Billowing ash exploded into the air. It shot in an aimless column, then spiraled, reaching like an arm to grasp its target. The girl spat ash for fifteen straight seconds, only cutting the stream when there was a small mountain in front of her.
"Jeez! You'll hurt somebody tossing around stuff like that!" Naruto said.
The ash had enveloped the spot where he'd been, but he was no longer there, standing a few steps to the side with his hands up for peace.
"I'm just saying, in general, look where you're aiming before you throw up. Especially if you vomit clouds of burning ash. You should probably get that checked out— Whoops!"
Naruto was forced to dive aside as a column of ash blasted past in the shape of a dragon. Before he could move the girl was on top of him, delivering an axe-kick that made her cloak flutter out behind her. Naruto blocked with his arms, not budging as the kick collided with his guard.
For a moment they looked at each other. Naruto's blue eyes stared between his unmoving arms while the Tsuchikage's granddaughter glared down at him, a bit of apprehension entering her eyes.
Until all of a sudden, Naruto hastily broke the stalemate. His arms collapsed and he hurled himself back to dodge the kick. Naruto bounced and skidded across the ground, rolled a few times, and came to a stop in a heap.
"My back!" he moaned, wildly rubbing his spine through his shirt. "My back's still tweaked! Stupid tree branches! Dumb bark! Once I'm rich, I'm investing a billion Ryō into logging!"
His opponent stopped. Instead of pressing the advantage that had fallen into her lap, she looked at Naruto with disdain… and for some reason, as she did, her lower lip quivered.
"Give up!" she said. "I want to take you back alive. But if you resist, I won't hesitate to do what I have to."
"Funny. We don't have any reason to keep you alive, Kurotsuchi."
The Tsuchikage's granddaughter darted backwards at the first hint of bloodlust. Kunai struck the ground where she'd been. The one closest to her was enveloped in a puff of smoke as a bald shinobi appeared in its place. He lunged, wielding a kusarigama— a chain with a one-handed scythe on one side and a spiked ball on the other.
He slashed with the scythe but the girl leaned back just enough to make it miss her neck. Spinning the chain, the shinobi followed up by launching the spiked ball like a bullet. Kurotsuchi tilted her head to the side, letting it whistle past her ear. Smirking, the shinobi yanked the chain of his weapon.
Kurotsuchi snapped a foot up, turning her torso to easily lift her leg above her head. A milky thigh slid into sight through a slit in her maroon dress. Faster than could be seen, she landed a high kick on the nukenin's head. His last attack — pulling the spiked ball toward the back of her scalp — flew past her and hit him. He fell in a spray of blood. Kurotsuchi scanned her surroundings.
The missing-nin had arrived. It wasn't clear to Naruto which one spoke before, but their shared intent was obvious. Still rubbing his back, he picked himself off of the ground, inching out of the firing line.
I don't believe that's going to work, Kyu said.
"Get them!" roared one of the missing-nin.
There were nineteen total. It was twenty before Kurotsuchi put one down. Naruto's eyes widened as two ninja in threadbare chūnin jackets ran at him while the rest went for Kurotsuchi.
"Yo, wrong guy!" Naruto said, ducking a kunai that nearly clipped a bit of his blond hair. "I'm not a kage's grandkid! I don't have parents at all, let alone grandparents!"
"Bad luck," spat one of the missing-nin. "Should've run when you had the chance. Don't worry. You'll have plenty of company on the way to the afterlife."
They can't be reasoned with, Kyu said. Humans are ever-pitiful, but they grow extra pathetic when money is involved. Now that you're here, they may have to split the reward with you. The Iwa brat falling will only make the hunting dogs turn on each other.
Naruto groaned. "This is why I hate missing-nin!"
The ones attacking him were both men. One had dark hair while the other's hair was long and blond. Both were using nothing but kunai and taijutsu. They wanted to conserve their chakra. Kyu was right: even if Kurotsuchi died, that wouldn't be the end of the deaths today.
It happened in an instant. The long-haired nukenin tried to stab out Naruto's jugular, his partner aiming for Naruto's stomach. Naruto dodged to the side, bent forward until he was nearly on all-fours, and snapped up to land an uppercut. He caught the closer ninja on the jaw, lifting him off his feet. Naruto spun, slamming a back kick into the second enemy's kidney. The man was blasted away, rolling thrice before his body came to a stop.
Apparently, even this much exceeded the enemies expectations for him. No one else was coming after Naruto, affording him a minute to watch Kurotsuchi work.
As the Third Kazekage's granddaughter, Naruto expected her to be a big shot. He'd known she was skilled the moment that they passed each other in the street. But to watch her dismantle twelve ninja at the same time still made him want to clap.
