Being a baby sucks.
You have no teeth, no money, and people think it's funny when you fart.
But worst of all? No freedom.
I, Monkey D. Iron — future pirate king, strongest under the moon, and master of sick one-liners — refuse to be trapped in this crib like some helpless larva.
So… it's time for my first escape plan.
Operation: Crib Breakout.
Step One: Test the bars.
I waited until Dragon passed out (which he does instantly after dinner) and until Garp left the house for his nightly "barbell boulder lifting" or whatever insane training he does. I crawled to the edge of the crib, grabbed one of the wooden bars, and gave it a good shake.
Nothing.
I cursed in baby language.
"Bluh… bluh bluhhh…"
Step Two: Use my moon power.
It was a waxing gibbous tonight — not a full moon yet, but getting there. I could feel a faint tingling in my tiny arms. It's like the moon was whispering, "Hey buddy, you got this."
I grabbed the bar again. Focused.
Slight glow. A crack appeared.
I was in business.
Step Three: The Great Crawl.
Once I pried a gap wide enough, I squeezed my chubby baby body through. Not gonna lie — my head got stuck for a second. I panicked. For a terrifying five seconds, I thought this was it.
"This is how Monkey D. Iron dies… head stuck in a crib."
But with one final push, I popped through and landed on the floor like a sack of turnips.
Nailed it.
Step Four: Celebrate.
I giggled. A victorious, smug little baby laugh.
"Puhuhuhu…"
Dragon snored, completely oblivious. Loser.
Step Five: Freedom.
I made my way toward the door. The moonlight shined through the window, and I swear, in that moment, I felt like a hero in a dramatic painting. The tiny silhouette of a baby crawling toward his destiny.
I reached the door…
…and realized I had no idea how to open a door.
Crap.
I slapped it a few times. Tried to pull on the cloth hanging from the handle. Nothing.
That's when the door creaked open on its own.
Standing there… was Garp.
Grinning like a devil.
"Well, well, well… trying to run away, are ya?"
Uh oh.
He picked me up by the back of my baby shirt like a naughty puppy. I considered throwing a punch but remembered my moon power was only at half-charge.
Another day, old man. Another day.
He chuckled.
"GWAHAHAHA! This one's got guts!"
He tossed me back into the crib like a football.
I sighed.