Jin groaned as he rolled over, his body tangled in three silk blankets, two unconscious women, and one very aggressive spirit fox that had curled itself around his leg like a particularly clingy ex-girlfriend.
"What time is it…?" he muttered, wiping drool from his mouth as Ruoyan's thigh slid off his chest like a divine noodle. "And why does everything smell like peach wine and disappointment?"
[System Notification: Congratulations! You have unlocked the passive skill: Harem Recovery Mode. While sleeping with multiple beautiful women, you regenerate spiritual energy 200% faster. Caution: may cause dehydration and smugness.]
Jin sat upright, instantly alert. "System! You sneaky bastard. That's the best skill you've ever given me!"
[Side Effect: You also wake up every morning with a cultivation-grade boner that can punch through low-grade iron.]
"…Noted," he said, eyeing a bent incense holder nearby.
The door burst open without warning, and Fairy Ling strode in, not even flinching at the sight of his morning 'Sword of Rising Yang.'
"Jin, get your pants on," she said, completely unfazed. "You've got a new trial."
"Already? Can I at least get some spiritual coffee?"
"No time. Elder Wu's organized something special. Something… mature."
"Mature?" Jin blinked. "Like taxes?"
"Worse. You're going undercover at the Jade Lotus Pavilion."
Jin froze. "That's not a sect… that's a brothel!"
"Correction," Fairy Ling said, tossing him a crimson robe with gold embroidery, "It's a high-class spiritual entertainment institute that doubles as an intelligence hub."
"Sounds like a sexier CIA," Jin muttered, standing up and throwing on the robe. "Do I get a codename?"
"Yeah," Ling said. "You're now Agent Cockroach."
"…That's not sexy at all."
"Too bad. You're the only man dumb enough to pull this off without actually exploding from nosebleeds."
Jin sighed, adjusted his robes, and slipped into his boots. "Do I at least get a magical gadget?"
Fairy Ling smirked and handed him a tiny golden ring. "This will suppress your cultivation and make you seem harmless."
"Wow," Jin said, slipping it on. "It's just like real life."
Fairy Ling opened a teleportation scroll and activated it with a single clap. "You're expected to flirt, eavesdrop, and not stick your spirit sword into anything you can't afford. Good luck."
Before he could complain, the world swirled into a blur of light and spiritual turbulence.
Then—boom—he was standing in front of the Jade Lotus Pavilion.
And the place looked like the heavens had taken Viagra and painted a building out of seductive sin.
Twin statues of divine fox spirits framed the entrance, both of them winking. The walls pulsed with soft pink Qi, and floating lanterns shaped like peaches bobbed through the air, humming lewd lullabies.
A sultry voice called from within: "Welcome… to heaven."
Jin took a deep breath and stepped inside.
---
Inside the Pavilion
He was greeted by a stunning woman with nine tails and a smile that said she'd ruin you lovingly and leave you financially ruined but spiritually awakened.
"You must be… our new guest," she purred, her voice laced with illusions. "I'm Madam Xiaohua, mistress of the Jade Lotus Pavilion."
"I'm here for a... cultural exchange," Jin said, trying to sound scholarly.
"Oh, don't worry," she smiled. "We specialize in deep cultural exchanges here."
She clapped, and the room shifted. Walls folded like fans, revealing a massive central hall filled with spirit courtesans practicing various arts: zither playing, Qi-infused painting, interpretive pole dancing (with actual spirit poles), and one terrifyingly flexible woman bending herself into a lotus while reciting Daoist scripture backward.
Jin's brain shut down for a second.
Madam Xiaohua gestured to a seat cushioned with phoenix feathers. "Relax, young master. Tonight is your trial. You must resist the temptations of flesh, flirt without falling, and uncover which of my girls is leaking sect secrets to outsiders."
"…Is it the one currently drawing me in charcoal with hearts around my abs?"
"That's her hobby," Madam Xiaohua said. "She's not the spy. But she is into you. Don't fall for her, though—she's got attachment issues. Literally. She once stuck to a man for seven days."
Jin sat down and muttered to himself, "System, I need help."
[Ding! Activating Passive Skill: Divine Flirtation Aura – Level 1. Women will be 17% more flustered by you. Beware of side effects, including spontaneous groping and romantic misunderstandings.]
