Alexei:
Alexei laid against the sagging bed, the ceiling spinning above him. He felt sick, felt ready to pass out, felt his emotions running rampant through him, a dizziness from more than sea sickness overtaking him. The room smelled of rot, he knew it was not real, but the smell continued to assault him. He could almost feel dead skin against his, could almost feel bony hands pulling at his arms, threatening to rip him apart, phantom smoke in the air threatening to to suffocate him.
"This isn't real," he whispered, trying to ground himself, his hands fisting in the sheets.
"Alexei?" a small voice called, followed by a quiet knock.
"What is it, Jules?" he grit out, attempting to sit up.
"Well I-"
"Don't say it from the hallway, you can come inside," he interrupted, sighing.
"Right."
Alexei had realized early on that the locks on the doors were more for show than actual use, once again, Cassius had picked out a phenomenal place for them to stay. The door opened slowly as Jules stepped inside, hovering awkwardly in the corner.
"What?" he questioned, trying to reign in his nausea.
"You're upset, right?" Jules asked slowly, as if afraid to state his observation aloud.
Alexei tried to paste on his typical grin, but it turned out more of a grimace.
"Now, why ever would you think that? I'm just a little seasick and tired," he answered.
Jules shook his head, walking to the edge of the bed.
"It's more than that, you're agitated," he pressed.
Alexei looked at the floor, pretending to find the weirdly suspicious red stain immensely interesting. How come this airhead managed to know everything and nothing at the same time?
"So what if I am, you gonna wave your hands and magically make my problems disappear?"
He flinched, already preparing to apologize for being too harsh. Jules probably didn't mean anything by his questioning, Alexei shouldn't take his feelings out on him.
"Doesn't talking about your feelings help?" Jules questioned, sounding genuinely confused.
"Hell no," he replied, but he could not help but smile a little.
"Oh."
They both stared at each other in awkward silence, or maybe it was only awkward for him, it was impossible to tell with Jules.
"It's not really awkward," Jules said hurriedly, pausing before adding, "I like the quiet."
"What the hell man, I swear you can read my mind," he muttered.
"Yeah."
"What?" Alexei questioned.
"What?" Jules asked.
"Do you take pride in being as confusing as you possibly can?"
"Do you feel better?" he countered.
Alexei was surprised to notice he did indeed feel better. The nausea had began to subside, and for a moment his emotions had been forgotten.
"Guess I can't argue with that one, fair enough."
Jules gave a tentative smile before heading towards the door, turning to look back as he opened it.
"Alexei?"
"What?"
"Are you sure you don't want company?" he asked slowly.
"If you want to stay just spit it out," Alexei replied, laughing a little at his childishness.
Jules walked back over, plopping down on the edge of the bed, his gaze glued to the darkened sky outside the dusty window as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
"It's always relatively peaceful with you," he stated after a moment of silence.
"Me, peaceful?" he asked incredulously.
"I usually can't hear you," he explained unhelpfully.
"Um…Thanks?" Alexei said, thinking that sounded an awful lot like an insult.
"I mean your emotions, I can't usually hear them," he clarified, as if that made any more sense.
"Jules, you're going to need to do some actual explaining or you're going to be conversing with yourself. As much as I love bullshitting my way through life, I'd at least like to have some idea of what the hell you're talking about," Alexei stated.
Jules hesitated for a moment, glancing back towards the window rather than looking him in the eyes.
"I can feel people's emotions," he said steadily, as if he was just discussing the daily weather.
After taking a moment to process the words, thinking through what exactly feeling people's emotions entailed, his eyes widened.
"You can read minds! I fucking knew it!" he shouted, jumping to his feet. Jules flinched, eyes colliding with Alexei's. He didn't need to be a mind reader to recognize the fear, to see the slight tremble of Jules's hands, the way he shrank away. Alexei had never seen much emotion from him.
"I'm not crazy, I was just joking," he mumbled, his eyes blazing a hole straight through Alexei, saying anything but he was joking.
