The sun had barely risen, but Jin was already awake—and not by choice. His system alarm had gone off like a demonic rooster with a grudge.
[Ding! Wake up, host. You're late for your mandatory Morning Moan Meditation. Skipping will result in reduced Yin Energy and severe blue balls.]
"What the hell…" Jin groaned, face buried in Ruoyan's shoulder. "System, why does everything I do sound like a euphemism for public indecency?"
[Correction: only 87% of things.]
He sat up, reluctantly pulling himself from the warm embrace of his cultivation partner. Ruoyan, still half-asleep, muttered, "If this is about you needing to 'charge your Yang essence' again, I swear I'll shave your dantian bald."
"It's official cultivation now!" Jin argued. "The system says so."
"Uh-huh." She rolled over, pulling the blanket. "And I suppose your Qi bursts just happen to explode in the direction of my cleavage by coincidence."
He smiled innocently. "Cosmic fate."
Downstairs, Fairy Ling had already brewed tea using her Pink Lotus Bodily Steam Technique. It smelled like heaven but somehow made everyone blush and slightly dehydrated.
"Drink up, boys," she purred, offering a steaming cup. "It's good for stamina and... swelling."
"Swelling?" Jin asked, cautiously sniffing it.
Fairy Ling winked. "In all the right meridians."
Elder Wu choked on his tofu bun.
Just as Jin took a sip and felt his third leg spontaneously awaken, the sect's loudspeaker talisman crackled to life.
"Attention! The Inner Sect Trials will begin in two hours. All disciples who think they're hot shit, please report to the Fighting Pagoda. Dress code: optional. Dignity: not required."
Jin blinked. "Did I just hear that right?"
"Sounds about right," Fairy Ling said. "The sect master got into wine again. Last time he tried to invent a technique called 'Nine Inch Heavenly Rod' and broke his spine mid-demonstration."
"Respect," Jin muttered.
Ruoyan reappeared, dressed in sleek crimson battle robes that somehow managed to be both regal and one good gust away from indecent exposure. "Let's go, Casanova. Time to prove you're not just all mouth."
"Please," Jin smirked. "I'm at least 60% hands."
As they walked toward the Fighting Pagoda, Jin couldn't help but notice the sudden crowd forming around him. Whispers followed him like a cheap cologne.
"That's the guy who used Pervert's Palm to defeat Tianbao!"
"He made a Qi pillar that played flute music!"
"Did you hear his cultivation style is called Honk of Heaven?"
Jin turned to Ruoyan. "You know, I never thought I'd become a famous cultivator because of butt slaps and breast techniques."
She patted his shoulder. "We're proud of you. Just… in a very confused way."
At the pagoda gates, they were met by the head referee: Granny Mei, a 90-year-old fireball with no patience and a sharp tongue that could skin a dragon.
"Welcome, you little hormone-fueled disasters. This year's Inner Sect Trial will include combat, trap survival, alchemical sabotage, and—because I lost a bet—seduction immunity training."
"Wait," Jin blinked. "What's that last one?"
Granny Mei pointed at a large black curtain.
"Behind that curtain is the ultimate test of discipline: the Cultivation Courtesans. Your job is to walk through without losing control of your Qi. If your pants drop or your nose bleeds, you fail."
Fairy Ling leaned in. "Oh, this'll be good."
Ruoyan cracked her knuckles. "He better not flinch."
Jin gulped. "This is entrapment…"
[System Warning: This is a test of mental fortitude and pants resilience.]
"Fine," he sighed, stepping toward the curtain. "Time to face my greatest foe yet… skilled foreplay."
He took a deep breath and entered the curtain—
—and was immediately greeted by silk-clad cultivators of both genders, radiating charm like heat lamps. One whispered in his ear, "Care for some Dual Cultivation Enlightenment, big boy?"
Another slid up behind him. "Want me to polish your jade staff?"
[Alert! Yang energy unstable! Danger of premature breakthrough!]
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Jin screamed, biting his lip and focusing all his Qi inwards.
"Not today, boner demons! I am Jin Long, the Ascendant of Repressed Libido!"
Outside the curtain, the audience heard:
THUD!
CRASH!
MOAN?
EXPLOSION.
Moments later, Jin stumbled out, robes scorched, hair smoking, and eyes bloodshot.
"I… I did not break," he gasped.
Granny Mei stared. "Technically, you passed. But we're going to need a mop. And maybe an exorcist."
Jin barely had time to recover from the seductive onslaught when Granny Mei barked, "Next trial—trap arena! No, not those kinds of traps, you horny degenerates! Real ones. With spikes, poison darts, and illusions of your exes saying, 'We need to talk.'"
Several disciples fainted on the spot. One guy just screamed "NOT HER AGAIN!" and sprinted into the bushes.
