My physique could not then have been strong, nor my sexual organs in
finished condition, because I am sure that up to that time, I had
not had a spend; perhaps my growing fast and the fever, may have had
something to do with it. My father came home broken hearted I have
heard, and ill. Soon after we only kept two female servants, a man
outside the house, and a gardener. Father was ordered to the sea-side,
my mother went with him, taking the children and one servant (all went
by coach then). One of father's sisters, my aunt, a widow, came to take
charge of our new house, and brought her daughter, a fair, slim girl,
about 16 years old.
I remained at home, so as to go to school; the servant left in the house
was a pleasant, plump young woman, dark haired, and was always laughing;
she was to do all the work. My godfather who lived a mile or two away
from us, and whose maiden sister kept house for him, was to see me
frequently, and did so till I was sick of him. Every half-holiday,
he made me spend with him in walking, and riding; he insisted on my
boating, cricketting and keeping at athletic games, when not at my
studies. The old doctor I expect guessed my temperament, and thought by
thoroughly occupying, and fatiguing me, to prevent erotic thoughts. He
wanted me to stay at his house, but I refused, and it being a longer way
from my school, it was not persisted in.
My aunt slept in my parents bed-room, my cousin in the next room. I was
taken down, during my parents' absence, from the upper floor, to sleep
on the same floor as my aunt. They had not been in the house a week
before I had heard my cousin piddle, and stood listening outside her
bed-room door, night after night, in my bed-gown, trying to get a
glimpse of her charms through the key-hole, but was not successful.
I made up to the servant, beginning when she was kneeling, by putting
myself on her back. It made her laugh, she gave her back a buck up, and
threw me over; then I kissed her, and she kissed me. She and my aunt
quarrelled, my aunt was very poor and proud, and wanted a hot dinner at
seven o'clock, I my dinner in the middle of the day. The servant said
she could not do it all. The girl said quietly to me, "I'll cook for you,
don't you go without, let her do without anything hot at night." She did
not like her. My aunt said she was saucy and would write to my mother
and complain that she wasted her time with the gardener. Godfather then
renewed his offer for me to stay with him, but I would not, for I was
getting on very comfortably with the servant in kissing, and things
settled themselves somehow. I learnt the ways of my aunt, and tried to
get home when she was out, so as to be alone with the servant; but
to escape both aunt and godfather was difficult. I did so at times by
saying I was going out with the boys somewhere, on my half-holidays, or
something of the sort, but was rarely successful.
The servant went to her bed-room, one afternoon; with palpitating
heart I followed her, and pushed her on to the bed. She was a cheeky,
chaffing, woman, and I guess knew better than I did, what I was about. I
recollect her falling back on to the bed, and showing to her knees. "Oh
I what legs!" said I, "Nothing to be ashamed of," said she. Whatever my
wishes or intentions might have been, I went no further. My relations
were of course cut.
Another day we romped, and pelted each other with the pillows from her
bed, she stood on the landing, I half way down the stairs, and kept when
I could, my head just level with the top of the landing on which she
was, so that as she whisked backwards and forwards, picking up the
pillows to heave at me, I saw up to her knees. She knew what she was
about, though I thought myself very cunning to manage to get such
glimpses. On the landing I grappled with her for a pillow, and we rolled
on the floor. I got my hand up her clothes, to her thighs, and felt the
hair. "That's your thing," said I with a burst of courage. "Oh! oh!" she
laughed, "what did you say?" "Your thing!" "My thing! what's that?" "The
hole at the bottom of your belly," said I, ashamed at what I uttered.
"What do you mean? who told you that? I've no hole." It is strange but
a fact, that I had no courage to say any more, but left off playing, and
went down stairs.
On occasions afterwards, I played more roughly with her, and felt her
thighs; but fear prevented me from going further up. She gave me lots of
opportunities, which my timidity, prevented me from availing myself of.
One day she said: "you are not game for much, although you are so big,"
and then kissed me long and furiously, but I never saw her wants, nor my
chances that I know of, though I see now plainly enough, that boy as I
was, she wanted me to mount her.
About that time,--how I got it, I know not,--I had a book describing the
diseases caused by sacrificing to Venus. The illustrations in the book,
of faces covered with scabs, blotches, and eruptions, took such hold
of my mind, that for twenty years afterwards, the fear was not quite
eradicated. I showed them to some friends, and we all got scared. I had
no definite idea of what syphilis, and gonorrhea were, but that both
were something awful, we all made up our minds. My godfather also used
to hint now to me about ailments men got, by acquaintance with loose,
bad, women; perhaps he put the book in my way. Frigging also was treated
of, and the terrible accounts of people dying through it, and being
put into straight waistcoats, etc., I have no doubt was useful to me.
Several of us boys were days in finding out what the book meant, by
masturbation, ononism, or whatever, the language may have been. We used
dictionaries and other books to help us, and at last one of the biggest
boys explained the meaning to us.
One evening my aunt being out (it was not I think any plan on my part),
I had something to eat, and then went into the kitchen, where the
servant was sitting at needle-work by candle-light. I talked, kissed,
coaxed her, began to pull up her clothes, and it ended in her running
round the kitchen, and my chasing her; both laughing, stopping at
intervals, to hear if my aunt knocked. "I'll go and lock the outer
gate," said she, "then your aunt must ring, if she comes up to the door,
she will hear us, for you make such a noise." She locked it and came
back again.
****
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