sect gets to raise the Ancestor Statue."
Jin blinked. "Raise? Like… erect it?"
"Yes," said Fairy Ling. "Try not to turn that into a sex joke."
He failed immediately. "So we're having a massive sect-wide erection ceremony today?"
Both girls groaned in spiritual disappointment.
Jin stood up, still covered in sticky melon bits. "Alright, where do we stick this big ol' ancestor pole?"
Ruoyan facepalmed.
---
By noon, the entire Xuanjing Sect's outer grounds were buzzing with activity. Banners flew, disciples strutted, elders floated in midair looking vaguely bored but important. Stalls sold spiritual dumplings and Sect-branded condoms. (For dual cultivation safety, of course.)
Jin arrived in a robe two sizes too small because his system pranked him with a "One Size Fits None" reward.
His nipples were basically trying to become honorary sect elders.
He walked through the crowd, admiring the festivities, when the system pinged:
[Ding! Side Quest Activated: Erect the Ancestor Statue Properly (Without Penetrating the Wrong Hole)]
Jin stared blankly. "What kind of messed up translation is that?"
The statue in question stood 30 feet tall and was still horizontal on the ground. It was a massive carving of the sect's founder, Grandmaster Bao—the only man who ever achieved Nirvana while being spanked by three heavenly nuns and one accidental goat.
Unfortunately, the statue was also in the shape of a very proud, bearded man pointing dramatically to the heavens... with what looked suspiciously like an erect middle finger.
"Subtle," Jin muttered.
Fairy Ling handed him a scroll. "You're in charge of raising it. Sect Elder Wu said if you mess this up, you'll be cleaning demon pig crap with your teeth."
"Why my teeth!?"
"He said hands are too good for you."
---
Jin gathered a few of the more unhelpful outer sect disciples.
There was Yao Hu, the lazy one who claimed every manual was too "Qi-draining." And Bo Ling, who always smelled like roasted lizard and claimed to be allergic to responsibility. And a third guy named "Third Guy," who kept licking his own armpit for reasons no one asked about.
"Alright team," Jin began. "Today, we face our greatest enemy: gravity."
Bo Ling raised a hand. "Can we just throw it into the air and hope it lands upright?"
"Sure," Jin said. "If your name is Heaven's Asshole. Otherwise—no."
They tied spiritual ropes to the statue, aligned the platform, and began pulling. Slowly. Painfully. With Jin shouting things like:
"Left! Left! Your other left, Third Guy!"
And—
"Stop licking the rope, Bo Ling! It's not flavored!"
And—
"Yao Hu! Stop pretending to faint!"
Eventually, the statue was halfway up. The problem was… it began tilting. Toward the food stall. And Fairy Ling's chest. And Ruoyan's face.
"IF THIS FALLS ON US, I'M TURNING YOU INTO A FIXED ASSET!" Ruoyan screamed.
Jin yelled, "System, give me emergency support!"
[Ding! Activating Support Skill: Thousand Tongue Technique!]
"Wait, what—"
Suddenly, Jin's tongue extended like a whip. He lashed it out—purely by panic—and wrapped it around the tip of the statue's finger. He then yanked back with everything his perverted soul could manage.
The result?
The statue swung up.
And landed perfectly upright.
And his tongue snapped back into his mouth, slapping himself so hard he saw his past life again.
Everyone cheered.
Fairy Ling raised her brows. "That... shouldn't have worked."
Ruoyan looked vaguely impressed. "Well. At least you're good with your tongue."
Jin weakly gave a thumbs-up. "I'm a man of flexible talents."
The crowd roared in applause.
The elders nodded in silent approval.
A drunk sect janitor screamed, "THAT'S THE KIND OF SPIRIT THAT MADE ME PEE LIGHTNING!"
As Jin basked in the collective applause, still reeling from his whiplash tongue maneuver, he was immediately swarmed by junior disciples.
"You were amazing, Senior Brother!"
"That technique! That form! That tongue!"
"Will you teach us your ways, oh mighty Licker of Statues?"
Jin puffed his chest. "Calm down, calm down, one perversion at a time. Remember, cultivation is about spiritual balance, bodily discipline, and occasionally... licking things dramatically."
Fairy Ling slapped the back of his head. "No, it's not."
But before Jin could respond with more inspirational filth, a booming voice echoed from above.
"Jin Longwang! Outer Sect Trash Turned Erection Savior!"
A figure descended from the sky riding... a flying bed.
Not a sword. Not a beast. A literal king-sized bed with golden tassels, feather pillows, and a full headboard engraved with '69 Heavenly Embraces Sect.'
