The next morning, the Xuanjing Realm greeted Fang Xie with chirping birds, flowing spiritual energy, and the distant sound of a sect elder yelling, "Who the hell put laxatives in my pill furnace?!"
A good omen.
Fang Xie stretched his limbs on the hay mattress of his temporary inn room, his face blissfully smug. "Ah, nothing like a new day for cultivation, corruption, and cleavage."
He had arrived at the entrance exam grounds of the Hundred Blossom Sect—a sect known equally for its elite female disciples and suspiciously tight robes. It was a beautiful place, nestled in a valley of pink petals, perfumed air, and enough spiritual pheromones to give an old monk a nosebleed.
Fang Xie sauntered toward the testing grounds, his robe freshly stolen from a laundry line, embroidered with a phoenix he assumed meant "brilliant scholar" but actually translated to "rooster fool."
In his pouch: three spiritual chicken bones, one moldy spirit peach, and the extremely reluctant system that had stopped speaking to him after he'd tried seducing a tree demon by flexing his nonexistent abs.
[SYSTEM: Emotional damage detected. Muting host.]
Fang Xie didn't care. Today was the day he would con—ahem—earn his place among cultivators.
He arrived at the registration table, where a bored-looking female disciple sat cross-legged, wearing a robe so tight it violated several ancient cultivation laws.
"Name?" she asked.
"Fang Xie. Future Sect Leader. Occasional Saint. Frequent Lover."
She didn't blink. "Cultivation realm?"
"Low-tier Trash Realm, mid-stage."
Still no reaction.
"Combat experience?"
"I once dropkicked a goblin priest during a wedding ceremony."
The disciple scribbled something that looked suspiciously like "moron" in her jade tablet and handed him a token.
"Go line up with the other hopefuls. Don't touch anything. Especially not the spiritual roses. They're carnivorous."
Fang Xie turned, only to be immediately shoved aside by a group of buff cultivators glowing with Qi and ego.
"Outta the way, peasant!"
He stumbled and landed face-first in a pile of spiritual manure, which smelled suspiciously like roasted durian and regrets.
Brushing himself off, Fang Xie muttered, "Laugh now, jerks. One day you'll be bowing before me… or my wives. Hopefully both."
He joined the queue of disciples-to-be, which included:
A muscle-bound man with an IQ smaller than his biceps.
A girl with eyes colder than his ex-girlfriend's texts.
A chubby alchemist with suspicious burn marks on his pants.
And a talking parrot named Master Squawk, apparently someone's reincarnated ancestor.
"Only in the Xuanjing Realm," Fang Xie sighed.
Soon, the testing ground came into view: a wide courtyard surrounded by cherry blossom trees, floating jade platforms, and three elders sitting on clouds. Literal clouds.
Elder #1 was the classic old man with a beard long enough to trip on.
Elder #2 was a terrifying granny who looked like she'd stabbed dragons for fun.
And Elder #3… was sleeping.
An inner sect disciple floated forward and announced, "The first trial: Qi Resonance Detection! Place your hands on the Spirit Stone! If it lights up, you pass!"
Easy, right?
The first contestant stepped up, placed his hands on the stone, and it glowed with a blinding red light.
"Fire affinity! Excellent! Next!"
One by one, the hopefuls stepped up, each activating the stone in impressive ways.
Then it was Fang Xie's turn.
He walked up with confidence and flair, flipped his robe like a runway model, and placed his hands on the stone.
Nothing happened.
Not even a flicker.
A breeze blew.
A cricket chirped.
Someone coughed awkwardly.
Fang Xie leaned in, whispered sweetly, "Hey, baby, don't be shy. Show them what you got."
The stone exploded.
Smoke filled the area as debris rained down and the elders were flung backward. One of them landed in a basket of spiritual tofu.
The crowd gasped. Someone screamed. Master Squawk yelled, "HE BLEW THE DAMN THING UP!"
The inner disciple stammered, "Wh-What affinity was that?!"
Elder Granny floated back, coughing, "I-I think… I think he has a rare affinity."
Elder Beard nodded sagely. "Yes. Very rare. The Explosive Dumbass Affinity."
Fang Xie bowed deeply. "An honor to share my gifts, esteemed elders."
The granny muttered, "Put him in the special category… with the psycho who tried cultivating using snake venom and regret."
After the fireworks, Fang Xie was escorted to a side area of the courtyard labeled "Special Cases, Handle with Caution." He was given a seat next to a girl with demonic horns reading a smutty novel, and a guy meditating while floating upside-down and occasionally farting out rainbow mist.
Fang Xie whispered, "What's your cultivation method?"
The rainbow farter opened one eye. "I follow the Dao of Flatulence. Each emission cleanses impurities."
"… Neat," Fang Xie lied, scooting his chair half a meter away.
An inner sect senior walked over, holding a clipboard and sighing heavily like a man who wished he'd never volunteered for 'discipline duty.'
"All right, weirdos. Trial two: Combat Performance! You will each fight an opponent suited to your… questionable talents."
