So here Lucius is, being confronted by the lovely Sarah. One of many beautiful women of the town that Lucius has had a relationship with, for better or worse. Currently they are friends. Or they were until recently. Now she has him pressed against the wall with a knife against his throat.
"Consensually. You're letting me do this. Why? And you have a boner. You fucking pervert. I hate dealing with men like you, you're dumb." Sarah says with amused rage.
"Babe, babe. I can explain." Lucius says nervously.
"Aren't you in love with the Comptroller?" Claire says nervously.
Lucius glares at Claire, another lovely lady who hates Lucius beforehand, and especially now.
"Bro, why are you not dead? Go kill yourself. Arms dealers are evil! You give guns to kids!" Claire yells angrily.
"I've never done that. That's dumb." Lucius says firmly.
… Suddenly Claire picks up a wrench.
"Liar. I saw it. He was sixteen. He shot up a school on the 22nd of January, 1977." she says coldly.
"Dude, I'm 26. I was born in 1999. What the fuck are you talking about?" Lucius says with complete confusion.
"Yeah, what the fuck are you on about!?" Sarah yells with amused shock.
… Claire runs away crying from trauma and embarrassment. She would later admit she was mad it wasn't John cause she couldn't avenge her elder brother John that died before she was born.
Meanwhile, Sarah turns back to John.
"Okay, but I've seen it. You don't even check IDs." Sarah says angrily.
"But I'm a criminal. That's weird to do." Lucius says angrily. "Criminals checking ID is ridiculous, they'd know I'm a cop."
They stare angrily at each other for a moment. Then Lucius's phone vibrates and the machines stop. Lucius sighs angrily.
"This is bad. I'm about to get lectured about something dumb." he says sadly.
"And? So what? Why are the machines stopped?" Sarah says angrily.
"The Comptroller is the illuminati. It's bullshit. I just roll with it." Lucius says angrily.
Lucius picks up his phone and answers it.
"Hey, who is this?" Lucius says with bitter hesitation.
"You fucking don't ID them?" Comptroller hisses with utter rate.
"Babe, I'm a criminal, not a cop." Lucius says angrily.
Lucius stares at a wall with an angry face, as if someone is there. Sarah punches him in the mouth. Lucius gets mad, and has to restrain himself from punching Sarah back.
"You give guns to kids. You're supposed to check." Sarah says with amused anger.
Lucius and Sarah stare at each other with tense grins.
"We're coping with how funny this is." Lucius says amusedly.
"Shut up, it's just cope. You're going to jail, Celebrity Arms Dealer!" Sarah says amusedly.
Lucius sighs, looks down, then looks back up sadly.
"Look, in my defense. It has to be weird for criminals to check ID. Would you want ID'd if you bought weed?" Lucius says.
Sarah sighs, and stomps her foot.
"Are you pouting?" Lucius says confusedly.
"Shut up. You just made a good point. It sounds dumb when you put it that way." Sarah says angrily.
"CRIMINALS!" Boss yells furiously.
The Boss has angrily entered the building, stomping forward to join the conversation. He stops feet away from Lucius. He stares up at him angrily.
"Fucking angry midget." Lucius mutters angrily.
"I HEARD THAT!" Boss yells angrily.
"QUIT DOING DRUGS AND GET TO WORK! OR I'LL KILL YOU!" Boss yells furiously.
"I wasn't doing drugs." Lucius says confusedly.
"I didn't mean that. I mean you're high on life, stupid fucking celebrity." Boss says angrily.
… Boss man stomps closer suddenly and screams furiously.
"ATTENTION WHORE! YOU'RE INTO THIS, YOU STUPID FUCKING CELEBRITY! YOU'RE BARELY EVEN FAMOUS, YOU NARC!" he yells furiously.
"What are you talking about, Boss? Aren't you a hard worker? Why you mad about that part?" Lucius says confusedly.
"Because you work with the feds in stupid ways! You get them to do the illuminati stuff! And turn the street lights off to fuck with us! You dicks!" Boss yells angrily.
"Wait, John does that?" Sarah says with shocked anger.
Boss turns to Sarah for a moment.
"Yes. It's bullshit." Boss says angrily.
