I continued running frantically and didn't realize how much time had passed.
I was out of breath, my knees were hurting, sweat was running down my chin, and my heart was in a mess, but I still couldn't stop and kept running.
If he didn't run, he'd be overtaken by the incomprehensible emotions chasing him from behind. And if he was caught by them, then this time it would all come to an end; that was the only thing driving Subaru on.
Ram's scream, her roar of rage, her cry of hatred towards Subaru, still lingered in his ears.
Ram is rude, arrogant, and always belittling people.
And here she was, expressing such emotion, shouting her hatred at the top of her lungs.
Just thinking about it makes my heart tremble and brings about an indescribable sadness.
He ran away. He ran away.
He ran, rushed out of the mansion, ignoring all the noise he could hear behind him, and fled, leaving everything behind.
Subaru can never return to that place again.
Ram and Roswaal would never forgive Subaru for running away, and Emilia and Puck would likely never be able to fully trust him as he stubbornly kept his mouth shut.
And Beatrice, who was bound to Subaru by contract, would likely not be able to read the true intentions of Subaru's actions and would not actively become his ally.
It would have been fine if I could just let it all out.
However, a black mist stands in the way and gets in the way of this.
In a world where time stood still, where sound was isolated, pain and fear that felt like his heart was being crushed―― Subaru's determination to back out was easily blown away by that.
As a result, unable to bear the pain and sorrow, Subaru had no choice but to run away.
「I have no choice…! What have I got to do with you…?」
I don't understand anything.
Why did this happen and what must be done?
What will it take for the world to forgive Subaru?
"It was... so fun..."
Subaru was suddenly summoned to another world, where he had no choice but to survive in a world he knew nothing of, and where this world was filled with anxiety, and this was the place that should have welcomed him.
Those days, that time, that time that had only been a week or so ago, were so far away that Subaru couldn't reach it right now.
He tried again, returned, and repeated the process, and each time the world bared its fangs at Subaru.
The world that was once so gentle has changed color, its vivid brightness has faded, and everything now looks dull.
--It's no good anymore.
Suddenly, such a murmur crossed my mind.
--There's no need to try any harder now.
The voice of his own urging him to give up, that sweet temptation, nearly caused Subaru to stop thinking.
I'm sure if you do as he says, you'll feel more at ease.
Subaru was originally a man who was easily swayed towards the easier situation.
Subaru wasn't the only one who felt this way. Every human being felt this way.
If you are faced with two options and cannot choose either one, you will be forced to go through a difficult time.
What if, as you are struggling with this pain, a third option is suddenly presented to you?
Who can blame someone for being tempted and wanting to reach out for it, as if the option were a divine revelation, a blessing?
If you can't choose between resisting or running away, then why not just give up?
"Throw it away..."
The blood was rapidly draining from my head, and even the beating of my heart, which had been pounding so fast, felt somehow distant.
His limbs became heavy and solid, and his feet, which had been moving as if driven, slowed down and gradually began to drag.
Suddenly, the field of vision that had been previously invisible expands, and Subaru realizes that he is in a forest, surrounded by trees.
While running frantically, he seems to have left the mansion, strayed from the main road, and ended up lost in the mountains.
Surrounded by lush greenery and in the dim light that even blocked out the sky, Subaru thought that this place bore similarities to the place where he had died last time.
The moment I think about it, a clear vision of a third option emerges.
"If you die..."
Will I be saved from this situation?
"Yeah, that's right. Once you die, things change."
The weak, foolish words that came out of his mouth seemed so sweet that a twitching smile formed on Subaru's lips.
Subaru had already lost his life three times.
Subaru had never experienced a fourth death before, and so he was plagued by the unfounded fear that if he died a fourth time, everything would end.
However,
"If that's how it ends, then what's wrong with that...?"
Each time this happens, Subaru's situation gets worse.
He died of exhaustion, then got beaten to death after being exhausted. He was murdered by someone he thought he trusted, and now with that person's death he has lost all trust from everyone else involved.
This time, I managed to save my life. This time, I was given nothing but life.
So, having lost everything, he continues to struggle in a situation that is even worse than when he was first summoned to this other world. What is the point in doing that?
No, even if there was some meaning to it, why did Subaru have to walk it?
"If you want to do it, then go ahead and do it. …What does it have to do with me, with me?"
He bit his lip and vented his hatred for the being that had dragged him into this situation.
A thick, dark emotion boiled in his gut, and every curse he could think of filled his head, pouring black fuel into Subaru's already shriveled heart.
--The choice of "death" seemed like the best possible idea to Subaru right now.
If it ends with death then that's it.
But what if you could die and return to the second day again?
