It started, as all world-ending events do, with tea and a sneeze.
I was back in my room, finally alone after what I could only describe as a "romantic hostage situation" with Lucivella, the Demon Queen, in a starlit dimension that looked like it had been designed by a love-struck deity with a Pinterest addiction.
Everything had gone fine—if your definition of "fine" included a glowing soul-bond mark on my chest, an accidental sneeze that sounded suspiciously like "okay," and a demon queen sighing dreamily into a goblet of wine before whispering, "We're bound now… forever."
I needed a break.
So, there I was, sitting on the edge of my ridiculously oversized bed with gold trim, sipping tea hot enough to melt my internal organs, and muttering to myself.
"I'll deny everything. Plausible deniability. Classic strategy."
[SYSTEM NOTICE: Plausible Deniability Unavailable. Five Yandere Proposals Detected.]
[Soul-Bond Status: Lit. Literally.]
[Advice: Have you considered relocating to another dimension? Preferably one without oxygen.]
"Not helping, System," I muttered.
I took another sip.
The tea betrayed me.
"ACHOO—OKAY!"
It echoed. Loud. Dramatic. Reverberating off the high ceilings like a cannon blast. You could've sworn the gods themselves paused for a moment to take notes.
Silence followed.
Then… chaos.
Lilia's Room: Shrine of Questionable Devotion
Lilia, my childhood friend-turned-gentle-stalker, sat cross-legged in front of her wall-sized photo shrine of my sleeping face. Each photo was labeled with the date and time. There was even one from April 5th that read, "He twitched in his coma. I saw it."
She was delicately brushing a rose petal across a framed photo labeled "Rei Breathes Softly – Year 7."
Then she heard it.
"ACHOO—OKAY!"
Her eyes went wide. Her breath caught.
"…He consented."
She stood up so fast the petal burst into flames.
"It's happening… Our wedding is happening!"
She yanked a notebook titled "Rei's Ideal Wedding According to Me (And Only Me)" and began flipping through it.
"Dress Code: My blood type. Theme: Eternal Obsession. Vows: 'Till death do us part, and even then, I'll haunt you.' Perfect."
[Affection Level: MAXIMUM ENGAGEMENT.]
[Mood: Devoted. Dangerous. Doilies.]
Seraphina's Magic Library Tower of Monologues
High in her floating tower, Seraphina, elf princess and delusional romantic playwright, was penning her 127th sonnet titled "Ode to His Eyelashes: A Tragedy in Four Acts."
Then she heard it.
From ten stories up.
"ACHOO—OKAY!"
She dropped her quill.
A page fluttered down with the title: "He Agrees, Therefore We Wed."
"I knew it! His sneeze was laced with longing!"
She opened her spellbook and scribbled a wedding spell using an actual feather plucked from her royal phoenix.
"Ring design: Elven runes etched into his favorite spoon." She giggled. "He'll never see it coming."
[Affection Level: GENUINELY DANGEROUS.]
[Mood: Swan Dives Into Matrimony.]
Rosette's Closet Dungeon (She Moved In There, Apparently)
Rosette, the maid. Quiet. Stealthy. Deadlier than passive-aggressive notes in a workplace fridge.
She was sitting inside a closet, surrounded by surveillance crystals, polishing a knife labeled "For The Wedding Cake (and maybe other uses)."
"ACHOO—OKAY!"
She didn't even blink.
"He has accepted the pact."
She pulled out a black veil, donned it silently, and melted into the shadows like a bridal ninja.
[Affection Level: UNREGISTERED ENTITY – ERROR.]
[Mood: Blissfully Bloodthirsty.]
Drakana's Volcanic Spa of Muscle and Mayhem
Drakana, my dragon childhood friend turned muscle-obsessed warrior bride, was doing crunches in a pit of lava.
"ACHOO—OKAY!"
Her head snapped up. Her pupils turned into little heart-shaped infernos.
"He said it! He finally said it!"
She stood up, fists clenched. "Time to forge the ceremonial wedding blade!"
Then she lifted a molten boulder and drop-kicked it into the sky like it owed her money.
[Affection Level: MAXIMUM – FLAMING INTENSITY DETECTED.]
[Mood: Death By Snu-Snu.]
