It was 6 a.m.
Birds chirped, the sun rose peacefully over the ducal estate, and I—Rei Valemont, tragic reincarnated protagonist and reluctant yandere magnet—was dangling upside down from a tree with a war club lodged two inches from my face.
"Good morning, mate!" roared Drakana, her voice booming like a thunderclap wrapped in testosterone.
She stood below me in her full battle glory—crimson-scaled armor hugging her towering figure, her spiked tail swaying, steam rising from her nostrils like a dragonic tea kettle on steroids. Her grin was so wide it probably had its own postal code.
"Drakana," I groaned, "is this about yesterday's Memory Lane Dance again?"
"Nah," she said. "That was just foreplay."
"What?!"
She cracked her neck, then slammed her war club into the ground. A minor earthquake rolled through the courtyard.
"No more dancing. No more speeches. No more kissy-kissy crown contests," she declared, flexing every visible muscle (and a few invisible ones). "Today, we settle this the dragon way."
"Oh no."
[DING!]
[System Warning: You are being challenged to a Duel of Matrimonial Destiny by Drakana Flameheart.]
[Victory Condition: Survive.]
[Failure Condition: Marriage.]
[Note: There is no good ending here. Just degrees of suffering.]
"I CHALLENGE YOU!" she bellowed, striking a gladiatorial pose. "IF I WIN, YOU'LL MARRY ME RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, ON THIS SCORCHED EARTH!"
"What happens if I win?" I muttered, cautiously lowering myself from the tree using some conveniently placed vines.
Drakana winked. "Then I'll challenge you again tomorrow. Maybe with more fire."
"Of course you will."
I looked up at the heavens. The heavens were laughing at me.
"Can I at least have breakfast first?"
She slammed a roasted boar into my hands. "I grilled this while waiting for you to wake up."
"…Thanks?"
Field of Combat: The Eastern Training Grounds (Now 90% Charred)
The field was already scorched from a previous "training session," which actually involved Drakana suplexing a wyvern until it admitted defeat. Today, it had been redecorated with crude banners that read 'Battle of Love – Round 1' and 'Blood Today, Bride Tomorrow!'
Several staff members were watching nervously from behind magical shields. Lilia had popcorn. Rosette was installing traps in case things went "too well." Seraphina had a golden whistle and was pretending to be a referee.
"Combatants, are you ready?" Seraphina asked, grinning like she hoped I lost.
"No," I said.
"Absolutely!" Drakana roared, cracking her knuckles.
"BEGIN!"
I dodged left.
Barely.
Drakana's war club came down like divine retribution, splitting the ground where I'd stood a half-second ago. Dirt exploded. Somewhere, a squirrel filed for early retirement.
"You've gotten quicker," she grinned, sweeping at my legs with her tail.
"You tried to decapitate me with a breakfast proposal!"
She lunged again. I rolled.
"THAT'S ROMANTIC IN DRAGON CULTURE!"
I stumbled to my feet and summoned a gust of wind magic to push her back. It worked for all of two seconds until she countered with a Roaring Flame Charge™, barreling through like a magical rhino on steroids and setting a bush on fire in the process.
[System Warning: Local Fire Hazard Level = 9000+]
[Emergency Sprinkler System: Disabled (because you blew it up last time)]
[Survival Tip: Please do not taunt the dragon. You're crunchy and go well with ketchup.]
"I don't want to fight you!" I said, panting as I backpedaled toward the burned-out dueling line.
"That's how I know it's real!" she said, grinning wide enough to reveal all her fangs.
Drakana threw her club like a javelin. I ducked. It impaled a training dummy two fields over. The dummy caught fire. The spectators cheered.
"You're insane!" I shouted.
"You bring it out in me!" she replied proudly.
I activated [Blink Step], dodging just before she grabbed me. I reappeared behind her, grabbed her tail, and pulled.
She yelped in surprise. "Kinky!"
"No, strategic!" I shouted, flipping her over my shoulder using momentum, leverage, and the sheer desperation of a man trying to avoid accidental marriage.
Drakana hit the dirt with a loud thud, blinking in surprise.
Then she laughed.
A deep, guttural, pleased laugh.
"Oh ho?" she said, sitting up. "You threw me. You threw me?!"
"I did. Please don't make this a metaphor."
Her eyes sparkled with even more affection—and something far more dangerous.
"A good fight," she purred, rising to her feet and cracking her neck, "is foreplay."
I nearly blacked out.
[DING!]
[Affection +30 (Drakana)]
[Title Earned: Dragon's Favorite Prey]
[New Passive Skill: 'Battle Bait' – Yandere opponents become 20% more affectionate if you land a solid hit. Warning: Also 50% more aggressive.]
"You've proven your strength, mate," she said, stepping closer. "That's why I'll wait until tomorrow to force you into holy union."
"You mean give me a break?"
She pointed at the sky. "A dragon's promise lasts until fire turns cold!"
Then she accidentally ignited her own banner.
"Oops."
The field burst into flame. Again.
I dove behind a log. The banner disintegrated. The magic barrier holding the crowd back began sizzling.
[System Notice: Fire Tolerance Exceeded. Field now considered "Romantic Disaster Zone."]
[Local Weather Forecast: 70% chance of passionate combustion.]
Drakana stood in the center of it all, arms wide, flames dancing around her like a crown.
"I SHALL WIN YOU YET, REI VALMONT!" she bellowed at the sky.
I stared from my log shelter, still smoking slightly.
"This," I muttered, "is not normal courtship."
Behind me, Seraphina blew her golden whistle. "AND THE WINNER IS—REI! By technical knockout and accidental arson!"
Drakana collapsed in a satisfied heap of scorched earth and victory hormones.
Later, as I limped back to the manor with only moderate burns and PTSD, the system chimed again.
[System Summary: Duel Completed – Victor: You (Miraculously)]
[Drakana Affection Level: 91/100 – Status: Wants to share a lava bath and your last name.]
[Reward: Dragon Tooth Pendant (+5 Defense, +20 Intimidation, -50 Sanity when worn near Drakana)]
[New Flag Raised: "Wedding Ambush: Draconic Edition" – Triggered if you are alone with Drakana in a room with ceremonial incense.]
I collapsed onto my bed. A small puff of smoke rose from my hair.
"Maybe tomorrow will be peaceful," I whispered.
Then I heard a knock.
Followed by a voice I feared almost as much.
"Darling~! Are you ready for the Cooking of Love event? I baked you something with glitter!"
Seraphina.
"Kill me," I muttered.
[System: No can do. Your death would make the engagement more romantic.]
To be continued…