Alright kids, listen close, I've got some bullshit. We're about to talk about some shit that's gonna fuck with ya while I go through some shit. Roll with it, I might be crazy, I might not be.
Alright, so here's the situation with the 13 personalities. It's fucking horseshit. Patterns always happen. It's a traintrack of bullshit.
Let's take my personality for example. I'm addictive to things apparently. It's ridiculous cause I feel like I have control, but they say I don't. They say for me, once I do a habit, I don't stop. I never change. That's horseshit, I say. If I had habits like that, I'd cook every day cause it used to be a habit I avoided the bad microwave. Then I bought a new microwave, and I'm addicted again even though stovetop food tastes better than the microwave.
If I'm addicted to anything though, it's efficiency. It makes me catch up with the good workers while being lazy. It's a blessing and a curse. Cause it's why this fucking company deals with me. Check out my latest situation. Remember last chapter's fiasco? Well guess what, it's makeup time. I've got to improve the company quickly or I'm fired. So now I'm walking around, improving the plant with ideas.
First to appeal to old people, I'm suggest people focus on the machines more and be on their phones less. I hate it cause it's not the best advice, but it's the best for the business. Personally I think the best advice is do two jobs. One on your phone while you wait on the machine, like do surveys or write stories like I do. Or just entertain yourself with memes or books, I don't know. It's your phone. But old people want us off the phones, and I'll admit they're a distraction.
I've seen people be too addicted. To the point they're consistently avoiding picking up two pieces at a time while they're unloading their line. Like bro, that's when it's too much. At least do two at a time.
Anyway, so I'm surveying the plant. Just seeing what I can do to improve this damn place so they like me again. I might try studying a machine for once. Then again, these machines are perfect though. Hell, sometimes they say the machines fucking talk.
Have I talked about this? Lemme say it anyway. With 13 personalities only apparently for humanity, you can let the building talk to you to an extent. Or the machines even, it's dumb. Cause they ain't made by machines, they're made by a man. So if you know the main inventor, you know how it works. To a fucking extent.
Cause unless it's a one man job, people influence and sabotage. And I fucking mean sabotage. Cause bros, masochism is a bitch. Here's a tip you won't believe me about some fucking weapons, bros. Sometimes the pain is a tip if it's a weapon built by masochists.
Like just to play nice, let's say this in videogame terms. Sorry oldies, but I can't be too legit. But the pain is a hint if it's a masochist weapon. Cause in videogames, the weapon that feeds on your blood is often the strongest.
In real life, they suck. The ultimate attack always kills you, never use a masochist gun. Hell, fuck using any inventor's weapon, use a stick. They can't be built to betray you. I hope. But god I have nightmares about pissing off a woodsman inventor that can paint. One fake stick attack, and boom! You're gone.
Anyway, now let's get back on task. What are the 13 personalities saying today? Who does and doesn't like criminals. Cause bro, it's bullshit. We're all criminal in some way but we debate how it's bad. And guess what, we even debate the simple shit. Like bro, I heard a debate about jaywalking 3 times this week.
"Yeah, but jaywalking ain't that bad." Co-Worker W says seriously.
"I don't care, you'll get ran over." Co-Worker X says angrily.
"Hey, did you know you could get a ticket for it? It's illegal." Co-Worker 1 says calmly.
"So? I'll just pay it. I have a job." Co-Worker 27 says bitterly.
Yeah, so like. That's a thing. It sucks. Anyway, think fast. I might finally have a solution to get myself outta this mess. I am… man, should I? … Company check. I'ma do a facebook post.
"Guys I might just take a month long vacation to focus on youtube and quit my job. What do you guys think?"
Alright journal, in the last hour, life escalated. Here's the pattern.
To start with, it took 20 minutes for everyone to start bitching. It was madness. My Boss was mad.
"HOW DARE YOU ANNOUNCE ON FACEBOOK YOU'RE GONNA QUIT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"
I had the nerve to just call out my plan.
"I dunno, I just want to be a criminal again." Lucius said bitterly.
"Fuck it, why not, give me a gun." Boss says angrily.
I shrugged and left work. Came back and sold him a gun in a tense stand off that turned into the weirdest argument ever.
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"Lucius, you need to be legit. Your day job covers the money you get to an extent. You need some legit money or else the government will know you're a criminal." Boss says tensely.
Lucius nods with slightly pursed lips smugly.
"Yeah, I know. I just don't care today. I'm going criminal." Lucius says angrily.
"Hey babe, think fast." Lucius's Government Girlfriend says angrily.
Lucius turns, spooked then happy, then spooked again when he spots her.
