It started with a bang. Not the fun kind.
The kind where your sect's alchemy pavilion exploded because someone tried to cultivate aphrodisiac pills using spiritual moans as fuel.
The smoke cleared to reveal an elderly man floating upside-down in charred robes, clutching a half-melted cauldron and a scroll that read "69 Heavenly Moan Pills – For Beginners."
"Elder Tong!" someone yelled. "You reversed the Yin-Yang polarity again!"
Elder Tong coughed up pink smoke. "I regret... nothing!"
Down below, Jin stood in front of the crowd with an expression that screamed I swear I had nothing to do with this, which, of course, was a lie.
Because five minutes earlier, the System had popped up with a notification.
[Ding! New Quest: Become the Number One Aphrodi—Alchemist in the Sect!
Reward: Cultivation breakthrough + 'Scent of Seduction' passive aura.]
"Wait—did you say aphrodisiac or alchemist?" Jin had asked.
[Ding! Why not both?]
Now, the sect's Alchemy Tower looked like a pink mushroom cloud had made sweet love to a scented candle factory.
Ruoyan arrived, looked at the destruction, and asked the most important question: "Did you at least bottle the explosion? We could sell it as a perfume."
"'Explosion de Lust' by House of Jin," he mused. "Top notes: shame and spiritual failure. Base notes: regret and roses."
Fairy Ling arrived moments later, her robe unbuttoned just enough to hint at murder. "Why," she hissed, "is every problem that plagues this sect traceable back to your libido?"
"Talent," Jin replied. "Some people are born gifted. I'm just more gifted in the pervert department."
Ruoyan nodded solemnly. "He's not wrong. I tested it once. Accidentally. Don't ask."
From the ashes of the cauldron wreckage, Elder Tong rose again like a horny phoenix. "My boy!" he shouted, landing next to Jin. "You've got it! The raw, unfiltered… smutty Qi! We must forge the Orgasm Cauldron!"
"The what now?" Jin blinked.
"It's an ancient artifact!" Elder Tong said, eyes glowing with madness and possibly Viagra. "Said to enhance pill refinement by channeling the power of… ecstatic release!"
Jin turned to the girls. "Do I want to be involved with a cauldron powered by—"
"Yes," they said in unison, not even blinking.
"I haven't even finished asking—"
"Yes," Ruoyan repeated. "We both know you're going to do it anyway."
Elder Tong produced a scroll covered in spiritual moans and very inappropriate diagrams involving herbs, heated ginseng roots, and something called "Thrusting Flame Technique." Jin's eyes widened.
"Is that a peach or a metaphor?" he asked.
"Yes," Tong said.
An emergency meeting of the sect was called, during which Elder Wu had to defend the decision to allow construction of the world's first Dao of Erotic Alchemy Pavilion. Meanwhile, Jin was sent on a mission to gather the ingredients required for the Orgasm Cauldron:
1. Dragonwood from the Lusting Forest.
2. Nectar of the Moaning Flower.
3. A bottle of Heavenly Virgin's Breath.
4. And the most rare of all—a single hair from a Celibate Monk.
"That's just evil," Fairy Ling muttered. "Those monks explode if you touch their hands, let alone pluck their hair."
Ruoyan grinned. "Sounds like a good time."
And so, the journey began.
First stop: the Lusting Forest—a realm of trees that moaned when stroked and vines that wrapped around anything with abs.
"This forest has the sexual energy of a nightclub," Jin said, brushing aside a tree branch that made an audible 'Nnnngh~' sound.
Fairy Ling swatted away a vine that tried to grope her leg. "Next time we go herb hunting, I vote for the Sober Forest."
Ruoyan smirked. "You mean the forest where plants practice abstinence?"
They ventured deeper until they encountered the Dragonwood Tree, which stood tall, proud, and pulsing with pink light. It looked like a tree trying too hard to impress the ladies.
"It's leaking sap shaped like hearts," Jin muttered. "That can't be normal."
He approached, ready to extract a piece of the trunk, when suddenly the tree… moaned. Loudly.
