Morning in the Xuanjing Sect was never quiet anymore—not since Jin arrived and weaponized horniness as a legitimate cultivation path. Birds chirped, disciples chanted sutras, and somewhere in the outer sect, a man screamed, "WHY ARE MY PANTS ON FIRE?!"
Jin stretched lazily in his courtyard, shirt half open, harem expanding, and ego inflated like a hot air balloon powered by boob envy.
"System," he yawned, "give me the daily mission."
[Ding! Daily Mission: Grope a divine being. Reward: +10 Libido Points, +1 Heavenly Breast Grasp proficiency.]
"...System, are you on heat?"
[Correction: I am you on heat.]
Before Jin could process that disturbing response, Ruoyan barged in, kicking the door with her delicate feet like a goddess on steroids. "JIN! You unleashed a new cultivation technique last night, didn't you?"
He blinked. "I don't remember... unless you're talking about the thing with Fairy Ling's tail and the peanut butter."
"WHAT?!"
"Nothing."
Ruoyan smacked him with a rolled-up scroll. "You caused three explosions, two pregnancies—don't ask—and apparently someone founded a new sect inspired by your accidental strip duel."
"What's it called?"
Ruoyan threw a jade tablet at him.
"...Sect of Exploding Panties?" Jin read aloud. "...I am both horrified and proud."
She crossed her arms. "They've issued a challenge. They're marching here. Their leader claims she has a Heavenly Nipple Technique that can defeat your... Harem Heaven Whirlwind."
He froze. "Wait. There's a real 'Heavenly Nipple Technique'?"
"Yes."
"...Is it for sale?"
"JIN!"
"Okay, okay! Fine. I'll prepare."
[Ding! Quest: Defeat Lady Lala of the Exploding Panty Sect. Reward: 1x Divine Silk Underwear (Auto-Adjusting), +500 XP, unlock new harem member.]
"System," he whispered, "are we finally getting the underwear that doesn't ride up during mid-air combat?"
[Yes. And it has storage space.]
"I'm going to cry."
But before the tears came, another alert pinged.
[Ding! Danger Approaches.]
Boom.
A puff of pink smoke filled the air, followed by sensual laughter and slow-motion entrance music. The disciples turned to see an army of beautiful women in crimson robes, all sashaying toward the sect gates like they were walking a Victoria's Secret runway—except every step made nearby cultivators spontaneously combust from nosebleeds.
At the front, riding a golden sedan chair carried by four topless men, sat a bombshell beauty. Tall, curvy, red hair that glowed like fire and... physics-defying assets that made Jin question the laws of cultivation and gravity.
She stepped down, licked a strawberry lollipop, and declared, "I am Lady Lala, Supreme Leader of the Sect of Exploding Panties. I've come to challenge the man who corrupted innocent maidens with his degenerate techniques."
"Technically," Jin raised his hand, "they corrupted me. I was a good boy until chapter three."
Lala ignored him. "I will fight you in the Triple Erotic Trial. If you lose, you must join my sect as a live-in demonstration model."
Jin blinked. "Wait, that doesn't sound so bad."
Ruoyan narrowed her eyes.
"I mean NO! Horrible! Torture! Unacceptable!"
Lala smirked. "You agree then?"
"Only if I get to name the rounds."
"Agreed."
"Round One shall be: Seduce or Be Slapped!"
"What kind of trial is that?!"
"The best kind."
And thus, chaos once again descended on Xuanjing Sect...
Jin stood in the center of the Xuanjing Sect's dueling arena, shirt unbuttoned just enough to suggest danger, charm, and a lack of laundry skills. Across from him, Lady Lala stretched like a panther preparing to pounce, her curves wrapped in crimson silk that violated several moral codes—and at least one fire safety regulation.
"ROUND ONE: SEDUCE OR BE SLAPPED!" the referee yelled.
"Who hired this guy?" Ruoyan muttered.
The referee twirled dramatically. "I volunteer as tribute!"