"You! Don't send me to jail again! I don't need it!" Lucius snaps angrily.
Then Lucius stands up straighter and grits his teeth.
"Actually you know what? Prison don life, let's do it pussy." Lucius says with proud anger.
Lucius's Government Girlfriend is so insulted and angered by this she grabs him by the throat and presses him into a car. Lucius let's it happen despite being upset.
"You rude bitch, stop that. Just be nice, put me in the car. I'm a celebrity." Lucius pouts angrily.
"No. We know that's being nice to you, do your job." Government Girlfriend says with amused anger.
Lucius laughs then yells with amused anger at his situation.
"YOU BITCHES PREDICTED ME THAT MUCH AGAIN!? HOW DARE YOU KNOW THAT! WHAT ARE YOU MAD ABOUT!?"
"Lucius, would you have a job in prison?" Boss asks nervously.
"What, fuck no. I'd just make a bitch put money in my account." Lucius says angrily.
"HAH! You're getting milked, rich kid. Hope you remember that when you spend $50 on cheetos." Boss says cockily.
Lucius's eyes begin to water.
"I am a man. I will not cry over petty bullshit. Just send me to jail." Lucius says with barely any stoicism.
… The Boss turns to the Government Girlfriend.
"So like, why doesn't he go to jail?" Boss asks angrily.
"Complete honesty, he really is a celebrity. He might take over the prison. Or he might be killed by the prison." Government Girlfriend says tensely.
"Bruh. …" Boss says with shock and awe.
The Boss ponders for a moment. Then shrugs.
"Fuck it, flip the coin. I bet he dies." Boss says angrily.
"Nah, I'll win. Fuck y'all. I'm gonna do CEO Wife Strats." Lucius says happily.
They both stare at Lucius like he's a psycho.
"What the fuck did you say? How even would you begin with that?" Government Girlfriend says furiously.
"Shut up, he's done it before. It's why we're stuck with him." Boss says angrily.
Government Girlfriend is shocked and confused with him. Then she smiles amusedly.
"He did the efficiency bullshit he always does with a company, didn't he?" Government Girlfriend says.
"Yup, and they loved it! We all did, it's great. And now we're stuck with him cause his ideas kept the company running with ease. He just taught us how to be lazy to keep the retirement machine going with ease." Boss says bitterly.
Boss glares at Lucius.
"Which is part of why I hate you! 26 years old and you get a retirement job! Your back ain't broke, go do construction!" Boss lectures angrily.
Lucius ponders the benefits of it for a moment. Government Girlfriend snaps her fingers to make him focus.
"Don't you dare think about getting a construction girlfriend and building a stupid fort or something." she lectures angrily.
The Boss gets even angrier and stomps his foot.
"FUCK! She's right, stay here. Every new job you get is a liability. You already make jokes about dragon statues, I ain't dealing with you trying to have a fort on your farm." Boss says with cautious anger.
"Bruh, there ain't even girls in construction. Don't entertain my dreams, man." Lucius pouts.
Boss looks at the Government Girlfriend.
"Why do you deal with this clown?" Boss says angrily.
Government Girlfriend sighs angrily.
"Every time we try to kill him, he improves society so we don't kill him and fall in love again." Government Girlfriend says angrily.
"SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW MY STRATEGY!" Lucius yells with defensive anger.
"What, that rumor is true? I'm not sure how to feel about that. What's your current plan?" Boss says tensely.
"I don't know, I was thinking doing this company again." Lucius says calmly.
"No, do something else. We're perfect from last time." Boss says firmly.
"Fuck, you're right. I'll figure something out after work. I'll just do a walk in efficiency lecture somewhere." Lucius says quickly.
…
"Bro, why'd you inspire him to do that? Now we'll never be able to kill this little shit." Government Girlfriend says angrily. "I'm already falling in love like a moron."
"Yeah, same. I ain't even gay either. Get outta here before someone tries to fuck you." Boss says with confused firmness.
Lucius tensely agrees, and runs off the plant before a Businessman or Businesswoman finds him too fast.
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Alright bros, we about to do some shit I jokingly call CEO Wife Strats. Because if this goes right or wrong, a businessman or a hard worker is about to fall in love with me hard as shit. This is basically one of my desperate plays I do sometimes to stay alive when shit hits the fan. It's madness, but it works sometimes. It won't work forever though, and I wish I meant because you'll get shot. It's cause you'll get chained down with kids eventually for this shit. And these businessmen and women never try to keep me, so no kids for me bros.
