Jin had just gotten used to not waking up with a boner-shaped spiritual flare that triggered alarm talismans. Things were starting to feel normal—well, as normal as life could be when your disciples called you "Master Honk" and your spiritual robes had a buttock motif embroidered by popular demand.
Unfortunately, peace in a xianxia world lasts exactly three hours and two inappropriate dreams.
BOOM!
A crimson flare shot into the sky, shaped unmistakably like… a fist.
A clenched, glowing, veiny fist.
Fairy Ling burst into Jin's room without knocking, which wouldn't have been awkward if Jin wasn't meditating upside down with a silk sheet over his lap and a peach in his mouth. "We have a problem!"
Jin mumbled around the peach. "Please don't be another horny sect."
"Oh, it's worse," she said, hurling a scroll onto his lap. It unrolled with dramatic flair.
"DECLARATION OF WAR – FROM THE EUNUCH FIST ALLIANCE."
Jin spat the peach. "You're fisting kidding me."
Ruoyan entered next, holding a tiny cage. Inside was a talking pigeon with a monocle. "Messenger pigeon brought more intel. The Alliance is real. And pissed."
The bird bowed. "Ahem. Lord Jin, Supreme Carrier of Cheek Qi and Violator of the Sacred Virgin Left Buttock, thou art summoned to duel—nay, to be judged—by Grandmaster Nutless himself!"
Jin looked between them. "Wait. Let's pause for a second. This man... actually calls himself Grandmaster Nutless?"
The pigeon nodded solemnly. "His nuts were taken by destiny. Now he spreads the way of fist and justice."
Fairy Ling was already pouring wine. "This is going to be another horny fight, isn't it?"
"Do they even count as horny if there's no nuts involved?" Jin asked.
Ruoyan sighed. "Either way, the sect's coming. And they've brought the full weight of the Chaste Battalion and the 1000-Fist Virgin Avenger Division."
"Why do I feel like that last one is made entirely of pissed off, unlaid cultivators?"
"You're not wrong," said the pigeon. "Their Qi technique is called 'Blueball Burst Punch.' Very unstable."
---
Hours later, the sect gates stood closed.
Jin stood atop the highest balcony, dressed in his finest robes—ones that glittered mysteriously and featured several silk sashes that just barely hid the "Path of Cheek Enlightenment" embroidery over his ass.
Below, a sea of bald men in white robes marched forward, fists clenched so tightly their knuckles made cracking noises in rhythm. Every one of them wore chastity belts.
Leading them, Grandmaster Nutless. He floated atop a giant steel egg.
"MASTER JIN," the old man's voice boomed, "WE MEET AT LAST. THE DEFILER OF BUTTOCKS. THE SEDUCER OF VIRGIN CULTS. THE MAN WHO MOCKED OUR PATH WITH HIS… HONK-BASED TECHNIQUES."
Jin cupped his hands politely. "Greetings, Master Nutless. Or do you prefer… Elder No-Nads?"
Ruoyan facepalmed.
Fairy Ling giggled. "I'll allow it."
Nutless snarled. "You have corrupted the Yin Dao with lewd Qi. You have created a harem sect so powerful, it threatens the chastity of our entire alliance! You must be cleansed."
"Okay, first of all," Jin said, "I didn't mean to create a harem. It just happened. You slap a few cheeks, save a few women, and next thing you know they're sewing your name into their panties."
"Your arrogance shall be your undoing!" Nutless pointed forward. "Behold! Our strongest technique—THE ONE THOUSAND FISTED FIST!"
Jin squinted. "I feel like that name wasn't run through a focus group."
Suddenly, from the ranks emerged a cultivator with twelve arms and one intense mustache. His robes flew off.
"I am Monk Penetratus! First of the Fisting Formation! Prepare to be morally corrected!"
Jin turned to his system. "Please tell me you've got something."
> [Ding! New Technique Unlocked: Spiritual Palm–Volume 4: Reverse Cow Dao!]
> [Warning: Highly suggestive. May cause spontaneous enlightenment or wardrobe malfunction.]
Jin grinned. "Let's see whose technique hits harder!"
---
The battle began like any other honorable duel: with two grown men screaming and slapping each other mid-air while hundreds of disciples screamed various body-part-based attack names.
"Blueball Barrage!"
"Sacred Cheek Counter!"
"Nutless Palm!"
"Reverse Cow Palm!"
Each strike shook the skies.
Each clash of palm and fist sent ripples through the heavens, some of them vaguely shaped like boobs. By now, three birds had orgasmed mid-flight and crashed into a tree.
Penetratus flew forward with all twelve fists spinning like helicopter blades. "TAKE MY PURITY TORNADO!"
Jin caught the attack between two fingers. "TAKE MY SYSTEM-ENHANCED NUT-TAP!"
He jabbed forward lightly—so fast no one saw it.
But they heard it.
A single tap.
A single ding.
Penetratus froze. His eyes widened. His cultivation reversed.
"MY CORE!" he screamed, spinning backward into a nearby pond.
The water hissed.
Jin stood, hair wild, spiritual robes torn but still somehow fabulous. "WHO'S NEXT?"