The man who stood atop it was oiled, shirtless, and wearing nothing but silk pants and a dozen rings on his nipples. His name glowed in golden letters above his head:
Zhao Daiyu, Dual Cultivation Young Master of the Thousand Orgasm Pavilion
The crowd gasped. Even Elder Wu whispered, "...Oh crap. That guy again."
Jin blinked. "Who the hell is this Casanova mattress wizard?"
Zhao Daiyu struck a pose. "I am the undefeated God of Bed Arts, the undefeated cultivator of thrusting Qi, the man who made a demonic princess climax through eye contact! And YOU—"
He pointed at Jin dramatically.
"—you have disrespected the Sacred Erection Ritual with your filthy, unlubricated methods!"
Jin frowned. "Excuse me, my erection technique was perfect."
"Blasphemy! You used raw strength, brute force, and an unrefined tongue! That's not how we do it in the Thousand Orgasm Pavilion!"
Fairy Ling whispered, "Is that a real sect?"
Ruoyan replied, "Unfortunately."
Zhao Daiyu snapped his fingers. A legion of maidens floated down from the clouds, each wearing translucent robes and carrying velvet cushions with combat toys shaped like cultivation tools.
"I challenge you," Zhao roared, "to the ultimate test of manhood! A duel of style, stamina, and spiritual sexiness!"
Jin raised an eyebrow. "You want to duel... with foreplay?"
"No! Well—yes. But in front of the whole sect, we'll settle this the only way true dual cultivators know how: The Battle of Seduction Techniques!"
The disciples gasped. Fairy Ling began sharpening her fan like a weapon. Ruoyan summoned a sword entirely out of cold fury.
Jin, meanwhile, scratched his head. "Uh… I'm more of a one-man strip comedy show. I don't really seduce—I usually trip and accidentally fall into boobs."
Zhao pointed. "Too bad. You're representing your sect now. You shall face three trials: The Moan of Power, the Groan of Pleasure, and the Scream of Satisfaction!"
Jin blinked. "Those sound like my system notifications when I upgrade my pervert skills."
Fairy Ling growled, "You're not seriously doing this."
Jin shrugged. "Hey, when the universe offers you a stage and horny enemies, you don't say no. You say—System, give me some spicy seduction techniques!"
[Ding! New Skills Unlocked: – Sensual Palm Technique: Grope of Glory – Qi Undulation Art: Bedroll Shuffle – Tongue Style: Lick of Destiny Warning: Excessive use may cause public fainting and/or pants combustion.]
Ruoyan held her forehead. "We're going to lose the sect's reputation today, aren't we?"
Fairy Ling hissed, "It's not losing if we never had any."
---
The first trial was announced by Elder Wu, who sounded like he'd rather be bathing in cactus oil.
"Trial One: Moan of Power. Competitors must generate a moan from their partner using only Qi manipulation and non-contact methods. Extra points if the moan causes earthquakes or spontaneous breakthroughs."
Zhao Daiyu stepped forward with a sultry gaze. "My partner shall be my twelfth concubine—Xiao-Xiao, come forth!"
A woman emerged, breathless, her robe already halfway undone like she'd just walked off the set of an adult-themed cultivation drama.
Zhao flicked a finger. A pink wave of seductive Qi floated toward her and struck her with the precision of a spiritual vibrator.
"Ahhh~!" she moaned so hard a nearby tree shattered.
The crowd gasped.
"Now THAT'S dual cultivation mastery!"
Jin stepped forward, unsure. "I… I don't have a concubine for this."
Ruoyan crossed her arms. "Try and pick me and I'll neuter you with chopsticks."
Fairy Ling sighed. "Fine. I volunteer. But if you activate any weird tongue thing again, I'm burning your mouth shut."
Jin smiled nervously. "I'll be gentle."
He activated the Sensual Palm Technique, summoned Qi to his fingertips, and waved them like jazz hands on steroids.
The Qi flowed around Fairy Ling's waist, spiraled up her back, and teased her nape.
She twitched. "Mmnnh…?"
Then Jin added a twist.
He summoned the Lick of Destiny—but used it remotely through Qi transmission.
Fairy Ling suddenly gasped, her eyes wide, legs shivering.
"Y-you bastard…!"
Then—
BOOM.
A tiny explosion erupted under her feet as her spiritual aura flared from sheer shock.
The referee's robe caught fire. An elder's beard curled. Someone fainted.
Elder Wu coughed. "...Point to Jin. Trial tied."
Zhao growled. "You tricked me with indirect licking!"
"Indirect tongue is still tongue," Jin said smugly.
