After narrowly surviving a day of being overqualified for every low-paying job the realm had to offer, Freya assumed she'd earned the right to sleep for three days straight and maybe enjoy a nap so powerful it bent time. But instead, she woke to the worst four words she'd ever read:
"Mandatory HR Training Seminar."
"Pixel," Freya growled, clutching the glowing scroll, "what part of 'burnout' sounds like a fun side quest to you?"
Pixel blinked innocently, then held up a tiny clipboard. "You're now a part-time employee in seven guild sectors. That makes you eligible—and legally obligated—to attend the Goblin Workers' Union Orientation and HR Seminar."
"I'd rather fight a basilisk with a toothpick."
"That's not covered by your insurance plan unless you attend."
---
The HR seminar was hosted in a fortress made entirely of ergonomic stone cubes. Its logo—a goblin smiling while holding a clipboard and breathing fire—greeted them at the gates.
"Welcome to the G.H.R.I.T.," said a very chipper goblin receptionist. "The Goblin Human Relations & Induction Training."
Freya blinked. "You named your HR department... Grit?"
"G.H.R.I.T.! We believe in grit, grind, and grievance paperwork!"
She was handed a welcome packet, a safety whistle, and a stress goblin (a squishy ball with a screaming face that yelled motivational phrases like "INTERNALIZE YOUR FURY!").
---
Workshop 1: Fire Safety and Dragon Room Etiquette
Instructor: Blorba, Safety Warden and Former Arsonist
Blorba wore a hard hat made of fireproof jelly.
"Step one," she barked, "do NOT challenge the dragons to thumb wars. Step two, fire exits are NOT emotional exits. Crying is allowed, but OUTSIDE the lava zone."
Freya took notes while a kobold set a trash bin ablaze just for demonstration.
Pixel whispered, "She once saved an entire office from a flaming baguette. Heroic stuff."
---
Workshop 2: Diversity in Dungeon Demographics
Instructor: Snork, Diversity Officer, Tiefling-Goblin Hybrid
Snork opened the seminar by juggling skulls. "Here at G.H.R.I.T., we celebrate ALL dungeon denizens. Even ghosts. Especially ghosts."
Freya watched as a banshee floated in and received a Diversity & Inclusion pin.
"Did you know 17% of traps are sentient? And 43% of mimics identify as furniture-fluid?"
Freya raised a hand. "What about cursed tea kettles?"
Snork smiled. "They prefer the term 'magically misaligned hydration vessels.' Respect it."
---
Workshop 3: How to File a Complaint Without Causing a Blood Feud
Instructor: Murda the HR Mediator
Murda was a minotaur in a cardigan.
He calmly clicked his magical PowerPoint, which showed a pie chart of common workplace grievances: 30% Misused Necromancy, 25% Sword Harassment, and 45% 'That One Intern.'
Murda handed Freya a form titled: Form 13-B: Conflict Resolution Via Polite Screaming.
"Effective communication is key," Murda said, while crushing a ribcage-shaped stress toy. "Yell with purpose."
---
Lunch Break: Choose Your Sandwich Wisely
The cafeteria was a battle royale of dietary extremes. Tables were labeled:
Vegan Vampires
Paleo Pixies
Gluten-Free Ghouls
Carnivorous Contracts Dept.
Freya grabbed something that looked vaguely edible, then watched in horror as it introduced itself as Carl.
"I'm your sandwich," it whispered. "I dream of becoming stew."
She handed Carl to a hungry skeleton and called it karma.
---
Workshop 4: Roleplay Scenario – You're the Problem Now!
Instructor: Unnamed Goblin in a Wig
Freya was assigned the role of a problem coworker.
"You keep summoning chickens in the breakroom," said her fake supervisor.
Freya, staying in character, said, "They bring joy."
"You locked Brenda in the broom closet."
"She wanted quiet time."
"You turned the printer into a mimic."
"It prints emotions now!"
She was rated 'Highly Effective at Chaos.' Pixel gave her a gold star.
---
Workshop 5: How to Pretend You're Working When the Boss Walks In
Instructor: Barry the Invisible Intern
No one ever saw Barry. Only heard his voice.
"When the boss appears, simply mutter terms like 'synergy,' 'spell metrics,' and 'updating the grimoire cloud.'"
A fog machine puffed around the stage. Freya practiced miming paperwork while whispering "cross-departmental synergy alignment" and was promoted on the spot.
---
Team Building Exercise: The Trust Fall of Terror
Freya was told to stand on a ten-foot pillar and fall backward into the arms of her coworkers.
Her teammates:
A gelatinous cube named Jerry
A sentient mop
Greg (holding snacks)
She fell.
Jerry jiggled.
Freya bounced.
Greg cheered. "She landed in the mop!"
Freya gave a thumbs up from the floor. "Totally intentional."
---
Final Test: HR Boss Battle Simulation
A VR arena rose from the floor. The instructor screamed, "YOU ARE NOW INSIDE A TOXIC WORK ENVIRONMENT."
Fog. Drama. Whispers of passive-aggressiveness filled the air.
A shadowy figure loomed: The Manifestation of Poor Management, wielding a flaming clipboard.
"YOU TOOK TOO MANY SICK DAYS!" it bellowed.
Freya hurled a sarcastic comment as her weapon. It landed critical damage.
Pixel activated the PowerPoint of Justice, and Snork threw inclusion glitter.
Murda yelled, "TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!"
The boss exploded in a puff of outdated procedures.
---
Graduation Ceremony
Freya received a diploma, a whistle that summoned a conflict mediator, and a lanyard that said "I SURVIVED HR."
"Congratulations," said the goblin dean. "You are now fully certified in professional nonsense."
Pixel floated beside her, grinning. "You now qualify to mediate guild disputes, coach interspecies etiquette, and draft snarky workplace emails."
"Do I get a raise?" Freya asked.
"No. But you get exposure."
"Exposure to what?"
Pixel giggled ominously.
---
Bonus Reward Unlocked: Passive Skill – Paperwork Intimidation
Enemies now take psychic damage when you recite legal jargon.
+10 Charisma when holding a clipboard.
Gain 1 free HR override per month.
---
Freya returned to her inn with her HR loot bag and sat on her bed. Pixel landed on her shoulder.
"You know," Freya said, "if I have to attend one more training course, I'm going to open a bakery just to fire myself."
Greg popped up with a muffin. "Want to start a union?"
Freya blinked. "Wait. You're in this too?"
"I'm the mascot. Muffin Greg. I represent Snack Inclusion."
Freya facepalmed.
"Tomorrow," Pixel said cheerily, "you begin your shift at the Department of Magical Logistics. They have unicorn traffic issues."
Freya sighed. "Just let me take a nap with my diploma. I earned it."