The Rustcloud Sect was buzzing.
Flags flew. Disciples ran around in circles.
One guy lit himself on fire accidentally and called it "Fire Body Cultivation." No one stopped him.
> [System Notification: Mandatory Event Triggered]
Local Tournament: 'Southern Scrub Sect Showdown' begins in 2 hours.
Objective: Represent your sect. Or be mocked by every surrounding village grandma. Your call.
I blinked. "Wait, why me?"
> [Because you accidentally signed the tournament form. You thought it was a hot spring entry waiver.]
"…I really need to read things."
---
Main Arena – Two Hours Later
I stood in the middle of a rickety stage, wearing "Elder Robes" that smelled like pickled cabbage.
My opponent?
Tall. Smug. Muscles like he'd been sculpted by someone who watches too much JoJo.
Name: Han Fei – genius disciple of the neighboring sect Moonlight Edge Pavilion.
> "So… this is Rustcloud's hidden expert?"
"You look like a rejected side character."
I smiled. "I get that a lot."
> [SYSTEM AUTO-ENABLING COMBAT MODE]
Assigning Combat Skill: "Mystic Palm of Endless Slap" (Unranked, Experimental, May Cause Shame)
A card appeared in my hand:
> Skill: Mystic Slap of Supreme Velocity™
Description: You slap your opponent. Really fast. Maybe too fast. Side effects: whiplash, spiritual confusion, public humiliation.
"...This is my secret move?"
> [Would you prefer "Qi Fart of Confusion" instead?]
---
The match started.
Han Fei raised his hand, glowing with sword aura. The crowd gasped.
> "That's Moonlight Sect's signature technique!"
I charged.
Screaming.
Towel flying.
I slapped him across the face.
SLAP!
A perfect handprint appeared on his cheek.
The entire stadium fell silent.
Han Fei blinked. Then blinked again.
> "W-What kind of demonic art is—"
SLAP!
SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
I unleashed the full technique—ten slaps per second, each one resonating with my chaotic lack of cultivation. Like divine mosquitos from hell.
The crowd went wild.
> "So fast!"
"So shameful!"
"He's cultivating shame into Dao!"
"I want to be slapped like that—wait, no I don't—wait maybe?"
Han Fei dropped to his knees.
> "P-please… spare my face…"
---
[SYSTEM ALERT]
> You have defeated a Peak Qi Refinement Cultivator with Slap Arts.
Prize: "Ultimate Technique Scroll – ??? Tier"
I grabbed the scroll.
Unrolled it.
> Technique Name: "Mystic Pocket Sand"
Description: Throw sand in enemy's eyes. Bonus effect: none. It's literally sand.
"…What the hell is this, a playground technique?!"
> [Original reward was 'Sky-Shattering Void Sword.' It's been rerouted for internal bidding. You get Pocket Sand. Please understand.]
I threw the scroll in rage. It hit a squirrel. The squirrel became my beast companion out of pity.
---
After the Match
The sect master was weeping.
Mei was clapping in awe.
Somewhere, the Goddess who killed me was facepalming with divine shame.
> [You have been promoted: "Honorary Elder" → "Reluctant Champion."]
Perks: Slightly bigger shack, hot spring privileges reinstated, 10% discount at sect cafeteria (no noodles).
I raised my hands in victory.
Naked. Confused. Armed with slaps and sand.