I was melting. Not metaphorically but literally. I could feel the sweat pooling in my boots, my shirt clinging to my back like a desperate octopus, and boxers not doing well too. Let's just say I was dangerously close to starting a rash-based religion.
Blade trudged ahead with his tails dragging, Barry pulsed softly on my shoulder like a tired glowstick, and Burn, our newest plant buddy, was perched near my neck, his leaf-hands shielding his face from the brutal sun.
I blinked as I wiped my sweat away wishing this was all a nightmare. As I opened my eyes, I saw it. A lake, a perfect, glistening pool of water. Blue, cool, sparkling like bottled heaven.
"Come on, baby," it cooed in a voice smoother than chocolate syrup. "One sip. Just one sip, and you'll feel fresh again."
I didn't even hesitate. I lurched toward it like a zombie craving electrolytes. Sand kicked up behind me as I picked up speed, limbs numb, brain fogged. This was it. Hydration. Salvation. Possibly... hallucination?
But just as I was about to dive head-first into that sweet, sweet promise of moisture, someone had slapped me, a strong one.
"Ouch! WHAT THE—!"
Burn's leafy arm had slapped me so hard I saw real stars, not the mirage ones.
My vision cleared instantly, and the "pond" shimmered… then vanished. It had never been a pond.
Just a patch of cracked red sand and right in the center of it, less than an inch from my face, was a gleaming five-inch spike, perfectly aimed to stab me between the eyes.
I dropped to my knees, gasping.
"I almost died. That would've been the dumbest way to die in any universe."
Burn stood on my shoulder with a grim look, arms crossed.
"Welcome back, sweat brain. That wasn't just a mirage. It was a defense mechanism."
Blaze prowled over, sniffed the spike, and snarled.
"Trap. Sharp. Fresh blood on it too."
I blinked. "Wait—what?"
Burn nodded slowly. "You're standing in an Inferncacti's territory. That hallucination? Classic trick. It lures in anything with a brain and a thirst, makes you walk face-first into one of its defense pins. That spike? It's a cactus thorn, John. The cactus is watching. One pierce one of its thorns, then rest in peace."
I turned slowly. And there it was. About thirty feet away, rising from the cracked red earth, a massive cactus, round and blazing red, with heat shimmering off its surface like a barbecue grill. Its needles were long, cruel, and twitching slightly. At the top, nestled between sharp spines, was a single glowing flower, orange like fire, pulsing like a heartbeat.
"The Inferncacti," Burn said, low and serious. "Rain only falls here once a year. It hoards every drop in that fat body of its. But it doesn't like company. And it doesn't share."
I stared at it. My throat burned. My lips were drier than the jokes I used to make in high school.
"So… how do we get close?"
Blaze grinned. Razor claws slid out with a hiss.
Burn shook his head.
"If you try to brute force it, it'll spit fire. You're not ready for the Thornknight Bramble yet, remember? This thing's a small version. And it doesn't like to share its water.."
I slowly sat down on the sand. My knees are still weak from nearly headbutting death.
"Great. So I can't stab it. I can't trick it. And I can't sip it. What am I supposed to do? Sweet talk a cactus?"
There was a long pause.
Burn's leafy brow raised.
"…Actually…"
"Oh no," I groaned. "You're not about to suggest—"
"Seduce the cactus."
"I hate this planet."
One second, I was still arguing with Burn about whether or not I could emotionally manipulate a cactus. The next,without warning, Blade lunged like a mad vine beast. His tails whipped forward with that high-pitched razor whine, claws glowing faintly red from heat and friction.
"BLAZE, WAIT—!"
Too late.
The Inferncacti didn't even have time to react. Its defensive spines twitched, an instinct. But its trap had already failed. Blade was faster than any hallucination, faster than any fire spit, faster than common sense.
With three feral slashes, Blaze chopped the cactus into clean, wet chunks.
I blinked. "That's illegal somewhere, I'm sure."
And then water started steaming gushed from the cut sections, soaking the sand like it had been waiting years to breathe. It smelled faintly spicy, like mint.
I dropped to my knees, grabbed one chunk with both arms, andchugged. It was the best, most questionable drink I'd ever had. I didn't even care if it boiled my organs later. I was alive and hydrated, and nothing else mattered.
Blade strutted in front of the cactus corpse, licking his claws like a smug dragon-cat.
Barry buzzed cheerfully on my shoulder, soaking up drops from my wet chin like a solar sponge. Burn gave a slow nod.
"Well. I guess that's one way to do it."
"Bwaaah," I exhaled, wiping my mouth. "I take it back. I love this stupid murder plant."
I pulled out the sponge-like Suckapore from my inventory and gently pressed it into the puddling water around the cactus chunks. The spore puffed up slightly, absorbing and storing the liquid greedily.
