Also known as: The Heavens File a Complaint
High above the mortal realm, beyond clouds shaped like calligraphy and turtles that carried scrolls on their backs, floated the Celestial Department of Dao Regulation.
It was boring.
Painfully boring.
Thousands of immortal clerks sat in infinite rows, reviewing cultivation paths for legality and proper progression. Every new Dao, technique, and sect was entered, categorized, and stamped with divine approval.
That is… until someone reviewed application #4326-X9-CHAOS.
"New Path Detected: Unstructured Harmony.Founder: Wei Long.Cult Growth: 237% this week.Known Techniques: Sleeping, slipping, bun balancing, goat empathy."
Senior Clerk Li squinted at the entry.
"…What in the flying furnace is this?"
He slammed the red alert bell.
It hadn't been used in 900 years.
Below, the clouds turned red. Alarms blared. Cranes flew into action. And moments later, a divine envoy was dispatched to the mortal realm to issue a formal warning.
Back on Mount Chaos...
Wei Long had finally cleared out the Cult of Wei Long by offering them "a secret technique that required solitude" (a.k.a. sending them all to meditate under a waterfall for 12 hours).
He was drinking cold tea and finally feeling peace.
Until the sky cracked open like bad tofu and a radiant being descended, wearing a robe made of starlight and holding a golden clipboard.
"I am Envoy Shou Lin of the Heavenly Dao Registry."
Wei Long blinked. "Of course you are."
"You have violated eight sacred protocols, warped five major energy flows, and accidentally inspired four minor deities to quit their jobs."
"…I think I should go."
"You are NOT leaving," the envoy thundered. "You must now pass the Official Cultivator Registration Test to verify your legitimacy!"
A desk materialized.
A brush appeared in Wei Long's hand.
The test had three parts:
Define your Dao.
Demonstrate your core technique.
List your sect's founding philosophy.
Wei Long stared at the scroll.
"…Can I nap instead?"
The clouds thundered. "Begin!"
Part 1: Define your Dao.
Wei Long scribbled:
"Try not to do anything.And somehow, everything happens.Bonus if dumplings are involved."
The envoy blinked. "…Philosophically concerning."
Part 2: Demonstrate your core technique.
Wei Long stood up.
Took a step forward.
Tripped over a teacup.
Spun midair.
Knocked a falling tree branch into a defensive posture that blocked a hidden arrow from a rogue assassin who just happened to be nearby.
The envoy stood in stunned silence.
"...That was… the Pure Flow of Unintentional Defense. A lost... no, an UNKNOWN form?!"
Wei Long groaned. "I just want lunch."
Part 3: Founding Philosophy.
Wei Long wrote:
"Probably don't.But if you must… do it sideways."
The brush caught fire. The scroll glowed.
The heavens shook.
The envoy dropped to one knee.
"I... I came to judge you. But you've surpassed the known thresholds. You've founded a New Grade of Dao..."
He looked up, eyes wide.
"The Unregulatable Path."
Back in the Celestial Bureaucracy, chaos broke loose.
"He can't be regulated!"
"He just invented a Dao without cultivating!"
"What do we call it?!"
A divine fish leapt from a pond and croaked, "Call it... Wei-ism."
Meanwhile, back on Mount Chaos, Wei Long watched the envoy vanish in a shimmer of divine paperwork.
Lin Qian appeared beside him. "What was that?"
"I think I just… passed a test I didn't know I was taking."
She nodded. "And possibly founded a religion."
Wei Long sighed.
"Great. Do I at least get a holiday named after me this time?"
Suddenly, a scroll popped into existence and unrolled itself:
"Congratulations, Master Wei Long!The 9th day of the Autumn Moon is now officiallyNational Enlightened Nap Day in 14 provinces."
Wei Long slumped to the ground.
"I think I need a vacation from my own legend."
To be continued...