--feel ill.
"Oh, Ramchi! Did you see that just now? My knife skills have improved considerably in just one day! Has my talent blossomed?!"
--So disgusting, so disgusting.
"Remrin, look! The skill that makes this intricate craftsmanship possible - right now, a miracle is residing at my fingertips! Applique!"
--So disgusting, so disgusting, so disgusting.
「Emilia-tan, every time I meet and see you, you stir up my heart! You've seriously committed too many sins, I feel guilty!」
--Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.
He has a smile on his face, a humorous demeanor, and a tongue that moves smoothly as if it was well-oiled. He puts all his effort into the tasks he is given, takes on bold challenges without fear of failure, and whenever he has free time he immediately goes out looking for events.
Mobilizing all his memories, he dug up the past four days that had been repeated four times until they were burned into his memory, engraving himself into as many events as he could, no matter how trivial they were.
It has to be that way. It has to be that way.
Not a second can be wasted, as every possible outcome must be considered, and every possible success or failure of the necessary events must be simulated.
Just think of it as a game. Thorough flag management. I'm sure I was good at it. The more we meet, the higher the chances become.
I could do a better job of laughing. I could do a better job of making people laugh.
Act as if you have an empty mind, but never stop thinking.
Pointless, unnecessary, and exaggerated actions. Make them think you're too stupid to be worth their attention. Avoid being judged as too stupid to be useful.
Conflicting thoughts and conclusions. If you have time to worry about contradictions, act before you think. But before you act, ask yourself the meaning of your actions.
Always be on the lookout for anything unnatural. Don't let your guard down for even a second, let alone a moment. You can't fail, you just can't.
--Can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail, can't fail.
Alarm bells keep ringing in my head over and over again.
It was an alarm that warned of danger. Although he hadn't made any progress since coming to this other world, he felt that this sense had at least become sharper.
Danger is approaching. Wrongdoing is about to be righted. You don't know where it's coming from. Be alert and take your steps.
「Oh, Ramchi, I'm not slacking or anything. I'll get the job done properly and thoroughly. You can just sit back and relax in your room and take a siesta, you know?」
Dodging and dodging, avoiding situations with flippancy and false smiles.
Had he done well? Had he done the right thing for Natsuki Subaru? Had he made her distrustful? Even if he had done it in front of Ram, if his true colors were exposed in front of the all-important Rem, it would all be for naught.
Be the natural and innocent Natsuki Subaru.
It was simple, my own story. I just had to go back to the time when I was a lazy pig who was simply enjoying what was given to me, innocently, carelessly, rudely, and shamelessly, without even the slightest noticing what was going on in the hearts of the people who lived in the mansion.
Not knowing anything, not understanding anything, not noticing anything, not doing anything. He should have been good at that. That should have been all he could do. It should have been easy. He should have been able to do that while laughing.
He walks around with a grin on his face, a mask of a smile plastered on his face.
It's inside a mansion. You never know where you'll bump into someone. You know there's no freedom in free time. Spend all your free time reminiscing about the past and planning your future actions.
"O-oh, uh..."
A sudden urge to vomit rose up within him. A groan escaped the corner of his mouth, but Subaru's smile never faltered.
With a skip, she danced and glided into the nearby guest room. Then she headed to the bathroom in the room.
"...Obufuah. Ugh, ugh..."
I dumped the entire contents of my already empty stomach into the sink.
He vomits out everything he has put into his body, including food and drink. All that comes out is yellowish stomach juice, and even that juice has dried up as the stomach squeezes his internal organs, to the point that they seem to be painfully tortured.
To satisfy the urge to vomit that still wouldn't subside, he gulped down water from the sink to fill his stomach, then immediately threw it up again. He did this over and over again, as if washing out the contents of his stomach.
"Haa... haa, haa..."
Subaru roughly wiped his mouth with his sleeve, his face pale and he was breathing heavily.
