In the immortal realms, where dragons fart lightning and mountains float just because they can, Lin Feng—the reincarnated office clerk with the libido of a rabbit on spiritual steroids—woke up covered in a sticky, suspiciously fragrant liquid. Again.
He blinked once. Then twice.
Then screamed.
"AHHHHHH! Why do I smell like mangoes and regret?!"
A chubby squirrel in a sect robe sprinted past, clutching a jade slip in its mouth.
"GET BACK HERE, YOU FLUFFY LITTLE VOYEUR!"
Unfortunately, Lin Feng's screaming did not faze the squirrel. Nor did the fact that he was butt-naked. In the middle of the Inner Disciple Courtyard. Surrounded by statues. Statues of ancient founders. All now smeared with glowing pink runes.
"HOLY SHIT!" he shouted, jumping to his feet and covering himself with a soggy talisman that read: [Instant Erection Seal]. Not helpful.
Just then, the system's voice chimed sweetly in his head like a particularly smug GPS:
> System Notice: Congratulations! You've successfully triggered 'The Wet Dream Formation – Level 3'. Bonus reward: +3 Charisma, -10 Dignity.
Lin Feng palmed his face. "I didn't trigger it, I slept in it! I thought it was a warm puddle!"
The system remained silent, which was its way of saying: Suck it up, loser.
He tiptoed through the courtyard, which now looked like a battle had broken out between a sensual goddess and a horny formation master. Every corner pulsed with erotic energy. Flowers bloomed in the shapes of butts. Trees moaned when the wind passed.
Someone coughed.
Lin Feng turned around—very slowly.
It was Elder Sister Liu Yanyan. The same one who once broke a boulder with her thighs. She was dressed in a translucent moon-silk robe, her expression frozen somewhere between horror and intrigue.
"You… were the one who activated the formation?" she asked, voice trembling like a virgin's hand in a brothel.
Lin Feng, still clutching his soggy erection seal, replied eloquently, "...Yes?"
A pause.
Then she licked her lips. "Interesting."
That's when Lin Feng knew—he was so, so screwed. In every possible way.
---
Later that day, the Sect Master summoned him.
Sect Master Bai Yun was the sort of man whose beard had its own cultivation base. His eyes gleamed like he'd seen all of existence and decided to judge it anyway.
"Young Lin Feng," the Sect Master said in a slow, booming voice, "Do you know what you've done?"
Lin Feng bowed. "Uhh… raised morale?"
"No!" Bai Yun slammed his jade gavel down. "You've corrupted the Inner Courtyard!"
Lin Feng opened his mouth.
"With pleasure."
"…I'm sorry, what?"
"Corrupted it with pleasure! The disciples are frolicking in spiritual aphrodisiacs! The medicinal garden is now growing Viagra Vines! Even the Sect's mascot—a flying goose—laid fifty eggs overnight!"
Lin Feng gulped. "Should I… take responsibility?"
Bai Yun squinted. "...You shall."
Lin Feng sighed in relief.
"By marrying the goose."
"WHAT?!"
"I jest!" Bai Yun chuckled, then turned deadly serious. "You'll be assigned to clean the Erotic Dao Pavilion. Every single scroll. Every single toy. By hand. Using your spiritual essence."
Lin Feng blinked. "That sounds… very wrong."
Bai Yun smirked. "It is."
Before he could object, Bai Yun added, "Also, a few disciples have volunteered to 'supervise' you."
The doors burst open.
Five women entered.
All cultivators.
All grinning.
All wielding… feather dusters.
"Oh no," Lin Feng whispered.
"Oh yes," said Yanyan, stepping forward and cracking her knuckles. "We're going to teach you the proper techniques… slowly."
---
Erotic Dao Pavilion – Cleaning Assignment: Hour 1
Lin Feng had never felt so violated by books in his life.
There were scrolls on Heaven-Piercing Positions, manuals on Dual Cultivation Through Interpretive Dance, and an ancient text titled How to Tame a Yandere with Your Qi—a bestseller.
"Use your Qi to gently stimulate the runes," Yanyan instructed, pressing his hand onto a scroll glowing pink. "You have to stroke it… lovingly."
Lin Feng gritted his teeth. "This feels wrong."
"You're doing it wrong," she corrected, slapping his wrist. "More rhythm!"
Three hours later, Lin Feng was sweaty, panting, and somehow more enlightened than ever. He'd unlocked Spiritual Massage Technique – Level 1, and also discovered that one of the scrolls could giggle.
