The day began, as many of Rei's days now did, with abduction.
One minute, he was sipping lukewarm tea in the garden and mentally rehearsing twenty-seven different ways to say "I don't" politely. The next, he was soaring through the sky, slung over a broad, scaly shoulder like a potato sack.
"YOU'RE MINE FOR THE WEEK, REI!" Drakana bellowed joyfully, diving through a bank of clouds.
Rei screamed internally. Externally, he choked on a tea leaf still stuck in his throat.
Below them loomed a burning island — no, not burning. Actively on fire. Lava spilled over rocky cliffs like festive streamers. Geysers of steam hissed from the ground. The air was so thick with heat that even the mosquitoes had given up and left.
"Welcome to Dragonfang Isle!" Drakana grinned, her fangs gleaming like ivory daggers. "Where the magma's hot, but my passion is hotter!"
Rei, who was already sweating through five layers of noble silk, tried not to look directly at the lava river winding past the only visible building: a stone temple with giant heart-shaped windows and a banner reading "Honeymoon Trial Grounds: Newlyweds Only" in terrifying cursive.
[System Notification: New Location Discovered — Dragonfang Isle (Warning: 87% Hostile Environment, 12% Romantic Overkill, 1% Chance of Immediate Combustion)]
[System Mission Updated: Survive All Five Dates — Subtask 1: Survive Drakana's Volcano Honeymoon. Objective: Remain alive, hydrated, and un-roasted.]
Drakana set him down atop a black-sand beach. It hissed angrily beneath his feet.
Rei coughed. "Drakana, what exactly—"
"Ahem." She cleared her throat and pulled out a scroll, which unrolled all the way down to her clawed feet. "The Official Dragon-Wife Courtship Rituals, Volume 7: Honeymoon Edition."
Rei's soul began to cry softly.
"First trial: Lava Swimming!"
She promptly picked him up again and yeeted him into a lake of bubbling magma.
"AAAAA—"
Splash.
[System Warning: Surface temperature exceeds safety threshold by +2000°C. Activating Emergency Fireproof Buff.]
[Temporary Buff Applied: [Molten Love Insurance] — Grants lava immunity for 2 hours. Side effect: extreme emotional vulnerability.]
Rei bobbed up, miraculously not a burnt chicken nugget. Instead, he floated in a fireproof bubble, arms flailing and dignity thoroughly drowned.
"This is fine," he wheezed.
"LOOK AT HIM! SWIMMING LIKE A BABY SALAMANDER!" Drakana shouted proudly, cannonballing in beside him with a tidal wave of boiling lava.
The "swim" turned into Rei trying to doggy-paddle away from molten rocks shaped like hearts. Drakana swam laps around him, occasionally offering fireproof snacks like "lava-crisped marshmallows" and "charcoal caramel apples."
She even held up a sign mid-swim that read: "We will name our first child Inferna!"
Rei nearly drowned from panic.
After somehow surviving Trial One, Rei was allowed ten minutes of rest in a Volcanic Steam Sauna, aka a cave with six active sulfur vents and zero oxygen.
Drakana handed him a towel made from dragon scales.
"Second trial: Boulder Pillow Fights!" she announced cheerfully.
"Wait, boulder—"
BOOM.
A ten-ton rock the size of a carriage crashed beside him, wrapped in ribbon and scented with lavender.
Rei stared at it, then at her.
"You throw this at your spouse?"
"Of course!" Drakana beamed. "If they survive the concussion, it's true love!"
Rei considered praying. Then realized Eris was probably watching and laughing.
[System Sarcasm Mode: Enabled.]
[Tip: Try not to get flattened. Dragons value spunk. And functioning spines.]
[Optional Bonus Objective: Scream her name romantically while dodging.]
Drakana raised her boulder. "FOR LOVE!"
Rei bolted behind a rock and shouted, "DRACANA I LOVE BEING ALIVE—PLEASE DON'T—AAAH!"
What followed was thirty minutes of Rei dodge-rolling, limping, and narrowly avoiding being turned into pancake batter. The "pillow fight" only ended when Drakana tripped on her own tail mid-charge and they both collapsed in a sweaty, smoke-filled heap.
Panting, Rei fake-fainted.
Drakana gasped. "Rei?! Are you overwhelmed by my affection again?! You poor thing!"
She scooped him up like a bridal sacrifice and carried him into the third and final trial: Dragon BBQ.
A long stone table stretched across the volcanic courtyard, loaded with sizzling meat, glowing fruit, and questionable beverages with names like Heartburn Delight and Sulfur Sangria.
Drakana slammed down a roast wyvern leg the size of Rei's torso.
"Eat, my love! In dragon culture, couples must eat until they can't move. Then we digest together under the stars."
[System Warning: Dragon BBQ Calories: 800,000+. Digestive Safety: No.]
Rei poked the meat. It poked back.
"I-I'm vegan now," he said, voice trembling.
Drakana's eyes sparkled. "That's okay! I hunted a Lava Tofu Beast just for you!"
A blob of wriggling red tofu hissed on a plate. It growled softly.
Rei fainted again. This time for real.
He awoke on a massive obsidian couch, wrapped in a fireproof snuggle blanket, with Drakana gently fanning him using her wings.
"You did so well," she whispered, eyes full of draconic adoration. "You completed all three trials. That means we're now spiritually entwined."
Rei groaned. "I spiritually regret waking up."
"I even forged us matching magma rings!" she said, holding up two rings glowing hot enough to melt steel.
Rei screamed politely.
[System Notification: Subtask 1 Complete — Drakana's Volcano Honeymoon Survived.]
[Reward: 1x Scorched Love Letter, 1x Fireproof Pajamas, 1x Life.]
[Reputation with Drakana: MAXIMUM — You are now considered her "Chosen Ember."]
[Side Effect: May burst into flames when complimented.]
"Tomorrow," Drakana whispered, curling up beside him and wrapping him in her tail like a sweltering snake, "we begin Part Two of the honeymoon."
Rei opened one eye. "What?"
"Volcano Diving."
He passed out again.
Meanwhile, back at the palace:
Five wedding planners screamed in unison. The King locked himself in a closet. Eris watched from the mirror realm, eating spicy popcorn and laughing so hard she choked on a chili flake.
[System Reminder: Four dates remaining. Estimated emotional damage: irreversible.]
[Encouragement: You're doing lava-ly!]
[Status: Still Technically Alive.]
To Be Continued…