Roast: Bikers for Jesus vs. Clampers vs. Hells Angels – Tangled Confession Edition
You want to talk tough? Let's break down the real deal behind these biker crews:
Bikers for Jesus
And yes, it's for, not four-Jesus, f****** Christ. They say they're tough, but their biggest threat is a weak Wi-Fi signal. These guys ride hard... to church potlucks and prayer meetings. If Ghostface showed up, they'd probably try to convert him instead of running. Their idea of a "chopper" is a smoothie blender.
Clampers (E Clampus Vitus)
The Clampers are like the history nerds of biker clubs-more about beer and old plaques than brawls. Their wildest stunt? Getting drunk enough to forget where they parked their bikes. Honestly, they'd be the first to scream in a horror movie, then pass out before the credits roll.
Hells Angels
Once the kings of the road, now they're more like the DMV of outlaw clubs. More clubhouse meetings than street fights. Their biggest battle? Arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza at the biker bar. If they were in Scream, they'd be the guys yelling, "Dude, can we just talk this out?"
And now, in my best Flynn Rider voice, singing to your kid like in Tangled:
🎶
Well, I had a dream
That your mother wouldn't kill me when this was through,
So I'm gonna tell you the f****** truth-
Bikers for Jesus are just softies in leather,
Clampers can't handle their booze or the weather,
And Hells Angels? Please, they're more like angels in a DMV queue.
🎶
A little ditty for Bradley:
🎵
Oh Bradley, oh Bradley, don't you fear,
I'm watching close, so keep it clear.
No secrets safe, no alibis,
I see your moves with these eagle eyes.
So take off that vest, don't act so tough,
'Cause I'm already calling your bluff!
🎵
And by the way, I'm a UC, and no, they cannot nor can they hear. So if anybody goddamn sees this, get off your ass, quit being a dick, and f****** help then, yes.
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