Don't. Kyu's voice was pained. My jinchuriki's actions reflect back on me, and there are levels of embarrassment even I cannot stomach. Ninja do not clap.
"Even when they see something that cool?" Naruto asked.
Kurotsuchi was twisting through the crowd, blocking punches and dodging blades. She had a prancing style of taijutsu full of flashy kicks. Yet she timed each of them so well that even moves which should have been obvious broke through guards and flattened experienced shinobi.
As Naruto watched, she literally stepped on one shinobi's face, kicking off to throw herself twenty feet into the air, her dress fluttering.
"Think he got a good view out of that?" Naruto asked.
…Not all matters require my input, Kyu said.
Seeing their enemy airborne, the missing nin leapt at the opening. Most hurled kunai, but two used jutsus. One spat out a glob of lightning while the other created discs of razor wind. Naruto looked at the spheres of air and wrinkled his nose. "That's it?"
Kurotsuchi was already forming a long string of hand signs. At the end, her cheeks expanded briefly, followed by a cloud being spat from her lips.
"Yōton: Quicklime!" she shouted.
The cloud was more than smoke. A gooey, vaguely rocky substance easily ate not just the weapons in its path, but even the ninjutsu. There was nothing the nukenin could do but take the hit.
It didn't put them out of the fight. Instead, it stuck to their bodies like gum, dirtying them but not, necessarily, causing injury. More than a few laughed with relief… until the second jutsu hit.
"Suiton: Water Trumpet!"
Water hit the nukenin hard enough to sprain bones. They would have been beaten against the ground, but they couldn't even fall. The moment water made contact with them the quicklime all over their bodies turned as hard as iron, freezing them in place. They were helpless to move an inch as Kurotsuchi delicately landed on the face of the man she used as a springboard. She balanced effortlessly, staying alert.
"...He's probably still getting a killer view, don't you think?" Naruto said.
Focus! Kyu barked.
Kurotsuchi hurled herself to the side. Milliseconds later, a beam of concentrated lightning cut through the place she'd been. It was an A-class technique— incomparable to the weak efforts of the men she'd taken down.
Naruto surveyed their surroundings. Good news was, there were only five missing-nin left! The bad news was that all five gave off a different vibe. Three were men, two were women, and all of them completely focused on Kurotshuchi. Among them was the bald man with no emotion who spoke up back during the meeting. When Naruto heard his voice again, he realized this was who had spoken up at the start of the fight: the one who first called Kurotsuchi by her name.
"You've improved," he said. "The last time I saw you, you came up to my hip. Do you remember me? I wasn't your favorite guard, but you liked me more than some of the others."
"I've never seen your face in my life," Kurotsuchi said.
The man just chuckled as if that was a good joke.
There was a tense moment where nothing happened. Suddenly, Kurotsuchi ran.
Her muscular quads designed for kicking flexed as they propelled her away at top speed. She didn't seem to have a plan beyond the general direction she was running: back toward Earth Country.
"Why are we running?" Naruto asked.
Kurotsuchi nearly missed a step, a mistake that would have sent her tumbling. She gaped as she found Naruto right beside her, keeping pace.
"We are not running anywhere!" she said. "You are a high-priority target, and I came here to capture you! Right now I'm making a temporary tactical retreat! You are following me for no good reason!"
She tried to swipe Naruto's legs, but he hopped the strike seemingly without trying. Kurotsuchi completed the motion by spinning in a full circle, barely losing speed, but even small delays mattered in this situation.
One of the female kunoichis chasing them burst from the ground, nearly wrapping her arms around Kurotsuchi's ankles.
Her mistake was using earth techniques against a member of Iwa's royalty. Kurotsuchi turned the earth itself against the woman, compressing it in an instant using just one hand sign. The woman managed to grab Kurotsuchi's legs, but just as quickly went limp as her lower half, still buried in the dirt, was crushed under an immense increase in pressure.
That was one down, but it wasn't a clean victory. The time that was wasted allowed the others to catch up. Kurotsuchi was forced into a furious taijutsu bout against a shinobi much bigger than her who shrugged off her best kicks. She pushed off his chest, creating distance to use her ninjutsu, but the enemy was ready. The missing-nin with a lightning affinity shot another dense beam. It would have pierced Kurotsuchi's arm at best — her neck at worst — if Naruto didn't pull her out of the way by the back of the shirt.
"You were doing great against the rest of them," Naruto said. "Can't you get rid of these guys too?"
"They're different!" Kurotsuchi hissed.
She's right, Kyu said. I know you sense it too, Naruto.
There were only four of them, subtracting the kunoichi that Kurotsuchi bisected, but they carried an oppressive aura that the rest of the group lacked. These were all jōnin— and some of them, if Naruto had to guess, were elite even within that rank.