"Why is the Sexual Yin-Yang Sutra flirting with me?" he asked.
"Because you're a natural," said a new voice.
It was another supervisor—Ning'er, the fiery-tempered alchemist who once exploded a furnace because her tea was too cold.
She smirked. "You think you've got it hard? Wait till we teach you how to refine 'Pill of Endless Stamina' while reciting erotic poetry."
Lin Feng whimpered. "Is this still cultivation?!"
Ning'er leaned down, her lips at his ear. "Oh sweetie… this is advanced cultivation."
---
Later that night, Lin Feng lay in his bed, utterly drained.
The system pinged again.
> System Notice: New Passive Skill Acquired – 'Moan Resistance +1'.
He muttered, "Why would I need that?"
Just then, the walls of the male dormitory shook as someone next door achieved enlightenment. Loudly.
"Oh."
Lin Feng awoke to the gentle sensation of something very warm, very soft, and very much not a pillow pressed against his face.
"Mmmph?"
He opened one eye and was greeted by the sight of two large… moons hovering above him.
No, wait—boobs. Not celestial bodies. Just very confident ones.
"Oh good," said the cheerful voice of Su Xinyue, the sect's spiritual beast tamer. "You're awake! I needed a test subject."
Lin Feng, already traumatically aware of what test subject usually meant in this realm, sat up like a bolt. "Why does my bed smell like peaches and pheromones?!"
"I fed you a Heartblush Nectar Pill while you slept," Su Xinyue said sweetly. "It stimulates your libido and makes your aura… very persuasive to spirit beasts."
Lin Feng stared. "Are you trying to get me laid by a fox?"
"Well… not just a fox," she said brightly.
A series of spiritual beasts poked their heads in through the window. A lusty deer. A suspiciously swole rabbit. A nine-tailed ferret with bedroom eyes.
"Oh. Hell. No." Lin Feng dove under his blanket.
The system pinged cheerfully.
> System Alert: Side Quest Activated – 'Please Don't Mate the Spirit Beasts'. Rewards: Dignity Restoration +1, Reputation +3 (Beast Community).
"This realm is insane!" Lin Feng wailed.
"Correction," the system replied smugly. "You attract insane."
---
That morning, the Sect announced the upcoming Heavenly Mixer Tournament—a once-in-a-decade event where disciples would duel, flirt, and sometimes both at once in a deadly arena of equal parts violence and horny chaos.
"Winner gets to pick any treasure from the Grand Pavilion," said the announcer.
Lin Feng perked up. "Any treasure?"
"Yes. Even the legendary Divine Yin Cauldron."
Now that got his attention. The Divine Yin Cauldron was said to enhance dual cultivation success rate by 300%. Also, it moaned when touched.
Lin Feng raised a hand. "Sign me up!"
"But there's a catch," the announcer added. "You need a partner. Preferably… a romantic one."
At that moment, three women immediately shouted:
"I'm his partner!"
It was Yanyan, Ning'er, and Su Xinyue—each standing with arms crossed, glares flaring, and varying degrees of homicidal affection.
Lin Feng gulped. "Can't we just… triple cultivate our way to victory?"
Yanyan narrowed her eyes. "You choose. Or we settle this with a cleavage duel."
"...What's that?"
"It's exactly what it sounds like," said Ning'er, cracking her knuckles. "But bloodier."
---
Two hours later, Lin Feng found himself in the worst place imaginable: the Sect's Romantic Duel Arena.
"Welcome to the arena, disciples!" shouted the referee. "Today's challenge: Love or Death! Pick your partner, survive the attacks, and don't let your clothes fall off—or maybe do!"
The crowd cheered wildly.
Lin Feng stood between Yanyan, Ning'er, and Su Xinyue.
"Choose wisely," Yanyan purred, flexing her thighs threateningly.
"I'll burn your name into the sky," Ning'er said sweetly, while holding a fireball.
"I taught a bear to kiss," Su Xinyue added. "I'm full of surprises."
The system helpfully displayed:
> Choose Your Partner:
[Yanyan] – Unlocks Passive Skill: "Thigh of Heaven"
[Ning'er] – Unlocks Active Skill: "Exploding Lust Alchemy"
[Su Xinyue] – Unlocks Beast Bonding Bonus: "Furry Fury"
Lin Feng broke down. "Can't I choose none and just fight solo?!"