Lucivella's Starry Date Dimension
Lucivella, Demon Queen, soul-bonded goddess-tier hottie, was sitting beneath a phantom willow tree sipping afterglow wine.
"ACHOO—OKAY!"
She didn't move.
Just smiled.
"Consent sealed. Destiny obeyed."
She poured herself another glass and summoned a quill made of shadows.
"I suppose we should send the engagement notice. I'll mail it via dragonfire."
[Affection Level: Already Married In Her Head.]
[Mood: Soothing and Scary.]
Back To Me: Where It All Went Downhill
I had no idea I'd just become the star of "Five Weddings and a Funeral (Probably Mine)."
I was still rubbing my nose when I heard the rumble.
Boom.
Then—
CRASH.
The door exploded off its hinges like it had just gotten dumped by its long-time lover.
Standing in the ruined doorway were all five girls, each in their version of bridal attire.
Drakana had replaced her armor with a white battle-dress.
Seraphina wore floating, glowing silk.
Lilia had crafted a wedding gown using my old shirts.
Rosette appeared in a black funeral dress with lace.
Lucivella… just floated. She didn't need to try.
They all looked at me like I was the last donut in the universe.
"I brought my vows," Seraphina purred.
"I forged a ring… out of dragon bone," Drakana added.
"I already signed the marriage license in blood," Lilia whispered.
"I replaced your socks with mine. You've been wearing my proposal for days," Rosette said, blinking.
Lucivella floated down. "And I just need you to breathe. That's enough."
My tea spilled. "THIS IS A MISUNDERSTANDING!"
"You said okay," Lilia said firmly.
"You sneezed," Seraphina nodded. "Elven tradition recognizes that as spiritual acceptance."
"You twitched your left eyebrow," Rosette added. "Standard butler mating signal."
"You breathed in my presence," Drakana roared. "That's a full marriage in dragon lore!"
Lucivella sipped her wine. "You soul-bonded with me. This entire debate is irrelevant."
I backed up against the wall like a cornered raccoon.
"Can we please talk about this?! Maybe with a lawyer? Or an exorcist?"
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: EXORCIST UNAVAILABLE.]
[Engagement Status: QUINTUPLE CONFIRMED.]
[Survival Rate: Please Stop Checking. It's Depressing.]
I sprinted for the window.
Only to find Lucivella had replaced it with a magical heart-shaped mirror that whispered, "Welcome home, husband."
"NOPE."
I tried the secret dumbwaiter shaft.
Rosette was already in it, holding a bouquet of knives.
"I anticipated your escape route. Shall we go to the altar or the morgue?"
"GODS, WHY?!"
[SYSTEM : Because you're charming. Obviously.]
Meanwhile… At the Kingdom's Marriage Office
A bureaucrat named Mildred sat sipping cold coffee when five glowing scrolls slammed onto her desk like divine lightning.
Each one bore the title: Marriage Application — Groom: Rei Everhart.
All five had royal seals, magical endorsements, and one had a suspiciously blood-like wax stamp.
She flipped through them, squinting.
"All… for the same guy?"
She blinked.
Her pen trembled.
"Guess I'm filing this under 'Yandere Apocalypse.'"
She stamped them all.
STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.
"May the gods have mercy on his soul," she whispered.
Back In My Room: All Hope Is Gone
"You guys are being unreasonable!" I cried, holding a broom as a weapon.
"You made five proposals," Seraphina accused.
"I SNEEZED."
"Exactly," Lucivella said with a smile. "In my culture, that's how the gods chose their mates."
I dropped the broom.
I was defeated.
My knees buckled.
"Fine," I muttered. "Whatever. You win. I'm engaged. Happy?"
They all gasped with joy.
And from somewhere, a church bell rang.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: EMERGENCY OVERRIDE — AFFECTION LEVEL MAXED FOR ALL TARGETS.]
[You are now ENGAGED to 5 YANDERES.]
[Estimated survival chance: Statistically hilarious.]
The Marriage Office, One Minute Later
Clerks rushed in with the reports.
"Five royal weddings!"
"Same groom!"
"Each bride demands exclusivity!"
The chief clerk stared.
"This is gonna break the Kingdom's bureaucracy."
To be continued…