The pressure building up inside me was enough to kill me. If this constant constant anxiety continued, I felt like I would simply exhaust myself to death.
He mocks his own upside-down state, but not even a dry smile comes to his face.
All that comes to mind is a feeling of anxiety and despair welling up from deep within my chest.
--I wonder if it's being done properly?
Looking back, I think my relationship with the people at the mansion was at its best the first time, when I was still ignorant.
So let's follow the same example as the first time and try to recreate the same situation.
No, doing so would be nothing but a second tracing. The second case would be just a repetition of the first, with the Weakening spell and Rem's Hammer added to it. It would be nothing but going down the wrong path.
If a third or fourth time was out of the question, then the first time was the one Subaru should learn from. He should do it differently from the second time, not by simply copying the first time, but by doing it better than the first time.
The first time, I was poor at all the tasks, but I think I worked hard on the tasks I was given instead. The second time, I was seen to be trying to achieve results similar to the first time, and it was judged that I was cutting corners.
So this time I'll give it my all just like the first time, and produce better results than the first time.
If Ram and Rem could do that, Subaru would surely not give up on him. If he could avoid being purged by them, one of Subaru's concerns would be removed.
But the problem is,
"We still have no idea where the sorcerer is."
Since Rem was killed, the culprit must have been an outsider.
If the people targeting the mansion were related to the Royal Selection, Subaru, who was not familiar with these relationships, was at a loss as to what to do.
In order to uncover the sorcerer's true identity, the cooperation of those connected to the mansion is absolutely essential.
At the very least, it would not be a waste to call for caution. But having said that, how much influence did Subaru currently have in the mansion?
"Who would listen to your advice when you don't even have anyone to trust you?"
Additionally, Subaru is restricted from disclosing its sources.
Therefore, I tolerate the frustration and detours and spend my time enduring the cramped feeling that fills my stomach.
There's not enough time. It's frustrating that there's no time. I'm not sure I can endure this painful time any longer. I want it to end quickly. It can't end. My words won't reach them. It takes time to get their message across. And I don't have that time. I have to do something. It's disgusting, it's painful.
My thoughts wander into the same dead end I've reached so many times.
Last night, I was caught up in this unanswered spiral and couldn't sleep a wink. I felt powerless to shake off an anxiety whose cause was clear, without being able to find a solution.
He should have just chosen the option to simply shout, "It's dangerous." Even if people thought he was crazy, if it saved the lives of everyone in the mansion, then it wasn't a bad gamble.
Measures were taken in advance, and everyone in the mansion made it to the fifth day safely. As the situation worsened, the sorcerer chose to retreat, and that was the happy ending.
--But I can't bear not being able to be there.
Subaru is neither philosophical nor saintly enough to be able to accept the situation as being fine as long as they were safely rescued.
Subaru's hope is for everyone in the mansion to survive and make it through the fifth day in good health.
They simply do not possess the spirit of self-sacrifice.
It is a greedy, extravagant, stubborn and extremely vulgar nature.
that's why,
"Ugh, shit... that's not cool."
Even though he had made such a determined decision to commit suicide, he still couldn't stop himself from hesitating when the opportunity was right in front of him.
Once you pick it up, you value your life. When something you thought you had thrown away returns to you, you will not easily think of letting it go again.
Subaru is the same.
A life that should have been thrown away, a life that should have ended.
Having won the bet and returned with it, Subaru found it in his hands again, and was overcome with the horror of losing it again.
I can't fail, there's no turning back.
This was the fifth time. And Subaru was not the type of person who would be optimistic about being able to use "Return by Death" again after that.
This time I made it back. Maybe next time I won't. The constant feeling that this might be my last, the mental weariness of being on the edge - the more normal a person is, the more it drives them into a corner.
If they are not insane enough to give up, they are not brave enough to make the decision to risk everything and resist.
It's so ordinary and so mundane.
The more I hate myself, the more I realize what a small person I am.
"What kind of time do you have to complain, you idiot..."
