Gun shots, one after another. Aimed at point.
-5:30pm, 23rd-October. Troyville.
A few days later.
And bam, another went straight to head. "You're getting a hold of it." Mr Faisal says with a smug grin on his face.
I reload my gun to once again shoot in the silhouettes positioned infront of me, in Mr Faisal's backyard garden, where we personally train ourselves. It has modern brick fence all around. Lush greenery. Filled with targets and everything practice requires.
I don't know why he let's me shoot targets here—in his private training area. I suppose I did earn this place, I desvere this treatment and he's grown closer. Hanging out with me has became his habit, and I'm so glad it did. Mr Faisal heals something inside of me, something he didn't break.
On the other hand, turns out that man really was Jawad's member. He has his minions around me. Even after that fucker died, he won't leave me alone. What is it that he wanted from me? It just makes my suspicion on him grow stronger. They're the ones who ruined my family, That is the only explanation that reasons out for why he hated me, Long behind vengeance with my father? Grandfather? God knows.
One man
Two man
Three man
Down.
Bam bam bam.
My gun hangs in when I try to reload it, which makes me tense and anxious, shivers make the bullets slip down. "Crap! Son of a bitch" I bend down to gather them in frustration.
"Leave it, I'll order new." Mr Faisal's grin slowly fades.
"Why so much anger piled up inside Sam?" He is scratching his chin. He's calm.
I stand all the way up again. "Pardon me sir, its been a rough time for me."
"Because Ifan left?" He raised a brow.
"No—because of Jawad" because I'm a murderer now.
"I thought you weren't that weak."
"I'm never weak." I stand with my chest puffed out.
"Unaliving someone has never been easy. But once you cross that hesitate stage, you pull yourself out of it." He says with a serious tone. He has done it, he knows the pain of going through it.
My hands starts to shiver in disgust, but I cover them as I cross my arms to stay nonchalant.
"But I don't blame you. You're young. People in this field often at the age of twenty six go through this, it's very common." He says as if its too normal.
"I'm twenty seven sir." Not that it was necessary to tell but.
"Still a child to me." He scoffs.
"Sir, you're underestimating me, I never said I was worried of taking his life." I sigh, inhaling. All I'm saying is that I'm trying to fit in..
It's more of that he took a part of me when he died.
"Then enlighten me, what's bothering you?" He asks me. I can't tell him my vision.
"I'm trying so hard to not became someone I promised myself I wouldn't be." I say, my hand unnoticeably clenched into a fist.
"Growing out of a cage isn't always hideous." His calm tone always makes me wonder what he had to go through to be like this.
"Why do you let me come here when even Victor isn't allowed here?" My intuitive thoughts bursting out is officially a new skill after being a big mouth.
"This is a part reason why I asked you here today." He says. "I will share something with you." He sighs. "Its related to you in ways you wouldn't have imagined."
"What is it?" I ask as I gulp the slight hesitation I felt.
"When I first got myself here, I was just like you. I had a best friend the same way you had."
"I have—not had sir, I still have." I interrupt him, my hands on my hips.
"The same way you have." He reassures me.
"He wanted more of what we already had and I was after something else." Mr Faisal says, he looks upset.
Seems like he really was like me.
"You're a good person Sam." Is it coming deep from his heart or is he saying that because he thinks I want to hear that?
"I try to look up to my Father." I say.
"You're nothing like your Father Sam." He says.
A sharp intake of my breath makes my steps tremble back.
What?
"How would you know?" My shoulders raised with brief hesitation.
"I knew him long before you existed."
What?—WHAT?!
Hearing the words come out of his mouth, a sudden wisp of shock make my spine hard, my eyes widen and my soul is a wrack. My heart starts pounding, it's like the ground left my feet and I'm short on breath.
"What?" My voice quavers, my hands are shivering. This time I couldn't cover them.
"Baba!" I yell as people pull me away from that burning car, the accident was bad, almost as if a planted plan, cries of my mother echoing thoroughly our town, she was devastated.
I was a child.
I was broken in half.