"The bald one claims he was one of my guards," Kurotsuchi said quietly. "I don't recognize him… But if he's telling the truth, that means he's an ANBU veteran, possibly a captain. I don't know the others, but they're skilled."
"Have you realized it?" asked the de-facto leader, Kurotsuchi's ex-guard. "You must know that you're outmatched. Why else would you run?"
While the bald man spoke, the others spread out. The big man that engaged Kurotsuchi in taijutsu moved forward, while the other two moved to get different angles. They were setting up a killzone, prepared to wipe Kurotsuchi out with an explosion of ninjutsu.
"The others were fools," said the bald ninja. "They didn't realize that we were using them, letting them attack first. Thanks to them, we were able to get a good grasp of your abilities… and their limits."
"Four ways, huh?" Kurotsuchi said. "I wonder how much you're being paid. Splitting it with that many people… doesn't it hurt your pride?"
The man laughed. Which was really creepy, because his expression didn't change. His lips didn't even twitch.
"Pride?" he said. "We're missing-nin. That's the first thing we lost." He paused briefly, tilting his head. "It's a decent strategy, trying to sow division. Unfortunately for you, we dislike risks even more than we like money. There's no reason to fight you alone."
"He's right," Naruto admitted. "Even if they fought each other and killed us, Suna's likely to kill the survivor. If there's four of them left, they're less likely to be betrayed when getting paid. They know their stuff!"
"Would you shut up?" Kurotsuchi snapped.
She forced herself to take a deep breath. Her fists kept clenching tighter, then forcibly relaxing. She's frightened, Kyu said. How pathetic.
"They've gotten into position now," Kurotsuchi whispered. "I estimate we've got fifteen seconds before they attack. I don't know why they're trying to kill you too, and I don't care. You're Naruto Uzumaki aren't you? Even if it's only for that thing in your stomach, your designation is S-class! It's the whole reason I came here—" She forced herself to refocus with a calming breath. "We're out of choices. You have to fight with everything you have if we're going to survive this. Do you understand?!"
Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "I mean, I totally would! But I've been having a pretty terrible day. I barely ate breakfast, and then a bunch of people made fun of me, and worst of all my back—"
There wasn't any grand announcement. A lightning jutsu in the shape of a dragon flew at them at blistering speed. From the other side, water bullets flew at them even faster. There was no way to defend themselves. Any shield would be soaked by the water, then torn apart by the empowered A-rank lightning attack. Their only choice was to dodge. Kurotsuchi went forward, Naruto went back.
This was a fight for keeps. There was no advantage for any side in dragging this out. The missing-nin wanted no casualties, because none of them were willing to risk their lives. Kurotsuchi didn't have the stamina to fight endlessly. Every move carried the intent to kill.
The close-combat specialist charged her. He cocked back a bear-like fist, bringing it down like a cudgel. Kurotsuchi went to block him with a single hand. The man grinned victoriously.
It was a feint. Sticky quicklime coated her palm, and instead of remaining firm she moved with the blow, sticking her palm to his hand. She used her grip to redirect his momentum, throwing him over her hip. Her other hand formed a Tiger Sign. She spat high-heat flames directly into his face, ending him before he could guard himself.
Kurotsuchi cut the chakra in her quicklime, allowing her to tear her hand away, but the brief opening hadn't been missed. Water and lightning jutsu were already bearing down on her.
The lightning technique was diverted by Naruto, who bodychecked the kunoichi responsible for it, sending the bolts of lightning sailing into the sky. Kurotsuchi raised a clumsy earth shield that, with a type advantage in its favor, halted the water bullets.
Kurotsuchi charged the lightning user as they attacked Naruto. Blindsided by her original target (and taxed from using multiple draining techniques), the missing-nin fell behind.
She stabbed Kurotsuchi in the side, catching the girl in a non-lethal area. It was a move of desperation, leaving the missing-nin open. The kick Kurotsuchi landed in return was one she didn't rise from.
The shinobi using water techniques looked around, seeing that three from his side had fallen and only two of them were left. So he ran. Like they said, there was nothing a nukenin hated more than risking their own lives.
Watching one enemy run and seeing no others in sight, Kurotsuchi relaxed slightly. It was miniscule, but that was enough to dull her reactions.
The ground came alive.
It was a tsunami of ravenous sand that absorbed everything it touched. At least a hundred feet wide, it ripped trees out of the ground and sent hundreds of birds fluttering into the Tori no Kuni sky.
Kurotsuchi managed to shield herself somewhat. She used her chakra to slow the sand around her, lessening the force it hit her with. But that wasn't the end of the technique. Once they were trapped, boulders appeared above them, hovering in the air ready to crash down.