"…This is either going to be awesome or end with me locked in a closet again."
---
Round One: The Wine of Truth
A tall courtesan approached him, dressed in translucent silk and carrying a tray of glowing pink wine.
"First test," she whispered, sitting on his lap like it was her throne. "Drink the Wine of Truth. If you lie, you'll pass out. If you tell the truth, you may pass… or embarrass yourself eternally."
Jin took a sip and felt the wine race through his meridians like gossip in a sect courtyard.
"What's your deepest desire?" she asked, brushing his chest with a single finger.
"To live a lazy life surrounded by beautiful women who adore me and make me food while I occasionally cultivate enough to impress people."
The wine glowed.
"Correct," the woman giggled. "Now… what's your most shameful moment?"
"I once tried to practice palm technique with a melon because I misread 'Pervert's Palm Art' as 'Perfect Palm Grip'…"
The entire room went silent.
Then someone laughed so hard they fell off a spirit pole.
Madam Xiaohua, watching from a distance, clapped slowly. "Honest. Shameless. I like it. He passes."
Jin wiped his mouth. "Thank you. I think my ego just left my body."
The courtesan kissed his cheek and whispered, "You're cute. But watch your melon usage."
Jin tried to recompose himself as the courtesan on his lap sauntered away, hips swaying like twin waves in a storm of seduction. She blew him a kiss that hit him with enough charm energy to make a lesser cultivator combust on the spot.
[System Warning: Charm Resistance at 42%. Suggest activation of Anti-Horny Defense Protocol.]
"Not yet," Jin whispered, wiping sweat from his brow. "Let's see where this goes first…"
A fanfare of bells rang from above as a voice echoed through the hall.
"Round Two! The Art of Verbal Foreplay!"
Jin blinked. "Excuse me—what now?"
From behind a beaded curtain emerged his next challenge: three courtesans known as the Triple Tongue Trio. Jin swore the air thickened just from their entrance, and not just because of their extremely exposed robes, which seemed to be doing less covering and more gentle suggestion.
"We shall test your ability to tease and be teased," the one in red purred.
"The rules are simple," the one in blue added, circling him like a shark with cleavage.
"You must flirt without blushing, stammering, or becoming too excited," said the one in green, eyeing his waistband with a smirk.
"And what happens if I fail?" Jin asked, already adjusting his posture.
"You get tied up and tickled with a spirit feather until you beg for mercy," the red one said.
"…That sounds like a punishment, but also possibly a very expensive hobby," Jin muttered.
[System Alert: Activating Passive Ability – Shameless Banter Lv. MAX.]
The red courtesan leaned in close. "Tell us, handsome. What do you do when a girl says she's cold?"
"I warm her up with my Fire Essence, of course," Jin said, casually tossing a wink.
"Oooh," the blue one cooed. "And if she says she's lonely?"
"I let her pet my spirit beast until she forgets her troubles."
The green one leaned in so close her breath tickled his ear. "And what if she says she's... wet?"
Jin didn't flinch. "I make sure the sheets match the storm."
A collective gasp ran through the room.
[System Notification: You have successfully out-teased the Triple Tongue Trio. New Title Acquired: Tongue of Immortal Fire.]
Madam Xiaohua, watching from her divan while being massaged by a panda spirit, smirked. "He's good. Dangerously good."
One of the girls whispered, "I want him to warm my meridians…"
Another responded, "I want to polish his… soul core."
Jin stood, brushed off his robe, and flicked his fan open for dramatic flair. "Ladies, please. My core can only be stroked one at a time."
---
Round Three: The Finger of Fate
Before he could sit down again, the air shifted. The music died. The lights dimmed.
An elder courtesan descended the staircase, her presence heavy with cultivation and seduction. She wore black silk that sparkled like the night sky, and her gaze alone could strip the ego from a Nascent Soul cultivator.
"Jin Long," she said, her voice like honey dipped in fire. "You have passed the tests of truth and tease. Now comes the Final Finger."
"…That sounds either very erotic or incredibly painful."
"It's both," she smiled. "The Finger of Fate is an ancient brothel technique. One touch to a man's forehead, and his deepest desire is revealed to everyone present."