They both glare at Lucius. Lucius smiles sheepishly and tries walking away. Sarah pulls out a knife and starts power walking after Lucius. The Boss just watches.
"You gave the government the idea to turn the street lights off to fuck with us? Why? Why'd they listen to you?" Sarah says furiously.
She is grinning with maddened rage while she speaks. She's coping with psychotic laughter.
"I hate it. It's hysterical and I must stab you." Sarah says furiously.
Lucius looks back at Sarah with amused sadness.
"I must flee." Lucius says bluntly.
Then he starts fucking sprinting! So does Sarah, and five other people in the factory. Three have knives like Sarah. One guy has a broomstick. And another girl has a pistol. Lucius notices the last one first, and runs even faster. Around the plant. Cause he's arrogant to the core about being a celebrity.
"YOU'LL CALM DOWN EVENTUALLY! THE DESPERATION WILL MAKE ME RUN LONGER, SO I'LL OUTLAST YOU! PLUS WE'RE AMERICAN, WE WON'T LAST LONG!" Lucius yells nervously.
"MY WRATH WILL MOTIVATE ME TO MURDER YOU HARDER!" Co-worker A yells passionately.
"Wow, someone's a writer. You don't hear wrath every day." Lucius jokes nervously.
A gunshot is fired by the woman who is currently leaning against a wall, panting heavily. She misses and hits a wall. Instead of running, Lucius cracks a joke.
"Someone smokes too much, huh? Don't join the military." Lucius says cockily.
"Shut up." Co-Worker B says coldly.
Lucius turns slightly and realizes he's standing still in front of a mob, cracking jokes. Suddenly he's blocking a wrench with his forearm, and it hurts like shit.
"HAH! DUMBASS! SHOULDN'T HAVE BLOCKED THE WRENCH!" Co-Worker B yells angrily.
"Shut up, better to block or let your organs get hit. Plus, I'm tough." Lucius says with pained cockiness.
Lucius proceeds to try doing the impossible. And it hurt like shit and his arm moved really slowly. He is angrily motivating himself.
"Really? You're trying it? You're fucking dumb, celebrity gangster." Co-Worker B says angrily.
"Fine, I'll just use the other arm." Lucius pouts.
Lucius throws a jab into the Co-Worker's throat. He gags, choking on air. Then he walks away, pouting.
"That does it. I'm leaving work early." he pouts in defeat through pained breaths.
They all stare confusedly at him.
"So you're leaving work cause you're a pussy? At least go back to your machine. This job is easy." Lucius says angrily.
The worker turns towards him angrily, back straight with manly rage, Chest puffed with pride.
"You think you're fucking better than me at work? You're lazy as shit. Your efficiency is lazy. You don't even run." Co-Worker B says angrily.
… Lucius shrugs.
"So? Neither do you." Lucius drawls annoyedly.
Co-Worker B takes a deep breath. And pulls out his vape to take a puff.
"So your throat is feeling better, that's nice." Lucius says politely.
"Shut up, don't remind me. You think you're better than me, we're arguing." Co-Worker B says with tense anger.
…
"Can you not vape? You can cause a fire. They say not to smoke, and I believe the fire theory." Lucius says nervously.
Co-Worker B glares with disgust and tilts his head to the side.
"BITCH! THAT'S A MYTH! I'LL VAPE MORE JUST TO FUCK WITH YOU!" he yells furiously.
Lucius sighs and just watches. It doesn't take long. A short flame bursts around his vape, and the casing turns black.
"Fuck, it happened again." Co-Worker B says angrily.
"Bro, we are gonna die if you keep fucking doing that." I say angrily.
"No, we won't." Co-Worker B says angrily.
"Yeah you will, check it." Co-Worker C says angrily.
He throws oil on me, and flicks his lighter. Suddenly I'm on fire again. But thankfully, I'm smart and just resist like a true man.
"Fuck you bitch. Clothes are flame retardant. I'll be fine." I say cockily.
We stare at each other, while my flame retardant clothes do not burn. It is just extremely uncomfortable but I am the manliest man in town so I just take it. We stare at each other for several seconds. Then I start my favorite rant.
"So did you know during the Civil War era, right before it actually that after we invented-" Lucius happily says.
Co-Worker C starts screaming furiously.