"Good job, buddy," I whispered to the Suckapore, like it was a tiny water balloon I was proud of.
With my backpack full of water, my minions fed and energized, and the sun finally easing down from "murderous," I stood up with a wobble.
"Alright," I said, squinting toward the glowing horizon. "Let's go find the Thornknight Bramble and punch it in the sap."
Burn flopped down beside me, his two leaf-arms crossed like some grumpy desert coach with trust issues.
"You're lucky you didn't kiss that cactus," he muttered. "We're officially inside the Bramble Zone now."
I blinked.
"The what?"
Burn pointed one leaf toward the horizon, where the sand glowed a faint red-orange and the twisted shapes of thorn-covered plants stood tall like skeletal trees.
"Bramble Zone. It's the territory of the Thornknight Bramble, your quest target, remember?" he said like a tour guide who hated his job. "Temperature here flips hard. Daylight? It cooks your lungs. Night? Your bones rattle like dried seeds."
I looked at Blade, who was still licking cactus juice off his claws like a psychopath.
Barry buzzed warily, dimming slightly at the mention of the night cold.
I wiped sweat from my forehead. "Great. So it's like… cursed Vegas."
Burn rolled his eyes. "That water from the Inferncacti? That stuff's a miracle. Works like hydration packs on steroids. You'll stay hydrated for twelve hours minimum, even if you're sweating hard."
I raised an eyebrow.
"So, like… alien Pocari Sweat?"
Burn nodded solemnly.
"Poca what?"
"Never mind."
I looked down at the filled Suckapore in my pack and gave it a proud pat.
"Well, bless your weird little spongy guts."
He squeaked. I swear he squeaked.
Blade growled low, eyes narrowing as if sensing something in the distance.
Burn's leaves stiffened.
"We should find shelter before the sun tips over."
"Why?" I asked.
He looked me dead in the eye. "Because when night comes, this place doesn't just cool down. It hunts."
That shut me up.
I slung the pack over my shoulder, nodded to Barry, and motioned for Blade to scout ahead.
"Alright, gang. Let's find a hole to crawl into before this 'cursed salad' eats us."
We started walking again, the cactus water sloshing gently in my bag like a precious, slightly spicy treasure.
We were moving slowly, the sand sticking to every inch of my sweaty skin. Blade was leading, tail flicking with irritation, Barry hovering quietly, and Burn refusing to stop giving plant-based lectures like a talking cactus encyclopedia.
An hour before the sun dipped, Blaze suddenly froze. His razor tail hovered mid-air, claws raised, ready to strike at… a stump?
At first, I thought it was just a dead tree. The upper portion was completely sliced off, leaving behind a wide, flat trunk. Blaze stepped closer, then casually tried to polish his claws on the smooth surface.
Big mistake.
Burn snapped.
"STOP, YOU LEAFLESS MANIAC!"
Blade jumped back like someone just called him a house cat.
I blinked, confused.
"Wait, what? It's just a stump."
Burn glared at me like I'd just tried to chew on Barry.
"That, genius, is not a stump. That's a Fireheater plant."
I tilted my head, squinting at it. Sure enough, my Watch pinged softly:
[Fireheater]
Genus: Combustiflora
Emits natural flammable vapor during sundown. Vapor ignites easily and burns slowly, making it a natural heater in Bramble Zones. Do NOT disturb during the emission period.
"Well, that's… cool? Or dangerous? Or both?" I asked.
"Both," Burn confirmed. "That plant's releasing a vapor right now. Flamabler. Any spark, even friction from your psycho cat's claws, and boom, we'd be roasted skewers."
Blaze gave a low, pouty growl and sulked behind Barry. I crouched next to it and took a sniff.
Instant regret.
"Smells like someone soaked a jalapeño in diesel," I choked out.
Burn smirked. "It's perfect for surviving cold nights. Controlled burn. No monster comes close to that flame."
I nodded slowly.
"So you're saying, we make camp here?"
Burn gave a firm nod.
"Let it light naturally when night falls. Then sleep close—but not too close. Unless you want your eyebrows singed off."
I flopped down beside the Fireheater with a sigh of relief. Barry buzzed and dimmed, preparing for night. Blade stretched like a lazy tiger, clearly proud of finding the spot even though he almost blew us up.
As the red sun began to dip behind thorny ridges, the Fireheater's vapor grew visible, like heat waves rising off the sand.
And then, a low, gentle flame bloomed around the trunk's crown, casting warm orange light. Barry switched to his blue glow for additional safety.
Safe heat. No monsters..No cold.
Just us and a fire-breathing plant stump in the middle of a killer salad bowl.
I leaned back, whispering to Burn.
"Remind me again why I didn't just die during reentry?"
He grinned. "Because if you did, who else would carry the water?"
I groaned.