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Unfortunately, some dummkopf screwed up the shipping label and I got sent to Antarctica where I didn't wake up until several decades later, long after most of my followers had died or stopped waiting for me, and my chance to start a new war had passed."
"My heart bleeds," Chris said sarcastically.
"However, even though the years had passed, my ambitions had not dimmed one iota! Back during the war, my spies had been able to inform me of the true purpose of the Last Resort and Hellen's plans to resurrect Karkas and remake the world in the image of Darwinism and knew that this could be my second chance to settle scores!" Wattles declared. "After I felt enough time had passed and anyone still searching for me had given up, I took up my original name and face and joined up with Rave Inc, slowly working my way up the ranks and manipulating events so eventually, we can finally put the plan into motion, while I was really the one pulling all the strings!"
"But how could you possibly profit from reviving Karkas and making it a dog eat dog world?" A confused Maria asked.
"I couldn't!" Wattles exclaimed, to her confusion. "Which is why the book me and Hellen are using as a blueprint to create the new world isn't Principles of Biology by Herbert Spencer, but the contract I made while hiding in Rave Inc., which I was able to sneak into the Vatican's new world maker by hollowing out an actual copy of the book and sticking my contract inside. I'd initially planned on just swapping dust jackets, but since that copy I used was made before dust jackets, I had to improvise."
"You couldn't… Just use magic or something to trick everyone?" A baffled Zap said.
Wattles shrugged. "Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best."
"Fair."
Shirabe gasped. "Staaaaaaaaaaaare."
"That's right!" Drakus realized. "If you're not using Herbert Spencer's book, then that means the new world will be one shaped by your freaky contract instead!"
"And it means that it doesn't matter if you haven't or won't read the fine print, everyone… Because in a matter of moments, you'll be living it!" Wattles bragged. "And once that's done, the woman who forced me to be her child will fade into the depths of obscurity, like the ancient relic she is!"
He gestured, and complex geometrical figures appeared around his hand before flickering around his fingers, revealing a hologram of…
"SHE'S YOUR ADOPTED MOM?!" the squad yelled.
It was Finé, because of course it was.
"Every time! Every! FUCKING! TIME!" Chris shouted, unleashing a volley of missiles at the ceiling in frustration.
"Your mom's the Virgin Mary?" Jerome asked.
Chris soon realized this, and burst into laughter. "Oh my dead God, this makes so much sense now. The entirety of Christianity was created by fucking Finé!"
"Which explains… Quite a lot, actually," Serena said wearily.
"Wait, why did you have a hologram of this Finé chick ready?" a confused Kanade asked, only to be ignored.
Tsubasa sighed. "You know, learning that she was the architect of World War II shouldn't be as much of a surprise as it is."
Maria nodded in agreement. "A sadist like her would no doubt have taken great enjoyment in the Holocaust."
"She unfortunately did," Wattles confirmed.
"Well, I got my own ghost backup. And it's King-"
Luigi was already paling. He already had a feeling about who it was.
"BOO!"
In a quick reveal, there stood King Boo. The ghastly marshmallow of a ghost cackled when he saw Luigi.
"Why, it's nice to see you again, too, Luigi," King Boo said, smirking. "I've thought about you—every day—over the last few years. I take it you've thought about me, as well?"
"Oh, Jesus, oh, sweet Jesus…"
"I'll take that as a 'yes'. I must say, Luigi—I'm touched." King Boo licked his lips as he looked his nemesis over. "These last few years have been kind to you, I see. You've taken very good care of your body. I guess I should thank you for that." He closed his eyes and slowly licked Luigi's torso, eliciting a confused yelp from the plumber. "But the appreciation will have to wait. We've got things to talk about."
"Wh—what things?" Luigi managed to splutter.
"Have I mentioned that you're so cute when you try to play innocent?" King Boo asked. "I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. That geezer had me locked up tight in his lab, but guess what? I got out! AGAIN! Jacky-boy was just dying to get help on some hostage situation, pretty weird, but he helped me escape, in exchange for me not sticking the hostages in paintings, more specifically, Luigi. And not only does his mission control like me, that Doktor of his is also the president of the only King Boo fan club in existence! Pretty lucky, huh?"
"My God...you have a fan club?!" Drakus asked, surprised at this.
"Anyways...I used my smarts and Miss Gravely's wiles to implement my master plan. It was high-risk, but now, my finest hour is here. It will always be. I am—inevitable." Wattles calmly said, trying to drag the conversation back to him.
"That's the truth of it!" Monsoon chimed in.
"Anyway," Wattles went on, circling the perplexed squad. "I didn't think you'd actually show up here. I was ready, though, just in case. In fact, my plan is nearly complete!"
Luigi's mind raced. He knew exactly where this was going.
"Oh, you probably wanna know what he meant by 'plan'," Hurricane said, a hint of an Australian accent in his voice, "and I'll gladly show you." A look of malice crossed his features as he explained, "We're gonna trap you and everyone in your little vacation party—in frames!"
"No. No, no. You don't…"
"Oh, yes, we did," Wattles retorted, "don't worry. They'll be free once you all sign."
"What?" Drakus asked.
"That Argana Megazord and Arachno Megazord," Wattles said, chuckling, "those would make amazing toys for kiddies to play with. So whaddya say? Sign over your likenesses? You'd become immortalized in plastic and cheap paints!"
"You'll never take me alive!" Lazuli grabbed a gun from out of nowhere, again.
On cue, the fish man's claw gauntlets activated, and soon six portraits floated above them, containing another Mario, the toads, Princess Peach, and another Luigi.
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