00:08:30
Alex blinked, one eye twitching like a man trying to process whether the universe had really just handed him a cosmic bug zapper and a license to kill.
"Wait… you really mean… kill stuff for superpowers? Like... now? "
He swiveled his head around his cluttered apartment, the silence so thick you could spread it on toast. His eyes landed on the first challenger.
Cockroach.
Under the table.
Big, brown, and twitching its antennae like it was throwing shade. The audacity.
"No offense, buddy," Alex muttered, grabbing one of his crutches like a divine hammer and slamming it down with the grace of Thor having a bad day.
CRUNCH.
"Target eliminated. Periplaneta americana—Cockroach. Trait analysis: extreme durability, chemical resistance, low-level flight capacity, and neurological redundancy. Trait selected: Durability. Data stored for integration."
Alex raised a brow, impressed. "Huh. That was easy."
The digital blue timer hovered in his vision like a ticking promise of greatness.
00:08:17
A light bulb flicked on in Alex's head—or maybe it was just a burst vessel. Either way, he was grinning now.
He limped over to the table, where a fly buzzed obnoxiously near his leftover instant noodles, daring him to eat them.
"Not today, dengue dispenser."
He grabbed an old rolled-up copy of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, raised it like a scepter of doom, and unleashed the wrath of the ancients with a mighty WHAP.
"Target eliminated. Musca domestica—Housefly. Trait analysis: hyper-reactive visual processing, aerial maneuverability, and bacterial resilience. Trait selected: Reflex vision. Data stored."
He let out a low, triumphant laugh. "Guess I'm going to be the Exterminator, huh? "
His eyes drifted to the edge of the table. There they were—ants. Dozens of them. A tiny rice heist in progress, each insect carrying away a grain like it was the last meal before an apocalypse.
"Oh no you don't," he muttered, and with the solemnity of an ancient god, he brought down his palm in a righteous ant-pocalypse.
Smack!
"Target eliminated. Solenopsis geminata—Tropical Fire Ant. Trait analysis: cooperative coordination, enhanced pheromone detection, and weight-lifting capacity x50. Trait selected: strength ratio. Data stored."
00:07:29
Alex chuckled darkly. "I'm getting stronger from ants? Darwin would be proud."
Next stop: bathroom.
As he swung open the door, his eyes locked onto a house spider lurking in the upper corner near the mirror like it had paid rent.
With zero hesitation, Alex grabbed a slipper.
THWACK!
"Target eliminated. Parasteatoda tepidariorum—common house spider. Trait analysis: silk production, venom efficiency. Trait selected: acute vibration sensitivity. Data stored."
00:06:33
He stared at the carcass of the late Spidey and whispered, "Thanks for your service."
A strange buzz coursed through his veins—not quite power yet, more like... the prelude. Like all the wiring was in place and someone was about to flip the breaker.
Adrenaline surging, Alex glanced at the timer.
00:06:01
His studio unit was officially tapped out. He needed more raw material.
"Time to expand the hunting grounds," he muttered, grabbing his second crutch and flinging open his apartment door like a man possessed—or on a weird scavenger hunt.
He hurried down the stairs two steps at a time, cringing every few hops as his back protested. The building creaked in sympathy.
Behind the complex, the world was wild. Untamed. Glorious.
A tiny jungle of weeds, banana peels, and broken dreams flourished in the lot behind his apartment. And right there, sitting on a wild hibiscus like it owned the plant, was a grasshopper. Hovering nearby, glinting in the sun like a flying jewel, was a dragonfly.
With all the grace of a sleep-deprived ninja, Alex lunged.
CLAP!
Two-for-one special.
"Target eliminated. Melanoplus sanguinipes—Grasshopper. Trait: Leg strength, compound vision, acoustic communication. Trait selected: jumping power."
"Target eliminated. Pantala flavescens—Globe Skimmer Dragonfly. Trait: Independent wing control, long-distance stamina. Trait selected: Aerial agility."
He grinned so wide it nearly split his face.
"Holy crap."
A soft, disapproving cough cut through the air behind him.
Tita Menchie.
Fabled resident of Unit 1B. Keeper of laundry wisdom and unsolicited advice. Standing there, clutching a laundry basket like a shield against sin.
She looked him up and down with the disappointment of an entire barangay.
"Alex! What in San Pedro's name are you doing? "
Alex wiped his insect-covered hands on his shirt like a mad scientist caught mid-breakthrough. "Scientific research, Tita! I'm… developing a new organic pesticide."
She squinted at him like she was about to summon the barangay captain.
"You're thirty years old and still playing with bugs. Shame! "
He gave her a chipper thumbs-up. "Thanks for the support, Tita! "
00:03:44
Time was running out. He dropped to his knees and began yanking clumps of grass like a desperate botanist on meth. His fingers dug into the earth, pulling at green strands with all the intensity of someone looting a fantasy herb patch.
"Target eliminated. Axonopus compressus—Carpet Grass. Trait analysis: phototropic awareness, rapid root regrowth. Trait selected: Photosynthesis."
"I can photosynthesize now? " he cackled. "Tita Menchie, I'm going to be my own solar panel! "
"I don't know what you're on, hijo, but you need Jesus! " she declared, swinging her slipper with priest-like conviction.
Alex bolted, giggling under his breath, ducking the holy chancla as he hobbled back up the stairs.
00:01:22
Back in the apartment, breathless, shirt half-soiled, and grinning like a lunatic, he leaned against the wall. The timer was ticking down to single digits.
That's when he saw it—movement on the ceiling.
A gecko.
It stared at him like it knew it was about to become history.
"Sorry, buddy," Alex whispered.
With one final burst of heroic slipper-throwing skill, he took aim.
THWACK!
"Target eliminated. Hemidactylus frenatus—common house gecko. Trait analysis: wall adhesion, regenerative tail, low-heat stealth. Trait selected: Regeneration."
00:00:02
00:00:01
00:00:00
"Reboot complete. System integration commencing."
And then came the pain.
Oh, sweet mango-flavored agony.
Alex collapsed to his knees as a lightning bolt of pure torment crashed through his body. It wasn't skin-deep—it was marrow-deep. His muscles spasmed, bones groaned, and blood cells sang an aria of suffering.
It was like being microwaved on high while simultaneously deep-fried in cosmic oil.
In his mind, he saw it—a glowing sentient entity orchestrating a symphony of genetic chaos. DNA strands lit up like Christmas lights. Cells burst, reformed, and twisted. New pathways opened. Old wounds screamed.
He couldn't move.
Couldn't breathe.
Couldn't scream.
He was dying.
And being reborn.
When he thought he'd finally dissolve into a puddle of evolutionary goo—
"Integration complete. Host survival confirmed. New genetic profile installed. Final input required: Choose your class."
Barely conscious, with smoke practically coming out of his ears, Alex croaked a single word.
"Druid…"
"Class selected: Druid. System saved. Initiating hibernation mode for neural recovery."
The world spun.
Then it turned black.
And Alex, part-time call center agent and full-time biological miracle, collapsed on the floor like a genetically upgraded sack of potatoes.