So there I was, standing with half a Bonanna squished in my hand, a sassy succulent-frog chewing me out about compost etiquette, and Burn muttering about how he was not a weed.
It had been a long day.
"I'm just trying to get to the Blightcap Mycospore without dying, okay?" I finally snapped. "Shiv marked a relatively safe path through the Verdantgrave Wilds, and I swear I haven't littered since the Bonanna peel incident."
At the mention of Blightcap Mycospore, Caretender froze.
Like, froze-froze, mid-leaf-waggle, mid-lecture, his giant eyes unblinking as if I'd just mentioned his long-lost ex.
"…You're going to him?" he croaked.
I blinked. "Yeah? I mean, not for tea. More like ,destroy-his-fungus-core-before-he-melts-my-brain type of trip."
Caretender started hopping in frantic little circles, his leafy butt bouncing like a weird organic trampoline.
"Blightcap! Of course! That smelly, spore-puffing drama mushroom! HA! So you're that kind of lunatic."
"Uh. What kind?"
"The suicidal kind! You poor chlorophyll-challenged thing." He paused, then whispered like it was sacred knowledge. "You know he once tried to absorb me?"
"…Wait what?"
"I was young and supple," he said, placing a stubby arm on his own chest. "My leaves were glossy. My photosynthesis was at its peak. And then he came, Mr. Mush-for-Brains, trying to leech my mind through his creepy little puff spores!"
I opened my mouth. Closed it. I wasn't sure what to do with that image.
"But!" Caretender suddenly grinned. "If you're already planning to go, then maybe I'll come along and supervise."
"…What?"
"Think of it as a partnership!" he beamed. "You get to cleanse the forest from evil, and I get to document your tragic, spore-ridden demise and sell it to the other forest spirits as a cautionary tale."
My jaw dropped.
"That's the worst deal I've ever heard."
"I'll compost your remains properly."
"That's not helping!"
Before I could argue further, Caretender hopped over to Barry and started sniffing his one fluorescent flower.
"This one smells like anxiety and dry leaves. Good. He'll be fine bait."
"HE'S A FRIEND!" I shouted.
Caretender just wiggled his leafy butt like I hadn't said anything.
"Alright, compost crew!" he chirped. "Let's blaze a trail! And by trail, I mean don't touch anything glowing, purple, or humming Gregorian chants. That's usually a trap."
I stood there in shock as he marched ahead like he now owned the mission. Blaze followed out of boredom. Barry followed out of fear. Burn looked at me and shrugged like, Well, this is our life now.
I sighed.
"Why is it always the weird ones that want to help me?"
No one answered.
Only the soft rustle of leaves…and the faint echo of a mushroom laughing somewhere in the distance.
We hadn't even gone ten steps when Caretender suddenly skidded to a stop. His leafy back stiffened. His wide frog-plant body turned slowly, and his two big green eyes locked onto me like I was a fairy he was emotionally attached to.
"Uh…" I blinked. "Did I step on something? Is Blaze cutting something again?"
He didn't answer. Instead, he took a dramatic hop forward, his little succulent arms pressed together like he was about to confess something shameful, or propose.
"Human," he croaked solemnly.
"…It's John."
He blinked slowly. Then, suddenly, his enormous green eyes got even bigger. Somehow. Like balloon-sized. Like he was trying to weaponize cuteness against me.
"I don't want to stay here anymore," he said in a very tiny, heartbreak-y voice that didn't match his earlier sass. "I'm tired."
I stared at him.
"Tired… like, you need a nap?"
"No!" he puffed up like an angry basil.
"Tired of being alone! Tired of cleaning everyone's moldy compost! Tired of anyone stepping on my moss carpet and calling it slime! Tired of-" He stopped, took a breath. "I just… want to leave. But I can't. Not unless someone names me."
I blinked.
"Wait, is that a… plant rule?"
"Forest spirit rule," he said, poking two stubby fingers together. "I've been caretaking this stupid zone for like, two hundred years. My job was to protect, restore, and recycle. But no one ever talks to me. Not the vines. Not the spores. Not even the creepy whispering fern that tried to date me once."
