The house was quiet when I got in, save for the faint hum of the fridge and the slow tick of the wall clock in the hallway. I dropped my bag by the door, kicked off my shoes, and padded into my room, flicking on the lamp beside my bed.
Warm light spread across my walls, but it couldn't soften the storm inside me.
Nomi's voice kept replaying in my head—less her words and more the way she said them. The subtle pause. The careful tone. The way her concern folded into discomfort the moment she brought up the one thing I'd been too afraid to admit.
"She's a girl. You're a girl."
And I'd just laughed.
Like it was a joke.
Like she didn't mean anything by it.
But it did. It meant everything.
Now, lying in the silence, I kept replaying the scene. The teasing glint in Nomi's eyes. The curiosity behind her words. The open door she might've been holding for me to walk through.
And I didn't take it.
Instead, I acted like I had something to hide. Like I was embarrassed. Like I hadn't spent the last forty-eight hours reliving a kiss that shook me to my core. A kiss I still felt every time I swallowed.
Soshan.
Her name sat heavy in the air between the beats of my heart. I hadn't dared say it out loud, not even when I got home. But her name was stitched into everything tonight. The way I sighed. The way my lips still burned with memory. The way I ached.
And the worst part?
I couldn't stop thinking that maybe—maybe—if I had just said it right there in front of them, if I'd just owned it, looked Nomi in the face and said yeah, I like her, things wouldn't feel so heavy now.
Because Nomi has never been that girl—the one who flinches at difference or chokes on the word gay. She's always been the first to call out homophobic jokes, the loudest to defend people's rights online. She's ranted more than once about people who "claim to be supportive but can't stand the idea of their best friend being queer."
So why didn't I trust her?
Maybe I was scared to hear it out loud. Scared of the silence that might follow.
But maybe… just maybe… Nomi would've been fine with it. Maybe she would've shrugged and gone, "Well, damn. You could've told me sooner." And maybe Nova would've nodded in that quiet way she does, full of warmth and zero judgment
Because nova knew. I saw it in her eyes at the reading. She picked up on everything, but she didn't press. Didn't judge. And that small mercy felt like a lifeline.
Instead, I made it awkward. I laughed like it was ridiculous. Like me having feelings for another girl was laughable. Like Soshan didn't make my hands shake or my thoughts scatter or my chest tighten in ways no guy ever had.
But then again… maybe if I had said it—
I closed my eyes.
If I had said it… would she have still looked at me the same?
I rubbed my palms against my face and groaned softly into the pillow. Regret was a quiet, sharp thing. It didn't shout—it pressed.
I kept imagining an alternate version of the night: one where I admitted it, said the words, and finally felt the weight lift. One where Nomi didn't blink twice. Where she maybe even grinned and said, "About time."
I sat up slowly and pulled my hoodie over my head. The air in my room felt warmer than it should've. I tossed the hoodie aside and walked to my mirror, staring at the girl on the other side.
Same eyes. Same curls. Same mouth.
But something in her gaze had shifted.
I wanted that version of me. The braver one. The one who didn't laugh to cover up the truth.
But for now, all I had was this silence. This unspoken truth. And the quiet hope that when the time comes again… I'll choose differently.
That I'll choose to be seen.