A big servant, of whom I shall say much, had most of my attention;
she went to her room usually when my mother was taking a nap in the
afternoon; or when out with my sisters and brother. When I was ill in
bed, this big woman usually brought me beef-tea, I used to make her kiss
me, and felt so fond of her, would throw my arms around her, and hold
her to me, keeping my lips to hers, and saying how I should like to see
her breasts; to all which she replied in the softest voice, as if I were
a baby. I wonder now if my homage gave the big woman pleasure, or
my amatory pressures made her ever feel randy. She was engaged to be
married, but I only heard that at a later day, when my mother talked
about her; her sister was also with us, as already said.
The sister was handsome, according to my notions then (I now begin to
remember faces clearly); both had bright, clear complexions. I kissed
both, each used to say, "Don't tell my sister," and ask, "Have you
kissed my sister?" I was naturally cunning about women, and my mother
said, she must get rid of them.
The youngest was often dancing my little sister round in the room, then
swinging herself round, and making cheeses with her petticoats. As I got
better, I would lay on the rug with a pillow, and my back to the light
reading, and say it rested me better, to be on the floor, but in hope of
seeing her legs as she made cheeses. I often did, and have no doubt now
that she meant me to do so, for she would swing round, quite close to my
head, so that I could see to her knees, and make her petticoat's edge
as she squatted, just over my head, immediately snatching her petticoats
back and saying: "Oh! you'll see more than is good for you."
It used to excite me. One day as she did it, and squatted, I put out
my hand and pulled her clothes, she rolled on to her back, threw up
her legs quite high, and for a second I saw her thighs; she recovered
herself, laughing. "I saw your thighs," said I. "That you didn't." One
day she let me put my hand into her bosom; I sniffed. "What's there to
smell?" said she. I have some idea that she used to watch me closely,
when I was with her sister, as she was always looking after her, and
before she kissed me, would open the door suddenly or go out of the
room, and then return. I've seen the other sister just outside the door
of the room, when suddenly opened.
The big sister must have been five feet nine high, and large in
proportion; the impression on my mind, is that she was two and twenty:
that age dwells in my recollection, and that my mother remarked it. She
had brown hair and eyes, I recollect well the features of the woman.
Her lower lip was like a cherry, having a distinct cut down the middle,
caused she said by the bite of a parrot, which nearly severed her lip
when a girl. This feature I recollect more clearly than anything else.
My mother remarked that though so big, she was lighter in tread, than
anyone in the house, her voice was so soft, it was like a whisper or a
flute; her name was I think Betsy.
I had none of the dash, and determination towards females, which I had
in after life; was hesitating, fearful of being repulsed, or found
out, but was coaxing and wheedling. Betsy used to take charge of my two
little sisters (there was no regular nursery then), and used to sit with
them in a room adjoining our dining room; it had a settee, and a large
sofa in it, we usually breakfasted there. She waited also at table, and
did miscellaneous work. I am pretty certain that we had then no man in
the house. I used to lie down on the sofa in this room. One day I talked
with her about her lip, put my head up and said: "Do let me kiss it."
She put her lips to mine, and soon after if I was not kissing her
sister, I was kissing her regularly, when my mother was out of the way.
One day when she went up to her bed-room, I went softly after her, as
I often did, hoping to hear her piddling. Her door was ajar, one of
my little sisters was in the room with her, I expect I must have had
incipient randiness on me. She taught the child to walk up stairs in
front of her, holding her up, and in stooping to do so, I had glimpses
of her fat calves. At the door, I could not see her wash, that was done
at the other side of the room, but I heard the splash of water, and to
my delight, the pot moved, and her piddle rattle. The looking-glass was
near the window. Then she moved to the glass, and brushed her hair, her
gown off, and now I saw her legs, and most of her breast, which looked
to me enormous.
Then I noticed hair in her armpits; it must have been the first time I
noticed any thing of the sort, for I told a boy afterwards, that grown
women had hair under their armpits; he said every fool knew that. When
she had done brushing, she turned round, and passing the door, shut it:
she had not seen me.
I fell in love with this woman, an undefined want took possession of me,
I was always kissing her, and she returned it without hesitation. "Hush!
your mamma's coming"; then she would work, or do something with the
children if there, as demurely as possible. I declare positively as I
write this, that I believe I gave that woman a lewed pleasure in kissing
me, her kisses were so much like those I have had from women, I have
fucked in after years, so long, and soft, and squeezing.
One day, I was in the sitting-room laying on the sofa reading, she
sitting and working; where the children were, where my mother was, I
can't say: they must have been out, why this servant was in the room
with me alone, I don't know. On a table was something the doctor had
ordered me to sip, from time to time. "Come and sit near me, I like to
touch you, dear" (I used to say dear to her). She drew her chair to the
sofa, so that her thighs were near my head, she handed me my medicine,
I turned on one side, put my head on her lap, and then my hand on her
knee. "Kiss me." "I can't." I moved my head up and she bent forward and
kissed. "Keep your face to mine, I want to tell you something." Then
I told her I had seen her brushing her hair, her breasts, her armpits.
"Oh! you sly boy! you naughty boy! you must not do it again, will you?"
"Won't I, if I get the chance; put your head down, I've something more
to tell you." "What?" "I can't if you look at me; put your ear to my
mouth."
****
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