Morning in the Xuanjing Outer Sect usually started with peaceful chanting, mild perversion, and an argument about whose chicken stole whose spirit herbs. But today, it began with an explosion, followed by a sexy scream and a confused donkey bray echoing through the valley.
Jin sat bolt upright on his not-so-comfy cultivation bed—his morning wood activated, system pinging like it was on Red Bull, and a certain Fairy snoring across his lap.
"Fairy Ling, wake up! Something just blew up—probably not your ego, this time!"
Fairy Ling mumbled, "Mmm, five more minutes and one more spanking…"
Before Jin could figure out if that was a dream or a suggestion, the sect-wide emergency alarm sounded. Elder Wu's voice, amplified via Sect Rooster, screeched across the compound like a chicken being mugged.
"ATTENTION! We are under attack by the Virgin Slayers Sect! This is NOT a drill! Also, if anyone sees my dentures, return them to my beard immediately!"
Jin blinked. "Virgin… what?"
Ruoyan kicked down the door in full combat gear, dressed like a goddess who'd read too many wuxia smut novels. "Let's go! They're real! And they're horny!"
"Wait, who?" Jin asked, half-dressed.
"THE VIRGIN SLAYERS!" she snapped. "They're a rogue sect of all-female cultivators who believe that taking a man's yang essence boosts their power exponentially. Their motto is literally: 'Screw to Ascend!'"
Jin's system pinged:
> [Alert! Major Threat Detected: Virgin Slayers Sect Invasion – Warning: This may cause sudden loss of innocence and pants.]
Fairy Ling rolled over lazily. "Y'all acting like this is a threat. Sounds like a Tuesday night."
---
Jin barely had time to throw on pants before the ground shook with the arrival of the attackers. From the skies descended dozens of female cultivators in revealing battle gear—half armor, half lingerie, all violence.
The leader of the Virgin Slayers floated above them, her curves defying gravity, her sword glowing with pink flames.
"I AM MISTRESS CHUNXIA! FIRST ELDER OF THE VIRGIN SLAYERS! WE HAVE COME FOR THE SACRED YANG VESSEL!"
Everyone turned to Jin.
He pointed to himself. "You mean me?!"
Mistress Chunxia grinned. "You possess the legendary System Root. Your yang essence is said to be strong enough to impregnate a tree and birth a new Dao!"
Jin screamed. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO EAT NOODLES THIS MORNING!"
Ruoyan stepped in front of him, sword blazing. "If you want him, you'll have to go through me!"
Fairy Ling stood beside her, yawning. "Yeah, I'm not sharing my favorite toy with a cult."
Elder Wu finally arrived on his spirit goat, carrying a staff, a wine gourd, and a scroll labeled Cult Takedown for Dummies. "Alright ladies, calm your hormonal halos! This is a respectable sect, not a reverse harem waiting room!"
Chunxia licked her lips. "That's where you're wrong, old man. Today… we play!"
---
What followed could only be described as the wildest battle ever fought with equal parts martial arts, suggestive moaning, and strategic clothing removal.
Jin ducked a whip made entirely of enchanted silk panties and barely dodged a cleavage-powered palm strike. "This is the weirdest dream I've ever had and I once kissed a broccoli in a hot spring!"
Ruoyan chopped through a trio of horny assassins. "Jin! Run! They're targeting your pants!"
Fairy Ling unleashed her most dangerous move: Heavenly Lipstick Flame, setting one attacker's bra on fire. "You touch him, you die horny!"
The Virgin Slayers retaliated with seductive techniques like Lustful Gaze Immobilization and Reverse Cowgirl Crescent Kick—deadly moves that made even Elder Wu blush like a schoolboy seeing ankles for the first time.
Jin's system pinged again:
> [Ding! You have learned: Evasion Technique – Slippery Sausage Shadow Step! Escape chance: 69%. Success feels illegal.]
"I'LL TAKE IT!"
He activated it and turned into a literal blur of panicked dignity, slipping out of a bear hug and dodging a grappling move called "Double Lotus Lockdown".
As things escalated into near-R-rated chaos, Ruoyan cornered Chunxia. "This ends now, you sex-crazed Tao Barbie!"
Chunxia smirked. "You're just jealous your man's yang is overflowing and you've yet to fully ride the dragon."
Ruoyan's sword burst into flames. "Oh honey, I own that dragon. You just got the tail end of his aura!"
From behind them, Jin tripped over a goat and landed face-first in someone's cleavage. "I want to go back to being a broke office clerk!"
The goat bleated helpfully.
Jin burst out of a bush, breath ragged, pants ripped at the thigh, one sock missing, and his hair looking like it had been through an orgy and a tornado in quick succession. He turned to look behind him—three Virgin Slayer disciples hot on his heels, all moaning disturbingly like they were chasing a limited-time discount on premium dildos.
"System! Any ideas?! I'm not even a full Core Condensation yet—I can't handle this much… enthusiasm!"