Jin's blood ran cold. "Everyone?"
"Yes. Even the guy sweeping in the corner."
Jin turned. The janitor waved at him cheerfully.
He gulped.
Madam Xiaohua raised an eyebrow. "Do you accept, or shall we consider you… unable to perform?"
Jin cracked his knuckles. "Please. I've performed under worse conditions. Once had a panic attack mid-kiss and still made it to second base."
The elder courtesan glided up to him and placed a single glowing finger on his forehead.
For a moment, nothing happened.
Then—BOOM!
A massive illusion burst into existence above him.
It showed Jin reclining in a heavenly courtyard, surrounded by his harem—Ruoyan feeding him grapes with her toes, Fairy Ling reading Daoist smut to him aloud, and the other girls taking turns oiling his chest with cultivation balm while laughing at his jokes.
In the distance, enemies exploded automatically as the words "LAZY SYSTEM-POWERED IMMORTAL KING" floated overhead.
There was also a side note: P.S. Has a 9-dragon-rated soul rod.
The entire brothel went quiet.
Then someone clapped slowly.
Then everyone applauded.
Even the janitor dropped his broom and gave him a thumbs up.
"Your desire… is strangely wholesome, deeply degenerate, and mildly inspirational," the elder courtesan said. "You pass."
Jin looked around, dazed. "Did I just… win a brothel?"
"No," Madam Xiaohua said, walking over, "but you've won my respect. And that means you've earned something rare—access to our secret intelligence scrolls. And also… a coupon for one free night in our 'Immortal Jacuzzi of Infinite Hands.'"
Jin blinked. "...How many hands are we talking?"
She leaned in. "Enough to make even your system nervous."
[System Alert: We are not responsible for spiritual overexcitement or enlightenment via butt massage.]
---
Mission Complete
Later that night, Jin sat under the moonlight on the brothel's rooftop, sipping peach wine and reading the intelligence scrolls he'd won.
Names. Locations. Lists of traitors, spies, and alchemists who mixed aphrodisiacs into healing pills.
"Looks like someone's been smuggling information to the Black Lotus Sect," he muttered. "That explains the attack on the auction house."
Ruoyan landed beside him in a flutter of pink Qi.
"Enjoy your 'trial?'" she asked.
"Learned a lot. Mostly about my own tolerance for verbal kink and magical feathers."
She rolled her eyes and sat next to him. "So, what's next?"
Jin smiled, raising his wine cup. "We follow the leads… and maybe take a bath in that jacuzzi of hands."
Ruoyan smirked. "Only if I get to supervise."
Jin looked at her, then at the moon, then back at her thigh.
"I accept those terms."
[System Notification: Side Quest Unlocked – Hot Tub Diplomacy: Soak Now, Investigate Later.]
The next morning arrived with all the grace of a spiritual hangover.
Jin stumbled out of the Immortal Jacuzzi of Infinite Hands looking like he'd been blessed, massaged, mildly violated, and gently exfoliated by a dozen invisible masseuses.
[System Warning: Internal Qi may be slightly over-lubricated.]
"Was that enlightenment?" he asked the sky.
"You drooled and giggled for four hours," Ruoyan replied, sipping tea like she hadn't just spent the night meditating two feet away from a room full of moaning echo spirits.
"It was very educational," Jin said solemnly, stretching like a cat who'd just found religion. "I saw my past lives. One of them was a carrot. A very satisfied carrot."
Ruoyan facepalmed. "We have to go. Madam Xiaohua left a note. There's a contact we need to meet in the Red Lotus District."
"Do I get to wear pants this time?"
"Only if you can find them."
Jin looked down. "Oh… right. Still missing."
—
The Red Lotus District was unlike any other place in the city. It was the part of town where respectable cultivators claimed they never visited, yet somehow knew exactly where the best street noodles and thigh-based massages were sold.
The streets were a mix of incense smoke, flirtatious whispers, and more thigh-high slits than a fashion show hosted by perverts. Jin and Ruoyan walked through with their robes pulled up and spiritual defenses on.
"This place reeks of pleasure Qi," Ruoyan muttered, wrinkling her nose.
"Pleasure Qi is just Yin Qi with a good marketing team," Jin said. "Embrace the vibe."