The tension was thicker than Zhao Daiyu's oil-slicked abs. Jin wiped a bead of sweat from his brow, unsure if it was anxiety or residual arousal from his accidental spiritual tonguework.
Elder Wu, who looked like he'd rather die than be here, cleared his throat. "Trial Two: Groan of Pleasure. Competitors must use physical contact techniques—no nudity, but heavy suggestiveness encouraged. First groan wins. Keep it… tasteful."
"'Tasteful'?" Fairy Ling muttered. "He just vibrated a woman into a sonic climax."
Zhao cracked his knuckles. "Behold! The Thousand-Fingered Caress Technique!" He crouched behind his concubine like a sensual monkey and began tapping, massaging, and Qi-stroking her pressure points with absurd precision.
"Uhn~!"
She collapsed in a puddle of silk and steam.
Jin stood awkwardly. "I don't know any real techniques. I just… improvise."
Fairy Ling rolled her eyes and stepped forward. "Fine. Do your worst. But no weird humming this time."
Jin cracked his knuckles. "Alright, System, give me the dirtiest thing you've got."
[Ding! Unlocking: Forbidden Technique – Reverse Engineered Bedroll Jutsu]
"What?"
[This move mimics the motion of a hundred simultaneous bedtime positions using only the hips and spiritual intent.]
Jin took position behind Fairy Ling, did a hip swivel, and shouted:
"Reverse Engineered Bedroll Jutsu: INITIATE!"
The ground quaked. Spiritual energy wrapped around them in a cyclone of awkwardly sensual motion. It looked less like a duel and more like the ghost of a stripper performing interpretive martial arts.
Fairy Ling groaned—half pleasure, half panic.
"Ughhh—what even IS this?!"
She let out a sharp, involuntary squeak. A puff of steam burst from her ears.
Zhao Daiyu's mouth dropped open. "That's illegal! That's unholy!"
Elder Wu stared in horror. "Point… unfortunately… to Jin."
The audience screamed. "HE DID IT AGAIN!"
A rogue elder sobbed into his sleeve. "That boy's pelvis has no respect for the Dao!"
---
"Final Trial," Elder Wu sighed, looking utterly defeated. "Scream of Satisfaction. Competitors must make their partner scream through pure, unfiltered dual Qi resonance. No touching. Just energy. The louder, the better."
Zhao snorted. "I've been doing this since I was six—"
"You were dual cultivating at six?!"
"Mentally!"
Jin rolled his neck and turned to Fairy Ling. "Alright, I'll need full focus. I'm gonna resonate your core until you see fireworks and your soul achieves temporary enlightenment."
"You make that sound romantic and horrifying," she muttered.
He activated everything: Lick of Destiny, Sensual Palm, Forbidden Bedroll Jutsu, and added a new one:
[Ding! Activating: Heavenly Hip Pulse – Auto-Resonance Modulation]
Spiritual energy surged from his hips in pulsing waves. It was as if his entire body became a tuning fork tuned to 'moan' mode.
Fairy Ling floated.
Literally.
Her eyes glowed. Her breath caught. A pulse of pleasure surged out, rippling through the sect and knocking over a dozen bystanders.
She screamed—not in fear, not in pain, but in full-blown, spiritually-attuned, Qi-induced ecstasy.
"AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEHHH!!"
Mountains trembled. A nearby sect goose exploded from shock.
Zhao Daiyu dropped to his knees. "Impossible… you made her Ascend!"
Jin stood there, shirtless, glowing, smug. "Sometimes… you don't need a sword. Just the right technique."
Elder Wu dropped the gong. "JIN WINS. ZHAO, GO BACK TO YOUR PILLOW FORT. THIS DUEL IS OVER."
---
Later that night, as Jin sat on the sect rooftop eating spicy noodles, Fairy Ling sat beside him, arms crossed.
"…You owe me a bottle of spiritual wine."
"Was I that bad?"
"You made my meridians spiral. Twice."
He grinned. "So… what's next for us?"
She sipped her wine, cheeks flushed. "Next time, warn me before you do the hip pulse thing again. My thighs are still shaking."
Ruoyan appeared out of the shadows. "Next time, do it to me or I'm selling your system to the highest bidder."
Jin blinked. "Was that jealousy?"
"No, that was a threat."
Fairy Ling rolled her eyes. "This harem's going to be a damn warzone."
Jin leaned back, arms behind his head.
"Bring it on."
Because in this ridiculous cultivation world full of statues, sects, perverts, and heavenly hips—Jin Longwang, the System Cultivator, had just made his name echo louder than a scream of satisfaction.