He had always found Jules closed off, impossible to decipher, but in that moment, his eyes were screaming every word going through his mind, were screaming for Alexei to believe him, to trust him. He understood that look all too well, understood that desperation for someone, anyone to agree. It sent a pang through his heart, picking at the scars he was sure would never quite heal.
He could still recall the day he had first seen Jules, the way his eyes had been unfocused, his hair long and white, tinged slightly crimson and impossibly tangled, his clothes long stained and ill-fitting on his small frame. Alexei had only caught a glimpse of him in the hallway, but he had thought he looked more a corpse than a boy. It was only later he discovered that boy, Jules, was in fact several years older than Alexei and was one of the others who had been taken in by Cassius.
He longed to know what had happened to cause him to be so afraid of his own abilities, to be so afraid of explaining himself.
"You aren't crazy, I believe you," he murmured, fighting the urge to grab his hand.
Jules only stared, frozen in place from Alexei's proclamation. He fought with his own ability, the invisible shield that nullified the rest of the world, the thing that had made him special, that had made him unbeatable. Usually he fought to keep it up, fought to neutralize the abilities around him, but now he battled to reign it in, to take it down for the first time in his life, to turn it off. He wanted to allow Jules's ability in, wanted to bare his soul so that he could see Alexei was not lying, see that Alexei believed in him. He would not let anyone else go through what he went through, to feel nothing but uncertainty when staring into the eyes of their last refuge on Earth.
It was terrifying knowing that Jules could unravel him completely, horrifying to think that every last part of him could be dug up and brought into the light, that his ugliest parts he tried so desperately to bury could be found so easily. He hated the thought of another person looking him in the eyes and choosing to turn away, another person condemning him for the actions he had deemed necessary. He did not want another person he had grown to care for to look at him with betrayal and disgust, to look at him like he was a monster.
But he was wasn't he? He deserved it, deserved all of their hate, deserved the crushing guilt, deserved an eternity in hell. He was undeserving of this life, undeserving of anyone looking at him the way he had once been.
"Why are you showing me this?" Jules questioned, voice quivering.
"Why not?"
He was probably already disgusted. Alexei was a horrible person, had made a million wrong choices. He had buried his past, had murdered it, painted every inch of it red with blood. He had killed every version of his true self, had ran from anything that mattered because he was a coward, because in the end he was still nothing but a scared little boy. In the end he was still that same kid clutching a broken arm, brandishing a knife at the whole world even as he averted his eyes in fear. He was still the same boy who hid behind a blindfold for so many years that he had forgotten the color of his own eyes, who had covered his face in ink so he could pretend the sight of his own disfigurement did not horrify him.
Jules reached out slowly, cupping his face with his hands, bringing Alexei close enough to feel Jules's breath upon his face.
"If you're a monster, I'll gladly cut myself to pieces against your teeth, I'll gladly follow you into hell," he murmured.
His words burned, they hurt in a weird way, felt like a thousand needles puncturing his heart. The words felt oddly intimate, not something to be uttered between comrades, even between friends. Alexei found himself wanting to lean closer, wanting to let Jules hold him, to pretend as if the world did not exist, but he pulled away quickly, looking down and clearing his throat hurriedly. Could Jules feel all of that too? He hoped not.
"Where were you before?" he asked.
"A mental health correction facility," he answered.
Alexei shuddered, those places were glorified torture facilities. If you weren't mad before entering, you certainly were after.
"How long?"
"The days blurred together," he answered simply, as if the thought did not phase him at all.
Alexei found himself wishing he was the mind reader, he longed to know more.
"How did you…Stay sane?" he asked hesitantly.
"I…didn't really. I mean I am crazy, I lied, I am crazy, you just can't see it. You don't hear my mind, my thoughts. You-you don't know what I've done, I'm not right, broken."