Alright, so what businesses we got in town folks that's still fucking relevant? I wish I could work with my reputation and do the casino, but I've got to improve humanity. Cause if I make everyone happy, nobody will want me shot, And one of the few ways is to make a job more efficient. Too many people get happy from that, especially if I make their jobs lazier.
Alright, thankfully we have someone suffer from a terrible idea. A restaurant made with microwave food. Truly a maddening idea.
Thankfully, I knew his plight well. Cause I watched from afar through youtube videos. First, they made fun of him cause microwave food tastes worse. So now I begin by convincing him to return to society's true standards.
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"Look man, I get that you like the microwave idea cause it's lazy but stovetop food literally tastes better." Lucius says angrily.
"I DON'T CARE, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO JUST BE A BAR! I LET PEOPLE GET DELIVERY NOW!" Owner yells furiously.
"Yeah but like, bars need food to go with the drinks. At least good greasy food like tacos." Lucius says nicely.
"Nah, they puke too much after eating food. Bad. You suck. Go home, loser." Bar Owner says angrily.
"Look man, I'll move on if you're abandoning the microwave food altogether." Lucius says nicely.
"No, we're still doing hot snackits, they love them." Owner says firmly.
Lucius stares angrily at the Owner. Then shrugs.
"We'll get back to that. Anyway, you need more people on your operation. You're not handing out drinks enough." Lucius says angrily.
"Shut up, they keep quitting. Otherwise I'd have them. Why, you need a job?" Owner says bitterly.
Lucius shrugs.
"Fuck it, I can make drinks. I'll think better about this place too if I work it." Lucius says angrily.
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I realized within minutes of actually doing the job being a worker at a bar was a flawed experience that relies on outside help to the point of madness. Cause ideally, every job to manage the place can't be handled by the bartender because of germaphobes. So they need a team of workers that preferably won't get drunk, will stay outside the bar when they're on shift, and only come in to fix shit when necessary. Preferably when called through a radio.
It will never happen with a bar, it's a social scene. We'd need like, 12 lone wolves willing to ignore even the hot chicks at the bar. It'll break down a bit eventually. Not bad enough to where this idea won't work, but in ways that'll be annoying. Like if I gave every worker a shack like it's a videogame to chill in until it's work time, there's a problem. Option A, they fuck in it. Option B, they get high or drunk in it. Option C, both happen. It's madness.
But it's also the best option. Cause in that shack, I can have distractions to keep them entertained. And I would spoil those bitches to an extent. I'd say make this place your second office or living room. Bring in your xbox and your pc if ya want. So that you stay put until it's necessary to plunge the toilet or something.
Which is madness. It doesn't truly work that way in our society. So we need freelance workers. Problem, our society can't support a network of freelance workers. Yet. But I'm at a bar. I'm putting the ideas out to all the businessmen.
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"Look, hear me out. What if all the bars shared some utility workers to keep them all busy? Cause we don't need our toilets plunged all the time. But all our toilets get plunged every night. And they don't like it when the bartender does that." Lucius says warmly.
"Alright, no. I am not sharing my workers with you. Just pay them to stand around. This is the third time you've tried the freelance argument, and it won't work. We can't keep them busy by sharing them with every business. They start picking favorites." Businessman says angrily.
"Yeah, but I hate they stand around. Start a long chain of bullshit requests. Like some helper board like the kids that play videogames would want." Bar Owner says angrily.
…
"I fucking knew a bounty board could work, I just thought videogames ruin the idea cause it's a cringe kids' idea." Lucius says honestly.
"Yeah, but it sucks! Cause I'm keeping my employees, fuck you! I play favorites and keep my family on standby! Fuck going freelance! Yeah, so what Lucius!? I know you hate it when we play favorites but fuck you!" Businessman says angrily.
Lucius just glares intensely at the Businessman.
"FUCK YOU, WE NEED ONLY ONE PLUMBER, AND WE'RE SPOILING MY SISTER'S HUSBAND!" Businessman yells furiously.
"So you're seriously telling me if I marry the right chick, I can get a job where I stand around half the time? Bullshit." Lucius says angrily.
"Shut up, who cares about that. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Just pick people I like for these stand around jobs?" Bar Owner says angrily.
"Yeah, why not?" Businessman says, confused and annoyed. "Who the fuck cares, fuck the piss ants."
"Yeah, I agree. Fuck 'em. I'm getting a plumber girlfriend or something. I'm gonna make a harem of employees." Bar Owner says with determination.
"Try being bisexual with that, you'll get better workers if you do the men sometime." Lucius advises quickly.
"I like that, maybe I'll get a twink accountant." Bar Owner says quickly.