"The first time… that's right. Getting along with Emilia-tan, teasing Beatrice with Pac-Moff, making light conversation with Roswaal, and then together with Ram and Rem…"
It might be fun to just repeat the first episode.
Thinking about it, the first time was exactly what Subaru had hoped for. Even though he couldn't change the fact that he would eventually die of exhaustion on the fourth night, that death was accompanied by no pain or suffering, and more than anything, it promised him peace and tranquility.
If I could go back to those days, if I could see their smiles again, then death would not be something to be afraid of.
Subaru was far more frightened by the current situation that he felt was beyond repair, and more than anything, he couldn't bear the sadness.
Taking a deep breath, Subaru searched his trouser pockets.
The thin feeling in my hand is the quill pen that I have not let go of even once in the past four days.
The sharp tip of the pen pierced the back of Subaru's hand again and again, staining it with fresh blood each time, and the blood that had now turned a dark red and was impossible to wipe away no matter how hard he tried.
Holding the quill in his opposite hand, Subaru pointed the tip at his own throat.
The sharp tip is sharp enough to carve into the human flesh, something Subaru himself can attest to.
Gain momentum and use it with all your might and your goal will be accomplished.
"Haa... haa... haa..."
My vision was flickering and my whole body felt boiling hot from the rapid blood flow.
However, the blood was not circulating to my head, and my brain's functions became increasingly frozen as if it knew no bounds.
His gaze was fixed on the tip of the pen, the trembling tip slowly approaching.
His heavy breathing, even more so than when sprinting, was accompanied by nausea, and it felt as though he would instantly expel stomach acid if he lost concentration.
My knees were shaking, my hips were trembling, and my arms were unable to move from my elbows down, as if there was no nerve reaching them.But still, my right hand, which was holding the pen, was trembling in a comical, almost ridiculous way.
"Dammit..."
I clicked my tongue and shook my head to hide the emotion in front of me.
With his left hand, he grabbed his trembling right wrist and held it in place. However, the moment he touched his right hand, the fear spread to his left hand. Both hands holding the pen trembled slightly, and he was unable to carry out his will.
"Stop... I told you to stop!"
He raises his voice in frustration, but even his voice is unable to hide the trembling.
Finally, he dropped the quill he was holding, and when he bent over to pick it up, his knees, which should have been laughing, gave way and he collapsed to the ground.
Placing his hands on the ground and glaring at the ground nearby in shock, Subaru felt a sudden surge of heat well up in him and spill out of his eyes, biting his lip in frustration.
A sharp pain and the metallic smell of blood fills my mouth, making me sob as I taste it.
"I can't even do something as simple as this..."
--Is it because you lack the courage to do it?
If you just fall over there you'll feel better.
Even with all that thought, Subaru couldn't even bring himself to give up.
He can't give in to impulse, nor can he carry out easy, weak decisions. Even his resolve and determination are fragile, and the best he can do is kneel down and cry.
Exposing himself like that wouldn't improve anything. It wouldn't even get worse. Nothing would change. It just told Subaru that his current situation was rock bottom, and the unchanging situation simply told him so.
The pain, the suffering, the sadness, everything that forced Subaru to make a decision, nothing at all showed him kindness.
Even though it was an option that I desired so much, I didn't have the resolve to actually follow through on it.
He also thought that if he was going to choose his end anyway, maybe he should have let himself be killed by Ram.
Subaru had nothing to do with Rem's death directly, so even if Ram were to kill Subaru, it would be nothing more than a completely misguided act of revenge.
Ram had cried out in pain as half of her body was torn apart, and had shouted out such hatred.
If it could ease that burning urge even a little, surely it wouldn't be a problem to offer up Subaru's life, which he had chosen to let rot like this.
Although it may seem like they are caring about others, in reality it is just an escape from reality, intended to distract from the uncertainty of their own resolve.
Subaru, who was averse to even facing his own shame, was unaware of those thoughts that even insulted Ram, who was being compared to him.
Such selfish emotions that even abandoned the spirits――perhaps it was heaven's will that sent it there, unable to bear to see such a disgraceful sight.
"--a?"
Subaru, who had been crawling on his hands and knees, raised his head as the air suddenly changed.
Crouched on the ground, his eyes crumpled from tears, there was no change in his vision. But in the dim light blocked by leaves and branches and lacking any sunlight, something struck Subaru.
It was an instinctive warning.
The ringing alarm made Subaru wake up and drop to one knee, looking around. He rubbed his eyes, secured his vision, cleared his ears and held his breath.
There was a continuous sound of grass being trampled and the dry rumble of branches swaying.
It was fast and sharp. Something was closing in sharply and swiftly.
