*huuuu*
James exhaled as smoke billowed from his mouth hovering around him before disappearing.
"All my life I stayed confident but I guess everyone was right in saying that death brings fear."
James lamented as his hand caressed a dog's back, sitting on his lap.
"I am not drunk yet I feel like sharing all my life, you are the only one I have right now so bear with it."
The dog lightly barked as if giving approval.
James smiled as he continued.
"I was born... blind. Optic nerve hypoplasia. A condition in which optic nerve is underdeveloped."
I remember how confused I was when I found out about the concept of sight. When mom and dad told me about ONH, I thought that my nerves will just develop when I grow up.
It was not a big issue to me though.
Mom always said I was very careless and insensitive and I agree on that. I do not remember feeling too much love or sadness, anger I did, many times, but not love or sadness.
Even when my parents died I did not feel sad. They died in a terrorist attack. I did sit in front of the television waiting for the news of the terrorists getting arrested but... I never heard it.
One day later, an affair of some heroine was more important topic to cover.
But I did not feel sad. It was as if nothing changed in my life though certainly a lot did."
James spoke as he took another puff from his joint and put it out in the ashtray.
Knowing when the joint is about to end, came to him after smoking about half of his life.
*huuuu*
"The first time I was bullied was after my parents died." James spoke, his eyes shining coldly in the dark room.
"The first... and the last. I still remember punching that kid until my hands could feel the sticky, wet blood all over.
The matter ended with me paying some money to the kid's parents as the school also did not want the matter to become big. Money had never been a problem in my life. My parents had left me lots and I earned even more. But now with granny dead, I got no one to spend that money on.
I did not have anything that I could say I liked. People are all about luxury watches, luxury cars. branded clothes and shoes but to me... all I know is how the clothes feel. The only one I had was granny but now...
I also did not feel sad when granny died and no real reason to as she lived till 90.
I felt bad whenever she coughed and could not breathe clearly... all due to old age.
There was nothing I could do other than hear the sound of her hoarse breathing and dry throat as she coughed. A really bad feeling... feeling of helplessness.
I did not even understand why she was living, got nothing more to see here. Denying marriage was something I had done long ago.
Did not tell her that though. I know that my thoughts are what many people would consider... dark and bad. I, though, never cared and do not have a future to say will care." James joked.
James paused for a moment before he continued with a bitter expression.
"To be honest... I lied. I always felt sad about being born blind. Unlucky. Undeserving.
I know there are many things in which I am more gifted than others, my intelligence for one. Even in MIT, I was the top student even though I was blind.
Blindness did not affect my success, what is affected was... my happiness.
I am not envious of other, am not the envious and jealous type. I just... curse my luck.
Many people curse karma, karma is a bitch, but I think they are all hypocrites.
The whole idea of karma refers to justice. Luck is the real bitch.
You can not even regret when luck fucks you up!
I lived my whole life working hard, becoming successful, even making a name for myself but... it did not change my bad luck.
I realized when granny died.... that there is no more reason for me to keep living.
I was waiting till today for granny's funeral but now... it will finally be over.
I was born blind, something that was not what I wanted but the life I lived was all as I willed and I will also be the one to choose my death or I am sure with my luck, I will die the moment I get a reason to live.
I have taken some cyanide so I will die soon. I do not have any regrets in life. All the bad things that happened are things that can not be changed even if I go back in time...
I have called a friend of mine, who will take care of you from now on. He will arrive in around an hour, so stay calm till the-' James stopped as he suddenly felt breathing becoming very difficult.
'Is it finally kicking in?' James wondered as his body fell limply on the bed, as the dog whimpered and started barking and jumping around.
James ignored it all, his thoughts getting hazy.
James laid down trying to collect his mind, forgetting even the flow of time.
After what felt like a few minutes to James, he tried to move, feeling his dog's touch around his stomach, but was unable to do so.
'Is this cyanide or weed?' James wondered.
'Whatever I now feel less fear as the death nears huh...
Will I be reborn? I just hope I am born lucky... at least normal.
I want to be lucky like a... main character of a novel.
I want to live a happy life with having everything...' James wished.
James thought of some random things before he recalled a certain novel.
'Saga of Isurt. It was short yet it became my favorite novel.
Isurt and... Karl. Isurt was the average lucky, dumb and justice type hero and Karl was the generic villain who could have won if he did not act stupid.
I swear such people are born with everything yet they lose it all due to their stupidity!
And the author tried to justify all of Karl's stupid actions!
I even gifted so much, became the top spender for the novel yet the author never replied back to my messages!' James fumed for a minute and as he calmed down, he noticed something.
'Huh? Not feeling any suffocation now? Why did it stop?' James wondered as he felt and heard nothing.
'Am I... dead?'