I squinted.
"Sorry, the what?"
"Never mind. The point is, I want to leave. With you guys. But to do that… you have to give me a name. That's the rule. You name me, I get to be me, and then I'm free to tag along, scream at dangerous mushrooms, and judge your life choices properly."
He looked up at me with those glowy, wobbly eyes.
"I promise I'll only eat three of your snacks a day. Four, tops."
Burn leaned in and whispered, "I think he's serious."
Blaze patted him sympathetically and offered him a warm stone.
Barry just drooped dramatically like he couldn't believe this was happening.
I stared at this little walking cactus-frog-forest-janitor-thing and felt a weird pang of something. Empathy? Guilt? The need to name something that looked like a Studio Ghibli side character?
"…Fine," I said. "You really want to come with us?"
"Yes!" he beamed. "And no more lonely bonanna peels ever again!"
"Alright then. From this moment on…" I paused, squinting at his shiny leaf-butt and stubby limbs, "…you're Grumpy."
Everyone froze.
Caretender's mouth dropped. "That's… that's the most glorious name I've ever heard."
Burn muttered, "That's the dumbest name I've ever heard."
Grumpy did a backflip, somehow. "I LOVE IT."
And with that, a glowing green leaf symbol bloomed over his head, and a notification appeared in front of me:
[NEW ALLY UNLOCKED]
Name: Grumpy
Class: Verdant Meadow Guard (Rare)
Skills: evolve to unlocked
I sighed.
"Welcome to the party, Grumpy. Try not to betray us in a pollen-induced rage, okay?"
"No promises!" he chirped, skipping ahead down the path with a suspicious twinkle in his leafy eye.
Great. I now had a talking plant frog with emotional baggage and a name that sounded suited to him more. And I still hadn't fought the mushroom boss yet.
For a moment, I just stood there smiling like a proud dad at a weird school play.
Grumpy waddled beside me, humming an off-key tune that sounded suspiciously like a passive-aggressive marching song. The rest of the crew looked…well, uncertain. Blaze was squinting at Grumpy like trying to figure out if he was edible. Barry seemed mildly concerned Grumpy might lecture him about leaf hygiene. Burn? Burn looked straight-up betrayed.
Still, we had a new teammate. A sarcastic, frog-bodied succulent who judged me harder than my high school gym teacher. But hey, he was cute. Sort of. In a prickly, thistle-on-your-sock kind of way.
"Hey, Grumpy," I said as we trudged along the suspiciously green and pleasant path. "You've been here a while, right?"
"I've lived here," he said, puffing out his stubby chest. "I've composted armies of trespassers. I've watched spores grow up and turn into killing little devils."
"Cool. So, do you know a way to avoid the parasitic spores? Shiv told me the path to Blightcap Mycospore is crawling with them. And I really like my brain."
Grumpy stopped walking. His eyes narrowed like I'd just asked him if succulents wore pants.
"Do I know a way?" he repeated.
"Yeah?"
"John," he said slowly, "I'm Grumpy. Of course I know a way. But I need you to understand something first."
I leaned in.
He leaned closer.
He whispered, "It's gross."
"…What?"
"Like, disgustingly gross," he said. "Unholy. Unclean. Un-sanitized. I use it as a prank on trespassers sometimes."
"Oh no."
"Oh yes."
I waited. He waited back. Then he dramatically flipped one stubby leaf-hand toward the east.
"There's a route," he said. "A narrow gully, full of swampy goo and old fertilizer pits. The spores don't like it because it smells like someone's morning breath marinated in wet compost. It'll keep us under their radar."
"And we won't get infected?"
"Probably not."
"Probably?!"
Grumpy shrugged.
"What's life without a little rot-risk?"
I rubbed my temples. Burn groaned. Barry made a sound like wilted lettuce. Blaze…might've just sneezed, honestly.
Still, I looked at my new crew. Then back at Grumpy.
"Well," I sighed, "lead the way, Stinky Route Master."
Grumpy grinned.
"That's Sir Stinky Route Master to you."