Freya had survived a lot. Sword fights, slime invasions, sentient cabbages. But nothing—nothing—prepared her for the Festival of Fools.
She stood in the center of Festivale Plaza, staring at a poster pinned to a watermelon-shaped notice board:
FESTIVAL OF FOOLS 1 Day Only! Win Prizes! Regret Nothing! (Terms and conditions absolutely apply)
The street was exploding with color. Clowns juggled flaming ducks. Bards played kazoo symphonies. A wizard was trying to sell time in a bottle. Literally.
Pixel, who had mysteriously acquired a party hat and confetti cannon, spun circles around Freya's head. "THIS IS MY DAY! My people have returned!"
Freya narrowed her eyes. "Your people?"
"Chaos gremlins! Trickster mages! Prank potion brewers! Oh look—pie catapults!"
Freya was about to back away slowly when a trumpet sounded from nowhere. A puff of purple smoke exploded beside her, and a person with twelve hats and zero shame emerged.
"Welcome, brave fool!" they announced. "You have been entered into the Grand Foollympics!"
"No, thank you," Freya replied.
"Too late! You signed up when you breathed in the festive spores!"
"I—what?!"
"You'll be competing against five other misfits in a battle of wit, whimsy, and extremely poor decision-making!"
Pixel screamed with joy. "YEEESSSS! THIS IS WHAT WE TRAINED FOR!"
"We never trained for this."
The hat person handed Freya a sash that read "Certified Buffoon" and shoved her onto a stage with five other contestants:
1. A half-dragon mime who only communicated in kazoo notes.
2. A bard with seven lutes duct-taped to their back.
3. A kobold wearing a chicken suit.
4. A two-headed ogre named Chuck and Also Chuck.
5. A sentient stack of pancakes named Flapjackius.
Freya didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
"Let the games begin!" the announcer shouted, and confetti exploded from every direction.
---
Event 1: Pie Dodging, Pie Throwing, Pie Philosophy
The goal: dodge incoming pies, throw pies at other contestants, and then explain your pie-throwing philosophy to a panel of grumpy judges.
Freya channeled every dodgeball trauma from middle school. She cartwheeled under a custard pie, rolled away from a flaming blueberry missile, and retaliated with a direct hit to the bard's face.
Judge #1: "What is your pie philosophy?"
Freya, panting and sticky: "A pie in the face is worth two in the oven."
All three judges nodded solemnly. One dabbed at his eyes with a tissue. "Beautiful."
---
Event 2: The Maze of Slightly Annoying Inconveniences
Freya entered a labyrinth where every step presented a mild but infuriating obstacle:
Doors that opened an inch and then slammed shut.
Floor tiles that squeaked motivational phrases.
Magical ferns that kept asking if she had a moment to talk about compost.
After two hours of gaslighting architecture and passive-aggressive shrubbery, Freya emerged victorious, dragging a motivational tile with her.
"I'm framing this," she muttered.
The tile blinked and whispered, "Believe in yourself, you magnificent chaos gremlin."
---
Event 3: Charades With Cursed Items
Each contestant had to act out an object's function while holding a cursed item.
Freya got the Sword of Sassy Echoes.
She mimed sword fighting. The sword echoed, "Oh wow, SO original. A sword fight. How creative."
She mimed being a heroic warrior. The sword retorted, "You couldn't intimidate a scared donut."
She mimed crying.
The judges gave her a standing ovation.
---
Event 4: Extreme Petting Zoo Rodeo
Freya had to mount and ride a Fluffalo—an aggressively affectionate creature the size of a car that tried to lick her into submission.
Fluffalo: LIIIIICKKKKKKKK!
Freya: "NOPE. STOP. THAT'S MY EAR."
She held on for the required 8 seconds while the crowd chanted her name, mostly out of sympathy.
Pixel filmed the entire thing and uploaded it to the multiverse stream.
---
Event 5: Talent Show, But It Has to Be Useless
Freya's competitors brought strong game:
The chicken-suited kobold performed taxidermy slam poetry.
The bard juggled turnips with their feet.
Flapjackius recited the phone book backward.
Freya, completely out of ideas, grabbed Pixel and did a two-minute interpretive dance titled "The Existential Crisis of a Spilled Milk Carton."
The crowd wept.
A theater critic in the front row sobbed, "It spoke to my soul!"
---
Bonus Event: Fool's Gauntlet (Because One More Won't Kill You... Probably)
It involved:
A hallway of banana peels.
Angry ducks in top hats.
Trivia questions shouted by a screaming turnip.
A grand finale where contestants had to tightrope across a pool of invisible gelatin.
Freya made it halfway before a duck dive-bombed her. She landed face-first in the gelatin, which sang the national anthem of a country that didn't exist.
She bowed anyway.
---
Intermission: Snack Fight Arena
New addition to the festival this year: an all-out food brawl. Freya armed herself with baguette nunchucks and took on a sandwich golem. Pixel manned the mashed potato mortar.
"Fire in the piehole!" he yelled, launching a cherry bomb tart into the crowd.
Freya was eventually declared Snack Queen after she executed a flawless suplex on a cupcake elemental.
---
Aftermath: The Crowning of the Grand Fool
Covered in custard, glitter, and bruised pride, Freya stood beside her fellow fools as the hat-wearing announcer tallied scores.
"And the Grand Fool is…"
"FREYA OF THE RESPAWN!"
The crowd roared. A crown made of melted candy was lowered onto her head. Trumpets played a polka. A banner unfurled that read:
"CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ABSURDLY COMPETENT LUNATIC!"
Freya blinked. "I... won?"
Pixel sobbed into a streamer. "I'm so proud. You embarrassed yourself so beautifully."
---
Rewards Gained:
Title Unlocked: Grand Fool of the Realm
+3 Charisma When Covered in Pie
+2 Dodge vs Duck-Type Monsters
Inventory Item: Crown of Delicious Poor Choices (Wobbles, edible)
As the sun set on the Festival of Fools, Freya sat on the roof of a bouncy castle, eating victory nachos.
"I've hit a new low," she said.
"You mean high," Pixel corrected.
"Same thing in this place."
Greg the Quokka appeared beside them wearing a party monocle and munching on a jellybean that possibly contained dark magic.
"Greg," Freya said, "please don't explode reality tonight."
Greg burped. A nearby lamppost briefly turned into a giraffe and danced away.
Freya closed her eyes. "I give up."
Pixel beamed. "Chapter 27 complete!"