He pointed to Fang Xie. "You're up first. Your opponent: Spirit Monkey Senior Student Rank Two!"
The crowd gasped. A large golden monkey dropped from the trees, muscles rippling, wearing a bandana that said I FIGHT DUMBASSES FOR BREAKFAST.
Fang Xie looked up at the monkey, then at his own bare fists.
"Do I get a weapon?" he asked.
The senior disciple threw him a stick.
It was literally a stick. A twig. It even had a leaf still attached.
The monkey cracked its knuckles and grinned.
Fang Xie gulped. "Oh good. He has teeth."
The fight began.
DING!
Fang Xie immediately ran.
"SYSTEM!" he shouted while dodging monkey fists. "How do I win?!"
[SYSTEM: Unmuting temporarily. Run in circles, insult his lineage, and pray he slips.]
"Helpful as ever!"
Fang Xie zigzagged, tossing pebbles at the monkey while shouting, "Your mother was a baboon and your father smelled of peach wine!"
The monkey screeched in rage and charged—only to trip over the same stick Fang Xie had thrown a second ago in sheer panic.
It tumbled, landed head-first into the wall, and collapsed with a dazed moan.
Silence.
Then the crowd erupted.
"He won?!"
"Holy crap!"
"Did he just beat Senior Monkey with slapstick?!"
The elders looked stunned. Elder Beard blinked. "That… was either divine luck or divine trolling."
Granny snorted. "Let him pass. The monkey needed humility anyway."
Fang Xie bowed dramatically, "Once again, my genius cannot be contained!"
[SYSTEM: Correction. Your idiocy cannot be predicted.]
Next up was the third trial: Spiritual Control. Participants were to shape spiritual energy into a chosen form—weapon, creature, or object—using only willpower.
The cultivators before Fang Xie made glowing spears, phoenixes, and swords that sang with holy light.
Then it was his turn.
He stood in the center, focused deeply… and felt the faint stir of energy.
He visualized something grand.
Something powerful.
Something unmistakably adult.
The energy rippled.
The air shimmered.
And before the elders could prepare themselves—
A glowing, floating pair of enormous spiritual breasts appeared.
Lifelike. Bouncing. Majestic. Reverberating with divine jiggle physics.
The crowd gasped. Someone fainted. One of the young disciples got a nosebleed so intense it needed a blood-replenishing pill.
Elder Beard turned red. "Is that… is that a Dual Essence Affinity construct?!"
Granny covered her eyes. "It's… it's moving…"
The breasts rotated midair and honked like a goose.
"HE GAVE THEM SOUND EFFECTS?!" screamed a disciple.
Fang Xie proudly crossed his arms. "Behold. The Dao of Softness. The Path of the Pillowy Heavens."
The elders huddled for a long discussion.
Elder Beard: "It is technically spiritual energy…"
Granny: "But he shaped it into jiggle balloons!"
Sleeping Elder woke up for the first time and said, "Reminds me of my youth. Let the boy in."
That was enough.
The gong rang, and Fang Xie was told:
"You have passed all trials. Somehow. You are now an outer disciple of the Hundred Blossom Sect."
Confetti rained down.
A flag unfurled behind him with the words: "Welcome, Chaos Recruit!"
Fang Xie beamed. "I've done it. I've conned—cough—I mean, climbed my way into greatness!"
Just then, a beautiful young woman in sect robes stepped forward, her eyes icy, her face as flawless as a porcelain painting. Her robe clung tightly in all the right ways, and her spiritual pressure smacked like a truck full of bricks dipped in estrogen.
"Name's Lan Yue," she said coldly. "I'm your assigned senior. Congratulations, I guess."
Fang Xie immediately fell to one knee.
"My queen."
She rolled her eyes. "We're starting you in the herb garden. And if you try anything funny, I'll castrate you with my pinky."
He grinned. "So you're saying there's a chance."
She turned and left. "Follow me. Keep your hands and spiritual constructs to yourself."
Fang Xie whispered to the system, "Mark her as Wife Candidate #2."
[SYSTEM: Warning. Your face will be rearranged at this pace.]
Fang Xie strutted after Lan Yue like a man who had just survived monkey beatdowns, spirit boobies, and divine trials—and still ended up with a job and a beautiful boss.
The path to the outer disciple quarters passed through the Fragrance Pavilion, where flowers danced with Qi and butterflies glowed with soft spiritual light. He inhaled deeply.
"Mmm. Smells like cultivation and scented candles from horny heaven."
Lan Yue shot him a glare. "These are sacred gardens. Don't defile them with your voice."
"Too late, I just mentally named that bush 'Big Booty Peony.'"
She stopped walking, turned slowly. "Do you… want to be demoted to chamber pot scrubber?"
He gave her his most innocent face. "I would never. I'm here to learn. To grow. To fondle my destiny—I mean, grasp my destiny."
Lan Yue sighed so hard it stirred nearby petals. "Let me be very clear. I'm only your supervisor because everyone else refused. If you so much as breathe suggestively, I will feed your manhood to a spirit turtle."
