The day began with an innocent enough thought:
"Maybe—just maybe—I'll survive today without getting engaged, cursed, or licked."
A foolish hope.
[System Mission #21 Activated: "Just Say No"]
[Objective: Reject every romantic advance for the next 24 hours]
[Reward: +3 Rationality | +1 Sanity | A crumb of self-respect]
[Failure Penalty: -1 Dignity | +1 Fiancée | Emotional trauma (stackable)]
I stared at the glowing notification hovering over my bed as I blinked the sleep from my eyes.
"…You've got to be kidding me."
[System Sarcasm Module Enabled]
[No, dear host. This is your Intervention Arc. You asked for peace. We're helping. Poorly.]
I groaned and sat up. Morning light streamed through the window, birds chirped, and something in the hallway exploded. Probably just another Tuesday.
I glanced at the timer under the mission.
23:59:45
Easy, I thought. I could handle this. One day of just saying "no." I had survived skyship hijacks, demonic marriage contracts, and a princess who tried to spoon-feed me with a blade.
How hard could it be?
I was out of my room for exactly three minutes when the world betrayed me.
"REI~!" Lilia's voice rang out in full-blown dramatic soprano, which was always a bad sign.
I turned to see her sprinting toward me down the hallway of the Duke's mansion in a wedding dress.
At 7:04 in the morning.
A bouquet of roses floated behind her, spinning in slow motion like a horror movie opening credits. Her veil was embroidered with my name in bloody red thread.
"WHY?!" I cried.
"I had a panic attack at 3 AM and realized we hadn't finalized our engagement paperwork," she said breathlessly. "So I fixed that."
She whipped out a glittering contract from her cleavage.
"I want you to sign this before breakfast!"
"Lilia, I—I have a mission from the gods. I can't—"
She held out a quill. "Just say yes!"
"I can't! I have to say—"
And that's when I sneezed.
Hard.
A full-body, head-whipping, fate-altering sneeze.
As I recoiled forward, Lilia interpreted my bobbing head as—
"Yes?"
"Yes," she whispered, eyes wide with joy.
"NO!" I shouted, mid-sneeze recovery.
[System Alert: Mission Failed]
[Time Survived: 2 minutes 58 seconds]
[Penalty Applied: You are now engaged to Lilia again]
[Additional Bonus: +1 Blood Contract (auto-bound)]
[You sneezed during a proposal. Smooth.]
Lilia squealed and pounced on me with the force of a small meteor. "I KNEW you'd agree eventually! This is the happiest day of my life—again!"
"You can't propose before breakfast!" I sputtered.
"Darling, you've been proposed to during attempted murder and bath time. This is tame."
I tried to wiggle free as she kissed my cheek and drew a magic rune in the air, sealing our "engagement" with what looked suspiciously like demon ink.
"Can we at least wait until I've brushed my teeth?"
"No," she said sweetly. "I brushed mine twice. For both of us."
I had a very bad feeling in my molars.
[System Tip: Marriage via magical mouthbinding is irreversible without divine intervention or six gallons of holy water.]
I turned to flee—only to find the hallway blocked.
Princess Seraphina stood at the far end, dressed in royal armor with a bouquet in one hand and a broadsword in the other.
"Rei," she said in her usual crisp, military tone. "You accidentally accepted someone else's proposal before rejecting mine."
"I didn't accept anything!"
"You nodded."
"IT WAS A SNEEZE!"
"According to the Sacred Etiquette of Royal Courtship," she said, flipping open a glittering scroll, "any physical affirmation during a formal proposal constitutes a verbal agreement."
"Who wrote that rule?!"
"I did," she said, smiling. "After you dodged my 4th proposal last week."
Behind her, a chorus of armored bridesmaids sang a victorious tune as she stepped closer.
Lilia hissed and bared her teeth.
"No one's marrying him until he finishes the heart ceremony," she said, dragging out a glittering obsidian dagger.
"Oh gods," I muttered. "Not another ritual."
Rosette appeared out of a nearby vase.
"Already prepared," she whispered, holding up a parchment that looked suspiciously like a marriage license soaked in blood.
I screamed and bolted for the nearest window.
Unfortunately, it wasn't open.
I hit the glass like a cartoon character and collapsed in a heap.
[System Tip: Windows are not escape routes unless stated otherwise. Please locate an actual door.]
By the time I recovered, I was surrounded.
Yukiko had manifested with cherry blossom petals swirling around her and a ceremonial wedding rope already tied in a perfect heart knot.
"Let us consummate the spiritual pact," she said, bowing. "I brought sake."
"It's seven AM!"
"I warmed it with my tears of longing."
Drakana flew in from the courtyard, landed on the balcony, and slammed down a roasted wyvern leg.
"I heard someone accepted another proposal. Fix it."
"I sneezed!"
"That counts," she growled, stepping into the room with flames flickering in her eyes. "You will now duel the rest for marriage rights."
"WHAT—NO—WHY—"
[System Alert: You are now the Main Prize in the "Battle Bride Royale"]
[Objective: Stay conscious]
[Side Quest: Avoid kissing anyone for the next ten minutes]
[Good luck. You'll need it.]
The girls began circling one another.
Lilia had activated a holy sword.
Rosette vanished into the shadows, presumably to strike when least expected.
Seraphina summoned her pegasus through the stained-glass window.
Yukiko prepared her fan-blades.
Drakana casually lit her tail on fire and declared, "Winner gets his left earlobe."
I backed into a corner and whimpered.
"Ladies! Please! Let's not turn this into another national incident—"
Too late.
The mansion trembled as magical energy filled the air.
[System Notification: Starting timer for "Fiancée Fury Frenzy"]
[Warning: This may void your mansion's insurance.]
Then, suddenly—mercifully—a blinding light flooded the room.
A golden portal opened in midair.
Goddess Eris stepped out, dressed in a white bathrobe and holding a bowl of cereal.
"Okay, time-out, psychos," she yawned.
The girls froze.
"Rei's still under a System contract. You can't force a permanent marriage until he completes Mission #21."
They blinked.
"But he already failed it," Lilia said, confused.
Eris slurped her cereal. "Nope. Glitch. The sneeze didn't register properly. Classic buffer overflow. He's still technically in the mission."
[System Glitch Detected: Invalid Proposal Acceptance via Nasal Expulsion]
[Rolling back engagement status…]
Lilia screeched. "You can't just UNDO our engagement!"
"I can," Eris said. "I'm the one who wrote the code."
Drakana huffed. "Then when is the next proposal window?"
"Tomorrow," Eris said. "Also, I'm adding a new rule."
She turned to me with a wicked grin.
"You have to reject all romantic advances… but in rhyme."
I gaped at her. "Are you serious?!"
Eris nodded and tossed a spoonful of cereal into my hair. "You're welcome. I'm off to torment someone in a harem isekai now. Try not to die."
She vanished in a flash.
The girls slowly turned back toward me.
"…What rhymes with 'I don't want to be your spouse'?" I asked weakly.
Rosette whispered, "We'll find out… tonight."
I fainted again.
[System Alert: Mission #21 Reinstated]
[Time Remaining: 23:59:58]
[Warning: Sneezing will no longer protect you.]
To be continued…