Nutless looked horrified. "You've… you've invented the Forbidden Tap! That's supposed to be a myth!"
> [Ding! Achievement unlocked: Tap That! You have defeated a pure-path opponent with one flick. Reward: Golden Jockstrap of the System.]
Jin collapsed to one knee. "System, I'm tired. I didn't sign up for this."
> [Correction. You signed a blood contract.]
Fairy Ling caught him before he fell over. "Dumbass. You won."
Ruoyan shook her head. "Of course he did. He's either going to die from sex or cause a Dao-level scandal."
---
Far away, in the shadows of a mountain…
A cloaked woman watched a crystal orb.
"He grows stronger," she whispered. "And filthier."
"Shall we intervene, mistress?"
The woman nodded. "Prepare the ultimate test."
"What is it?"
She turned.
"The Order of the Sacred Simp. And their leader… Granny MILF."
The battlefield was a smoking wreck of chastity belts, torn white robes, and traumatized pigeons. Jin stood at the center like an exhausted stripper after a 3-day bachelorette party—glitter in his hair, shirt blown open, and an aura that smelled faintly of peach wine and regret.
"Is it over?" he panted, wiping a mix of sweat and spiritual residue off his brow.
The last of the Eunuch Fist Alliance retreated like embarrassed virgins after their first brothel visit—fast, flustered, and still shouting weird slogans like "Clean souls, tight fists!" and "Blessed be the nutless!"
Grandmaster Nutless, however, remained. Hovering solemnly on his steel egg.
"You… are not ordinary," he said, voice raspy. "You wield cheek, charm, and unrestrained Yin like… like a chaos deity of libido!"
"I'm just a humble pervert with a system," Jin replied, adjusting his torn sash to show just enough abs for Fairy Ling to raise an eyebrow.
Nutless looked down at his trembling fists. "In my youth, I too flirted with lust. I touched… a thigh. Once. Bare skin. It haunts me to this day."
Jin nodded seriously. "You poor bastard."
A moment of silence passed. Then Nutless gave a tired sigh. "Very well. You've bested us. The Chaste Way cannot stand against the Cheek Dao."
He descended from his egg with a dramatic swish of robes and handed Jin a scroll sealed with a pink ribbon and a dried plum blossom.
"What's this?"
"A pardon. And a warning. Trouble brews beyond the sect. Dark forces stir, and they're not just after your pants."
"Isn't everyone?" Jin muttered.
Nutless smirked faintly. "Beware the Simp Temple. Beware Granny MILF. And above all, beware your own libido. It will be your greatest strength… and your doom."
And with that, Nutless vanished in a puff of sandalwood-scented smoke, leaving behind a single glowing steel chastity belt that slowly spun and hovered away into the sky like a sexually repressed UFO.
---
That night, the sect partied like a brothel during tax refund season.
Fairy Ling summoned ten barrels of "Peach-Nip Nectar." Ruoyan cooked grilled beast meat laced with aphrodisiac herbs (by accident, she claimed). Disciples danced, sparred, and recited poetry that sounded suspiciously like pickup lines.
Elder Wu even played the guqin topless. Badly.
Jin reclined on a cushion throne with both Ruoyan and Ling draped lazily beside him, one feeding him fruit, the other flicking his ear every time he made a dirty joke.
Which was often.
"You really slapped a man's balls into negative cultivation," Fairy Ling said, sipping wine from his cup and not breaking eye contact.
"I don't know what came over me," Jin murmured. "One second I'm dodging fists, the next the System tells me to flick his soul sack."
Ruoyan leaned in, whispering against his ear. "That's because you're letting your instincts take over. You're becoming one with the Dao of Dirty."
"The Dao of Dirty sounds like something I'd name my autobiography."
Fairy Ling raised an eyebrow. "Too mild. Try From Balls to Immortal: The Cultivator Who Tapped Heaven's Sack."
They all burst into laughter.
And then Jin got serious.
"Kidding aside… Nutless said something. About Granny MILF and the Simp Temple."
Ruoyan tensed. "I've heard the name. They're real. And very powerful."
"How powerful?"
Fairy Ling leaned forward. "Granny MILF is said to have seduced an entire empire's worth of male cultivators. She founded the Simp Temple to hoard their loyalty—and their Qi."
Jin blinked. "Wait. She's... an actual cultivation-level MILF?"
Ruoyan nodded. "And every time someone calls her 'Granny,' she gains power from humiliation."
Jin gasped. "She's powered by kink!?"
"Correct."
Fairy Ling added, "Her most devoted disciple is a virgin sword cultivator named Moanless Sky. His blade cuts down anyone who has ever touched a boob."
Jin turned pale. "I've touched, like, several."
"Then you're on their hit list."
Jin groaned. "Great. First the Nutless Squad, now the Simp Assassins. What's next? The Sect of Thigh Haters?"
A nearby disciple whispered, "Actually, I think that's a sub-sect of the Simps…"
"OF COURSE IT IS!"
He stood up, robe flowing, eyes burning with determination. "No more playing defense. It's time to take the fight to the horny hypocrites!"
"You're going to war?" Ruoyan asked.