All the men laugh.
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Alright, the Bar Scene is a bust. They're playing favorites with that business. But we at least got a good conversation to improve things. An idea can grease the wheels. Let's move on to another business. Fast Food maybe? Let's see how this burger joint is doing, I'm starving anyway.
Wow, this one will be easy. Check this out, I love pointing out this glitch. I'm gonna make this place ultra productive while I'm here with some boomer jokes.
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"Man, these kids are so addicted to their phones they're gonna lose their jobs." Lucius says loudly. "And then I'm gonna fuck their girlfriend." he mumbles like a troll.
All the boys glare at Lucius and get off their phones. They all hold varying levels of anger towards him for varying periods of times that aren't that long. Then they all get to work. The Women stare at Lucius, a mix of amused, angry, and thankful.
"Stop manipulating us! You do this too much to these restaurants! Quit being a boomer to get food faster!" Fast Food Woman Worker yells angrily.
"I'll think about it." Lucius says amusedly.
A male worker comes with Lucius's food in a bag. Lucius laughs.
"Get out, don't laugh dork. I'll hit you." Territorial Worker says angrily.
"Okay, I'll leave." Lucius says like a jester.
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Alright, based on those last comments, it's confirmed I've started a good trend. Anyway, let's do one more business and I'ma take a rest for today. I'm running out of steam.
Should I try the train station? How can I make trains more relevant? OH! I know. Alright, let's do something for the community.
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Lucius approaches a ticker operator worker.
"Hey, do you guys have a suggestion box?" he asks happily.
The Worker angrily shakes their head no.
"Alright, hear me out. Let street artists buy advertising space on trains. For cheap if the art is good. Make it expensive if it's bad or annoying." Lucius says happily.
The Worker smiles for a moment. Then he becomes angry.
"GET OUT! DON'T TEMPT ME WITH BAD IDEAS! NOW THEY'LL DO SOMETHING DUMB IF THE BOSS HEARD IT!"
Lucius leaves and goes sits on a bench nearby. He's curious about society for a moment. He wants to know how good the moneymakers are with getting ideas. He just sits there and waits for someone to appear. Within minutes, an overweight man in a suit comes from the office.
"Alright fucko, what was that idea? I heard you scream." Businessman says angrily.
"HAH!" Lucius says happily.
Lucius leaves for real now. And goes home.
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Alright ladies and gentleman, good news and bad. Society is now not as mad at me as they were before. For the worst however. Society now believes I can do it all. Which is annoying cause now for once, my phone is blowing up. I feel like I'm about to do a harem anime arc cause of this shit. And by the end of it, there will be a long trail of products with my thoughts mixed into them.
We'll see if this arc sticks though. As society is currently going through the ups and downs of new ideas. Like some businesses are mad nobody likes their toilets cause some of the plumbers learned meth heads rule certain businesses. Which is causing a lot of drug arguments with crazy people who argue with me at stupid times doing stupid shit. Cause guess what a meth head did to argue with me? He presented a day of ultimate efficiency on my front lawn.
He showed up in a pristine suit, and had an office set up on my back yard.
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"Bro, what the fuck is this?" Lucius asks angrily.
"I am gonna start a cafe in your back, starting with this office. First, I'm getting a loan. While I smoke meth, and do my real job as a stock salesman." Methhead Business says proudly.
"Bro, please don't. That's the most r##@@!!! thing I've heard ever. Please stop." Lucius begs.
"Nope! Your backyard is now a cafe." Methhead Businessman says angrily.
…
"Man, I can't believe I'm about to do this." Lucius says angrily.
Lucius closes his back door and calls the cops.
"Look, this is gonna sound really dumb, but it's real. There is a methhead businessman trying to open a cafe in my backyard." Lucius says desperately.
"SHUT UP, STUPID KID! I'LL SMACK YOU IF YOU MAKE UP SOMETHING THAT DUMB AGAIN! METHHEADS CAN'T BE BUSINESSMEN! THEY'RE ADDICTS!" Police Operator yells furiously.
The Operator hangs up the phone. Lucius curses angrily.
"Son of a bitch, this shit is so dumb nobody will believe me. Ugh, I know what to do." Lucius says angrily.
Lucius steps outside to rant.
"Alright, you win for now methhead. You're lucky this is so dumb the cops didn't believe me. I'm gonna wait for the building to be built. Then I'm calling the landlord. They'll believe him." Lucius says angrily.
"HAH! I predicted that. It always happens. Now go away, I've got money to make." Methhead Businessman says angrily.
Lucius rolls his eyes and steps back inside.