"DAMN YOU, STUPID FUCKING KID! I KNOW YOUR RANT, YOU'VE DONE YOUR RANT BEFORE! THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS TRIED TO LIGHT YOU ON FIRE IN THIS TOWN!"
Lucius laughs triumphantly and pat my belly.
"Yes, truly I am a legend of the town." Lucius say happily.
"Shut up, think fast." Co-Worker D says angrily.
Lucius jump backwards and narrowly avoid the swing of a bat.
"Hey, you stole my joke. Rude." I pout angrily.
"Shut up! You're a cartoon! Nobody likes you! Kill yourself!" Co-Worker B yells furiously.
"Bro, it's just how American clothes work." I say angrily.
Suddenly someone finally hits me with a fire extinguisher. They turn and it's Lucius's favorite girl at the plant.
"Lucius, quit being fucking R#@!$%^&. Quit doing that, it scares me." Sarah says with amused anger.
They stare awkwardly at one another, the whole group. Then they all start screaming at Sarah.
"YOU'RE INFLUENCED BY HIM! YOU'RE LAUGHING AT US! YOU'RE STILL HIS GIRLFRIEND!" Co-Worker B yells furiously.
"HEY, NO! I'M MARRIED!" Sarah yells with desperation and fear.
"Yeah, she's married. Chill. Don't talk about that." Lucius says nervously.
"So it was adultery. Perverts." Co-Worker E says bitterly.
Lucius stares at Co-Worker E angrily. They turn back and start talking shit.
"So? What's up fake psychologist? What you overanalyzing now? That you're gay?"
"Analyzing you're a fake bitch. Do you even know what's happening? Why are you trying to kill me?" Lucius says angrily.
"You're trying to fuck our work wife." The Men say in angry unison.
"Wait, what?" Sarah and Lucius says confusedly.
"Why is this about the culture?" Lucius says angrily. "Yo, the work culture can't be clashing with my illuminati punishment, bros." he complains bitterly.
"Oh right, you're not supposed to be here. Ha, sucks to be you." Co-Worker A says with amused sadism.
Then suddenly everyone gets the same brain wave.
"ILLUMINATI! HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! THE COPS ARE GONNA KNOW WE'RE FIGHTING!" The Neurons fire.
But they don't speak. Everyone chills. And just stoically walks back to work. This facade doesn't last long. It breaks slowly. With subtle threats.
Like Lucius approaches the Boss to go fix his machine cause it's broke, and that's his job.
"Hey boss man, the machine is broke." Lucius says calmly.
"Yeah, and you're broke. Get lost." Boss says angrily.
Boss throws a punch, Lucius blocks it with his right forearm with ease.
"Dude, what the fuck? Am I actually fired this time?" Lucius asks angrily.
"No! Cause I know you'll enjoy unemployment! Go to work. You got a machine left?" Boss says angrily.
"I mean, yeah. I guess. Two." Lucius says calmly.
"Too many. We'll see how long it lasts." Boss says angrily.
Lucius sighs and shakes his head.
"Man, life is a bitch when the company fights with itself. I'll see ya around, boss. Let's talk when you calm down after you sabotage the machines." he says bittersweetly.
Lucius begins to walk away, but the Boss says something.
"Wait. What are you doing? You know something." Boss says nervously.
Then Lucius giggles. And it spooks them. He says a dirty line that sends a thrill through their spines. And chills. Except for Lucius. Cause his brain is broke. He turns to the Boss, giggling as the adrenaline hits him.
"It's about to go illegal, isn't it?" Lucius says cockily. "Don't forget, I'm the criminal between the two of us. It's my home turf. You're at the disadvantage."
Then Lucius sees something dumb happen. Someone shows up too conveniently like life is a story book, and he's mad. It's his fucking Illuminati Stalkers. That he is not so secretly in love with. While they love and hates him. He can just tell because of what's coming next.
"I am not who you think I am-" Illuminati Agent says solemnly.
"Yeah, you're the Soldier of the Idea. Blah blah blah. Just spill it, I want everything to go back to normal." Lucius says tensely.
They glare at each other. It's weird. Lucius's neurons are firing cause the outfit they're wearing is fucking bullshit. He knows the illuminati somehow has a pattern on their clothes they're wearing that does two things. Option A, they turn invisible basically. Option B, they can literally morph in an instant into creatures of culture as Lucius calls them. And it's fucking madness cause Lucius's ideas make the most sense while everyone else buys the myth immediately.