Fang Xie tilted his head. "What if I like turtles?"
She kept walking, muttering, "Why me. Why always me."
Soon they arrived at the Outer Disciple Housing Row, where a few dozen small stone huts stood in a line like obedient bathroom stalls.
Lan Yue pointed at the smallest one, nestled under a gnarled tree that looked like it wanted to die. "That's yours. Room 69."
Fang Xie beamed. "Nice."
Inside, the room was sparse: a mat, a chamber pot, a scroll shelf with one lonely book titled "Cultivation for Imbeciles: Don't Eat Rocks."
Lan Yue tossed him a jade token. "That's your disciple medallion. Don't lose it. If someone stronger challenges you for it and wins, they can take your room."
"What if a girl beats me and insists I move in with her instead?"
"Then she's probably trying to poison you. Or worse—marry you."
Fang Xie looked genuinely intrigued. "Go on…"
Lan Yue pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm giving you one task: report to Elder Ping tomorrow at sunrise for herb garden duties. Do not be late."
"What happens if I'm late?"
"He'll bury you upside-down and use you as a fertilizer stick."
"…That's oddly specific."
She turned to leave. "Also, don't summon any spiritual breasts within a kilometer of the main sect halls. There are impressionable juniors."
"No promises," he called cheerfully.
The door slammed shut.
Fang Xie sat cross-legged on the mat and whispered, "System. Status check."
[SYSTEM BOOTING...]
[STATUS: OUTER DISCIPLE - HUNDRED BLOSSOM SECT]
[CULTIVATION: Body Tempering Stage 1 (Barely)]
[SKILLS: Shameless Tongue (Max), Monkey Dodge Lv.2, Boob Construct Lv.1]
[QUEST: Impress Elder Ping. Bonus if you survive without being slapped or impaled.]
Fang Xie leaned back, lacing his fingers behind his head. "We made it, buddy. From dead office worker to disciple in a sexily named sect. I feel… majestic."
[SYSTEM: You smell like burnt monkey hair and spiritual shame.]
---
The next morning, he stumbled groggily toward the Herb Garden of Heavenly Purity, which sounded like a peaceful field but turned out to be a sprawling mess of roots, vines, and sentient weeds that looked like they wanted to mug him.
"Where's Elder Ping?" he muttered.
A loud belch answered him.
From behind a willow tree, a rotund, shirtless man rolled out on a pile of crushed herb baskets. He had the build of a retired wrestler and the eyes of someone who'd seen too many sect dramas.
"You're the new turd, huh?" the elder said, scratching his belly.
Fang Xie bowed. "Yes, honorable Ping. I—"
"Shut up. Grab that hoe."
"…Excuse me?"
"That gardening hoe. What are you, twelve?"
Fang Xie blinked. "You said it with such… force."
"You'll be hoeing spiritual ginger. Be careful, the roots bite. If one wraps around your thigh, don't enjoy it."
He threw a satchel at Fang Xie. "Also, avoid the mushrooms with glowing nipples. They cause hallucinations. Or erections. Sometimes both."
Fang Xie, ever the scholar, asked, "Can I take one back for study?"
Ping glared. "Do you want me to sit on you?"
"…I'll start hoeing."
---
Hours passed.
Fang Xie sweated, groaned, got bitten by sentient roots, and slapped by a vine that moaned when he touched it wrong. Eventually, he took a break under a tree.
A beautiful voice interrupted him. "You're the new idiot who summoned spirit boobs, right?"
He looked up—and choked.
A girl stood there, fox ears twitching, her nine tails swishing lazily behind her. Her robes were modified, cut low in ways that would give monks nosebleeds, and her smile was one part seductive, one part chaos.
"I'm Meimei. Outer disciple. Specializing in… herbal stimulation."
He stared. "Stimulation?"
She winked. "Of the heart. And other organs."
Fang Xie stood abruptly. "Wife Candidate #3 unlocked!"
She giggled. "You're funny. I like that. Want a snack?"
She tossed him a glowing fruit.
"Is this safe?" he asked.
"It might give you a temporary lust aura. Or make your voice deeper. Or grow an extra toe."
"…Is there an antidote?"
"Probably. Somewhere."
He bit it anyway.
Because Fang Xie, for all his idiocy, was now officially a cultivator. And if being a cultivator meant eating suspicious fruit from sexy fox girls in flirty robes—he was all in.
---
That night, as the moon rose over the Hundred Blossom Sect, Fang Xie lay on his mat, sore, itchy, possibly high, and definitely aroused.
He stared at the ceiling. "System. Final thoughts for the day?"
[SYSTEM:
You survived.
You got into the sect.
You have three women who might one day stab or kiss you.
And you summoned spiritual jugs in public.
I'd call this progress.]
Fang Xie grinned.
"Tomorrow, I'll climb higher. Train harder. Grow stronger."
A pause.
"…Also maybe summon a full spiritual body. You know, for science."
[SYSTEM: I hate you.]