The last nukenin appeared standing on the sand he'd created as if it was a solid surface. He looked at Kurotsuchi, who was buried up to her neck, ignoring the spikes of blond hair that were sticking out of the sand beside her. There was venom in her eyes as she looked back.
"Do you remember me now?" he asked.
"Sadai!" Kurotsuchi spat. "Grandpa practically raised you! What have you done to yourself? Your jutsus are the only part that's the same, you ungrateful dog!"
"If we're dogs, then at least I'm off my leash," Sadai said. "I can't say that of you. It's a shame that your first time leaving your pampered home will end in your death. But welcome to the world. I'm not ungrateful in the slightest. Your head will be a perfect surprise for your grandfather: a way of thanking him for all the years he robbed me of, ordering me around like a slave."
Kurotsuchi spat at him, ash mixed in. It wasn't an attack, just a desperate final middle finger. Sadai's fingers sped through hand signs.
"Doton: Garden of Gravity!" he said.
The sand parted as Naruto burst out, having swum free until he broke the surface.
"I've goth thand in ma mouth!" he said, his tongue sticking out.
He hopped around so frantically that he loosened the sand around Kurotsuchi's hands. She activated a jutsu of her own, swimming through the earth in order to escape to a safe distance. Naruto was left alone in the blast zone, crushed under a barrage of boulders.
"Fuck!" Kurotsuchi screamed, emerging a short distance away. "I wanted him alive!"
But Sadai's reaction was strange. He created a second round of boulders, bringing them down on the same spot. Naruto was pounded into the ground, a crater forming around him, and right as the force hit its apex—
A loud crack echoed over the impromptu battlefield.
"Oh. My. GOD!"
"That was his spine, right?" Sadai muttered. "That was his spine breaking. Right?"
The boulders lifted into the air as Naruto just… stood up, carrying a quarter of a mountain on his back and grinning ear to ear.
Sadai tried to form seals, but there was nothing to aim at. By the time he made three Naruto had disappeared.
"You fixed my back, man!" Naruto said. "You're the best chiropractor ever! When I'm rich, I'm hiring you full-time. You'll have a salary of ten million ryō a year!"
He gave Sadai a friendly clap on the back… creating a shockwave.
When Naruto swatted his shoulder Sadai was driven into a crater as large as the one he put Naruto in. Even stranger, his skin broke. The emotionless, bald appearance he'd been using crumbled away, revealing itself to be nothing but a defensive exoskeleton of dense earth. Underneath was a handsome man with wild black hair and crazy eyes— which were currently wide with pain.
"Oops." Naruto peered into the crater. "I guess I got a little worked up."
You're practically a tailed-beast with the unintentional damage you cause everywhere you go, Kyu said. Ah, but I'm not included in that assessment. I cause much more damage, and unlike my siblings, mine is always intentional.
Naruto ignored his passenger, hopping over to Kurotsuchi. He arrived in a blur, no longer going easy because of his aching back. When he landed in front of her, Kurotsuchi scrambled back, adopting a defensive taijutsu stance. Her chest rose and fell at an unhealthy rate.
"Hey, know him right?" Naruto said. "Can you give me his contact info? I'm really interested in his services in the future, but he's taking such a nice nap I'd hate to wake him…"
"He's a nukenin," Kurotsuchi said. "He's on the run from my village. We want to kill him. How would I have a way to contact him?"
"Kill him? I can't have that! He fixed my back up so fast with that massage!" Naruto rubbed his chin. "Maybe I should hide him somewhere. A safe house in Snow Country sounds good. With plenty of food, too, so that he doesn't get poached by someone else first. You've gotta treat your subordinates well if you wanna keep them."
You're broke, Kyu reminded him. You can't even feed yourself. Don't start adding more mouths.
"But—"
Don't.
"You're talking to it, aren't you?" Kurotsuchi said. She put a lot of effort into not letting her voice shake, and almost succeeded.
How rude, Kyu said. I'm far more than an it. I'm more than she can even fathom.
"Yep! I'm talking to the Nine-Tails," Naruto said. "I don't think she likes you. Hey, do you still want to fight? I'm ready to go now!"
For some reason, Kurotsuchi flinched.
There was a moment of silence between them, Naruto awaiting her answer with a curious look, until the silence was perforated— by his stomach rumbling. He had the decency to look bashful.
"You, uh, wouldn't happen to have enough money for an extra lunch first, would you?" Naruto asked. "I'll pay you back in the future! With interest! I'm not a thief… I'm just a little strapped for cash in the short term, that's all."
Just like that, Kurotsuchi had her way out.