"Shut up, Xu!" yelled Elder Wu from the peanut gallery, where half the inner sect was gathered with snacks and betting slips.
Lala stepped forward, hips swaying like they were in a seductive martial arts movie. "Jin, prepare to lose. My charm technique has defeated Nascent Soul Elders and made a dragon propose marriage."
"Joke's on you," Jin smirked. "I've been immune to shame since my first wet dream involved a sword spirit and a bowl of noodles."
Lala's eye twitched. "...The hell?"
"System," Jin whispered. "Activate counter-flirt protocol."
[Ding! Activating: Ultimate Dirty Talk Art – Level 3: Milkshake Disruptor.]
Lala lunged into action, channeling Qi into her assets. "Witness my technique—Breastquake: Valley of Eternal Bounce!"
Her chest glowed with sensual energy. With a sensual whip of her upper body, shockwaves rippled through the arena. Outer sect disciples flew back, someone's pants disintegrated, and a squirrel caught on fire.
"MY EYES!" screamed a monk from the Herb Hall, foaming at the mouth.
"MY SOUL!" wept a rogue cultivator, now eternally converted to simpery.
Jin stood firm. "Cute. But I've been training my nipples since chapter 6."
He ripped his shirt open with a roar that echoed through the heavens. There they were—his chest, gleaming like oiled buns, his areolas surrounded by spiraling Qi arrays.
"Twin Moonlight Nipples of Destiny!" Jin cried. "Now feel my Honk-nado Technique!"
He spun, hands extended in slap position, unleashing a flurry of glowing palm strikes. Each honk-like slap sound sent ripples of energy that canceled Lala's bouncing breasts. She stumbled, shocked.
"You countered my bounce... with rhythm?"
"Bitch, I'm the Drumline of Lust!"
Jin's final honk strike landed gently—but firmly—on Lala's left side-boob, sending a wave of spiritual confusion through her dantian.
She gasped. "What... was that technique?!"
"Harem Path Secret Art: Soft Serve Slap of Submission," Jin whispered, brushing his fingers through his hair.
Lala trembled.
Then sighed.
Then moaned.
Then passed out in a pile of roses and destroyed panties.
"ROUND ONE GOES TO JIN!" the referee cried.
The audience erupted.
Ruoyan clapped reluctantly. "I hate that I'm turned on."
Fairy Ling whispered, "...Can he teach that to my thigh muscles?"
Elder Wu was in the corner, scribbling furiously. "This will make great smut cultivation manuals."
Jin raised his fist. "One down, two to go."
Suddenly, Lady Lala stood up, brushing dust from her cleavage with slow-motion elegance. "You're strong... too strong. But let's see if you can win Round Two—The Duel of Dao Positions!"
The crowd gasped.
Jin blinked. "The what-now?"
Lala grinned. "You must reenact symbolic Dao merging techniques with a partner. Whoever expresses better... harmony of yin and yang wins."
He turned to Ruoyan. "Please."
Ruoyan shook her head. "No. You're too powerful. If I touch you in front of all these people, three sects might declare war."
He turned to Fairy Ling.
She nodded. "Let's go, Daddy Disgrace."
He smiled.
And thus, the stage was set for the most inappropriate cultivation battle ever conceived.
Fairy Ling stepped into the arena like a goddess disguised as a dominatrix, hips swaying in rhythm with fate's dirtiest playlist. Jin wiped imaginary sweat off his brow, already regretting not wearing extra layers—or armor.
"Position yourselves," the referee gulped, voice cracking.
"Which one of the 69 Dao Positions are we doing?" Jin asked, flipping through a suspiciously sticky cultivation manual someone handed him.
Fairy Ling snatched the manual. "Let's start with Position 23—'The Lotus of Flexible Misunderstandings.'"
Jin raised an eyebrow. "Is that the one where I balance you on my knee while channeling Qi through your spine?"