Subaru moistened his dry lips with his tongue and quickly picked up the quill that had fallen to the ground at his feet. He held it in his opposite hand and in front of him, feeling anxious for no apparent reason.
--In an instant, it pushed aside the vegetation and appeared before Subaru.
"Y-You were..."
They weren't pursuers from the mansion.
Or perhaps that was the case, but my weak hope was betrayed.
His eyes lowered slightly in selfish expectation, but the thing stood there calmly.
Based on Subaru's knowledge, it was probably closest to a wolf.
Its entire body was covered in black fur, and it had all four legs biting firmly into the ground as it crouched. Saliva was dripping from its large mouth lined with sharp fangs, and in the center of its jet-black face, its only prominent presence was a pair of shining red eyes.
It was roughly one meter long and probably weighed around 30 to 40 kilograms.
In the original world, it would be the size of a large dog, but its overall sharp body shape does not give the impression of such strength.
but,
"hey hey..."
Can a human, who has only ever known warm-hearted dogs integrated into human society, remain calm in the face of a creature with glaring eyes and heavy breathing in front of its prey?
Seeing it baring its fangs in obvious hostility, Subaru's forehead was quickly covered in cold sweat.
In front of Subaru, who was unable to move a muscle, it bowed its head and snorted.
It had likely picked up Subaru's scent and come all the way here. Subaru had run so fast that many of his body scratches had been caused by the branches, and there were still many places where blood was seeping out. What's more, he was even letting out a pathetic cry. There was no shortage of evidence to pinpoint his location.
A black dog lowers its head and threatens us.
Suddenly, he noticed yellowish horns growing from the top of the dog's head, proving that its ecology was definitely different to what Subaru knew.
Although Subaru's heart trembled at the ferocious rage of the hungry, horned beast, he also found himself feeling a sense of relief that he didn't know where it came from.
Or perhaps the beast before him would have no hesitation in affirming Subaru's decision. That was how it seemed to Subaru, who was cornered.
Subaru: "I was thinking about getting killed by Ram… and then this happened. Even if I say so myself, I'm quite naive."
Because they lack a firm resolve, they continue to be swept away by the situation in front of them.
Just as in the past, I once again find myself giving in to the easy situation that is right in front of me.
I don't think it's wrong to make that choice. There's no point in thinking about it, and thinking about it won't change anything.
Spreading his arms, Subaru declared that he would not resist the horned being.
For a moment, it seemed as if the horned beast, which had been crouching low, trembled in fear, perhaps unable to comprehend the meaning of its prey's actions, which I found a little amusing.
"What are you scared of when you're this beaten down?"
A laugh escaped my lips.
I was amazed that I still had the energy to laugh like that.
-- I felt so much better that I could even laugh.
The black beast standing before him - it was clear that this thing, which saw Subaru as its prey, was a heavenly messenger who would grant Subaru his wish.
With those fangs, those claws, and those horns, they will surely guide Subaru, who is unable to even take his own life, into a gentle and sweet state of stagnation.
Either die and be done with, or go back and sink into lazy bliss.
He didn't know which one he would be faced with, but this would allow Subaru to escape from the impasse that he found himself in.
That's fine for now. That's all I need. I don't want any more luxuries than that.
So I might as well just do it once and for all.
"Huh...?"
Subaru was feeling cheerful as he thought this, but his excitement was dashed by the sound of hard things crashing together nearby.
Keeping his attention on his surroundings, on the threat in front of him, he searches for the source of the sound, but it's nowhere to be found in plain sight.
And then you immediately realize, it's gone. Of course.
The small, hard sound was the trembling of Subaru's clenched teeth.
"--picture?"
His lips trembled as he muttered, blood was rushing to his fingers to the point that they hurt, and Subaru's heart was pounding so fast it felt like it might explode.
Subaru was shocked to realize too late that something was happening to his body.
Why does my body want so badly to run away from this place?
It was as if this――,
"This is just like..."
--It's like you don't want to die.
Subaru is betrayed by his body and his mind, and finds himself unable to trust himself.
"Oh...?"
The beast suddenly vanished from sight, and a goofy voice fell into the forest.
Stunned, I search for the jet black shadow that had been there until then. I can't find it.
Immediately afterwards, a powerful jaw bit into the base of my right leg.
"Ggh..."
The fangs pierce the flesh, reach the nerves, and their blade-like sharpness widens the wound.
Blood spurted out, the world slowed to a halt, and Subaru's eyes met with those of the crimson eyes that sunk their fangs into the source of the pain as he stared down at it.
--Subaru's scream echoed throughout the forest, as if loudly asserting that he was alive.