The system buzzed angrily.
> Negative. This is a Harem Route. Stop resisting destiny, you virgin stallion.
Sighing, Lin Feng closed his eyes and spun around.
When he opened them, his finger was pointing at—
"Su Xinyue?!"
She squealed and hugged him tightly. "Yay! I won!"
Yanyan glared. Ning'er's fireball grew ten sizes. Somewhere, a tree caught fire.
---
Heavenly Mixer Tournament – First Round: The Slap-and-Flirt Gauntlet
Lin Feng stood with Su Xinyue at his side. Their enemies? A pair of rogue cultivators: One wielded a whip, the other dual fans shaped like… suggestive bananas.
"Prepare yourselves," said the referee. "You must dodge every flirt, slap, and innuendo without losing your cool!"
The gong rang.
Immediately, the female rogue cultivator blew a kiss. "Hey there, pretty boy. Wanna polish my sword?"
Lin Feng froze.
Then Su Xinyue slapped him. "Focus! No polishing anyone's anything!"
The male rogue winked. "I'm flexible. I do both swordplay and spear technique."
"Okay, now I'm just confused," Lin Feng muttered.
"Less confused, more dodging!" shouted Su Xinyue, dragging him behind a wall of spirit beasts shaped like kittens.
The fight was chaos. They were flirted at, slapped, kissed by mistake (twice), and Lin Feng ended up sitting on a lewd cactus.
But in the end, they won—barely.
Su Xinyue high-fived him. "You did great!"
Lin Feng groaned. "I think I need therapy."
"No time," she said, dragging him off. "Next round starts in ten minutes."
---
Back in the rest area, Yanyan and Ning'er watched with matching scowls.
"He picked her?" Yanyan grumbled. "I have thighs that can kill a man and make him thank me."
"I know," Ning'er replied. "I dated you once."
Yanyan smirked. "Jealous?"
"No, but I'm going to spike her tea," Ning'er said sweetly.
"Oh good. I already rigged her spirit beasts with Lust Pheromone Powder."
They clinked cups. "To sabotage!"
Lin Feng staggered into the next round of the tournament with all the enthusiasm of a man walking into his own execution—with glitter on his face, a suspicious lipstick stain on his neck (not Su Xinyue's shade), and a semi-traumatized raccoon clinging to his back.
"Do we really have to keep doing this?" he moaned, swaying.
Su Xinyue patted his butt. "Don't be dramatic. You've only suffered three concussions and two accidental kiss attacks. You're fine!"
The referee blew his flute. "Round Two: The Romantic Obstacle Course! Contestants must climb, crawl, bounce, and flirt their way through the Sacred Tunnel of Innuendo!"
Lin Feng squinted. "That tunnel looks like a—"
"Shh," Su Xinyue whispered. "Don't say it. Just accept it."
A horn blared. The gates opened.
The Sacred Tunnel was fifty meters of unholy hell: oiled pillars, vibrating bridges, aphrodisiac mist, and walls covered in motivational quotes like "Moan Your Way to Victory!" and "Dual Cultivation is Just Foreplay with Benefits!"
Lin Feng took one step, slipped on a banana peel, and face-planted into a bouncing cushion labeled Divine Breast Formation.
"Oh come on," he cried, muffled by spiritual cleavage.
A panel above him lit up:
> +1 Point: Accidental Boob Contact!
-2 Points: Crying During It.
Su Xinyue yanked him upright and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Less sobbing, more sexy confidence!"
"I was an accountant!" Lin Feng wailed.
The path ahead didn't get easier. They had to:
Swing across vines made of silk panties.
Solve riddles posed by naked monks.
Navigate a maze called The Labia Labyrinth (don't ask).
And ride a bull that screamed "YES DADDY!" with every buck.
Somewhere between getting whipped by a bondage trap and accidentally proposing to a statue of a fertility goddess, Lin Feng snapped.
"I'm gonna win this goddamn tournament," he snarled, his eyes glowing with unearned confidence.
Su Xinyue blinked. "Oh my god. You're finally getting into it."
"I am not dying in a tunnel shaped like a c—"
"Don't finish that sentence," the system cut in, panicking.
> System Alert: Host's Sanity Level Approaching Zero. Initiating Emergency Horny Defense Protocols.
Suddenly, Lin Feng's body surged with new power. His clothes glowed. His spiritual aura pulsed.
He yelled, "Heavenly Erection Art—Activate!"