"I swear if something tries to sell me a vibrating gourd again—"
A vendor popped up. "Hello, sir! Would your lady friend be interested in our vibrating gour—"
Ruoyan punched the cart into another dimension.
"No," she said, walking on.
Jin nodded approvingly. "That's why she's wifey material."
They arrived at a teahouse called The Slippery Lotus. Its sign wiggled every time the wind blew. Probably on purpose.
Inside, a figure sat in a private booth, veiled in shadows and surrounded by scrolls.
"You're the System Cultivator," the figure said. The voice was low, sultry, and held an accent that suggested this person knew at least three ways to kill a man with a fan and still look fabulous.
"I might be," Jin said. "Depends on whether you're here to flirt, fight, or feed me information."
"I'm here to offer a deal. There's someone powerful infiltrating the sects, someone tied to the Black Lotus Sect's rise. A cultivator who's developed a new technique—one that fuses charm, poison, and shadow Qi. They call it... the Velvet Venom Art."
"That sounds like a stripper move," Jin said. "But okay, continue."
"The user leaves no traces. Only moaning bodies and faded memories."
"That definitely sounds like a stripper move."
Ruoyan crossed her arms. "What's the catch?"
The informant leaned forward. "They're planning something at the Heavenly Jade Tournament. You'll need to enter."
Jin groaned. "Of course. It's always a tournament arc. Can't we just break into a villain's lair like normal degenerates?"
"No. You'll need allies. Power. And… discretion."
"Discretion?" Jin smirked. "I once snuck out of a duchess's bed while wearing her husband's shoes and feeding her cat spiritual jelly. I'm the definition of discretion."
"Debatable," Ruoyan said.
The informant tossed a scroll on the table. "Inside is a list of targets, participants, and… weaknesses."
Jin opened it and immediately raised a brow.
"Wait, this guy's weakness is 'ticklish ears'? And this one—'easily seduced by pastry chefs'?"
"It's a very thorough list."
"I'm starting to like you," Jin said. "What's your name?"
The informant stood. The veil slipped slightly, revealing glossy red lips and eyes that sparkled like forbidden treasure.
"Call me… Scarlet. And don't forget—beware the man with no scent. He's the true enemy."
Then she vanished in a cloud of perfume and sequins.
Jin turned to Ruoyan. "Am I allowed to be scared and turned on at the same time?"
"No. But you will anyway."
[System Update: Main Quest Progression Unlocked – Tournament of Thighs and Lies.]
—
Back at the sect, things were already heating up. Posters for the Heavenly Jade Tournament were everywhere. Students trained feverishly, elders placed bets, and spirit beasts were being force-fed protein pills.
Jin returned to his quarters to find a surprise.
"FAIRY LING!" he yelped.
She was lounging in his bed, reading a scroll upside down and eating grapes she was definitely stealing from his stash.
"Hey, roomie. Thought I'd move in since your place has better lighting and more natural wood vibrations."
"…You mean the bed frame?"
"No, I mean you."
Jin blinked. "You came here to flirt?"
"Flirt, train, and help you survive the tournament. The Sect Master wants you to win. I want you to not die. And also… I'm curious about this 'Twin Peak Qi' rumor going around."
"That rumor is wildly exaggerated!"
"Perfect. I love a good underdog story."
[System Alert: Fairy Ling has temporarily joined your party. Buffs applied:
+20% Seduction Resistance
+10% Flirt Damage
+15% Awkward Boner Suppression.]
Ruoyan walked in, saw Fairy Ling in his bed, and sighed.
"Let me guess. Tournament arc?"
Fairy Ling nodded. "And harem expansion."
Ruoyan pinched her nose. "I need stronger tea."
—
That night, Jin stood atop the training cliff, looking out at the full moon.
"Tournament of Thighs and Lies, huh?" he whispered. "Guess it's time to step it up."
A breeze ruffled his robe.
He looked at the moon, then at the list of enemies, then at the section labeled "Preferred Seduction Weaknesses."
"I'm gonna need a sexier fan technique…"
[System Update: New Skill Available – Flirty Palm Style: Waist Grab Heaven.
Would you like to learn this technique? Y/N]
Jin grinned. "Oh yes. Let the games begin."