"Ahhh! Yes! Deeper!" the bark echoed.
Jin froze. "I feel violated."
Fairy Ling nearly fell over laughing. "Jin! You awakened it with your touch!"
Ruoyan sighed. "Of course he did. He could probably seduce a rock if it had curves."
With immense awkwardness—and the help of some spiritual gloves made of Celestial Consent Cloth—they extracted the Dragonwood without triggering another climax from the tree. It bid them farewell with a satisfied shudder.
"One ingredient down," Jin said, trying not to make eye contact with the aroused tree. "Next stop: the Moaning Flower fields."
He immediately regretted those words when they arrived at a meadow where every flower made bedroom noises in stereo. The moment he stepped in, the flowers cried out.
"YES, HARVEST ME!"
"PLUCK ME HARDER!"
Fairy Ling actually sat down and wept. "This... is my life now."
Ruoyan pinched her brow. "We're not going to survive this sect, are we?"
Jin picked one particularly enthusiastic flower. "At least they're consent-driven."
[Ding! You have acquired: Nectar of the Moaning Flower x1.]
He looked around at the shaking grass and quivering petals.
"Let's never speak of this again."
By the time they reached the temple of the Celibate Monks, Jin was already regretting everything.
It was nestled on the highest peak of Mount Abstainia, surrounded by cold winds and the sound of chanting monks reciting the sacred sutra: "I shall not nut. I shall not nut. I shall not nut."
"Remind me why we're doing this again?" Jin asked, rubbing his arms to keep warm.
"To make the world's horniest cauldron," Fairy Ling deadpanned.
"Oh, right."
Elder Tong had warned them: "Celibate Monks are like spiritual pressure cookers—no release for decades. If one of them even sees a cleavage, they might break through enlightenment or combust."
Jin, being Jin, showed up wearing his open robe style with nothing underneath but confidence and bad decisions.
"Don't worry," he smirked. "I'm the system host. My flirt resistance is over 9000."
Ruoyan snorted. "You are the flirt."
They reached the temple gate, where a young monk greeted them with pure serenity—and massive eye bags.
"Welcome to the Temple of Eternal Purity," he said, hands clasped. "How may I help you—"
Then he saw Fairy Ling, Ruoyan, and Jin's scandalous chest window.
The monk immediately had a nosebleed so intense it sprayed in the shape of the Buddhist lotus.
"Brother!" another monk shouted. "Focus your qi into your loins—I mean dantian!"
Jin stepped forward. "I humbly request a hair from your Most Abstinent Brother. It's for a righteous cause. And also a little pervy."
The monks huddled and chanted furiously. Jin stood awkwardly.
A door creaked open.
Out stepped the Grand Celibate, an old man who radiated pure repression. His aura alone shriveled the flowers nearby. His beard was untouched, his brows perfectly aligned, and his hands folded like they hadn't known touch since the last ice age.
He looked Jin dead in the eye.
"You seek… a hair… from me?"
Jin swallowed. "Yes. Just one. For alchemy."
"Alchemy," the Grand Celibate repeated, voice monotone. "Not for girl-chasing, lewd pill-making, or… fornication?"
Jin grinned awkwardly. "Define 'lewd.'"
The Grand Celibate narrowed his eyes. "If I give this to you, you must swear never to use it for… intercourse-enhancing artifacts."
"Cross my heart and hope to cultivate," Jin said. "Totally not planning to make the Orgasm Cauldron."
The Grand Celibate slowly reached up… and plucked a single, glowing white hair from his beard.
As it left his body, a shockwave of suppressed libido burst outward. Every monk in the temple staggered.
One screamed, "I… I SAW HER ANKLE!"
Another exploded into golden light and ascended on the spot.
The Grand Celibate collapsed. "It is done… I can finally rest…"
He turned to golden dust and vanished like a Jedi ghost, whispering, "Boobs… were a lie…"
Jin pocketed the hair and bowed solemnly. "Rest well, Master of the Abstained."
With all ingredients in hand, they returned to the sect and began forging the cauldron.