"Then tell me what you've done, tell me what you think makes you broken and crazy, because I assure you, it's nothing worse than what I've already seen, what I've already done," he insisted, feeling a sort of desperate need to convince him otherwise.
Alexei felt out of control, more out of control than he had felt for two years. He could feel the careful balance tipping, his walls collapsing inwards. He knew what it meant, but he still could not bear to face it, could not bear to acknowledge his own heart, still raw and aching even after two years.
"I killed them. All of them and I used their blood to paint because I thought it was pretty. I didn't know I'd killed them until after and then I could feel all those people's pain and resentment, I could feel how much they wanted to kill me too," Jules whispered, looking down.
"Killing someone doesn't make you crazy, hell if it does then we all are. Why did you do it?"
"I was upset and I just wanted them to be quiet," he mumbled.
"Do you want me to be quiet now?" he questioned, unsure if his questions were bothering Jules or not.
Only a few minutes ago had Alexei told Jules talking about his issues did not do shit, yet here he was basically interrogating him.
"I just don't want you to hate me too."
Alexei leaned forward, grabbing Jules's hand and squeezing it, hoping that he could feel the lack of judgment, that every ounce of his feelings were crystal clear. Too many people had hated him for doing what he had to, too many people had hated him for messing up, for choosing himself over the lives of people he had never even met, of letting his anger take over. He could not leave Jules alone to face the same thing, he could never hate someone for doing what they had to, could never let someone else hate themselves the way Alexei hated himself.
"Thank you," Jules said softly.
"Why did Cassius take an interest in you?" he asked, unable to control his curiosity. He found himself wanting more, wanting to hear everything, to figure out the enigma that had puzzled him for so long now.
"I don't know why he was there, but I remember voices, lots of them, they were yelling at me, telling me to bow, but I was just sitting there in the corner. He told them to be quiet and walked up to me and asked about my hair, asked why it was white," he explained.
"Why is your hair white?"
"It's been this way for as long as I can remember. After I told him that, Cassius asked my name and why I was there."
Alexei remained silent, just listening to Jules's story.
"I told him my name was Julian Gray and that I was there because I was crazy, because I could feel and do things that a normal person shouldn't be able to. He asked for my immediate release into his care," he finished.
"Julian," Alexei murmured, testing the name out.
It somehow suited him much more than Jules did, but at the same time, he did not want to bring up any sort of bad memories by using it.
"It doesn't bother me."
"Oh, okay."
They sat in silence, Alexei not entirely sure what to say now, he had never been too good with words. Even if Jules could feel his emotions, he still felt as if he should say something, felt as if he should reassure Jules aloud.
"You know you aren't crazy, right Julian?" he questioned.
Jules did not reply for a minute before finally answering, "I don't know anymore. My mind is always chaos and I can't tell where my emotions end and other people's begin, and it gets worse, the more people around me the more everything blurs together until the weight of it hurts so badly that I just want to die, and it makes me mad, it shouldn't, but it does. None of that is normal, I know that. Every day they would ask me to just admit it, admit that I was wrong, admit that I was crazy, and when I finally did, they said I was healing, but I don't know-" Alexei pulled Jules closer, hugging him tightly. It used to make him feel better, hugs like this, ones so tight he could barely breath, barely think, until the only thing he could feel was the other person pressed against him. He wasn't sure if it would feel the same to Jules, wasn't sure if he even enjoyed being touched, but Alexei couldn't help himself.
"Why are you hugging me?" he asked.
"Do you not like it, sorry," Alexei responded, hurriedly pushing away.
"I've never been hugged before… but it was warm," Jules said flatly.
Alexei still was not entirely sure if that meant he enjoyed it or not, but he decided not to push his luck.
"Why do you always stare out the window so much?"
"Clouds," Jules answered simply.
"You like them?"
"I like counting them," he clarified.
"Sounds boring," Alexei remarked.
"You should try it."
"Maybe I will some time, Julian," Alexei answered, smiling a little.