"I am an Agent of God." the Angel says solemnly.
"Bro, you did not just play the angel card. Do you know how-" Lucius says with bitter anger.
"JESUS, SMITE THE EVILDOER! LET ME SHOOT HIM!" Co-Worker J suddenly yells with religious fervor, appearing from nowhere.
"Bro, I hate when you illuminati bitches use the culture on us. How does this fucking suit work, or are you cosplayer makeup artists just that good." Lucius says angrily.
"SHUT UP, THEY'RE GOD! THEY'RE THE REAL THING! I'LL PROVE IT, SEE! GOD, TELL US ALL THE LAST CRIME LUCIUS DID! A SERIOUS ONE!" Co-Worker J yells with furious desperation.
The Angel stands around, looking nervously for a moment. Lucius sighs angrily.
"Bro, I know you're human. I don't know how you dressed like an angel this fast, but you're a human. You're like, C.I.A. or something." Lucius says angrily.
The Angel points at her tits. Lucius and the men look down.
"HE'S A PERVERT! JUST LOOKED AT AN ANGEL'S TITS!" Angel yells triumphantly.
"BROS, DON'T HANG! DON'T LISTEN TO HER, SHE'S C.I.A.! SHE'S NOT AN ANGEL!" Lucius yells desperately.
"KILL THE PERVERTED HEATHEN!" Christians of the workplace yell in passionate unison.
Everyone starts to panic, Lucius is about to run. But to Lucius's utter confusion, the angel just yells "Stop!" And everyone freezes, even him. Then she starts to glow. Everyone starts to point and panic.
"Angel. Angel. Angel." They all sputter for 10 seconds straight. Lucius just stares angrily.
"Okay, this is just the culture influencing us. I hate when the illuminati does this. I don't even think God is real, this is psychology magic." Lucius complains angrily.
"Up to heaven, down to hell." Angel says angrily.
"Huh?" Lucius says confusedly.
"I get it." Boss says like a angry bot.
Lucius tenses up, but then three people grab him.
"Up to heaven." They say in unison.
They lift Lucius up, and slam him into the ground. Then they start stomping the shit out of him.
"DOWN TO HELL, HEATHEN BITCH!" Co-Worker F yells furiously.
"Okay, stop. You weren't supposed to stomp him, he's not that bad." Angel says like a nervous teacher.
They step away, and within seconds Lucius is standing back on his feet. The Angel and Lucius stare at each other tensely.
"Please for the love of god tell them why I'm good for the company, angel. They're gonna kill me." Lucius says desperately.
"Shut up, quit being a psychologist. Do it yourself, pussy." Angel says amusedly.
Lucius smirks with amused annoyance. Then he tilts his head back and sighs.
"Fine, I won't cheat. Anyway, guys I'm a good worker, that's nice. Don't be mean to me." Lucius says angrily.
All the Co-Workers stare judging at Lucius, while he just stares back amusedly. The Angel waves her hand encouraging.
"Some more." Angel says politely.
"So like, here are the things I can bring to the company. I can be…" Lucius says hopefully.
Then he freezes up and ponders.
"Hey Angel, transform into something else. I need to appeal to them as a criminal." Lucius says nicely.
"SHUT UP! DO IT LEGITLY, LUCIUS DEHAVIELL! OR YOU'RE FIRED!" Angel yells with amused anger.
Lucius hangs his head, and pouts. Then he pulls his head up, and grins.
"Look, hear me out. Off the top my head, I can teach you guys things. Like-" Lucius says nicely.
"Shut up, all you know that's useful is crimes, psychology, and fighting. We have teachers for those." Co-Worker 7 says like a smug manipulator.
"Okay, but I'm the best. It's why y'all keep copying me." Lucius says with cocky anger.
"Okay, Lucius. Don't say it so honestly, I'll hit you. You're not supposed to say that out loud about being a celebrity." Angel says angrily.
"Okay, if Lucius is the best here at something, I'll kill myself. What's he the best at?" Lucius's roommate Stan says angrily.
Lucius turns to Stan with utter annoyance.