And I'm still hanging while the world is trembling around me.
"Who do you think my best friend was?" He still has that calm tone.
I blink out of my subconsciousness.
"My Father?" I gulp down a lump in my throat.
"Correct."
I think I've shot a nerve and all I feel is dizziness. "Did you know I was his son all along?" My head's throbbing reaches my eardrums. I can't stand still.
"I asked you the minute I met you."
"Have we met before?"
He did-
"I knew the moment when you implemented his poetry, it proved my suspicion right."
"Why didn't you say anything back then?" My heart is racing, I can't catch my breath accordingly— gelid shivers all under my body but yet I feel hot.
"I wanted to figure you out first."
"Did you figure me out?" I ask, my tone became a little ill mannered and pettiness spreads across my face.
I don't think it's valid, he's being nonsense.
"That's why I called you here."
"I can't quite get your point." I say.
"I will elaborate."
He should. I feel so lightheaded, this isn't something I looked up for this morning when I woke up, I don't feel rage—but some part in me is holding resentment towards him for keeping this away from me, for keeping me in the dark, when he could've made it easier, My father's closest folk was nearest to me and I still looked the world for it like an idiot. Someone who could've told me what happend to my father. I could've gotten more plots about my parents sooner. He wasted so much of my time— but then again he wasn't supposed to plan it all out. he didn't know what I was after— what I am after.
"You were so young, it seemed wrong."
"That's all you've got to say?" I say, my voice raised a bit.
"Don't lose your manners Sam."
"I beg to differ sir but all of this is related to my life, don't you think I deserved to know about it earlier?"
"You do."
"You had no right to keep this away from me." My throat feels ichy, like a brick struck by, but I stand tall with my chin lifted.
"No Sam. I had every right to keep this away from you." He's bothered by my attitude but he's yet calm.
"What do you mean?" My eyebrows pulled down.
"I promised your father."
Any news related to my father brings back memories I never want to remember. All this time I've been after who ruined my family, and I've waited and waited—and waited for somone to tell stories of my dad when he was younger, how he was as a person but now that its really happening, I don't want to hear anything or else I'll collapse, I'll fold, I'll be in the shadows back again. Somewhere I've fought so hard to come out from.
"Promised what?" I know he can see my hands shivering and rage uplifting my voice.
"Let's sit down."
The sun's going down, and for the first time I felt the presence of the moon more virulent.
-6:30pm
We're sitting in Mr Faisal's backyard patio, it's a marble table, surrounded by plush and velvet armchairs, sits atop a sprawling patio.
Faisal exudes a sophistication sigh.
Salim is standing over us. "Bring some coffee for us." Mr Faisal orders.
"Tell me now." I tilt my chin high, but I keep my voice calm. I have calmed myself inorder to process this. I can't lose my temper, my manner, I need to pull my shit together. Mr Faisal knew my father all along— it's heavy to carry I know but I need to stay fucking calm.
"Sam." He says. "Your father made me promise to keep you away from this world."
"Yet you hired me?" I don't know from where this wave of patience is covering me, but I'm calm. Hurt yes, more even vexed but calm. Even though my veins are beating a show, but I want to know everything.
From the very beginning.
"I saw inferno burning inside your eyes. I knew that even if I let you go, you'd still find a way to crawl back in the depths of the underworld. That's when I thought about it and came to realise you'd be better growing infront of me. That way I'd be able to protect you." He's smoking his cigar.
"Why didn't you protect me when my mother died?" My eye tweaked. Her screams all over again, echoing in my ear. The forever terror won't ever leave me alone.
"I did came for condolence, when I got informed that you were in custody of someone normal, I got certain and so I laid back."
"That normal somone ruined my life!" I slam my hands on the table, leaning againist the table a bit foward. My throat is making it difficult for me to speak.
"That normal somome also gave you Ifan."
He's right. I agreed to the terms because Ifan convinced me.
"And as I've already said Sam, at that time I was grieving your father, more than anything, I thought to myself, if I took custody of you I wouldn't be able to keep you away from this world how I promised. The wound, my grief and his promise, All was concerningly fresh at the moment, so I walked away. Thinking dearly you were in good hands." He says, a hint of sentiment hits his voice.