Jin groaned, "My last girlfriend was a tax collector in my past life… Does that count as a trauma trap?"
"Yes," Granny Mei said, flipping through her notes. "Specifically, a Financial Soul Drain Array. Good luck."
He was thrown into the arena—a vast maze filled with swinging axes, illusionary succubi, and flying paperwork demanding alimony.
"System," he hissed. "Activate cheat mode!"
[Ding! Activating: Flexible Fleeing Footwork – Coward's Step Lv3]
Suddenly, Jin's legs moved like a drunk squirrel on speed. He zipped left, hopped over a spike pit, accidentally groped an illusion (and apologized), and dodged a sex-cultivator-shaped hallucination whispering, "Let me balance your Yin…"
"Woman, I barely balanced my finances!"
He skidded under a rolling boulder and slid straight into the final chamber, crashing into a mysterious golden statue.
"Oh, hey, look. A random glowing relic. That's never cursed."
As he touched it, the system blared:
[Ding! Congratulations! You have unlocked the Forbidden Technique: Ten Thousand Year Virgin Touch!]
"What kind of name is—"
Suddenly, the statue moaned.
Loudly.
The echo resonated across the pagoda.
Fairy Ling dropped her tea.
Ruoyan looked like she was deciding between murder and marriage.
Granny Mei just muttered, "I warned them not to leave the moaning statue plugged in."
A second later, the doors exploded open. A squad of inner sect disciples stormed in, led by none other than…
"Zhao Feng," Jin whispered. "No, not this discount drama protagonist again."
Zhao Feng, with perfect abs, flawless hair, and the personality of a tax evasion pamphlet, pointed his finger at Jin. "You again. The degenerate who insulted my 'Thrusting Phoenix Spear Style' during the last lecture."
Jin raised an eyebrow. "You literally yelled 'Witness my thrust!' while swinging your pole around like a possessed stripper."
"I was being poetic!"
"You poked Elder Lin in the butt."
"He needed to tighten his stance!"
The other disciples gathered. "Ooh, they're gonna fight! Place your bets!"
"Five spirit stones on Zhao Feng."
"Ten on Jin! That guy once defeated a golem with a crotch feint."
Granny Mei sat down with popcorn.
Zhao Feng spun his spear. "This time, we settle it man-to-man. Pole-to-palm!"
Jin cracked his knuckles. "Funny. I specialize in slapping pretentious faces and fragile egos."
The duel began.
Zhao Feng charged, his spear glowing with Qi.
Jin sidestepped, grabbed the nearest training dummy, and used it like a shield.
WHACK!
Zhao's spear went straight through the dummy's crotch.
"Symbolic," Jin muttered, then leapt up and shouted, "Slap of Destiny: Twin Peach Justice!"
SMACK!
Both cheeks.
Zhao Feng howled and staggered.
The crowd erupted. "Oh damn! He got both at once!"
"You can't un-feel that slap!"
Zhao tried to retaliate, spinning into his Thrusting Phoenix Spiral, but Jin countered with his secret move:
"Crouching Pervert, Hidden Finger Flick!"
Zhao froze.
His spear dropped.
Then, slowly, so very slowly… his pants did too.
"NOOOO!" Zhao screamed as the crowd lost its collective mind.
Even Fairy Ling was crying from laughter. "He deflowered his pride!"
Ruoyan crossed her arms. "I've never been more attracted and more disappointed at the same time."
Granny Mei cleared her throat. "Victory goes to… the walking sexual misconduct lawsuit. Jin Long."
Jin raised his arms, victorious. "Behold! The path of the perverted is the path to power!"
Someone in the back yelled, "Teach me, master!"
Another shouted, "Make a sect! Call it the Divine Booty Pavilion!"
Jin paused.
"…Not the worst idea I've heard."
Just then, the Sect Master floated down from the sky. Shirtless. Drunk. Radiating divine aura and alcohol fumes.
"WELL DONE, JIN!" he roared. "YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF!"
"Thanks, Sect Master… sir?"
"To celebrate your victory," the old man slurred, "you get a prize. A divine item from our sacred vault!"
A golden chest appeared, glowing ominously.
Jin opened it slowly… only to find inside:
A pair of silk underwear.
With flames embroidered on the crotch.
He picked them up, mortified. "What… is this?"
The Sect Master nodded solemnly. "The Flame-Resistant Underpants of Passion. Worn by the founder himself during the Seven Day Dual Cultivation Marathon of Love."
Jin stared in horror. "I… I think I can still smell him."
Fairy Ling sniffed. "Lavender and poor life choices."
Jin looked to the heavens.
"System… am I cursed?"
[Yes. But also blessed. And slightly horny.]