"Bro, this ain't even your beef. This ain't your company." Lucius says angrily.
"Shut up, he works here. He gets to know." Co-Worker S says angrily.
Lucius pouts, then shrugs.
"Alright, so legit. I think I'm the best psychologist town. Fuck the teacher, I'm better." Lucius says cockily.
A moment of confused, analytical silence occurs as they compare the teacher and the student that is claiming they're better. Then they argue.
"No, the teacher isn't dumb like you. You're an arms dealer as well." Co-Worker 5 says sincerely.
Lucius sighs and starts arguing proudly.
"Yeah, but his research is flawed. He thinks the trauma moments matter too much. I think your stable self matters more. Hell, your subconscious even. Screw how you act while you're traumatized." he says angrily.
"OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO EVEN GIVE HIM THE SLIGHTEST CREDIT! SEND HIM AWAY, I HATE THE CRIMINAL!" Old Lady screams like a robot in denial.
"Ugh, I hate how being labeled a criminal causes these moments." Lucius says bitterly.
…
"Hey Angel, who belongs in heaven and who belongs in hell?" Co-Worker B says like a troll.
"We all do, we all work here! Shut up and deal with it! Even Lucius." Angel says angrily.
…
Co-Worker B dares to glare at the Angel of Christ.
"That's bullshit, at least 3 of us should be in hell. If not more." He says angrily.
"Bruh, don't do this. We already in Illuminativille, please don't start a riot." Lucius says with desperation and a defeated tone.
A random employee dares to smack the Angel's ass! We all gasp and the Angel impulsively makes a mistake.
"DEATH TO THE PERVERTED HEATHEN!" She yells furiously.
The mob, including Lucius, begin chasing angrily after the heathen. The Angel is now overwhelmed and confused.
"WAIT, STOP! COME BACK! QUIT BEING CRAZY SIMPS, JESUS CHRIST!" Angel yells desperately.
Many stop. Then they stare back at the Angel. The Angel has a thought, but out of grace won't say it.
"Which one of these fuckers did that?" Angel thinks furiously.
Then Lucius in the midst of this bullshit, remembers something absurdly OP about himself since he's a psychologist. He's apparently got the same personality as the CEO. So as always since he's a troll, he thinks about what a CEO would do in this situation to take advantage of it.
"Angel, tell them how cool and nice I am please and thank you." Lucius commands sternly.
"Lucius donated $20 to charity in total this month across 7 separate purchases!" Angel says diligently.
"Who donated the most money to charity this month?" Lucius asks cockily.
…
"Lucius Dehaviell by three dollars." Angel says diligently.
"Fuck yes!" Lucius says happily.
"SHUT UP VIRTUE SIGNALER!" Boss yells furiously.
"Angel, tell us who are the top 3 machine operators in this building. For this building as well, not counting those across the street." Lucius orders happily.
"Shut up, that's too specific! You're excluding half of us." Co-Worker J says angrily.
"Lucius is first place over here, third place if we count all of the machine operators." Angel says with nervous glee.
Boss stares angrily at the Angel.
"Is he right about you being C.I.A.? Cause that's BULLSHIT!" he yells angrily.
"Shut up, God says so!" Angel says angrily.
"Dammit!" Boss says angrily, stomping his foot.
Lucius holds his hands out and steps in front of the crowd proudly.
"Ya hear that, hard workers? I'm good for the company. Now shut up and let me work!" Lucius yells happily.
"Shut up, I need more reasons to let you live! Like does he make any extra money from crimes?" Co-Worker Z says angrily.
… Lucius's smile becomes strained.
"I don't know, you first. What extra money you making?" Lucius says out the corner of his mouth.
"Shut up, we don't talk about that." Boss says angrily.
"Alright good, I'm glad we're agreed." Lucius says happily.
Everyone crosses their arm and does a poker face. … The Angel gets mad.
"Alright, who's all doing crimes to make money? And Lucius don't say shit, I already know what you do!" Angel says with angry sterness.
… … … Everyone begins walking away from the Angel.
"Go to work! God can't watch you while you work!" Boss says sternly.
Everyone walks faster, including Lucius. The Angel just sighs sadly, facepalms. And turns invisible. The Boss and several employees are spooked. Lucius doesn't even notice, he just gets to work.