It was a ridiculous process.
First, the Dragonwood had to be carved while whispering sweet nothings into it.
"Who's a good horny tree?" Jin muttered.
Second, the Moaning Flower nectar had to be stirred clockwise while reciting poetry about thighs.
"Like twin silken pillows…" Jin chanted, "...her legs parted the clouds…"
Ruoyan arched an eyebrow. "You've been reading my diary again, haven't you?"
Finally, Jin placed the Monk Hair into the center of the cauldron, which caused the entire room to tremble.
A vortex of spiritual energy, incense, and sex appeal swirled into existence.
[Ding! You have created: The Orgasm Cauldron – Tier: Legendary.
Effects: Increases pill success rate, improves flavor, and moans when stirred.]
The cauldron actually moaned.
"Aahhn~ Mix me harder, daddy~"
Fairy Ling's eye twitched. "I'm going to destroy this thing."
"No you're not," Ruoyan said. "We're going to make a fortune."
And so began Jin's new career as an Erotic Alchemist. His pills were the hottest item on the market.
Pill names included:
Moan Rejuvenation Pellet
Dual Cultivation Enhancement Tonic
Silken Release Elixir (For Men AND Women!)
Bedbreaker Burst Bead – Not For Public Use
Jin's popularity skyrocketed.
Sect members started wearing collars with little pink cauldrons on them. People stopped training for swordplay and started training their bedroom qi. Elder Wu wept openly.
"We were supposed to be a martial sect… Not a— Not a— SPIRITUAL BROTHEL!"
Elder Tong proudly declared, "We are pioneers!"
Even Fairy Ling got into it. She released a pill called "Silent Screamer" that caused the user to reach Nirvana without making a sound.
The sect gained the nickname "House of Ooohhh."
Of course, not everyone was pleased.
Rival sects began plotting against them. Rumors spread of a Chastity Sect, where virgins trained to resist lust and destroy perversion.
"They call themselves the White Robes," Ruoyan said, reading a scroll. "They've sworn to burn our Orgasm Cauldron."
Jin scoffed. "They're just jealous they don't know how to stir properly."
Still, Jin had a plan.
"We'll host a public Pill-Tasting Duel," he declared, "and invite all sects to sample our—uh—products."
He pulled a scroll out of his robe, revealing the event title:
"Clash of the Climax Cauldrons: A Taste of Heaven."
The sun rose on the day of the most stimulating sect gathering in cultivation history: Clash of the Climax Cauldrons.
Jin stood proudly at the front of his pavilion, which was decorated with pink lanterns, silk bedsheets, and a suspiciously moaning banner. At his side were Ruoyan and Fairy Ling, dressed in pill vendor uniforms so tight they looked like they were selling temptation by the pound.
"Welcome, fellow cultivators!" Jin shouted to the gathering crowd of disciples and elders from dozens of sects. "Today, you will sample my finest creations!"
Gasps filled the air as trays of pills were unveiled, each one glowing softly and releasing faint sighs and whispers like they were made from the spirit essence of a thousand flirts.
A representative from the Chastity Sect stepped forward, tall, pale, and pinched like someone who had never smiled, farted, or known joy. His name was Elder Coldshaft.
He pointed a trembling finger at Jin. "You are a disgrace to cultivation! Pill making is sacred—NOT seductive!"
Jin smiled. "Then prepare your taste buds, Ice Daddy. Because your purity ends today."
Elder Coldshaft huffed. "You think you can beat our righteous pills with your moaning elixirs and pervert pops?"
"We have flavor," Jin replied, holding up a pill shaped like a heart. "And form. And a high chance of spontaneous dual cultivation breakthroughs."
Elder Coldshaft scoffed and popped one of Jin's pills into his mouth. "What could this possibly—"
His eyes rolled back.
His knees gave out.
He collapsed like a dying goat and moaned, "Oh Heavenly Heavens… I taste lascivious lightning…"
Gasps. Murmurs. One monk passed out from shame.