> [Ding! New Skill Unlocked: Seduction Shenanigans – Passive Effect: Women will believe whatever flirty nonsense you say, as long as you keep eye contact and smirk like a douchebag.]
Jin spun mid-run, dropped into a half-squat pose like a romance novel cover model, and whispered, "Ladies… you don't want all this yang too fast. What if it explodes? On your face?"
The three Virgin Slayers froze, pupils dilating, a few blushing violently. One whispered, "He's dangerous…"
The other moaned, "I want him to explode on my—"
"ENOUGH!" Chunxia descended with a snap of her thong-blade. "Stop playing with your food! Our ritual requires the full extraction of System Yang—do NOT let your ovaries get in the way!"
One of her subordinates pouted. "But Mistress, he winked…"
Jin saw his opening and bolted again, passing a stunned Elder Wu hiding in a tree, munching popcorn. "Good luck, kid. This reminds me of my fourth marriage. And my fifth divorce."
Ruoyan and Fairy Ling finally caught up to Jin in a clearing, both panting from battle and from chasing Jin around the sect.
"Jin!" Ruoyan said, furious. "Why are your pants almost gone?!"
Fairy Ling looked smug. "Technically, I was the last one to touch them."
Jin wiped sweat from his forehead. "I'm being chased by a literal sex cult! One of them tried to mount me like I was a spirit beast in heat!"
Fairy Ling frowned. "Were they at least hot?"
"Fairy Ling!"
"What? I want to know my competition!"
Before Ruoyan could slap her, Chunxia's voice thundered again. "Surrender, System Vessel, and I promise you a night that would make the Heavenly Dao beg for forgiveness!"
"I DON'T EVEN HAVE INSURANCE FOR THIS!" Jin screamed.
Suddenly, another system ping saved the day:
> [Emergency Defensive Protocol: Activating Forbidden Art – Virgin Slayer Counterscript: Harem King's Last Stand!]
"What?! That sounds made-up!"
> [It is. But it's also dramatic.]
Jin's body surged with rainbow Qi, his clothes shimmering into a silk robe that screamed "Male Lead With Too Many Women Problems." His hair fluffed into slow-motion waves, his eyes gleamed like he'd just walked out of a forbidden bed chamber, and a golden aura pulsed from his lower abdomen.
Chunxia's group skidded to a halt. "It's him… the true Protagonist…"
"His Yang... it's cultivated beyond reason!"
"He smells like plot armor and musk!"
Jin didn't know what the hell he was doing, but he raised a finger and spoke like a pompous playboy emperor:
"You want my yang? You'll have to defeat my wives in combat… or in bed. Either way, good luck surviving."
Ruoyan blinked. "...We're his what now?"
Fairy Ling chuckled. "Guess we're married now. I'll draw up the prenup."
Then, the showdown began.
---
One by one, the Virgin Slayers launched themselves at Jin, only to be intercepted by Ruoyan's sword, Fairy Ling's explosive alchemy-enhanced lipstick grenades, and a sudden ambush by Elder Wu's goat, which seemed to have a personal vendetta against sexy cultists.
Chunxia grew increasingly frustrated. "Enough games! We shall initiate our final move—The Lotus Overload Ritual!"
Jin watched as her disciples began to chant, forming a circle, glowing with pink and red energy. "This is bad. Like 'chapter-ending cliffhanger' bad."
> [Ding! Emergency Countermeasure Suggestion: Invoke "The Slap of Destiny: Second Cheek Awakens!"]
Jin's hand glowed.
"Oh no. Not again…"
He turned, charged through the field, dodging cleavage traps and seductive leg sweeps, and with a mighty leap, delivered a slap so powerful, so divine, it echoed like a thunderclap across the valley.
WHHHHAAAAAAPPPPP!!!
It landed squarely on Chunxia's left butt cheek.
She stopped chanting.
Everyone stopped moving.
Even the birds paused mid-flight.
Chunxia slowly turned her head, face flushed, voice trembling. "You… touched my sacred left moon…"
Jin said, "You were trying to suck out my soul through my nuts. Let's call it even."
And then, she moaned.
Like, actually moaned. Loud. With spiritual reverb.
The Virgin Slayers all dropped to their knees in stunned arousal.
One of them whispered, "I felt that in my ovaries."
Another screamed, "I've been converted! Take me, System Daddy!"
Jin took a step back. "NOPE. I'm not ready to be a cult leader!"
Fairy Ling blinked. "You just turned an entire enemy sect into your fangirls."
Ruoyan sighed. "You absolute walking erection of chaos."
Chunxia fell to her knees. "Master Jin… teach me… the Way of the Slap…"
Elder Wu dropped his popcorn. "...Well, shit."
Jin stood in the middle of a field of chaos, surrounded by moaning women, torn robes, spilled perfume, and one goat eating someone's hair. He blinked. Then blinked again. His hand still tingled from the Slap of Destiny. His robes fluttered heroically in a breeze that may or may not have come from Chunxia's heavy breathing.