A massive, golden phallus-shaped aura exploded behind him like a divine middle finger to decency.
Su Xinyue's eyes sparkled. "My god… it's beautiful…"
---
They blew through the tunnel like a pair of sex-fueled tornadoes, ending the round in record time and sending the audience into a frenzy.
"Did you see that final move?" one elder gasped.
"He used the Flying 69 Sword Formation!"
"Such versatility…"
Even the Sect Master wiped away a tear. "He's truly… one of us now."
---
Backstage, Yanyan and Ning'er plotted harder than ever.
"She's gaining too much momentum," Yanyan hissed. "That perky smile. That natural rapport. That… pet raccoon."
Ning'er nodded grimly. "We need a Plan B."
"Sabotage?"
"Better. Distraction."
Yanyan grinned. "Time for Operation: Erotic Intervention."
---
Meanwhile, Lin Feng and Su Xinyue were awarded bonus points and escorted to a special training room to "cool down" before the final round.
The room was dim, covered in satin, with massage oil fountains, moaning incense (literally), and a hot spring labeled Please Enter Bare-Butted.
Su Xinyue giggled and started undressing. "Wanna test the compatibility bonus?"
Lin Feng was torn between fear and arousal. "Is that what it's called now?"
Before she could pounce, however, the doors burst open—and Yanyan strolled in wearing nothing but a towel and the confident smirk of a woman who knew her thighs could crush boulders and dreams.
"Hope you don't mind," she purred. "I booked this room too."
Su Xinyue stood. "You bitch—"
But before claws could come out, Ning'er slid in through the window, drenched in rain, her robe half-off and her lips quivering.
"I… I got lost," she whispered dramatically.
Lin Feng stared at all three of them.
"System," he croaked, voice hoarse, "am I in heaven?"
> System Alert: You're in the "Reverse-Harem Deadlock Zone."
Warning: Multiple Erotic Threats Detected. Releasing Emergency Defense Protocol: Shrinkage.
---
Thirty minutes later…
Lin Feng sat trembling in a corner of the hot spring, covered in scratch marks, bite marks, and lipstick shaped like ancient runes.
Yanyan was casually drying her hair. Ning'er was soaking, sighing softly. Su Xinyue was sharpening a knife.
Nobody spoke.
Until—
The referee's voice echoed through the chamber. "Final round begins now! Report to the arena!"
They looked at Lin Feng.
He whimpered. "Can I cultivate with a pillow instead?"
---
Final Round: The Battle of Love and Lightning!
Lin Feng stood on the arena platform, swaying like a drunk pigeon. Across from him was a duo of deadly beauties known as The Twin Sisters of Thrust and Thunder—one wielded a lightning whip, the other a… giant jade dildo.
Lin Feng cried out, "Why is that allowed?!"
"Because," the announcer explained, "this is a Harem Duel. Anything goes. Especially your pants."
The crowd roared.
Behind him, Su Xinyue stepped up, eyes glowing with rage, love, and at least two different jealous cocktails.
"You belong to me," she whispered.
Yanyan and Ning'er appeared at his sides. "Us too," they added in unison.
Lin Feng blinked. "Wait, are we—"
> System Alert: New Formation Unlocked – 'Triple Wives Battle Mode: Erotic Blitzkrieg'
He screamed as power filled him. The girls linked arms, and suddenly their combined aura exploded into a swirling storm of lust, thunder, spirit energy, and dangerously spiky nipple tassels.
The enemy sisters charged.
Lin Feng met them head-on with his newly awakened move: Divine Reverse Missionary Palm.
---
What followed was twenty minutes of the most erotic, violent, slapstick battle ever witnessed in cultivation history. Panties flew. Thunder roared. At one point, someone rode a whip like a flying sword.
When the smoke cleared, Lin Feng stood victorious, clothes torn, dignity ruined, libido maxed out.
The crowd cheered. The system pinged.
> Quest Complete: Survive the Heavenly Mixer
Reward: Divine Yin Cauldron
Bonus: Officially Recognized as "The Harem Protagonist."
Lin Feng collapsed to his knees.
"Was it worth it…?" he gasped.
Yanyan sat on him. "Yes."
Su Xinyue kissed his cheek. "Very."
Ning'er whispered, "Now we claim our prize…"
---
And that's when the real fun began.
Because the Divine Yin Cauldron? It wasn't just for alchemy.
It was for group cultivation.