Ruoyan leaned toward Fairy Ling. "I give him five minutes before he starts dry humping the clouds."
Fairy Ling, without looking up, added, "He's already pitching a tent in his robes."
The Chastity Sect panicked. One elder screamed, "Quick! Feed him the Virginity Reviver Pill!"
But it was too late. Coldshaft started convulsing and broke through three minor realms in a row, screaming, "YESSS! I HAVE TASTED THE DIVINE NIPPLE OF DAO!"
The crowd erupted into chaotic applause.
Jin turned to his cauldron and winked. "Good job, baby."
"Aahn~ Make more of me~" it moaned.
He would've said something clever, but a messenger hawk landed on his shoulder.
A letter.
He opened it.
His smirk dropped.
"Uh oh…"
"What is it?" Ruoyan asked.
"The Emperor of the Central Realms wants to meet me."
"The Emperor?" Fairy Ling asked, looking alarmed. "Why?"
"Because," Jin said, swallowing, "he wants to mass-produce the Orgasm Cauldron… for his harem."
---
Within two days, Jin and his team were flown to the Imperial Palace on a cloud yacht powered by lust-infused spiritual cores. It was shaped like a giant bed.
The Emperor was a youthful-looking man with a beard so sculpted it probably had its own qi. His palace was one giant spa, filled with giggling concubines and half-dressed guards. His throne? A vibrating recliner.
"You're Jin the System Cultivator," the Emperor said. "I want what you have."
"Respectfully," Jin replied, "that's what everyone says."
The Emperor handed him a contract.
"I'll pay you ten thousand spirit stones per cauldron. You'll be my Royal Orgasm Alchemist."
Jin blinked. "That's… a job title?"
"Oh yes. You'll be in charge of refining elixirs for stamina, seduction, and uh… second wind."
Jin's brain exploded with dollar signs. "Deal."
But just as he signed—
A boom resounded across the palace.
"JIN!" a woman screamed from the sky.
Everyone looked up.
A figure descended in white, robes flowing, eyes like thunderclouds, and boobs so mighty they had their own gravity field.
"Who the hell?" Jin whispered.
Fairy Ling whispered back, "That's Yue Bingbing. The Virgin Blade Empress."
"She looks like she eats men for breakfast."
"She does. And then sues them for dessert."
Yue Bingbing landed, pointing her sword at Jin.
"You… defiled my disciples with your erotic pills. My sect is now a bunch of panting messes who faint at the sound of jingling bracelets!"
"Uh, sorry?" Jin offered weakly.
"You owe me reparation," she growled. "With your body."
Jin perked up. "Wait, like—"
"No. I mean a duel. You win, I'll forgive you. I win… I turn you into a eunuch."
"…Less exciting."
The Emperor clapped. "A duel of lust vs. purity? In my garden of roses? YES!"
They squared off.
Jin: shirtless, holding a bottle of aphrodisiac.
Yue Bingbing: glowing with ice qi and a very judgmental aura.
"Ready?" she hissed.
"Not really," Jin said, then threw the bottle into her face.
She cut it in mid-air, but the vapor sprayed.
"Cheap trick!"
She charged.
Jin dodged, leapt, and struck with a palm technique he'd just invented.
Spank of Enlightenment!
Her butt got slapped.
The palace gasped.
Yue Bingbing turned crimson.
"You—PERVERT!"
She swung her blade, but her footing wobbled. The mist was taking effect.
"I will not… moan…"
"You will," Jin smirked, "and it'll be cultivation-worthy."
Another clash.
Another palm.
Slap of the Sleeping Siren!
She trembled.
Her aura cracked.
And then…
She moaned.
Soft. Sweet. Deadly.
"Ah…"
Jin caught her as she fainted.
The Emperor stood and clapped furiously.
"The match is over! Jin wins!"
Fairy Ling walked up and deadpanned, "You spanked a virgin empress unconscious. What now?"
Jin shrugged. "Make her my wife?"
Ruoyan smacked him. "One more and you'll have a harem syndrome."
He grinned. "Better than blue balls."