"System," he whispered, "am I… the bad guy now?"
> [Ding! Unclear. But your slap just awakened five suppressed fetishes and created a new cultivation subsect called the Path of Cheek Enlightenment.]
"Cheek... what now?"
> [You have 48 new follower requests. One of them offered spiritual panties as tribute.]
Jin dropped to his knees, hands to the heavens. "I didn't ask for this! I just wanted to cultivate, slap some arrogant young masters, get laid in a consensual and ego-boosting manner, and maybe own a noodle shop!"
"Master Jin…" Chunxia crawled toward him, her pupils heart-shaped, her breath hot enough to evaporate snow. "Teach me your secrets. Your technique is the missing half of our Yin Dao."
"Woman, your cult tried to milk me like a cow on aphrodisiac steroids!"
She smiled dreamily. "Yes. And I still want to."
Fairy Ling rolled her eyes. "Can we kill her or at least tase her? She's making me look demure."
Ruoyan was sharpening her sword on a rock, muttering, "One more moan and I castrate someone. I don't even care who."
Just then, an urgent boing sounded from Jin's robes.
He froze. "Please tell me that's the System."
> [Ding! It is. But you should also address the rather obvious tent in your pants. Local sect law prohibits unregulated erections within public combat arenas.]
"Good to know!"
Before things could spiral into full soft-core chaos, Elder Wu descended from his tree throne, robes fluttering like a drunk pigeon. "Alright, sex maniacs and accidental cult leaders! This is officially now a diplomatic incident!"
"Diplomatic?!" Jin yelled. "They tried to reverse-engineer my nuts into a sacred artifact!"
Wu shrugged. "Still counts. They didn't technically injure you. They just… threatened intense snu-snu."
Chunxia stood, bowed like a proper sect leader—barely covered and breathless. "The Virgin Slayers Sect surrenders… to his authority."
She pointed at Jin's crotch.
Jin backed up like she was a lightning tribulation. "Don't point at my authority!"
Ruoyan growled. "Do we have to keep her?"
Fairy Ling sighed. "Honestly, I kind of like her. She's like if your crazy aunt ran a brothel and trained ninja nuns."
Wu clapped. "By the power vested in me as the most confused elder in this entire sect, I hereby declare this conflict resolved! The Virgin Slayers Sect shall become a subsidiary sect under the Heavenly Unity Sect!"
Chunxia bowed deeper. "Only if Master Jin becomes our spiritual instructor in the Path of Cheek Enlightenment."
Jin facepalmed. "I don't even know what that is!"
> [Ding! Congratulations! You have founded a unique sub-sect: The Harem of Holy Hands. Primary doctrine: physical touch is divine if delivered with flair.]
> [You've also received a gift box: "Beginner Harem Leader Kit." Contains: 1 silk fan, 3 suggestive scrolls, and a mandatory safety pamphlet about pregnancy techniques.]
"System, I need a refund on reality," Jin muttered.
---
Later that night, after Chunxia and her minions had been given guest quarters (under strict surveillance and reinforced chastity arrays), Jin sat in the sect library, trying to calm his spiraling brain.
Fairy Ling appeared, dropping beside him with a bottle of spiritual peach wine. "You okay, Daddy Dearest?"
"Don't call me that while I'm reading about Daoist birth control."
She sipped. "You're a cult leader now. Accidentally. But still."
Jin sighed. "First I got reincarnated into a world of power levels and boobs. Then I got a System that randomly gives me perverted powers. Now I've slap-converted a sex sect into horny disciples and everyone thinks I'm some kind of harem god."
"Would you prefer being powerless, ugly, and alone again?"
Jin blinked. "...No."
"Then shut up and drink."
He took a swig. It burned. Not unpleasantly.
Ruoyan entered next, arms crossed. "So. We're just… letting this happen?"
Fairy Ling raised her cup. "Cheers to cult conversion via ass slapping!"
"Unbelievable," Ruoyan muttered. "You're both insane."
Jin raised his hands. "Look, I'm just trying to survive. And maybe touch a boob now and then with consent and ceremony."
Ruoyan looked at him. "You saved the sect. Again. So fine. Just keep your pants on. Or at least try."
Fairy Ling leaned back. "You know this means war with other sects, right? Now that you've claimed the Virgin Slayers as your own, the Eunuch Fist Alliance and the Chastity Blade Temple will retaliate."
"Wait," Jin said slowly. "Did you say… Eunuch Fist Alliance?"
"Oh yeah," Ling grinned. "Their leader is called Grandmaster Nutless."
Jin took another swig. "I'm gonna need more wine."
---
Meanwhile, deep in a black mountain range…
A man with glowing eyes sneered at the scroll in his hands. "So… the System Vessel has emerged. And he dares slap Chunxia's left buttock? How lewd. How disgraceful."
He cracked his knuckles.
"Gather the commanders of the Celestial Crotch Eradication Sect. It's time we neuter a legend."