"No," Jin said dramatically, "I'm going to recruit. We need our own allies. Our own degenerates. Our own… Harem Heavens Alliance!"
Fairy Ling stood. "I'll alert the Alchemy Tower. The Pill Girls owe you three favors and two orgasms."
Ruoyan smiled. "I'll visit the Beast Tamer Pavilion. The tiger girl from Chapter 7 still purrs when she hears your name."
Jin nodded solemnly. "Then it's settled. Tonight, we party. Tomorrow… we assemble the lewdest cultivators the world has ever known."
He raised his wine gourd.
"To cheeks, boobs, and balance!"
They all shouted, "TO BALANCE!"
---
Far above the clouds, on a floating jade palace shaped like a giant shoe…
Granny MILF opened her eyes. Her cleavage jiggled like a spiritual earthquake. Her laugh echoed through the heavens.
"So… the boy awakens. But can he handle... the MILF Trial of Ten Thousand Teases?"
She licked a lollipop shaped like a soul core and summoned her warriors.
"Send in the Simps."
The night raged on in a drunken haze of spiritual energy, questionable choices, and the kind of laughter that usually preceded arrests. Somewhere between the third round of "Drink or Duel" and Fairy Ling pole-dancing on Elder Wu's guqin stand, Jin found himself dragged by Ruoyan and Ling to the secluded cherry blossom garden behind the sect.
Not for a romantic tryst—well, not just that.
Ruoyan flopped onto a bed of petals, cheeks flushed, eyes glittering like she'd swallowed a handful of spicy spirit pills. "You realize what you did today has already spread across ten provinces, right?"
Fairy Ling leaned against a tree trunk, tugging down her wine-soaked robe just enough to make the moonlight blush. "They're calling you the Cheek Dao Child now. Some say you slapped so hard it caused premature breakthroughs in three virgins."
Jin groaned. "I don't want to be known for slapping testicles into the Dao."
Ruoyan smirked. "Better than being remembered for dying under a merchant cart with your pants down."
"Touche."
Fairy Ling stepped closer, swaying like a seductress on a mission. "You're going to be a target now. Everyone will come for your Qi, your system, your sexy face…"
Jin blinked. "You think I have a sexy face?"
"Don't get cocky."
"I was about to. That's why I asked."
Ruoyan sighed dramatically. "The problem is you don't know when to shut up or cover up."
Jin shrugged, robe already halfway open. "Then train me. In fighting. And… other things."
Fairy Ling's lips curled. "You're lucky we're drunk and bored."
And that's how Jin spent the next few hours undergoing the Harem Heaven Dual-Cultivation Training Technique—which involved a lot of sweating, some questionable positions, and one spiritual explosion that lit up the night sky like a premature firework.
Somewhere deep in the sect, Elder Wu rolled over in his sleep and muttered, "They better not be defiling the plum garden again…"
---
By morning, Jin woke up tangled in limbs, petals, and spiritual residue.
His system dinged.
[Ding! Congratulations! You have gained +3 Yin Essence, +1 Pillow Technique, and +10 Resistance to Seduction.]
He sat up groggily. "Only +10? That was like five hours of… whatever that was."
[System Tip: You still moaned twice when Fairy Ling licked your spiritual meridian.]
"Shut up, snitch."
Ruoyan was already stretching like a lazy cat, her white robe scandalously misplaced, exposing a generous curve of thigh. "Awake already? We need to get going. Ling arranged a meeting with some potential recruits."
Fairy Ling was upside down on a tree branch, sipping from a bottle and reading a scroll titled Forbidden Techniques of the Flirt Cultivator. "First step to forming a Harem Heaven Alliance? Get the hottest, craziest, most unstable people on your team."
Jin cracked his neck. "Sounds like a plan. Who's first?"
Ling tossed him a jade slip. "The Drunken Blade Twins. They run the Brothel Sect in the city of Jade Slaps."
Jin blinked. "...There's a whole city named Jade Slaps?"
Ruoyan explained, "Famous for its brothels, bars, and booty-shaped architecture. You'll love it."
"And the Drunken Blade Twins?"
"Two sisters. One's a saber cultivator who drinks wine from her cleavage. The other's a sword cultivator who only attacks if you insult her fashion."
Jin stood up, already excited. "I think I'm in love."
"You said that about the tiger girl last week," Ruoyan muttered.
"And I stand by it."
Ling flipped gracefully down. "Then let's go shopping. You'll need new robes if we're going to impress the Brothel Sect."
"Do I have to wear pants?"
"Yes," both girls said flatly.
"Just checking."
---
As they left the sect gates, Jin looked back one last time. The Plum Blossom Sect was quiet again. The training arena still smoked slightly from his last fight. A few disciples were sweeping up broken chastity belts.
Peaceful.
But he knew it wouldn't last.
Somewhere out there, the Simp Temple was watching. Granny MILF was plotting. Virginblade Sky was sharpening his sword with the tears of the impure.
And Jin?
He was building an army of degenerates, flirts, and divine-level honeys.
Because the Harem Heavens War was about to begin.
And he was going to win it with flair, fists, and as much cleavage as the heavens would allow.