I say nothing, I wait for him to speak properly, to the point. I lean back, my chest still puffed, and my chin raised high. I'm not gutless, I can take this. All I've been waiting for was this. I can do this.
"But when you, yourself walked to me, I was once again shocked by the nature of universe. It was fate who led you to me, I couldn't let you get away this time." He's being genuine. The corner of his lips lift upward.
A silent tear formed in my eye but I quickly wipe it off, not making it obvious. I clear my throat, looking at Salim. "Salim! Where the hell is our coffee!? We ordered coffee not a fucking buffet!" I'm angry, extremely vexed. I seethe internally, tried maintaining a composed exterior. Think I did.
"I know it's a lot to take in, take your time to dissolve this, but trust me, everything was good intend."
"I should go now." I hesitatedly stand back up. I'll hear the whole crap later.
"Don't run away from your problems, they eventually get piled up before shattering." He says, he's sitting, learning forward, his hands calmly resting on his knees.
"I'm not running away, I've never ran away from anything in my life. Never have, never will." I put my hands around my hip, smacking my lips. The cold makes my breath come out smoky. Even though my muscles get tighter by how much emotion I'm gulping, I still make myself picture proofed.
"All I want is some time to get my head straight." I say. I really need that, I'm not anxious about it anymore, I'm not disappointed, I'm not furious or upset, I just need a good nap. All the sufferings, destruction and remorse we went through is piling up inside my brain, thinking things could have gone incredibly differently if I had known. Thinking I could have provided for Ifan and Ayat more if I had known about Mr Faisal before, thinking I could've done more for my Mother if I had known him. Everything is recapping in seconds and I need a switch off. I need a nap.
Why did baba never told me about him? Never. I'm on the very edge of decay and I need to press it all away. I need to shut my brain down. All the possibilities and moreover things to imagine is getting hard to convert positivity. I can't hold it in. I don't think Mr Faisal is wrong. Maybe the situation or my fate was always at fault but nothing can change or recover anything.
"I'm not mad sir." I say, forcefully being gentle. "I apologise if I unintentionally spoke rudely."
"None offence taken son." He says. This is so weird.
I'm in a very difficult and terrible state right now, I can literally cause a scene but I won't. I'm in no mood to talk, I've never felt this way before. I'm hurt I know— but with that I'm exhausted as well.
I'm mad at everyone—or maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I'm a terrible person.
"Sir" Salim shows up with our coffee. "Took you long enough" I say.. ugh I'm so trying to not fight with anyone.
Rage.. rage is what I feel.
He bends down to whisper something in Mr Faisal's ear. What could that be?
"I should get going." I leave before I could burst out in anger— this is wrong, this whole situation, this whole build up emotion in me, it's all wrong.
I need to calm down before I explode on someone I don't want to. I've worked so hard to contain my anger. All these sessions, all this progress, can't go to waste. I'll be miserable if it does. On my way back I stop. "Salim."
"Yes Sir."
Ugh crap. I inhale a deep breath.
"I'm sorry— I shouldn't have yelled at you."
He simply looks down. I grab his shoulder. "You're doing great." I say, I'm in no mood to smile but I still gave him a little forced but genuinely coming from my heart smile.
"Salim show Sam to the door" Mr Faisal orders.
"I know the way out, thank you" I walk myself out.
And I get going, without looking back at Mr Faisal.
I'm not a bad person—
I'm not.
Anger is bad luck, anger is bad luck.
But on the other hand— anger has always been my ill fate, and it's throat scratching to be indenial of—but my ill fate has that power over me, to turn me into a terrible person.
To convert me into someone I'm not.
To empty out all the good in me.
To alter my faith into a mentality I'm not proud of.
And I know, in all those sessions with doc, I've been denying, but how can I be bitterly scared of becoming something I already am? The truth is fucked up—but that's the truth,
I'm already a brute— a beast. A monster in a cage.