Rather than wasting time complaining, it's more important to make a joke and build up a good impression.
Shaking off the urge to vomit that had somehow faded, Subaru slapped his stiff cheek and scolded himself. Then he headed outside the parlor.
Currently, he had some free time after finishing his assigned work, but even that time was precious to him. Anyway, he had to look for Ram or Rem――
"I finally found it."
Just as I leaned out of the door, someone called out to me.
When I turned around, there was Emilia, catching her breath.
The moment he saw her silver hair swaying in the wind, Subaru's consciousness suddenly shifted.
Adapt to the situation, forgetting all about the pain in your stomach, the lump in your chest, and the feeling of obstruction. Now turn to Emilia and lift your cheeks lustfully.
"Oh my, I'm so happy and embarrassed that Emilia-tan chose me! Say anything, give me any order! For you I'll go through fire and water, even into the darkness of the stolen goods storehouse!"
She points her fingers towards the sky, sways her hips and poses to the rhythm.
Even I was amazed at how quickly I had changed. However, Emilia's reaction when she faced me was completely different from what I had expected.
I was expecting a look of exasperation or even a sigh, but...
"Subaru…"
"Hey hey hey, that's not nice, Emilia-tan. You just ignored the joke I came up with overnight. Once a joke has been used, it can't be used again due to freshness. Do you know what it feels like to have the child you gave birth to killed, Emilia-tan?"
He bites his sleeve and cries in frustration, but even to this Emilia has little reaction.
Emilia completely contradicted Subaru's expected reaction, and simply looked at him with eyes that were a mixture of sadness and pain.
--This is bad, an instinctive part of me told me to be on guard.
"Emilia-tan, why are you so quiet? If you're that beautiful and you keep quiet, I'll mistake you for a work of art, take you home, display you in a corner of my room, and kiss you good morning and good night every morning and night."
Something's wrong, a voice in my head kept shouting over and over again.
It was a reaction different from anything I had expected. I hadn't expected a reaction that was neither astonished nor angry. If he had been angry, I could have considered how to respond. But the fact that he was looking at me with such a pained expression was...
Could it be that she had seen through the clumsy clown mask that he was wearing?
At such moments of anxiety, Subaru remembers the gray cat that is always by her side.
When Subaru recalls the characteristics of the cat that calls itself a spirit, he realizes the meaninglessness of what he has done up until now.
How foolish it is to try to keep up appearances when dealing with someone who can read your mind.
The moment he realized this, Subaru's bravado crumbled.
The smile that had been plastered on his face vanished without a trace, and in its place emerged a weak expression like that of a child waiting to be scolded.
He felt embarrassed for continuing to dance in front of someone who could see right through him, pretending that she hadn't noticed. And more than anything, his tiny self-esteem was deeply hurt because he didn't want her to know about it.
A moment of silence falls between them.
Subaru no longer had any room for light-hearted banter, and Emilia, seeing Subaru's expression, was searching for words as her eyes wavered.
--Being disillusioned by Emilia. That was the one thing he didn't want.
However, he doesn't even know what to say to make up an excuse. The same is true here, he has no way to resolve the situation.
Subaru tries again and again to speak, but is unable to find the words that are most important and is unable to take the first step. Seeing Subaru feeling frustrated, Emilia suddenly murmurs, "Okay," softly,
"Subaru, come here."
"...fart?"
"It's okay."
She grabbed Subaru's arm and headed towards the living room where Subaru had just come out.
Pulled back into the room with only half of her body sticking out, Subaru had no idea what she was planning and a question mark formed in his mind.
However, Emilia paid no attention to Subaru's question, and instead placed her hands on her hips and looked around the room,
"Well then, have a seat, Subaru."
Pointing at the floor, she spoke in the same silvery voice.
Following his finger, he looked at the ground. There was a carpet on the floor, and although the room was unused, it was well-cleaned. Of course, he was strong enough that he could even lie down on the ground.