"No. That's Position 19. This one involves a levitation loop, chi spirals, and synchronized moaning."
He blinked. "...Can we skip to that last part?"
Without further ado, the two stood back to back, spinning spiritual Qi around each other in glowing arcs of blue and pink. As their energies intertwined, shapes of various exotic fruits appeared above them—bananas, peaches, suspicious eggplants—making the Sect Elders cough violently.
Fairy Ling arched backwards like a succubus gymnast and whispered, "Feel my internal circulation."
Jin, trying to stay serious, muttered, "I'd like to subscribe to your dantian newsletter."
The technique began. With each synchronized breath, their bodies moved closer. Palms connected. Knees bent. Backs arched. Their Qi resonated so perfectly that some rogue clouds started raining flower petals on the arena.
Then Jin misstepped.
He slipped—right hand accidentally gripping Fairy Ling's butt instead of her waist.
The audience gasped.
Jin turned purple.
Fairy Ling didn't move.
Then she murmured, "You've activated Position 42... The Forbidden Palm of Curvy Enlightenment."
Lightning struck the sky.
Fairy Ling's eyes sparkled with cosmic mischief. "Let's finish this."
She spun around, slapping her thigh into Jin's side. He spun as well, catching her mid-air as they performed what looked like an erotic version of a breakdancing couple attempting spiritual intercourse.
The crowd was in tears.
Some with arousal.
Some with confusion.
One monk passed out with a nosebleed that created a new spiritual vein beneath the arena.
When they landed, Jin had Fairy Ling in a bridal carry, both glowing with overcharged Qi. The earth trembled.
Elder Wu screamed, "He did it! He achieved the Dao of Double Entendres!"
Lady Lala staggered backwards, clearly defeated. "No... impossible... they've ascended past Mortal Flirting Stage…"
"Round Two goes to Jin!" the referee shouted, now openly sobbing into a napkin with "Cultivator Thighs 4 Life" embroidered on it.
Lala collapsed, her spiritual robes dissolving into butterflies out of sheer erotic humiliation.
Then the crowd screamed.
A portal tore open in the sky above.
"OH NO!" yelled Elder Wu. "IT'S THE SECT OF EXPLODING PANTIES!"
A dozen cultivators in flaming lingerie armor descended, riding flying whips, yelling:
"YOU HAVE DISRESPECTED OUR SACRED STYLE—THE BOUNCE THAT SHOOK THE HEAVENS!"
"Who the hell names these sects?" Jin shouted, dodging a whip that exploded into a thousand silk petals and horny curses.
Fairy Ling readied her sword, panting. "You just had to slap her side-boob into enlightenment, didn't you?"
Ruoyan cracked her knuckles. "Time to earn my screen time."
Jin grinned. "System, give me something nuclear!"
[Ding! Activating: Forbidden Move – Pantydropper Palm of Infinite Shame!]
A glowing hand formed above the battlefield, pulsing with humiliating charm energy and echoing with the moans of the spiritually defeated.
Jin jumped into the air, yelling, "Harem Cultivation: Climax Arc!"
BOOOOM.
The entire Sect of Exploding Panties erupted mid-air, their gear shredding itself out of embarrassment. The battlefield smelled like incense, regret, and lavender-scented humiliation.
Everyone went silent.
Then, a slow clap from Elder Wu. "That… was the dumbest, most erotic, most horrifying thing I've ever seen."
He added softly, "Ten out of ten."
Jin landed, shirt torn, hair glowing with post-climax energy. "Ladies," he said, turning toward Ruoyan and Ling, "I think I've earned dinner and maybe a sponge bath."
Fairy Ling sighed. "You're lucky your perversion is at least effective."
Ruoyan grabbed his ear. "And you're going to pay for it. Spiritually."
As they dragged him off, Jin whispered to the heavens, "System, remind me to write a cultivation manual titled Dao of Seduction: 69 Ways to Enlighten With Consent."
[Ding! Already pre-ordered in 43 sects.]