"If you're going to sit, why not just sit on a bed or a chair? Why bother sitting on the floor..."
"It's okay, just sit down."
"Yes, as you wish!"
He spoke in an unusually strong tone, and without thinking, I instinctively sat upright to comply. After seeing Subaru sit down, Emilia nodded in satisfaction and immediately went over to his side.
Naturally, I would end up looking up at her from a lower position, but right now, such evil thoughts didn't even cross my mind.
He was simply trying desperately to understand Emilia's true intentions.
"...Yeah"
It was Emilia who muttered softly.
Emilia took a deep breath, either to confirm something or to convince herself, and sat upright next to Subaru.
Feeling flustered by the beauty so close they could almost touch, Subaru stared intently at her pale face, trying to see if he could discern any emotion from it. All of a sudden, he noticed her pale face flushing, and her ears slightly red.
"It's special, that's why."
"--picture?"
A question mark formed in Subaru's mind at the persuasive words, but before he could say it, something pressed against the back of his head.
Naturally, my body, which was sitting upright, was unable to resist the force, and I was carried away by the momentum and leaned forward - and was greeted by a soft sensation.
"It's just not in the right position. And it stings."
Something moved beneath my head, and I heard Emilia's embarrassed voice nearby.
He looked up in shock, his eyes widening in even more shock at the sight before him.
Directly above him, so close that our faces were practically touching, was Emilia's face. It looked upside down, and a vague, distant feeling occurred to him, "Ah, I'm upside down."
At this distance, upside down, there is a soft sensation under my head.
--These keywords came together, took on a single shape and meaning within Subaru.
"Knees, pillows?"
"I'm kind of embarrassed so I won't say it clearly. Also, you're not allowed to look at me. Keep your eyes closed."
She lightly tapped him on the forehead and covered his eyes with her palm, blocking his vision. However, Subaru brushed aside her resistance with his hand,
Subaru: "Emilia-tan being embarrassed is the best, but… anyway, what kind of situation is this? When did I do something deserving of a reward?"
"That kind of weird bravado, that's not good."
He hits her on the forehead again. However, this time, with her hand still on his forehead, Emilia grabs Subaru's upturned bangs with her fingers,
"You told me, Subaru. If you get too tired, you can rest your head on my lap. So I will. I can't do that every day, but today is special."
"Nothing special, it's only the second day, you know? If I look exhausted and groggy after this, then I must be the weakest person in history…"
"You can see how devastated you are. You probably won't tell me the details, will you? I don't think this will make you feel any better, but... this is all I can do."
Emilia interrupted Subaru and spoke with a loving gaze. The fingers that had been combing his bangs had already parted his hair and he was now caressing his head as if he were a soothing child.
He laughs softly and tries to brush Emilia off.
He knew that it was a completely wrong idea, that he wouldn't do something uncool like that, and intended to continue putting up the bravado he had decided to maintain in front of her.
"Haha… Emilia-tan, that's not possible… I…"
But my voice was high-pitched, my throat was tight, and I couldn't say the next thing.
For some reason, I cannot tear my consciousness away from the feeling of soft fingers caressing my head.
"Are you tired?"
"Well, I can still do it. I'm totally fine..."
"Are you in trouble?"
"When you treat me kindly, you know, I fall in love with you. Like that again... no way... haha"
Subaru's words in response to the short question rang hollow.
I know that these are empty words, but I feel that way.
And then, Emilia gently leaned her face closer to Subaru,
"--That must have been tough."
"----!"
I was told to cherish them. I was told to be kind to them. I was told to love them.
With just that, with just that one word, the tattered levee inside Subaru broke.
It breaks, it bursts, and everything that has been building up inside erupts all at once.
It was a pool of rage that I had thought I had contained, but was unable to erase even a single shred of.
"It was... terrible. It was so painful. It was so scary. I was so sad. It hurt so much I thought I was going to die...!"
"Yeah"
"I tried my best. I was trying my best. I was desperate. I tried my best to make everything better...! Seriously. Seriously, seriously, I've never tried this hard before!"
"Yeah, I know."
"Because I loved this place... I thought it was important, this place...! That's why I was so desperate to get it back. I was scared. I was really scared. I was so scared. I hated myself for thinking that, even though I was afraid he would look at me with those eyes again..."
I can't control my emotions.
Once it exploded, it overflowed like a dam had burst, staining the face of the coward wearing a mask of a smile with tears.
The tears wouldn't stop. His nose was running. An incomprehensible liquid overflowed into his mouth, making Subaru's sobbing cries even more painful to listen to.
Embarrassing. Pathetic. A grown man is crying loudly on a girl's lap as she strokes his head. It's so pathetic I want to die. My heart is so filled with warmth that I think I might die.
Emilia's response to Subaru's whining is gentle. Even though she says "I understand," it's obvious that not a single bit of Subaru's experiences have reached her.
And yet, there was a weight to Emilia's voice that made it impossible to just scoff at it.
I don't know why. Maybe I just want to believe it.
But it was true that Subaru had felt saved by that inexplicable warmth right now.
Subaru continued to cry on Emilia's lap, tears streaming down his face.
She cried and cried and cried, and before long the unsightly crying sounds faded into the distance, and only the sound of her quiet breathing fell in the living room.
※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※※ ※
--The moment Rem arrived in the guest room, Emilia was gently stroking the sleeping Subaru's black hair.
Rem opened the door without a sound and, upon seeing Emilia inside, opened her mouth.
"Shi"
Then, Emilia put her finger to her lips, which shut him up.
Shaking her short blue hair, Rem leisurely looked around the room. Then she walked over to Emilia, who was sitting directly on the floor of the living room and placing Subaru's head on her lap, and,
"Subaru-kun, are you just sleeping?"
"That's right. Hehe, look, he's like a child. When I stroke his head he looks relieved."
Emilia strokes Subaru with amusement and asks Rem for her consent. Rem responds to her request with a quiet nod of her head,
"I don't think Subaru-kun can do any more work today."
"That's right, today is your day off. You're such a naughty boy, taking a day off after only two days of working. When you get better, I'll punish you."
Emilia laughs softly and goes back to playing with Subaru's face.
It seemed she had no intention of moving the sleeping Subaru and freeing his legs. Rem interpreted Emilia's attitude that way, and quietly looked down at Subaru.
Her innocent, sleeping expression was free of any tension or frivolity.
For some reason, whenever he interacts with his sister and Rem, before he can even smile he feels a slight sense of tension.
Sensing something serious in that attitude, Rem and the others were thinking of strengthening their surveillance.
"Seeing you sleeping like this makes me lose my enthusiasm."
Following Emilia's example, Rem lightly parts her bangs with her fingers and murmurs.
She looked as defenseless as a baby. Her appearance, as if she were ignorant of the world, was all the more pitiful, and Rem loosened her lips just a little.
"I will tell my sister that Subaru-kun is useless today. We will have to reorganize the work responsibilities."
Rem bowed and said this politely before turning away.
My destination is my sister's. If I close my eyes, I can tell where she is. I'll head straight there and communicate exactly as I said.
From behind,
"Rem."
Rem stopped in her tracks as she was called, and slowly turned around.
Her gaze was at a completely different height to Emilia, who was sitting on the ground. But even so, Rem felt a strange sense of pressure, as if Emilia was looking down on her.
Emilia, unaware of Rem's slight surprise, quietly said,
"--Subaru, you're a good boy."
Rem responded to his words with a deep bow.
Then, without a second glance, he headed for the door and left the drawing room, leaving the two of them behind.
As I walk down the corridor, I ponder what Emilia just said.
A slight tremor ran across Rem's expressionless face, but even she herself didn't notice.
--However, the faint scent of evil left a slight lump in Rem's heart